fragile in their impossibility
LilyJames, for Leesha
Look, over there. You see that girl?
That girl, that Lily Evans…
Oh, how she hates him. But oh, how she fascinates him.
She's the shy, nerdy one in his house. She's the one people laugh at, and he laughs too, guiltily.
(Because "just look at that loner")
("She'll never get a boyfriend")
("Who would even notice her?")
And he feels kind of awful, because he never really noticed her, not until now.
So he goes out of his way to talk to her, and there begins this relationship of theirs.
She's friends with the Snape boy, which is why she hates him, he guesses. That evil Slytherin was probably filling her ears with all sorts of darkness, badness.
He persists with her, anyway. And by god, does he get her attention.
"Just one date!"
He watches her back as she walks away, and he doesn't know what he's doing wrong.
But give up? Never. Not while he's a Gryffindor.
Not while he's James Potter, and don't you forget that name.
They're the kings of the school, those four boys. They walk around in their superiority, and people smile at them as they walk past, because they're the very epitome of popularity, and why shouldn't everyone want to know them?
But it's a little bit of fear, too, because they're just ohsopowerful, and, laid bare, they're not much more than bullies, even Lupin.
Oh, but the bonds between those boys are such that cannot be truly broken, and they hold each other up while pulling others down. So they try to help him get this Evans girl, each in their own special way.
Sirius is full of pick-up lines, confidence boosters and tales of his own broom-cupboard conquests, and James goes to him first, because they're bestbest friends, JamesandSirius, and James trusts him with everything. And besides: Sirius has the experience with girls, doesn't he?
But that Remus- he's the intelligent one, you know. So he advises James to be a gentleman, to play nice, and to be himself- "but not too much." James listens and he tries, of course he does, but he can't help that little piece of cockiness when he's around Lily, and he fail, fail, fails.
Peter, he gives the counsel that maybe James should have listened to, because it would have saved him a whole lot of heartache.
But who listens to Wormtail?
("Give up, James")
Then, one day, they're something.
It starts so quietly, that if he hadn't been watching so damn closely then he might not have noticed. But James' eyes just go to her, and they have done so often that he detects even the slightest change.
It advances over a month or so, when the end of their sixth year is nearing. She's more restless, fidgety. Her fingers fumble nervously in her hair until she starts wearing it up in irritation.
(Her neck is pale, swan-like, ohsosexy)
He misses her over holidays, like always- misses her face, her voice, her anger.
But here's the thing: she misses him, too, and he knows because she sends him something.
It's a birthday card, short and simple, the usual "dear-James-happy-birthday-from-Lily", but, bland as the message may be, it holds so much more meaning for him, because it's a symbol, a symbol that finally, she might just have noticed something back.
(But she's always noticed him, even before whatever this relationship they have is started, and it was always hatred-noticing)
(But life is changing)
He's Head Boy, and it's not quite a surprise. Yeah, he's part of the four biggest trouble-makers in the school, and yeah, maybe he's not the most responsible of people, but he's a natural-born leader, and this position just feels right.
And when she finds out, Lily pretends to be furious and confused, and she wonders aloud why it wasn't Remus, but she's not surprised, either, not really.
It turns out that team-work isn't their thing, not for either of them, but for some reason they fit together, and it's all going to be OK.
Because they're LilyandJames, and, in the midst of being perfect opposites, they fall in love. They forge a friendship, which is weak at first, but it grows strong, and soon they're so much more than almost-something.
All his dreams are coming true, and when he leaves school and starts to fight, for the country, for freedom, for justice, for his loved ones, she's the one supporting him, fighting in her own way in St. Mungo's and believing in those four boys with all her strongstrong heart.
"Don't you dare give up, Potter, you stupid boy!"
She's dynamic as she yells at him, channelling her shock and hurt into this burning anger (to stop those tears).
She's a beautiful whirlwind of a disaster, and she's falling apart.
He doesn't even try to hide his sorrow.
"But what else can I do, Lily? Tell me! You've messed me up, and I just can't live like this anymore!"
His hands fist in his hair, clutching at the messy black locks, and she hates herself for wishing they were in her hair.
He leans closer, pain evident in his eyes.
"There's a war on, Lily."
"Selfish!" she shrieks, not realising as she takes on the look of her sister. "Selfishness! What about me, James?"
"THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT!" he bellows, and then cringes internally as she shrinks slightly from him. "Because I fucking love you," he sighs, "And I can't concentrate on fighting when you're around."
She can't bear the look of defeat in his eyes. "Fight with me, then! I can fight!" She can't help it- she wraps her arms around him desperately.
He knows he has no choice. Because if she (ohgod) fought, then she might… (ohgod)… die. He buries his face into her hair, wetting the red fire with his tears.
"Lily," he says, and it's an agonised whisper. "I- I can't."
Gently, he detaches himself from him and backs away, out of the flat.
She falls to the floor in shock. And, finally, the tears come.
A year passes, a year and a half, two years, and still they're nothing. She worries, he worries, and they both keep on fighting, missing each other all the time.
He starts to lose himself, just a little. He gets through the day by doing what he loves; fighting and saving and just losing himself in the glory and the belief and the dream of a better world.
He blunders through the night in the safety of welcoming arms and long legs and heatheatheat in bars and pubs.
Lily just works her heart out, and tries to be strong on the occasions that her patients don't survive, but she blames herself for their deaths, and she starts to hate the world and the war.
It's Sirius that sorts them out. He can't stand to see James destroying himself like this- James is his best friend, his brother, and he needs James' friendship in his life, not this workaholic idiot that is all his friend has become.
Sirius has seen a lot in the past few years. He's fought. He's nearly died. He's nearly killed, on several occasions.
And he knows, he knows that any one of them could die right now. Remus, Pete, James, even Lily. This is a war, and they are soldiers.
Soldiers can't afford to fight with the ones they love.
So somehow, somehow, he forges a rusty connection between James and Lily. It's hard work, but it's worth it, because he can see the love they share, and he feels good, knowing that he is a part of making that love something once again.
At first they don't want to see each other. It starts with sad eyes and gentle pleading, but soon enough it turns in blazing arguments, hand waving, tears. But he's Sirius, and goddammit if he's going to give up or something, so he keeps fighting for them, with them, and soon enough they're all sat in a muggle café.
"…Hi," she speaks first, and it's no more than a whisper.
He doesn't reply- he's too busy staring.
Their hands find each other under the table, and Sirius leaves them to their tentative reunion.
This relationship of theirs, this complex, ridiculous relationship, it starts up again slowly, almost painfully, and they both agree not to make it serious, to take it slow.
But they're in love, and they're so damn Gryffindor that they just can't help themselves. They become as happy as it seems is possible in the midst of a war, and the trials they face are hard, but they know they can make it, this couple living in their perfectly fucked-up cliché.
They're married within the year, and it's a burst of happiness and celebration that for once is not ruined by death and heartbreak.
They're moment of bliss can't last, though, can it? But wrapped up in each other, they begin to forget the world, until they've become so selfish that all that matters is their relationship, their marriage, their moment. Sirius and Remus despair of them, and Peter is pushed almost completely from the equation.
Finally, something happens to wake them up from their stupor.
And then it's not about them. It's all about HarryHarryHarry, and even through their selfishness they begin to see what they've become.
Reunited with Sirius, James throws himself back into fighting with a passion, aiding the war effort in every way he can, while Lily is by his side once again, fighting in the makeshift hospitals she sets up and trying to make the world a better place for him, for Harry.
They both thought that they could love nothing more than the other.
Look how wrong they are.
When their story ends, it's not as loudly as the lives of passion and fury that they've led all these years. It's so quiet, gentle, that it could render you to tears and fill you with hope at the same time. Because they die for their son, and that's what matters.
They die in the knowledge that they've made a difference, and they hope Sirius, Remus and Peter (because they never forgot him, not really) won't mourn them.
And as their tale fades to a conclusion, another begins.