Soo Lin: I'm Asian so I'm doing a tea ceremony.

Museum Kid: Want to go out?

Soo Lin: I'm not a Geisha!

Museum Kid: In my fantasies you are.

Soo Lin: I'm Chinese!

-Creepin' in the basement in the dark—

Soo Lin: OMG A STATUE!

Audience: Fuck this opener, we want Martin and Benedict!

Sherlock: Ask and you shall receive!

-INTRO SEQUENCE. Hey, we're in London! You know… in case you forgot-

John: Just doin' the shopping.

Sherlock: HOLY CRAP, SWORD FIGHT WITH A GENERIC ARAB GUY!

John: Doin' shopping, check out!

Sherlock: HE HAS A HEADSCARF, COULD BE EGYPTIAN, I DON'T KNOW!

John: Want my shopping, stupid machine!

Sherlock: WHO GIVES A SHIT? I'M FUCKING WINNING!

John: Fuck you machine, give me my food before I break your face.

Sherlock: PUNCH, BITCH!

(Audience: umm… I think I could see where you didn't actually hit him…

Sherlock: SHH!)

John: Oh, I'm poor, going home.

Sherlock: Totally nothing happened.

John: Is that a scratch on the table?

Sherlock: You miss the sword under my chair but you get the scratch on the table?

John: I didn't get the shopping because the machine hated me.

Sherlock: …

John: I need money.

Sherlock: I am your sugary daddy.

John: Aw, sweet, thanks – wait, what?

Sherlock: Take the card and go get my food, woman!

-Time passes… apparently-

John: And I'm back with bags!

Sherlock: *stealing your computer to check e-mail from douche bag guy*

John: PRIVACY INVASION!

Sherlock: 'blow me sherlock' was an easy password to guess.

John: …that wasn't my password.

Sherlock: It is now.

John: *SNATCH*

Sherlock: *pout*

John: Soooo… can I borrow some mon-

Sherlock: BANK TIME!

John: So, are we here to get me money or are you just doing that thing where I follow you around for no reason?

Sherlock: Totally the second one.

John: Shit.

Banker Asshole: Heeeeeeeeeeey, Sherlock, my old friend but not really at all.

Sherlock: Sup, fucker?

Banker Asshole: Oh my god, you have a boyfriend now?

John: *hits head against wall*

Banker Asshole: Dude, at university Sherlock was such a prick.

Sherlock: Kinda like you now.

Banker Asshole: He never got laid.

Sherlock: That's not what your mom said.

Banker Asshole: HA – uh…

Sherlock: Did you bang any chicks on your around the world trips?

Banker Asshole: You cheeky fuck, checking out my ass again to find jizz stains?

John: Did he just say jizz!

Sherlock: Nah, chatting up your secretary.

Banker Asshole: I'm pretty sure you like guys though…

Sherlock: So, what the fuck did you want?

Banker Asshole: There's spray paint in this one office.

Sherlock: …spray paint.

Banker Asshole: Yeah, on this portrait.

Sherlock: …just spray paint?

Banker Asshole: Yeah, yellow spray paint.

Sherlock: You brought me here for fucking spray paint? What kind of shitty case is this?

Banker Asshole: Um… everything is locked so there is no way anyone could get in and there's only like a minute gap in our video feed, totally mysterious.

Sherlock: More interested!

John: I am doing absolutely nothing right now.

Banker Asshole: So, figure it out and I'll pay you.

Sherlock: I don't give a shit about your money.

John: I DO! I DO!

Banker Asshole: So, I can keep my money?

Sherlock: Bitch, plz.

John: …I'm just going to hang on to that check, thanks.

Sherlock: *JUMP AROUND THE OFFICE LIKE A FREAK TIME*

Employees: …the fuck? …ooo nice ass.

Sherlock: It's a message meant for China guy. I'm stealing his name plate.

John: So, wait… how did you know about banker guy's trips and China dude's spray paint show?

Sherlock: Yeeeees, feed my ego and I will do cheeky smiles!

Audience: *MELTS*

Sherlock: Well, I thought about stealing douche bag's watch so I saw the messed up date and the spray paint was left late at night so it's for time difference China boy. Wins for me!

John: Did you ever get laid at uni?

Sherlock: SHUT UP, I'M GENIUSING! We're going to his apartment.

John: You so didn't.

Sherlock: Hey, girl, can I climb over your balcony?

Flat Girl: Is that a euphemism?

Sherlock: I'm making cute faces.

Flat Girl: Get up here, baby.

Sherlock: *breaking into an apartment* Found a dead guy! Let's break out some of this excessive amount of champagne!

John: So, suicide?

Sherlock: More like not suicide!

John: It looks like suicide.

Sherlock: It wasn't last time and it won't be this time.

John: Touché.

Sherlock: You're not French!

Not!Lestrade: What the fuck are you doing?

Sherlock: Who the fuck you are? Where is my police chief punching bag?

Not!Lestrade: Not coming, so you can shut the fuck up.

Sherlock: I am going to dress you down so fast.

John: I assume you don't mean literally?

Sherlock: …

Not!Lestrade: So… suicide?

John: Been there done that.

Not!Lestrade: Wait…

Sherlock: Not fucking suicide, uh duh.

Not!Lestrade: It so is, stop being a bitch.

Sherlock: Uh, head wound on the right!

Not!Lestrade & John: …uh…

Sherlock: He's left handed.

Not!Lestrade & John: …uh…

Sherlock: Fucking Christ you retards! Literally everything in here is on the left. I would list them all but I just can't be fucking bothered.

John: Oh, I'm sure you can.

Sherlock: Coffee table, coffee mug, electric sockets, phone, pen, butter knife, BITCH PLEASE!

Not!Lestrade: I really don't like you.

Sherlock: Bullet went out the window, baby.

Not!Lestrade: I like you even less.

Sherlock: Why don't you go do your fucking job, DRAMA WALK OUTTA HERE!

John: *scamper*

Sherlock: Dude, your China Van Coon guy was murdered!

Banker Asshole: He so totally wasn't.

John: Yeah, we think he was.

Banker Asshole: I hear it was suicide.

Sherlock: *breaks mirror*

Banker Asshole: I'm gonna go with that, you just stick to the break in spray paint shit.

John: Awww, can we keep him?

Sherlock: I am going to kill someone!

Random Bald Dude: OMG I AM RUNNING FROM SOMETHING WITH FEAR!

-In house, up stairs, close door, SAFE!—

Random Bald Dude: OMG I'M TOTALLY NOT SAFE!

Museum Kid: Where did Geisha girl go?

Museum Boss: Totally gone.

Museum Kid: But there are all these reasons why she wouldn't have left and she still hasn't gone on a date with me.

Museum Boss: Die in a fire.

Museum Kid: *investigate*

-Oh wow, look, China town! How stereotypical…-

Museum Kid: LEAVING A NOTE!

-Job Interview-

John: Yes, a woman in my life!

Sarah: You're a hot solider guy, work for me!

John: Yes, please.

-Home is where the heart is… *cough*-

Sherlock: PEN, BITCH.

John: Uh… huh?

Sherlock: *catch without looking*

John: Show off.

Sherlock: Have a nice job interview?

John: There was a HOT girl.

Sherlock: *JEALOUS*

John: We have more plot exposition?

Sherlock: Dead guy #2

Not!Lestrade: I hate my job…

Sherlock: FLAT INVESTIGATION PART 2!

John: Not breaking in this time…

Sherlock: Black lotus flower, I wonder if that's a trend?

John: Uh… I forget if we saw one with the first dead guy. Whoops. WHATEVER!

Sherlock: Killer can climb!

Not!Lestrade: Spiderman?

John: I think that might be your only good line in this episode.

Sherlock: LET'S GO LIBRARY… cause I like this book randomly.

John: Yes! I finally did something, spray paint behind the books!

Sherlock: Sooooooo… we should figure out this code.

John: What you don't know it already, Mr. Smart as Fuck?

Sherlock: TIME FOR ADVICE!

John: 0_0

Sherlock: From a vandal.

Spray Paint Annoying Kid: Like my cop painting?

Sherlock: Check out my fancy phone photography!

Spray Paint Annoying Kid: What the fuck is this shit?

Sherlock: OMG THERE IS MURDER, IT'S IMPORTANT!

Spray Paint Annoying Kid: Yeah, right, okay, jeeze… meanie face.

Sherlock & Spray Paint Annoying Kid: SHIT THE FUZZ! CHEESE IT!

John: Huh?

Cops: You are so arrested.

John: Fucking shit, I'm the patsy!

Museum Kid: I'm sad.

Sherlock: Where have you been?

John: I AM SO PISSED AT YOU!

Sherlock: More investigation time!

John: You are never getting laid, ever.

Sherlock: Wait, what?

PA Girl: Uh, he did stuff and things… and stuff… and went places… *shifty eyes*

Sherlock: Oooo, China town!

John: Yo, I found the shop in Bald Guy's diary.

Sherlock: … easy method? Does not compute…

John: Hey, the spray paint symbol is on this cup thingy.

Sherlock: …easy find? Does not compute…

John: Maybe it's –

Sherlock: STOP SHOWING ME UP, IT'S NUMBERS! NUMBERS, I TELL YOU!

John: …

Black Lotus Bitch: Do de do, taking your picture…

John: Foooooooooood.

Sherlock: SMUGGLING! This is so James Bond.

John: …No Russians?

Sherlock: China is the new Russia.

John: So, why are our two guys dead?

Sherlock: Cause they stole shit, duh.

John: Those bitches.

Sherlock: LOOK, SIGNIFICANT APARTMENT!

John: Seriously, how do you know it matters to this case? Because of a wet phone book? That's reaching…

Sherlock: House breaking, take 2!

John: Uh… I'll wait down here?

Sherlock: Aw, cute flat! There's beads and stuff!

John: Hey, let me in.

Sherlock: I wonder if there's danger here…

John: Leeeeeeeeeeeeet me in! *whines*

Sherlock: The window was open… does that mean – OH SHIT, CHOKING!

John: Let. Me. In.

Sherlock: Being choked! John help!

John: I haaaaaaate you!

Sherlock: *gurgle* Not quite dead. Aw, I get a black lotus flower too.

John: WTF?

Sherlock: Hey, sorry, *GASP* she's not here.

John: Were you just being choked?

Sherlock: No.

Museum Kid: Find my Geisha?

Sherlock: Where did you put her?

Musuem Kid: She has stuff in the basement.

John: I bet she does.

Sherlock & John: OMG SPRAY PAINT ON THE STATUE!

Soo Lin: Now you see why I was freakin'

Spray Paint Annoying Kid: Hey, me again, I found your paint.

John: I haaaaaaaate you!

Black Lotus Bitch: Creepin' in your shadow.

John: This is a shit ton of spray paint.

Spray Paint Annoying Kid: Look, yellow.

Sherlock: I LOVE CLUUUUUUUUES! Let's go walk in the dark… just around… you know, look for paint in like… places…

John: Found it on a wall, I win!

Sherlock: Bitch, why didn't I get to find it? Stop showing me up!

John: I'm like a sniffer dog.

Sherlock: I TOUCH YOUR HEAD THEN SPIN YOU AROUND!

Audience: OMG, touchy close proximity, my brain!

John: Uh, I took a picture because I have common sense, thanks.

Sherlock: Numbers!

John: I. Am. So. Tired.

Museum Kid: She had tea pots.

Sherlock: She is so hiding in the museum.

Soo Lin: Oh, my tea pots, my babies, I have no life!

Sherlock: Got your tea pot.

Soo Lin: CREEPER!

John: Sorry, he's got a drama streak. *mutters* fucking diva.

Soo Lin: Here is all this back story and plot thickyness about this Chinese crime mob and me being a drug smuggler and how I escaped and it's a big sob story and my brother is called a spider now and cry cry, sad sad, look I have a tattoo.

John: This is taking like a full ten minutes of the show… *YAWN*

Soo Lin: *EMO FACE*

Black Lotus Bitch: Paper flower time, uh oh!

Sherlock: Okay, enough emo time, can you translate?

Soo Lin: Those are numbers!

Sherlock: Yeah, I know, dumb ass. What do they say?

Soo Lin: Well, there's this book -

-LIGHTS OFF—

Soo Lin: That was a convenient interruption.

Sherlock: RUNNING AROUND!

John: Shit, I probably shouldn't leave you alone since you're the one they want to kill…

Sherlock: STILL RUNNING AROUND, OMG GUN SHOTS!

John: Shit… I have to save my totally not boyfriend, don't die while I'm gone!

Sherlock: DON'T BREAK THE HISTORICAL ARTIFACTS!

John: NOW I'M RUNNING!

Soo Lin: Oh Shit, dramatic suspenseful music is playing. I'm going to die aren't I?

Asian Brother: Yep.

Soo Lin: I'm going to speak in Chinese because it's all… meaningful… and stuff…

Asian Brother: I'm going to shoot you. Buh bang.

John: Wow, we didn't protect the girl who could have helped us move the plot along because we were running around doing nothing. FAIL.

Sherlock: Whatever, another black flower for my collection!

John: OMG, MY CONSCIENCEC!

Sherlock: Dude, Chinese mob!

Not!Lestrade: What are you talking about, crazy?

Sherlock: Hey, Molly, can I look at corpses?

Molly: Omg, hi, omg…. Hi… *whisper* I want to jump you.

Sherlock: *smile* Your hair is nice. *frown*

Molly: Let's go see bodies!

Sherlock: Look, tattoos!

Not!Lestrade: …uh huh.

Sherlock: BOOOOOOOKS!

John: Has this really all been in just one night!

Sherlock: Look! Chinese antiques!

John: And we finally have the last plot connection.

Mrs. Hudson: Token appearance in episode!

Sherlock: Time for book fun!

John: I. Hate. You.

Not!Lestrade: I do nothing in this episode.

Sherlock: Still awake!

John: Oh shit, hot girl job time!

Sarah: What the hell is with this line?

Secretary: Your new cute doctor sucks ass.

John: *sleeps adorably*

Sarah: *wants to bang him*

John: Uh… sorry for sucking.

Sarah: So, up late with your girlfriend?

John: Boyfriend.

Sarah: What?

John: LET'S GO ON A DATE!

Sherlock: So. Many. Books.

John: What's up? I was showing my straightness today!

Sherlock: You. Me. Date, tonight.

John: Sorry, I've got a straight date.

Sherlock: FUCKING CHEATER!

John: …

Sherlock: Take her to the Chinese circus.

John: Uh. No.

Sarah: Wow! A Chinese circus!

John: Fun date!

Ticket Guy: Three tickets?

Sherlock: Hey, gurl, hey.

John & Sarah: Date bombed!

Sherlock: Hey, I'm your date's boyfriend.

Sarah: …creeper.

John: Please, God, no, spare me!

Sherlock: It's connected to the case, no date night for you.

John: I want date night.

Sherlock: No, case night. Chinese circus? All the Chinese stuff is connected, duh!

John: I WANT DATE NIGHT!

Sherlock: That's not what you said before.

John: I want GIRL date night.

Sherlock: Bitch.

John: I WANT TO GET LAID!

Sarah: Heeeeeeeey!

Sherlock: *GLARE OF DEATH*

-Time for circus stuff-

Black Lotus Bitch: Recognize me in my fancy get up?

Sherlock: Man, I've seen this one. Laaaaaaaame.

John: This sequence with the sand and the arrow and stuff is taking FOREVER!

Sarah: Am I necessary to this scene?

Sherlock: Aww, he escaped. *pouts* I wanted more death.

John: I wonder if this is going to be significant later in the episode…

Sherlock: *creepin back stage*

John & Sarah: Ooooo, swinging stuff. *snuggle*

Sherlock: I found spray paint!

Random Chinese Guy: I KILL YOUR FACE!

Sherlock: AHHHHH! FIGHT SCENE AGAIN!

Curtain: Bitch, get off me!

John: HOLY SHIT SHERLOCK IN TROUBLE, RESCUE TIME!

Sherlock & John: Owie, we're losing!

Sarah: GET OFF MY DATE! *bitch smack*

John: *swoon*

Not!Lestrade: This is really annoying.

Sherlock: Hmm… need a way to move the plot along.

Sarah: Uh… is this boyfriend time?

Sherlock: Yes.

John: No.

Sherlock: Leave, bitch!

John: I'll find food… or not…

Sarah: So, your spray paint pictures are code numbers that mean words?

Sherlock: Well, duh… wait, how…

Sarah: See, on picture, translating. HA! In your face.

Sherlock: Shit, I hate when idiotic people act useful.

John: Huh?

Sherlock: Soo Lin was useful too! Going to the museum, BUH BYE!

German Tourists: OWIE!

Sherlock: Wait, I just ran into my plot device!

German Tourists: You can't steal our book!

Sherlock: I speak German, yes I can.

John: Sooooo, you want to get take away?

Sarah: This kitchen is disgusting.

Sherlock: Translating takes up screen time!

John: Ooo, early knock at the door, this can't be trouble or anything.

Sherlock: I'm still translating…

Random Chinese Guy: You got the shit? I got the money.

John: Wait… you don't look like take out… maybe this is…

Random Chinese Guy: *club in face*

John: Not good. *falls*

Sherlock: Finally done translating after forever. Hey, John, I'm crazy smart and figured it out before I even got to the museum!

-SPRAY PAINT OF DOOM ON WINDOWS-

Sherlock: Oh shit, they stole my boyfriend… Rescue time!

John: Oh god, my head really hurts…

Black Lotus Bitch: I'm saying some stupid proverb.

John: HOLY SHIT CREEPY CHINESE LADY IN A CAVE!

Sarah: Urk… I'm gagged.

John: Oh, shit bags.

Black Lotus Bitch: So, you're Sherlock Holmes.

John: Uh, no.

Black Lotus Bitch: Debit card.

John: Borrowed!

Black Lotus Bitch: Check!

John: Holding! …until I cash it.

Black Lotus Bitch: Circus Tickets.

John: Stop looking through my stuff!

Black Lotus Bitch: You said it yourself in that one scene!

John: Fuck my life!

Black Lotus Bitch: Fake shoot you, ha ha.

John: I almost pissed myself, you cunt!

Sherlock: omg omg omg omg where are they, need a map, omg!

Black Lotus Bitch: Check out my biker gloves.

John: …I need to stop following Sherlock around so I don't end up in these situations.

Black Lotus Bitch: Where is my fucking expensive hairpin?

John: I DUH KNO!

Sarah: Can I leave now?

Black Lotus Bitch: I will kill your girlfriend.

John: How is the Chinese bitch the only one who thinks I'm straight!

Sarah: OMG THE SPEAR THING CAME BACK!

Black Lotus Bitch: I learned this kill scene from James Bond!

Sherlock: My taxi is slow.

Black Lotus Bitch: I'm being dramatic.

Sarah: I'm being scared.

John: I'm being panicked!

Black Lotus Bitch: Flower for the girl.

John & Sarah: *whimper*

Sherlock: Here I come to save the day!

Black Lotus Bitch: Buzh!

John: WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN!

Black Lotus Bitch: Wait… who are you?

Sherlock: Ho, I'm Sherlock Holmes.

John: Yeah!

Sherlock: John doesn't look anything like me.

John: Yeah!

Sherlock: He's totally short.

John: …yeah.

Sherlock: I'm sure he's a great shag and all, but he's not me.

John: Yeah – wait… what?

Black Lotus Bitch: I'll shoot you!

Sherlock: You'll shoot the wall!

Sarah: Um. Still in mortal danger here!

Sherlock: *kick some ass*

John: *chair wiggle*

Black Lotus Bitch: *flee*

Sherlock: *being choked… again*

John: *more chair wiggle and fall*

Sarah: Seriously? I'm going to die by Chinese spear?

Sherlock: *breathing… not happening*

John: *kick that spear thing and stab the random Chinese guy!* I win! Win for John!

Sherlock: Damn it, stop up staging me!

Sarah: Worst. Date. Ever.

Not!Lestrade: I still did absolutely nothing in this episode.

Sherlock: It's because no one cares about you and you're not Lestrade. See, it's even your speech name label.

Not!Lestrade: …fuck me.

John: Why didn't we have any of our normal police force again?

Sherlock: So, you were having an affair?

PA girl: Yeah.

Sherlock: And he got you a present that's in your hair right now?

PA girl: Yeah.

Sherlock: It's worth like a gazillion pounds, FYI.

PA girl: FUCK THIS SHIT HOLE, GOOD BYE PEOPLE! I AM A RICH BITCH!

John: So, alls well that ends well?

Sherlock: What is this, Dickens?

John: But yeah, the police will totally get that crime mob and it will be all okay! Optimism, I haz it.

Sherlock: *facepalm*

John: It's kind of cute we're eating breakfast together.

Black Lotus Bitch: Uh, sorry we fucked up. We didn't know this Sherlock guy was so bad ass.

Text!Moriarty: Bitch, you are so fired!

Black Lotus Bitch: Sorry! I swear I won't be a loose end dangerous to your anonymity!

Text!Moriarty: Not after my hit man is done, you won't

Black Lotus Bitch: Wait, what?

-BANG!-