A/N: The first idea I had for the fandom had to be kinda cracky (of course). Pretty much pointless but it was fun to write anyway. Didn't really do research for it so there will probably be factual inaccuracies and stuff like that.

Warnings: bad spelling/grammar, OOC, crack, factual inaccuracies

Characters: Wolf, Alex

Word count: 4164

Disclaimer: don't own

-Whirlwind Part 1-

One of the problems with being a career soldier was that it was becoming increasingly difficult to adjust to normal life. Being on leave among civilians should've been relaxing after dodging bullets and worse in Iraq, but it wasn't. Not really. He was trained to analyze his surroundings and make threat evaluations and it was difficult to stop that even when he was supposed to be just like a normal civilian. It didn't help that it was December and the streets seemed to be filled with people carrying far too many bags and towing along far too many noisy children. The freak snowstorm that had plagued London the previous day hadn't helped things as, once again, people were taken completely by surprise by the fact that it could actually snow during winter.

He'd been intending to fly to Edinburgh to visit his sister but the airports had been closed and the status of the flights was uncertain at best so he'd had to abandon that idea. It was only a few weeks before he went back on duty anyway. It wasn't that he was looking forward to risking his life in Iraq or Afghanistan or wherever they'd send him next, but he felt more at ease when he didn't have to pretend to be normal. It was slightly worrying but he usually found it best to be honest with himself.

Someone bumped heavily against him and he had to suppress the instinct to incapacitate the offender. It was just yet another harried mother buying presents for her brood and he wondered, again, why he had decided to brave Oxford Street at this time of year. Then he remembered that he was supposed to get presents for his nieces who could be right terrors if they didn't get what they wanted. His sister had made it absolutely clear that even if he couldn't make it to Edinburgh in time, he would still remember her children if he knew what was good for him. He'd tried telling her that it would do them good to be reminded that they couldn't get everything they wanted but he'd lost that argument. No matter how tough and battle hardened he was now, somewhere deep down he would always be the little boy who got beaten up by his older sister in a fight.

It was getting late, however, and he still hadn't bought anything. He'd rather been hoping that if he went in just before the store closed it wouldn't be so packed and his hand wouldn't be twitching to grab a gun he didn't have with him. The therapist he saw (very very reluctantly) said that he would have to get that under control or he would be off the force so fast he wouldn't have time to blink. He understood why, it wouldn't do to have trigger-happy soldiers among normal civilians, after all.

He finally managed to buy something for his nieces. He'd been given a list with very clear objectives so that he wouldn't accidentally buy something that the girls didn't want. He felt only mildly guilty for intimidating the poor salesperson into showing him where the things were even though she'd obviously been busy with something else.

He was walking back towards the tube station carrying his own array of bags when suddenly someone careened into him. At first he assumed it was an accident like all the other people who'd bumped into him that day, but when he felt hands sneak around his arm, effectively locking it in place he knew he was wrong.

"Will! Did you forget you were supposed to meet me? That's not very nice of you," the one who'd attacked him said.

Feeling bewildered and more than a little twitchy he looked down at the person holding his right arm hostage. He'd dropped his bags and been ready to defend himself but this… this didn't exactly look threatening.

"The least you can do is honour our date and take me to coffee," the girl said fluttering her eyes at him.

She was shorter than him and had shortish blond hair and a pretty face and a pair of brown eyes. Something about her was vaguely familiar but he couldn't say what it was exactly. He was fairly certain he'd never seen her before but he couldn't quite get rid of the nagging feeling. From what he could see of her she was fit and the grip she had on his arm was fairly strong. He could've shaken her off, probably, but he wasn't about to do that just yet. The last thing he needed was an assault charge.

And she was young. She couldn't be older than seventeen or eighteen at most. He, himself, wasn't yet thirty but he felt far older than his years after everything he'd seen and done but the girl was still far far too young for him. He didn't know why he'd even bothered to have the thought because it was obvious the girl had mistaken him for someone else. What did bother him, however, was that even though the girl had gotten a good look at his face, she still wasn't showing any discomfort at grabbing the wrong man.

"I think you have…" he started reminding himself again that lashing out against civilians would be a Very Bad Idea.

Besides, if she turned out to be a threat he felt confident he could take care of her. Surprising strength or no, she was still disadvantaged against his height, weight, strength and experience.

"Act like you know me," the girl hissed, the smile never leaving her face. "I'm being followed by some creeps and I need help."

He blinked and looked around surreptitiously and noticed that there were three men lingering nearby, watching the two of them. They were dressed in heavy winter clothes which meant that they could very well be concealing weapons somewhere on their body. He looked at the girl again and noticed that there was a place on her cheek where her makeup had smeared and he could see it was covering a bruise. He sighed. He was SAS, not SIS like Fox. He wasn't good at this sort of stuff but he couldn't just leave the girl like this.

"You're right," he said rather stiffly. "We should go inside and get something warm to drink."

He hoped that he wouldn't see anyone he knew because even if he did have a legitimate reason for having a far too young girl handing on his arm, it would still be awkward explaining it. He picked up the bags he'd dropped and let the girl lead him towards a café that he hadn't known existed. Sometime during the walk she'd twined her fingers with his and he was uncomfortably aware just how much smaller her hand was compared to his. But he'd also noticed curious calluses that shouldn't have been there. He was beginning to suspect it was something more than just a girl running away from an abusive boyfriend like he'd originally thought.

He stood by as the girl ordered them coffee and then herded him towards a table in the corner of the shop that was a little in the shadow. The girl sat down facing the window that showed the street and he noticed her eyes scanning the street outside. She cursed quite colourfully in a low voice when she saw something she didn't like. Turning a little so that he could see what had upset her, he saw that the men had entered the café as well. He wondered if he should just go to them and tell them to piss off and stop bothering the girl but just as he was going to stand up the girl grabbed his hand and pulled him back down again.

"Don't," she said her smiling lips in contrast with the tone of her voice. "I don't want trouble. They'll give up sooner or later."

He settled back down and gave her his most intimidating glare. She didn't seem fazed which only made him more suspicious than before. He knew he was intimidating and wasn't afraid to use that to his advantage when it was needed and surely this girl shouldn't be immune to it.

"What exactly is going on here?" he asked making sure his voice couldn't be heard by the other customers.

"Don't worry," the girl said sipping her coffee and twining the fingers of her free hand with his again, as if they were on a date.

It was a good thing his back was to the men or the ruse would've fallen apart immediately. Concealing emotions was one thing, but faking them really wasn't his speciality and he just knew that whatever expression he had on right at that moment, it certainly wasn't one that belonged to a man on a date with his girlfriend.

"Sorry I pulled you into this, but I really need to shake them off without resorting to more drastic means and when I saw you it just clicked," she said almost apologetically but not quite.

He frowned at that. She sounded like she knew him but he was still sure he'd never met her in his life. He hadn't really spent much time among civilians in the last few years.

"Just who are you?" he asked.

The girl blinked, looking genuinely surprised before a real smile spread across her face.

"Oh this is good," she chuckled. "I know it's been a while but I thought for sure you'd recognize me. I guess they did a better job than I thought."

Irritated by her amusement he glared at her again but she ignored it as easily as before. The nagging feeling of familiarity was back but he still couldn't place it though it was obvious now that the girl knew who he was. And who, exactly, where the 'they' the girl had mentioned? And what exactly had they done?

"Just spit it out," he growled momentarily forgetting they were supposed to be pretending to be on a date. "Who are y-"

The girl moved fast and before he realized what was happening there was a pair of slightly moist lips pressed against his mouth. His instinct was to pull back and demand and explanation but the girl had a surprisingly strong grip on his neck and it tightened more in warning. It was only then he remembered why they were in the café in the first place and relaxed a little. The girl pulled back and he saw her eyes flicker towards the back of the café where the restrooms were.

"One of the men just passed our table," she said keeping her voice low. "Sorry about that but I can't have you risk my cover."

Cover… So she was an agent. Probably MI6 with his luck. Damn, he hated the sneaky bastards even if Fox was with them now and he was relatively okay. But she seemed too young to be one of their agents. Were they hiring them straight out of school now?

"What exactly is going on here?" he asked but didn't really think the girl would tell him much if she really was an agent on a mission.

"That's classified," she said amusement mixing with regret. "Suffice to say that one of my current associates has expressed his interest towards me and I can't let that happen. So I told him I have a boyfriend to get him to back off. I doubt it'll last for long because the people I'm dealing with won't take no for an answer forever. Still, it bought me some more time but apparently he doesn't trust me completely, hence the creeps over there."

Because he was SAS and not SIS he didn't really know the inner workings of the espionage world but he'd understood that while it was frowned upon it wasn't uncommon for agents to sleep with their targets. The girl had to know that so there had to be more behind her situation than that. He was slowly gathering the pieces of puzzle but unfortunately all he had now were pieces of sky and none of the corners.

And now he was thinking in metaphors. He needed to get out of this situation soon before he either started thinking like a damned spy or waxing poetic in his head. Unfortunately for him, the girl had him wrapped around her little finger at the moment, trapped by his sense of duty so there was nothing he could do unless he decided to leave the girl stranded. It wasn't really an option. He knew he was far from what people would normally consider a 'nice guy' to be like, but even he wasn't that much of a bastard. Besides, whatever she was doing had to be important and he didn't want to risk the safety of the country just because she got on his nerves.

"So… You say you know who I am," he said making sure to keep his voice down again. The man who'd passed their table hadn't come back yet.

The girl nodded the amusement back in her eyes. "Yeah," she said. "Though we haven't really seen each other recently I'd like to think I made a lasting impression." There was something mischievous about her words. "You certainly did," she finished. "Wolf."

She knew his codename but that was hardly surprising at this point.

"And do you have a name?" he asked.

She gave him a look that asked if he really thought she was going to give him her real name.

"I suppose it would be weird if you didn't know what to call your girlfriend," she said and her lips twitched at the last word. "You can call me Alexandra."

There was obviously some inside joke he was missing here and he didn't like it. Something about the girl rubbed him in all the wrong ways but he couldn't honestly say he disliked her. She may have been a sneaky spy but at least she didn't act all stuck up and while she refused to give him any real information at least she didn't parrot the c-word incessantly. Maybe it was something they developed over time and the girl didn't look old enough to have been doing her job for long. It was likely that this was her first mission, even. But she'd said he'd seen her before and apparently she thought she'd done something impressive or spectacularly stupid that should've stuck in his mind.

"Well Alexandra," he said allowing a measure of sarcasm to coat his words. "Do you have a follow up plan? It doesn't look like your tail is about to give up that easily."

She twirled her spoon in the remnants of her coffee and frowned a little sending another jolt of almost-recognition through Wolf's brain.

"They're annoyingly persistent," she admitted.

She was silent for a moment as she obviously thought of different strategies. Then she smiled wickedly and Wolf felt a certain sense of apprehension.

"How do you feel about Christmas shopping?" she asked smiling innocently.


The things he was willing to do for his country, Wolf thought glumly. He'd tried to point out that he'd already done his shopping but she'd merely glanced at his bags and said that it didn't matter because she still had things to buy. So she'd dragged him back outside. The shops would only be open for an hour or so but there were still far too many people out for Wolf's liking. The girl moved among the crowds with irritating ease always spotting the paths that let her move forward without slowing down. The positive side to this was that since she was holding his hand and pulling him along, it meant that he, too, could move along much easier than before. Still, it was humiliating to have a girl escort him like this.

As he walked behind her he looked her over again. She was wearing normal clothes for someone her age, he supposed: knee high boots, winter stockings, a skirt that looked like it was made from some heavy fabric, woollen jumper and a dark coat that ended slightly below her waist. The boots she was wearing didn't have high heels and the earrings she wore were rather plain but that style seemed to fit her. Since he was faced with her back he noticed that although the cut of her clothes hid it well, she had boarder shoulders than he'd thought at first. Her hips were rather narrow as well, for a girl, but maybe that was just her body type. Back in the café, she'd taken her coat off and he'd noted that she was fairly flat chested though his attention hadn't lingered there, obviously. She was pretty, yes, but boyishly so. His eyes narrowed and he filed that particular piece of the puzzle for further examination. He got the feeling that he was onto something there.

"Oh no," he said as he saw where 'Alexandra' was dragging him. "I am not going there."

"Don't be silly, dear," the girl said pulling him to her side and batting her eyes at him. "It's just a shop," she said as if she wasn't leading him towards a certain doom. "It's the perfect place to lose them," she said her lips barely moving and her voice so low only he could hear it.

"But does it have to be that place?" Wolf asked and then winced at how childish he must've sounded.

The girl shot him a look that said it had been very childish indeed and he scowled defensively back. "I will find out a way to make you regret this," he promised.

"I'm sure you will, darling," Alexandra said smiling patronizingly and patted his arm. "Now come on. I want to get something for your nieces as well. Want to make a good impression and all."

The words 'how do you know I have nieces?' almost spilled from his mouth but he managed to bite them back. Damned spies. He was pulled through the gates of hell and he prayed that this would be enough to make the creeps back off. He certainly wouldn't have stepped inside this place voluntarily.

Children. Children everywhere. Crying, screaming children with sticky fingers and snotty noses. It was like a scene from a horror film, though, Wolf had to admit, not from a conventional one. Why had he been dragged into a toy store of all places? A toy store full of aforementioned children and their stressed, and more than a bit manic, parents trying to get their little darlings something that would stop the constant wailing. He'd never really liked children and he was deeply suspicious of all of them. If they weren't tying your shoelaces together when you weren't looking they were kicking you out of airplanes or snowboarding down mountains on ironing boards. Granted, the last two were more anomalies than anything.

"So what did you get them?" Alexandra asked as she picked up a fluffy teddy bear absentmindedly.

"Some kind of shoes with wheels on them, I think," he said.

They had sounded like a bad idea but it would teach them to not ask for silly things, he supposed.

"That's just asking for broken bones," she said but she was grinning. "Surprisingly handy when you're trying to get away fast, however."

It was annoying that he knew that even if he asked, she wouldn't tell. Were all spies this annoying of was it just her? He was beginning to suspect that she was enjoying this. Not the part about being tailed by the creeps but the part where she could force him to enter this hellish place and laugh at jokes he couldn't begin to understand.

"So not traditionally girlish then?" she asked putting the bear back.

"They were pink," Wolf said.

She noticed the tone of his comment and rolled her eyes at him. "Pink is just a colour," she said letting him know that she thought he was acting silly.

Wolf decided that there was more than one good reason why women weren't allowed in the SAS and decided that he was wholly behind that restriction. It was a rather petty thought but he felt like he had a right to be a bit miffed about the whole affair. Luckily, once the girl was gone he could forget all about it. Though he'd threatened retribution he didn't really think he had any chance of finding out the girl's true identity. Damned spies.

"Do you think they'd like this?" Alexandra asked breaking him away from his thoughts.

She was holding a pair of smaller bears, a pink one and a violet one. Wolf didn't know what to say. He honestly had no idea what the girls would like and that was precisely why his sister had given him the list.

"Probably?" he said uncertainly.

She smiled at him. "Then I'll get them," she said going to pay for the bears.

Wolf followed her feeling a bit lost. He watched as she paid for them and then came to stand by him again.

"Shall we go, dear, I know you don't like being here," she said finally showing mercy towards him.

He nodded and allowed her to pull him out to the streets again where the crowds were finally thinning out.

"Follow me," she said and continued pulling him until they reached a smaller street that led off the main street and towards Soho.

Most of the smaller shops there had already closed for the day and there were fewer tourists walking around than there had to have been before.

"We've lost them," she finally said. "Probably finally got bored or something."

She wasn't smiling anymore and her expression was serious. It was like looking at a completely different person and her shift in personality was jarring. But it also jolted more memories into place and Wolf felt like he was just on the brink of recognition but he still couldn't remember where he might've seen her before. He watched as she ran her fingers through her previously carefully styled hair, messing it up carelessly.

"Ugh," she said distastefully. "Can't wait to wash this off."

Her voice was different as well as was her whole posture. It wasn't that she'd relaxed but she carried herself differently and he could tell that she was probably a lot more dangerous than he'd originally thought. True, she was still a lot smaller than he was, but that didn't always guarantee an easy victory. Not that he was planning on attacking her or anything but it was always good to know everything about a possible danger.

"Anyway," she said turning to give him a rather tired smile that was far more genuine than the ones he'd been getting earlier. "Thanks for the help. Turns out you're not a complete and utter bastard after all."

He glared at her even though he knew it was useless. She rolled her eyes good naturedly but didn't comment.

"You sure you don't need an escort home or anything?" Wolf asked, certainly not because he wanted to know where the agent lived for purposes of revenge or anything.

"No thanks," she said a wry smile crossing her lips. "But thanks for the offer."

She held out her hand for him to shake and he figured he might as well. It might be a good thing to be on good terms with an agent, even if she was new at what she did. She grabbed his hand but instead of shaking it she produced a pen from somewhere and proceeded to scrawl a string of numbers on it.

"I owe you one," she said. "I'm usually pretty busy, but if you need any help give me a call and I'll see what I can do." She let his hand go and turned half around obviously ready to leave.

"Oi," Wolf said.

He had to ask the one question that had been bothering him from the moment he'd seen her. "Just how old are you?"

Her eyes widened fractionally before her smile turned coquettish. "A bit young for you, I'd say," she said.

He frowned. "That's not what I meant," he said.

"Oh, I know," she said. "But if I told you where would the fun be in that?" she asked. "Anyway, if you figure out where you've seen me you should figure that out as well. If you get stuck you might want to ask your animal friends for help." She looked at her watch and grimaced. "I've got to run now. It was surprisingly nice seeing you."

She turned on her heels and walked briskly off while Wolf wondered what the hell had just happened. While he was a bit pissed off at being used like that he was also a bit impressed by the girl. Maybe all spies were bastards but at least some might be a bit decent.


End Part 1

End A/N: There will probably be a part two to this because I can already feel the idea forming. It was fun to write and completely silly. Definitely not to be taken seriously by any means.