Disclaimer: Yeah, because the guys at RT would really let me own RVB.

Yo! Guess who had another fanfic idea? This came from a conversation with my roomie and this just popped into my head. It might be a tad off since I've had two finals today and I'm hungry and have a headache, but I find Tucker to be rather amusing. For one this isn't a pairing-fic! How rare for me! Anyway, let the deadly tale begin!

"What's going on, Church?"

Church turned around and found Tucker in the living room with a screenshot from Red Dead Redemption on the TV. His fingers were moving across the D-pad of the controller for the XBox360, showing Tucker's habit of constantly fidgeting with things.

"Just going to my room for a bit." Church answered.

"Reading something, huh?" Tucker's eyes found the small book in Church's hand. "That's new. What is it?"

"Just something that Tex wants me to read." Church said.

"Well, good luck with that." Tucker said as he turned his attention to the TV in front of him.

Church walked down the hall and stopped in front of Caboose's room. After knocking on the door, he waited a few minutes before sliding open the door and stepping inside.

Caboose was lying on his bed with a silver iPod sitting next to him. The blonde had his headphones in his ears and he was listening to some form of music too loudly to hear Church when he walked in.

Rolling his eyes, Church walked over to the bed and yanked the headphones out of Caboose's ears. Caboose sat up with a start, surprised by the older man's actions.

"What was that for?"

"Pay attention, dip-shit." Church said in an annoyed fashion.

"In my own room?" Caboose frowned. "What am I paying attention to? The window?"

"Knowing you, who knows." Church sighed.

"So what's up?" Caboose asked.

"I brought you that book that you wanted." Church handed Caboose the book.

"Okay, thanks." Caboose said.

"I'll see you around, then." Church started to walk towards the door.

"Wait!" Caboose exclaimed.

Church stopped and said, "Yes, Caboose?"

Caboose hesitated before saying, "I want you to read it to me."

"Wait, what?" Church frowned. "I thought you said you could read."

"I can read!" Caboose exclaimed. "Duh!"

"Then why do you want me to read it to you?" Church wondered.

"Because I think you could explain it better than the book can." Caboose answered.

"Then why did you say that you wanted the book?" Church demanded.

"I dunno." Caboose shrugged.

Church sighed and said, "Okay, fine."

"Yay!" Caboose exclaimed.

"But I gotta do something for Tex first, okay?" Church said. "I'll be back."

"Okay!" Caboose replied happily as Church left the room.

After he left Caboose's room, Church bolted down the hallway and into the living room where Tucker was now listening to some rock song on the stereo.

"Tucker, I need your help." Church said.

"What the hell?" Tucker raised an eyebrow. "Are you feeling okay, Church?"

"Of course." Church nodded. "Why?"

"Well, you don't usually ask for my help." Tucker said.

"Well, I am, okay?" Church said as he threw himself onto the recliner.

"Yeah, yeah." Tucker rolled his eyes. "What's up? Problems with Tex? You know my answer to that."

"Remember that book I had?" Church asked.

"The one that Tex is making you read?" Tucker asked.

"It's a sex book." Church said. Tucker's expression became confused so Church said, "For Caboose." This did absolutely nothing to help the situation, so Church said, "I have to tell Caboose about sex."

"No!" Tucker yelled suddenly. "Don't do it!"

"Why not?" Church frowned.

"We can't let Caboose breed, Church!" Tucker exclaimed.

"We decided not to let you breed either, Tucker." Church frowned at Tucker as the latter picked up his cyan helmet and started tossing it in the air.

"I have to breed." Tucker shrugged. "You know my philosophy."

"Which is exactly why I want you to explain it to him." Church said.

"No way!" Tucker exclaimed. "I'm here to give the sex, not explain it. And there's no way in hell that I'm fucking Caboose."

"This is ridiculous." Church pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Why don't you just have Tex do it?" Tucker suggested.

"She'd kill him." Church said.

"Well, sounds like you have quite a problem there, Church." Tucker said with a smile.

"I wouldn't if you'd help me." Church shot the other man a glare.

"I'm not that crazy." Tucker said. "Now if I was explaining it to Tex…"

"Back off, Tucker." Church said threateningly. "You know she's mine."

"Getting a bit possessive, huh?" Tucker said. "Don't you need to be getting back to Caboose?"

"Oh fuck." Church sighed.

"Get to it, then." Tucker said as he went back to his music.

"Thanks for the help, Tucker." Church said as he stood up.

"No problem!" Tucker said as Church started to walk down the hallway.

When he stepped into Caboose's room, he found the blond sprawled out on the bed, his eyes on the book that he was reading.

"Do you understand any of it?" Church asked as he sat down next to the desk.

"I think so…" Caboose said.

"Okay, then." Church said.

"But I don't understand how." Caboose said.

"I thought you said that you understood this?" Church frowned.

"Yeah…no." Caboose shook his head.

Church sighed as he tried to think of an excuse to not give Caboose an explanation. After a few seconds, he determined that he might as well get it over with. Caboose was going to bug him about it until he got an answer.

"Well Caboose, when two people love each other…" Church started.

"I know that part." Caboose said impatiently.

"Oh." Church said. "Then what don't you understand?"

"How people do it?" Caboose's response was a question.

Church thought carefully for a moment before he gave Caboose an answer.

"Well, guys have something that girls don't and girls have something that guys don't." Church said.

"So they swap things?" Caboose frowned.

"No, Caboose." Church said, trying not to lose his patience.

"Then what happens?" Caboose asked.

"A guy puts his dick in a girl's vagina." Church said, knowing that Caboose wouldn't understand it anyway.

"Not if they're gay." Tucker said as he stepped in the room.

"Where the hell did you come from?" Church frowned.

"From outside." Tucker said. "Obviously."

"Whatever." Church rolled his eyes.

"Is that what you do with Tex in the middle of the night?" Caboose asked, his eyes on Church. "You guys are really loud."

Church stared at Caboose while Tucker started laughing.

"Wow, Church." Tucker said as he stopped to breathe. "You can't hide anything, can you?"

"Oh shut up, Tucker." Church said.

"So that's what I've been hearing." Tucker laughed. "I thought it was Caboose shooting darts at the door."

"That doesn't make that much noise." Caboose said.

"So am I done explaining?" Church asked, trying to bring the conversation back on track.

"You could have just told me it's what you and Tex do." Caboose said.

"Well, I didn't think you knew what that was." Church sighed.

"Apparently he does." Tucker said.

"Thank God that's over with." Church said. "I'm gonna go watch some TV."

"Yeah, have fun with that." Tucker said.

Church walked out of the room and slid the door shut. As he walked away, he heard Caboose ask, "So what's porn, Tucker?"

Abrupt ending, I know. My roomie wanted me to add the bit with Caboose breeding. So that's it. Reviews equal love! Thanks for reading!