Why yes, I am slightly obsessed with the 100 challenge :D I don't know if this counts as crack... I hope it does, it'd be cracker crack XD And this amuses me :D. Oh and, er, my Kakuzu is British and some of his Britishisms have rubbed off on the other Akatsuki, which is why they may slip out the occasional 'bollocks' 'arse' and 'wanker'. It is so not because I keep forgetting I made them American/Japanese. Dunno if I've actually mentioned this before. Jashin this fic's stupid...
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto ^^
"Kakuzu! Where the fuck are the crackers!" Hidan was frantically digging through the cupboards in search of the crackery goodness
"There aren't any," Kakuzu yawned from where he stood leaning on the door. It was about half seven and they had actually gotten up on time for once. None of them had ever been up this early and neither of them really knew what happened at half seven in the morning. Hidan seemed to be convinced that crackers were involved somehow.
"Why the fuck not? People eat crackers this time in the bastard morning!" Kakuzu merely blinked at him and questioned whether this change of routine had been too much for the Jashinists' already lacking sanity.
"Hidan…I love you but you are a fucking idiot sometimes," Hidan practically glowed, ignoring the fact he had just been insulted
"I love you too you moody old heathen!" To Hidan, two years was like a centurys' difference.
"Yeah, but what the hell do crackers have to do with anything?" Hidan simply pouted at being brushed off and explained his sudden cracker craving
"Well on telly people eat this kinda hard looking crunchy stuff in the morning and they put like, butter and cheese and shit on it. And they're crackers ain't they?" Kakuzu had lost it; he was practically doubled over in laughter. The mornings were not good for his mental state. Personally he thought nobody should be up before 9. It just wasn't right.
"You- you dumbass, Hidan, that's toast! How can you not know what toast is? I mean crumpets I can kind've understand, but I though toast was a universal thing?" his hysterics had calmed down into the odd chuckle as he fixed the baffled looking Jashinist a curious gaze
"…Toast? What the fuck is toast? It sounds like you're gonna set fire to somebody's nutsack," Kakuzu really didn't want to know where he got that from. He shoved the shorter boy aside ignoring his cries of protest, which in his opinion were far too loud for this early in the morning. He got the bread out and proceeded to explain to the breakfast challenged masochist what toast actually was.
"It's basically burnt bread," He lobbed a bit at Hidans head, smirking as he freaked out about crumbs in his hair and eyes.
"Burnt bread? That's fuckin' disgusting, why would you wanna eat burnt stuff?" He glared down at the offending food, poking it warily as if he expected it to jump up and eat him. Kakuzu sighed and threw the jam and butter at him, smirking again as they bashed him violently out of his suspicion induced toast trance.
"Oi! Look, burnt stuff is one thing but if you think I'm gonna eat jam and fucking butter together you've got another thing coming you tasteless heathen fuck!" Only Hidan could get such a rage going just from the concept of eating two different things together.
"Alright then you picky tosser, just choose one of them!" He had already reached the end of his tether and it was only…7:45. They still had 2 hours and 15 minutes to go before they needed to do anything.
The miser growled into his own breakfast, casting the Jashinist dirty looks every time he opened his mouth, smirking contently when he finally began to butter his toast. It was still a good few minutes before he bit into it however, but the look on his face was well worth the wait. His eyes widened more than Kakuzu thought possible and he was gaping, staring at the burnt bread in awe, as if Jashin himself had appeared before him.
"Holy fuck…Limey bastard! Make me more!" And before Kakuzu could point out that he hadn't even finished the piece he had, he had torn into it with a fury rivaled only by Sasukes' after a failed Itachi assassination. Without speaking the taller boy dragged Hidan over to the toaster by his hair and showed him how to make it, knowing that if he didn't he would be woken in the middle of the night for toasted treats.
"Insert bread, press button, receive toast. I'm going back to bed," and so he did, ignoring that niggling feeling that he had just unleashed something horrible upon humanity, and leaving the semi insane Jashinist to play with his new toy. Said Jashinist just stood, staring at the toaster for a while. Then an evil grin crossed his face and he began to laugh, a low, evil cackle.
An hour and a half later, after having wonderful dreams of a mute, naked Hidan bringing him bags of money, he ambled downstairs quite content. Until he got to the kitchen. There he saw, what he was ashamed to call his boyfriend, lying on his back, bits of toast everywhere (making what appeared to be crumb angels,) delirious and giggling and muttering to himself. When he saw Kakuzu he shot to the corner, clutching the empty packet of bread tightly and hissing at him, like some kind of crazed toast goblin. The stitched boy did the only thing one could do in a situation such as this; he walked away.
"And that Sasori, is why we always have 6 loaves of bread,"
Damn, I want some toast now... But I can't. Because I have a sore bloody throat and I will end up drowning in my own blood when it scratches the fuck out of me =.='