Quick Note:

Slight collaborations ahead. Hope you'll enjoy them, for they are good. ONWARD, FOR HILARITY!


In a dark, damp and cold room without windows, and just a single light bulb dangling from a string that has no particular function other than swinging around, Byakuren sits on a chair with her hands tied behind her back, and her legs tied to the chair's legs.

With a forced brave face, betrayed by a single tear of fright under her left eyes, the woman barks "you will NEVER get away with this!"

A chuckle and a few steps echo around the room, just before Medicine and Su-San reveal themselves from the shadows.

She points at the tied up monk, and says "quiet you! I have his USB thing, and HE is a fat pervert with a love of fanservice! I'm getting away with this, and you're going to like it."

She and the small doll suddenly point at nothingness with a dangerous glare in their eyes, then the girl says "and it's Purple Mist, the Most Awesome Pirate Terror Ever, Willie! Get it wrong again, and I'm posting that picture on those two famous video sites! And I'll be using that music type you hate so much as the BGM."

...

"That's better," coos the blonde with a smile on her face.

Byakuren looks toward were the blonde was pointing at, and exclaims "author, please be brave! You have to fight her! You can win!"

The blonde laughs at the monk's desperate calls, and says "you don't know him the way I do. He's too much of a chicken who can't seem to let go of material things. Really pathetic, if you ask me."

I swear I want to kill that poisonous girl right now... but she's so awesome, I can't.

The magician woman sighs, then says "I see. Someone like him is impossible to teach the ways of the Buddha. I'm so doomed."

Purple Mist looks again at nothingness with the most vilest of grins, and says "alright Wllie-boy. Humiliate her so that I can extract her magical essence, and finally grow this body up to womanhood, and look as hot as those two vampires!"

Somehow, Parsee peeks her head from behind the background items in the darkness.

Her eyes glow as she stares toward Purple Mist, her grin becomes a crescent-shaped light in the dark, then hides back down before she is noticed.

The blonde girl lifts her arms chest high and wiggles her fingers as she moves toward the shivering Byakuren's chest, slowly gets closer, and closer, and the poor monk's clothes begin to melt, and for some odd reason, chibi-neko Miko is watching all from the background with glints in her eyes.

The door to the right bursts open with a bang the very second those tiny fingers were to touch those glorious mounds, then the flinching woman smiles as she looks out to the light coming from that door, and exclaims "MINI-CHAN! SHOU-CHAN! Willie grew some balls after all!"

Somewhere in my room, I just finished filling my two basketballs with air. I GET TO PLAY AGAIN!

Anyway, Medicine threatens to break my USB in half, but is stopped when Murasa throws an anchor at her feet, forcing her to jump away.

"YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS TRANSGRESSION, WILLIE!" shouts Medicine before she expels a thick poison mist out of her mouth.

Shou rushes to Byakuren's front, raises her lance, the Jeweled Pagoda, then lets out a mighty roar along a rapid chanting that activates a holy barrier that turns the poison cloud into a mere annoyance that cuts visibility to Zero.

While a mysterious young man with VERY long hair and with a green saber screams as he fights in the cloud's depths, the blonde girl crawls like some sort of roach under the blinding mist until she reaches the exit of the room.

"Find that heathen!", commands the tiger youkai, but the gradient-haired woman quickly cries "forget about her~ Just untie me already, please!"

Both captain and tiger snort, lower their weapons, and turn to face Byakuren, only to stop when they gaze upon their gorgeous leader in such a provocative predicament.

Both Shou and Minamitsu stand and stare as the light caresses the woman's round features, blood trickle down their noses, both lift their hands in the air and start to moan like zombies, then the woman cries "kyaah~ No~ Don't fall to temptation, PLEASE!"

A massive ball of blue plasma flies through the scene, blasting those two perverts through the ceiling, then Ichirin, who wears a tight blue outfit, a round blue helmet with a scowling front cut and a small red crystal in front, and a large, round blue arm cannon, enters the room and says "anee-san, we came to save you!"

Behind her, Unzan wears a red and white, sort-of horned helmet with a large green crystal in front, and is holding a green light saber on his right hand.

When the tied-up monk notices the cloud-man's weapon, she asks "wait, how can Unzan be there, when he was over there at the background, fighting something before?"

The girls look to the left of the room, where the man with a head shaped like Unzan's helmet flips a thumb up to them, the words "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" appear above him in blue, then he zips out of the room as a red beam of light that goes through the ceiling, without disturbing it at all.

Byakuren is already out of the chair as she, Ichirin and Unzan stare up to the ceiling, while chibi-neko Damien, who sits with his legs crossed on the now empty chair, sighs and says with his suave voice "that was a real man."

The girls and Nyuudo all stare silently at the cat man, and take slow steps toward the exit.

After the three are gone, Murasa and Shou crash on the floor, moan as they get up, grimace as they rub their heads, then twitch with fright when they notice the chibi-neko on the seat.

They slowly turns their white, disk-like eyes and heads toward the little Damien, their faces turn blue, and now they find themselves screaming and hugging each other tightly as their small boat rocks around the green, stormy sea with the creepy red kraken with big yellow eyes, roaring in front of them.


That morning, at the deck of the S.S. In Your Face Murasa (MAN, THAT'S A MOUTHFUL!), Rika stretches her wings and moves them up and down, alternately, while she tinkers with something on a small square table before her.

To the right, watching curiously, are Satori, whom is wearing a white t-shirt, pink shorts, and comfortable white sneakers, and Koishi, who wears a navy-blue swimsuit, yellow shorts, and a pair of geta sandals.

"Thank you so very much, Miss Rika."

The maid looks at the mind reader with curiosity, then asks "wait, how did you-?" but she quickly remembers who she's dealing with, smiles and giggles, and says "right. No need to say I'm done. Here you go then. You should be able to read even... someone's mind, a little easier with this."

The maid hands the youkai the bracelet with the Eagle and Tiger's Eye stones, while thinking "I almost let it slip there, but seems Koishi-chan is still oblivious. Now go ahead and try it out."

The cute angel lets out an adorable giggle that causes the purple-haired girl to blush a bit as she equips the enhanced bracelet.

She gives the angel girl a thumps up, stares at her little sister, who is currently looking at the birds flying in the skies, and concentrates.

She focuses on Koishi, straining her eyes as she strengthens her focus, then smiles when she starts hearing something very faint, while ignoring the thoughts of Rika, whom keeps repeating how much she wants to hug her Reimu.

"...ah, that cloud reminds me of ice cream. I'm hungry. I wonder if I can eat something from the ghost lady's ship over there?"

Satori grins wide upon getting a successful reading from her little sister's mind, then giggles when Koishi-chan looks at her, and thinks "what's she looking at? Hmm... maybe it's my swimsuit. Yup, she subconsciously wants to touch me. Ah, but not yet. I want to surprise her."

The grinning mind reader turns to Rika, bows, and says "it's working like a charm, Miss Rika. Thank you so much for your help."

"Marisa's coming to get you~"

The maid bows politely, lifting her skirt slightly, and says "it was my pleasure, Lady Satori. Still, I don't think you can read Miss Suwako's thoughts yet. Maybe Miss Kanako's..."

"She thinks your sexy~"

Satori bows her head slightly, and smiles as she says "that's alright. I'll get through that divine heart of hers eventually. Oh, I see the Hakurei Maiden is fine. Could you send her my regards?"

"She wants to touch you~"

The angelic maid chuckles contently, and says "oh my. Well of course I'll tell her. I'm sure she'll be happy to receive your message," while thinking "my lady Reimu is so radiant, and beautiful, and graceful, and ahh~ I think I'll make something sweet for her today."

"She's getting closer~"

The purple-haired girl chuckles nervously as she looks at the shrine's maid, and says "er, yeah, I'm glad to hear that. Um, are you sure the others are still sleeping?"

"She's almost there~"

The angelic maid notices the nervous look and cold sweat coming from Satori's forehead, then gasps and says "oh my goodness! I'm so sorry! Such improper thoughts! P-please forgive me!"

"She's going to touch you~"

The sweating satori youkai's lips wriggle as she forces a smile, and says "no, no, don't worry about that. Believe me, I've read wo-"

In the youkai's mind, the entire scene becomes white, and a sudden image of Marisa reaching for her appears with a sudden metallic sound.

Satori screams as she jumps on Rika's arms, and looks away as she shouts out loud "STOP THINKING THAT, YOU PERVERT!"

The maid looks around in surprise, then softly comments "er... Miss Satori, the only ones here are you, me, and-"

"AH-HAH! I KNEW IT! Onee-chan, you're reading my mind!"

The girls look at Koishi, who storms closer to her older sister, pokes her nose, and says "but even so, I still OWN YOU! You'll NEVER get away with the Undefined Object!"

Nue and the adult Flandre hover down to the ship on said vampire's red UFO, that very vampire gets off, nodding at the undefined girl, then walks over to the subconscious satori.

Koishi is sweating bullets and shivering so violently, she making the bamboo floor rattle.

Flandre bows to the greyish-green haired girl, pulls a large grey fish from the pocket of her dress, then slaps the youkai across the face with it, making her spin in place several times.

She tosses the fish away, grabs the subconscious monster just as she falls from her spin, lifts her over her shoulder, takes her to the UFO, then takes off to the sky after settling in, saying "I'll take good care of her. Don't let Marisa catch you, though."

And with that, Satori and Rika are left on their own, looking up toward that flying machine with three cute, sexy, and destructive EX bosses, unaware of Marisa reaching for them from behind, with a rather mischievous grin.


Meanwhile, back at the Palanquin, Cirno mops the deck, while Byakuren finishes scolding Minamitsu and Shou, over at the new tennis court over there.

Their scolding is getting in Aya's way of earning the championship, but thankfully, the Rabid Karate Night Sparrow has called for an extended time-out.

The ice fairy sighs after finishing her job, places the mop inside its bucket, then asks "Dai-chan, need help with those?"

She approaches Daiyousei, whom is cleaning the portside (left) rails, and seems to be having a hard time doing so, thanks mostly to her tiny muscles.

When she reaches her friend and attempts to begin the cleaning of those slippery rails, Mystia flies over, looking anxious, desperate, her hair's a mess, she's sweating bullets, and she's panting uncontrollably.

She crashes on Cirno, they roll on the ground several times, and when they stop, the night sparrow is on top of the fairy's stomach, screaming "you gotta help me! THEY'RE AFTER ME!"

The greater fairy pulls the bird of the ice fairy's stomach, slaps her twice, then sweetly asks "would you like to do it?"

The girls stare at the green haired fairy, then quickly turn their faces away and begin to chortle loudly, Mystia even having to put a finger on her mouth in order to prevent herself from laughing too loudly.

Daiyousei's face turns blood red when she realizes what she just said, yelps lightly while looking away, then covers her face and flaps her wings rapidly.

"Hey, keep rolling. We're still in the middle of the scene," whispers adult Remilia from somewhere outside the scene.

The girls manage to chuckle off the last few laughs, Daiyousei takes a deep breath to calm herself down, turns to face Mystia again, then mumbles "sorry."

Once they all settle down again, Cirno gets off the ground, and demands "what the heck's your problem, darn it? Who's after you?"

The night sparrow quickly points to the sky behind herself, and shortly after, Okuu, whom is in her usual white shirt and green short skirt attire, lands on the deck, accompanied by a boy nobody recognizes.

The medium-sized boy (who looks laughably underwhelming besides the taller Okuu) has short auburn hair, a thin auburn beard on his chin, and wears a brown jacket over a blue shirt. Aside from this, he has blue jeans, black shoes, a sword in a holster strapped over his shoulder, and another around his waist at his belt, this one with a gun.

The cowering Mystia hides behind Daiyousei, and fearfully says "it's them! They are the bullies that are trying to kidnap me!"

Cirno takes the front, points at the boy and his hell raven, and demands "Hey, who the hell do you think you are? Stop picking on Mystia, or feel the wrath of the strongest fairy!"

"Ryan~ they're getting in our way again…" cutely whines the hell raven, pouting with impatience. "Can't I just blast them this one time and get it over with? Please~?"

The boy glances over to the girl, then says with a sweatdrop on his head, "Okuu, let's…not make any more enemies than we have to. Look, we're not here to bully the sparrow girl. We just need to get her back with us, so Yukari will- Wait, the fuck? …Cirno, you said you're my rival, but now you forgot all about me?"

He taps his foot impatiently against the wooden floor while crossing his arms over his chest, and with a look of disappointment and disbelief, he says "Gee, thanks. Normally I'd be relieved but…well, I knew you were stupid, but never rude! See if I'll ever fight with you again!"

The ice fairy raises her left brow in confusion, looks back at Daiyousei and Mystia, then looks back at Ryan, and says "I think you're confusing me with someone else. I've never seen you in my life, and I'm not stupid you hairy jerk!"

"RYAAAAAAANNNN~!"

Everyone sort-of recognize Remilia's voice as she flies over to the ship, shouting "WRONG FICTION, YOU IDIOT! WRONG FICTION!"

The adult vampire mistress lands in front of the boy, her breasts bounce as she lands, and, understandably, Ryan's eyes, though still in their sockets, lock on that gorgeous body.

Before the vampire says her piece, he points at her breasts and exclaims "GREAT HOOGILY-BOOGILY, LOLI VAMPIRE IS STACKED? Okuu, she…she has boobs!"

The hell raven gasps, and exclaims "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON? Everything has gone wrong, WRONG, I SAY-"

Remilia pulls two washtubs from her cleavage, smashes both their heads several times and effectively cutting Utsuho's screaming off, though making sure not to kill Ryan.

After being satisfied with the solid beating, she tosses the dented cleaning bowls of metal, and dusts her hands while saying, "Keep focused, kid. I'm trying to help you."

Both boy and bird stand in attention, saluting the sexy vampire, who paces around and says "like I was say-"

"HEY!" Ryan rudely interrupts. "…Holy crap, you're out in the sun. Why aren't you a fireball by now? !"

His outburst earns him nothing but a swift punch on the head, which leads to a steaming bump that causes him to groan, whimper and shiver. …But, as a good side of things, he also gets Okuu's soft fingers nursing said bump.

"Anyways," Remilia begins, shaking her steaming fist, "THIS... is Tales of the Almost Pirates. A fiction where anything goes, and the fourth wall doesn't exist. YOU two …should be in Average Joe in Bullet Hell, Magnificent Sasquatch's fiction."

Both boy and bird look as confused as one would expect, then Yukari's gap opens up under their feet.

They both look down. For a moment, all is quiet. Then they fall into the yawning gap, Ryan screaming like a child due for a pants-changing.

"GODDAMNIT, YUKARIIIIIIIIIIIIIII~…!"

The floor's gap closes up, Yukari reveals herself in front of Cirno, grabs the three little youkai girls, squeezes them against her breasts, and in a bubbly tone, says "that was so much fun! You girls really did a great job there."

All heads turn starboard (right), when Byakuren screams "oh no, I'm falling agaaaaaaain~!"

The girls stare silently while the peace-loving monk falls off the ship, and not one of them seems to really care.


Over at the Unnamed Ghostly Ship, Yuyuko, whom is wearing her regular light-blue kimono with the cherry blossoms motif, is currently on her hands and knees with her butt raised up while she looks around the floor of the deck.

Kimi and Kali watch her from the sides, looking completely unamused, yet in their eyes can be seen a plot to cause some sort of amusing incident out of it, and so, with a glancing, nodding agreement, the two approach the ghost princess.

"Um, hey, pink-haired ghost lady. What are you doing?" asks the shadow's shadow, getting the well-endowed ghost's attention.

Said woman looks up at the two shadows, and says "I'm looking for Youmu. Could you help me find her?"

Both girls raise an eyebrow, wondering why would she be looking for Youmu so low to the floor, when said girl is at least four feet tall; give or take a few inches.

The hesitant shadow dragon looks around for any signs of the girl, then asks "why... exactly are you looking for her down there?"

"Because she fell, and she can't get up, silly," casually replies Yuyuko, making that dragon both mad, an infinitely confused.

Kimi and Kali look at each other, hoping to be able to find a sensible answer that doesn't involve some sort of gag, but they know better than to question my author's brain, and forgetting about their prank, they silently decide to help look for the half ghost.

"Fine, we'll help," says the shadow dragon before activating her odd eye-patch and squatting down to the ground to search.

Mere minutes later, Youmu sits on her knees while watching in disappointed disbelief at the searching girls, all while drinking tea, and being polite about it!

She lets out a quick sigh, and asks "so, have you found Youmu yet?"

Kali looks at the girl, shakes her head, and sighs "it's like she's not here in this ship at all. Seriously, where could she be, Youmu-san?"

Youmu lets out a puff of her breath, her ghost half swirls around her, then she replies "I... really don't have a clue. Sorry."

"I found her~" happily sings Yuyuko from the distance.

The two shadows rush to her side, while the ghostly princess pulls her hand from a hole on the wooden floor.

She yanks Youmu out of the tiny hole, uses her own body as a cushion for the silver-haired girl, and while holding the girl in her arms, she coos "Youmu, I finally found you."

The confused half-ghost in tattered and dirty clothes glances around as though in shock and fright, then finally notices Yuyuko's smiling face, her eyes water, then she suddenly cries "WAAAHHH! Yuyu-sama, why did you take so long to find me? Yuyu-samaaaaaa~"

Yuyuko giggles while embracing the silver-haired girl, and coos "aww. There, there, Youmu, it's alright. I got you now."

The two shadow girls stare at the scene with indifference, sniffle, and when they look to the left to hide their embarrassment, and right where Youmu was sitting before, is chibi-neko Sanae, who sweetly says "the mysteries of life are plentiful. It's so romantic~"

Kimi shivers, Kali chokes, and Lily white just left a donation at the Hakurei Shrine.

...Nobody explodes this time, so just move along.


Back at the Palanquin, Cirno is, once again, mopping the deck, cleaning the dirt left behind by the mysterious visitors from another fiction.

Beside her are Mystia and Daiyousei, helping out their friend with the mopping, but what is surprising about this is that our dear ice fairy is doing the job faster, and of a higher quality than her friends, who just seem to be soaking the floor up.

Behind them is Byakuren, doing her routine exercises in her white lycra pants that reach her knees, white sports bra, and a lose short black shirt that has its sleeves and bottom torn.

We all know where this is heading towards to, so let's cut to the chase and get on with it.

So, yeah, the sexy monk is done with her exercises, and is conveniently heading toward the mopping trio to inspect their work.

She looks at the floor, smiles, and says "that's a nice job you're doing the-waaaahhh~"

And, of course, she slips on the wet floor and screams as she heads straight to the starboard (right) rails of the ship.

"I'll save you, Hijiri-san!", bravely declares Cirno, who shortly after, shoots a quick ice spell from her little hands, freezing the path in front of the sexy monk lady. (Thank you guys at 'Let's Danmaku', for the inspiration on doing this to my dear Byakuren.)

The ice spreads the moment Byakuren touches it, and she shouts "I'm falling over agaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnn!", shocking the three little youkai on the deck.

Inside the ice are Byakuren's black shirt, lycra pants, and her shoes, but not Byakuren, and looking at this, Cirno raises a shocked eyebrow and asks "how did I even get to do that?"

SPLASH goes the Youkhrist after landing head-first into the Misty Lake, giving us a mere glance of her perfect, bare bottom, followed promptly by chibi-neko Ran, who dives gracefully, making a mere plop upon landing.

The little cat splashes back out, lands on top of the water, then the other chibi-nekos on the screen below her give the scores.

Damien a 8.9, Miko a 7.9, Yumemi a 9.6, and Sanae, a 2.8.

She shouts and alarmed "NYAN?" after seeing that last score, fire rises from her back as she shouts "NYAAAAAANNNNN!", and all the little cats scramble in fear as the now-giant neko Ran goes after them, muttering grumbled curses under her breath and shooting eye beams.

Our dear Byakuren finally splashes out of the water, gasping out loud as we watch, in slow motion, as her hair flies above her head, shooting glistening drop of water that grace her almost bare skin with a subtle, cold touch, and how her almost-free chest dances around the surface of that lake, as if trying to play a fun, childish game with the water.

Fanservice over, the gradient-haired woman pants as she looks around herself, then whines "what sort of bad luck has fallen on my shoulders today? First kidnapped, and now a second fall from the ship. I've been cursed I say."

Purple Mist, the AWESOME Pirate Terror, walks on the water as she casually approaches the Youkhrist, and says "yes. You do have a curse. His name is Willie G.R., and NOT because of my... heh, persuasions, you have become his target today."

"AAH! But why would he target me? It thought he liked me!"

The blonde terror giggles at Byakuren's naivety, and says "it's called 'tough love'. Just ask around. He's got the death sentence all over Gensokyo for it. Now, enough chit-chat. Let me extract your youth, so that I may be a HOT, and SEXY mama too!"

Su-San springs out of hiding, and joins Medicine in their mandatory, slow-motion reaching of Byakuren's chest, when said monk suddenly shouts "WAIT!"

Having gotten the monster girl's attention, she says "why extract the youth, when I can show you what you need to know to achieve it instead?"

Purple Mist (who didn't notice my slip before) bends her knees in an unlady-like manner, stares flatly at the sexy woman, and casually says "because, learning such magic will take me years. I want the sexiness now. So stretch 'em out for me sweetheart. I'm-a groping!"

"KYAAAAAAAA~" screams Byakuren as she swims faster than a kappa with motor boots, with the two blonde dolls running on the water while chasing after her.

Ail suddenly rises from the water in front of the girls, successfully stopping the chase, spreads his hands, and chuckles softly.

They stare at him, wondering how the hell he is so perfectly dry after rising from beneath a lake, and why is he wearing a woman's sash around himself.

Regardless of their staring and without opening his eyes, the boy softly says "you have tossed a Byakuren to my waters. You may each have one wish."

"Hey! Ail! Watch out! Hey! Listen! HEY! LISTEN! AIIIIILLLLL!"

Phredia, Budou's elf fairy, who is currently wearing a dress witch skirt looks like a pink tulip, gets flicked on the face after annoying the boy more than enough.

After that, Byakuren quickly shouts "I WISH I WAS BACK AT MY SHIP!"

Just like that, she disappears, regardless of Medicine's complaining about it, or the fact that Minamitsu is eating spaghetti WITHOUT meatballs. THE FIEND! (No, actually, I like spaghetti either way.)

Ail smiles at the blonde, bows, then asks "and what would your wish be, I wonder?"

"I wanna be hot and sexy, like those vampires!", quickly says the blonde youkai.

Again, the boy smiles as he says "of course, I already knew. It was just protocol. Anyways..."

With a flick of his finger, a gap opens up around the doll youkai, consumes her like some mouth, but instead of actually swallowing her, it grants her wish.

Medicine's shirt now serves as a bra from her new, generous breasts, her hips barely fit in her pants, her new, athletic body, screams to be released of such confining clothes, her blonde hair has grown just slightly, and her skin is now much more similar to that of a real woman, and not that semi-doll-like skin.

She scrunches up and allows herself to sink underwater (while Su-San stays above with my USB), then peeks her head back out and shouts "you idiot, what about my clothes! ?"

Ail grins mischievously, and says "the wish was that you wanted to be hot and sexy, like the vampires. You never mentioned anything about clothes."

Before the girl attempts to shoot a rage-poison cloud at him, the boy softly says "now, if you don't return that stolen USB by the end of the chapter, or actually sooner than that, you little twerp, you are going to get crow's feet and liver spots. So please return the-ARGH!"

Before he can finish, Phredia strikes his face with a baseball bat, knocking him into the water, and puffing a satisfactory breath out of her mouth before flying away.


At the Hakurei Shrine, after having eaten lunch, Reimu, and the legless leotard-clad Shinki walk out into the sun, where the goddess says "that Rika can really cook some fierce meals!"

The Hakurei Maiden nods in assent, opens her smiling mouth while gesturing her hands, then the light-blue haired woman says "oh, I see. That celestial did a good thing, building that green house for her. Such fresh vegetables. And not a trace of pesticides on them either."

Both girls start to giggle and laugh, then stop when a thin figure appears walking through the trees right after the storage house, and stare as the new face gets closer to them.

Yet another strange boy appears in this chapter. REJOICE!

This one has brownish-black hair made into a small ponytail, has dark brown eyes, small fangs at the bottom of his mouth, has a very cynical look on his face, and wears a black turtleneck under a red and blue overcoat, blue and red pants, and sturdy, dirty-looking dark-brown shoes.

At that very moment, Marisa lands between the staring girls, looks toward the visitor as curious as the two of them, then gasps, points at the boy, then retracts her hand, frowns, and asks "who's the kid? He looks like he's Eirin's son, or something."

The boy looks around the shrine with great shock in his face, while thinking "...what the hell? Reimu... rebuilt the shrine already? Look at that, is that a greenhouse? Wait, how long was I in Makai? WHAT THE HELL? This... this must have been Yukari's doing...!"

*Sniff sniff* "I recognize that smell of peaches. And it's coming from the greenhouse. So, Tenshi helped them rebuild? Talk about a change of pace; normally she's destroying things instead. Heheh, grand crushing. Ah, I wonder where she is. I don't see her... or smell her here."

The boy sniffs again, smiles, and without turning his head, he says "Reimu, Marisa! It's kinda nice to see you two finally getting off your lazy asses and actually doing something worth mentioning. The shrine looks great. I would have picked better colors though."

Reimu panics and whimpers for a moment, then she and Marisa take a fighting stance, the witch holding her Hakkero, then said black and white demands "alright boy, who the hell are you, and how do you know our names, ze?"

The boy turns his face to them, and his smile suddenly turns to a scowl as he points at Shinki, and says "YOU!"

He looks back, and commands "Garrote, Alice, it's Shinki! The GODDESS kind! She-" and that's when he realizes he's on his own.

"FACEPALM!" he thinks before face palming himself hard, continuously processing thoughts afterward "Shit. Did I get distracted and didn't notice? Shinki played her cards right. I'm alone, and it looks like that cheating hag has Reimu AND Marisa under her control. Ugh! This looks like it's gonna be fun. Up my ass!"

He stands upright while a blue flame grows out of his right hand, smiles, and says "hey, Santa Claus! You chased me all the way here after all! If I didn't know any better I'd be flattered, but I'm kinda pissed off that you'd take my allies away just as you gain two more of your own. Still, you're in Yukari's terr-"

And that's when he notices the leotard on the confused Makaian goddess, who says "young man, I don't really know who you are, but if you're looking for a fight, please go somewhere else. I'm not interested."

"Ok, time out," thinks the boy while staring at the goddess. "Why the hell is she wearing something as tight as THAT?"

Without hesitation, he asks "why the hell are you wearing something as tight as THAT? Last I checked, leotards were out of the market a few hundred years ago! ...Wait, that actually explains a lot, never mind that."

Raging fire burns around the pissed off goddess of Makai as the word 'PISSED' flies in front of her, and she raises an imaginary sleeve up her right arm, while furiously saying "I'm going to kill that little shit!"

While Reimu fights to keep the raging Shinki back, Marisa raises an eyebrow, and asks the question she should have asked form the start. "Hey, boy, who the hell are you, some kind of clown? Maybe Eirin's son?"

"Marisa, Reimu, it's me, Katsura Shinki! Don't you remember me? Also, it offends me that you'd put me on the same level as Doctor Insano over there! I got a clean criminal record! In Gensokyo, at least!"

Even Shinki's rage quells when she hears the boy's name, and all three, with white disks for eyes, ask at the same time (except Reimu) "SHINKI?"

"Isn't that a girl's name?", adds the black and white with suspicion.

The boy clenches his fist and rubs the bridge of his nose in annoyance as he thinks "not this pissy shit again," loudly saying "please let's not have this talk again? Did you really degrade yourselves to this point while I was gone? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Both Reimu and Marisa look just about ready to kick his ass, but Shinki gets in front of them, points at Shinki, and says "you rude little runt! You'll pay for calling me a hag!"

The boy takes a fighting stance, and says "I didn't call you a hag, I called you old! Where's Alice and Garrote?"

Shinki raises an eyebrow, and says "I don't know about no Garrote, but my Alice is fine. I haven't done anything to her!"

"Don't give me that crap!" rudely replies Shinki. "You already sent Alice to another dimension once, so what's stopping you from doing it again? Did you end up shoving them up your ass? Because I kind of don't doubt that you did!"

"Ooooooohhhhh~" growls Shinki while shivering with pure rage.

Marisa stares at Shinki, and says "oi, calm down!"

Reimu gets closer to Shinki, and waves her arms around while furiously cooing.

Shinki glares at Marisa, while Shinki glares at Reimu, then they both say "he/she started it!"

Shrine maiden and ordinary witch face palm, groan, then Shinki says "oh, don't give me that!"

The human girls look at Shinki, then back at Shinki, who says "you know what? Screw procedure!"

Shinki lifts his hands and two blue-flamed versions of them appear above each, while Shinki raises her hand and prepares a ball of pure white energy.

Rika yips as she summersaults in the air, lands on Shinki's back, successfully flattening him against the hard ground, and angrily says "Katsura Shinki from Touhou Chronicles, I am appalled! To think you'd actually enter this fiction and act so discourteous! I should spank you right here and now, mister! Too bad your mother, Etherdrone, never gave you a good spanking! You REALLY needed it!"

The boy groans as he lifts himself off his chest, looks up at the maid, then exclaims "the fuck? Rika! ? Rika Onkamikami? So... Wait a second, am I in that pissy Sukima-verse... thing?"

The maid steps hard on the boy's back, making him groan, then says "careful. This is my home. Well, you're in a spin-off of my home. Heck, I'm even out of character here. But how the heck did you get into this fiction?"

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!" exclaims Shinki. "Rika, sweetie, you know this rude jerk? How?"

The sweet and angelic maid giggles, then says "oh, we've had our encounters at the 'Let's Danmaku' forums and chat. Willie's a little hazy about the encounters there, since it was due to papa Snapshot, but yeah, that's where I met Mister Shinki."

"Do you want me to get you a ladder to get off my fucking back?" groans Shinki from the ground.

Rika kicks his back one more time, then angrily says "that one was for calling mom a 'hag', you. She's beautiful, and you know it!"

She finally gets off the boy, helps him up, and after he dusts his shirt and pants, he looks around and begrudgingly says "fine, I get it, I'm sorry. Look, not to be rude, and by that I mean I want to be as rude as inhumanly possible, but I don't want to be stuck in this stupid world of yours, so... Get me out of here pronto, please."

A gap opens up under the boy's feet, and gravity immediately does its wonderfully lovely duty of pulling said boy in like some ravenous animal sucking on a tiny meal.

As soon as he starts falling, he screams out loud "Whoa!- THANK YOU, YUKARIIIIIIIII!"

The moment that gap closes up, Reimu reaches to the air with her gohei, swings it to her left, then Yukari is forced out of her gap with a large lump on the head.

She holds her head in pain as she cries "uuu! You didn't have to hit me! It was just him and that Ryan boy, I swear."

The tiny dog Ail walks into the scene, looks up at the girls with those black, shiny, puppy eyes, then they all scream (except Reimu, of course) "MUNCHKIN~!"

The little dog yelps as he runs away from the loving embrace of Shinki, Yukari, Marisa, Reimu, AND Rika. (That lucky bastard!)


At the S.S. Glass Leotard, Orin, who wears black tights under a dark-green leotard, which accents her gorgeous woman figure to the point of making her look desirable, is currently sneaking around with her wheelbarrow on hand, in hopes of finding interesting corpses in that demonic ship.

So far, she's found nothing, but she's not about to leave empty-handed, and is prepared to improvise if needed; and so she reveals a massive bat with several rusty nails on its tip.

She spots Sara, whom is currently stretching up, bending down, making that delectable leotard ride up her... body, stars glitter in the kasha's eyes, and a bloodthirsty grin and glint quickly escape her.

She walks closer to her target, silent but quickly, raises her weapon of choice, then SWINGS with all her might.

Not only have her hands become lighter after the swing, but the satisfying sound of thunking wood on cracking skull is sorely missed, and now the oblivious Makaian sighs as she cleans the sweat off her forehead with a small towel, and walks away while saying to herself "time for a delicious, well-earned lunch."

The kasha looks at her hands and misses the bat she was supposed to be holding, so she looks behind herself, and snarls at the source of her failure.

The RKNS has that bat on its little claws, and is giving Orin the deadliest stare ever, which she returns in kind.

"Alright, you bloody feathered moron. You either return my toy, or I swear to Hell, I am going to rip you into bite-sized pieces, and eat you, bit by bit while watching Ail and Kyo attempt to act a scene!"

The challenge is set, the life bars appear above the two combatants, then a chocking, manly voice with a funny accent says "Round One. FIGHT!"

Orin swings her wheelbarrow sideways, the little sparrow jumps, er ...sorta hovers above it, then he swings that nailed bat and strikes the weapon out of the cat girl's hands.

Over at the distance, out of the scene, there is that loud clunk of that wheelbarrow's hitting something, accompanied by Byakuren's screech and cry "WHAT'S GOING ON NOW?"

He drops on the ground shortly after dropping the bat, places his wings on the ground as he winds back, then launches himself, full-speed, toward the dear kasha's stomach.

While she's airborne and her life bar shrinks a bit, he somehow grabs her, turns her around, grabs her legs, then forces her to dive face-first to the floor.

After the impact, she manages to push herself off the ground with her hands, performs an awesome flip kick that hits the bird on the beak, then she lands back on her feet, grinning as she watches the bird's life bar shrink a tiny bit.

The RKNS lands on the floor, unleashes his held-up power and tweets furiously, a large image of himself appears next to him, then he launches himself toward the stunned kasha.

He becomes a beam of brown light that hits the girl on the stomach, then chin, grabs her arm and twists it back until it cracks, kicks her on the back, rapidly flies in front of her and kicks her chest upward, and while she's airborne again, he flies from every direction possible to him at blinding speeds, striking the poor girl until her life bar is all red.

Orin's scream echoes four times before her body hits the ground, the voice says "YOU LOSE!", and as she lands on her back, the little sparrow stands back on the ground and makes a really cool pose as he winks forward.

Rin manages to hop back on her feet again, points at the bird threateningly, the voice says "Round Two. FIGHT!", then says "you won't catch me off guard again!"

She rushes toward the bird, uses her entire body to throw a punch, miss, a second punch, miss, flip-kicks, miss, then the nimble bird counters with a quick uppercut to the chin.

As soon as she hits the ground, the Rabid Sparrow flies up to the sky, then quickly dives down on her stomach, twirling his body like a drill and draining her life bar all the way to the middle.

As soon as he's off, Orin flips back on her feet, then cautiously steps away from the bird without taking her eyes off him, while said bird confidently hoppity hops toward her.

She finds her precious bat, quickly bends and spins to pick it up, and with the spinning momentum, she strikes the little bird's body with it so hard, the evil sparrow is sent to bounce hard against the invisible virtual border of their little fight arena, taking a good chunk off his life bar in the process.

The bird is dazed, a good chance to finish him off for good, and the kasha is not one to ignore opportunity, so she goes for him, lifts her bat above her head, then swings it down as hard as she can.

The blunt impact is missing, and as soon as she looks down to see what had happened, her own bat strikes her on the face.

As she rubs her nose, she looks up to the air, where the RKNS has her bat, then gasps in horror when the little monster takes her weapon with both claws, and begs "NO! DON'T!"

The evil bird snaps the thick part of the bat in two, and does so with ease, then drops it on the ground.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Orin quickly drops on her knees to grab the pieces of her bat, and after a sniffle, she cries "my bat! My Precious SP One Forty-Two, Corpse-Creating Model, Version One! NOOOOOOOOO!"

While she suffers for her lost item, the vile bird starts to tweet his laughter, and right after hearing that, the thunder-roaring kasha catches fire, stands tall on her two feet, bares her claws, long, sharp, and shiny, and roars "you fucking little waste of life! I! WILL! SHRED! YOUR! SOOOOOUUUUUULLLLLL!"

She swings those claws faster than the speed of light itself, and yet the night sparrow keeps up, and moves accordingly to her strikes, laughing while dodging, and clawing the back of her hands every time he can.

Meanwhile, at the Palanquin's cabin, Byakuren's wheelbarrow-induced forehead bump is being treated by Ichirin, while said monk sniffles and cries "Willie's so mean. Chiyuri was right all along."

Shou, who stands on the Youkhrist's side, smiles sheepishly, a sweatdrop rolls down the side of her head, and she places a comforting hand on the woman, while saying "there, there, it's alright Lady Hijiri. He's picking on the Kasha now."

A giant meatball, fully cooked and sauced, crashes through the left, bounces on Byakuren, taking Shou and Ichirin along, then crashes against the right wall, where it splats to a stop.

Orin is stuck in there with her eyes spinning in place, while moaning "ooouuuhhhhhh~ Beaten by a bird. Shaaaaaaame~"

The gradient-haired woman pops her head out of the meat, and angrily cries "I CAN'T forgive this! It's too much to bare!"

The dazed chibi-neko Yumemi pops her head from the woman's left, and moans "running restaurants shouldn't be this hazardous-nya."

Chibi-neko Ran pops her head out of the meat, looking as fine as if nothing ever happened, and nods thrice rapidly, while humming "HUNHUNHUN!"


Later, at Mystia's still-closed Unnamed Night Restaurant, chibi-nekos Damien, Yumemi, Miko, and for some odd reason, Damien himself, are currently holding notepads on their hands as they wait for Mystia's orders.

The strict little night sparrow paces left and right, like some sort of drill sergeant, and sternly says "alright, the restaurant will be opening soon. We'll be getting a lot of hungry customers, but to be ready for that, we need..."

She points at the tiny neko Damien, and epically declares "...SUPPLIES: I got the eels and the seeds! Get meat, NOT BIRD'S MEAT, OR I'LL COOK YOU, vegetables, and rice! GO!"

He salutes the bird boss with the lively eyes, and with his suave voice, says "as you wish. Oh I'm so honored to work for one such as beautiful as you, yet so POWERFUL and on top! I like it!", then runs away to the door.

Mystia quickly points at chibi-neko Yumemi, and commands "SAKE! We will need TWICE the amount we had last night. We don't want to run out again, GOT IT? It got dangerous without it, it will get WORST THAN THAT tonight!"

The redhead cat shivers at the intensity of her boss, salutes with fear, and cries "I-I'll get them, nyan! Y-y-you can count on me, MA'AM!", then runs away, crying in fear.

Mystia, then, points at chibi-neko Miko, and commands "READING MATERIAL! Some customers like something light to read while they eat! Get at least THREE copies of the newspapers around here, and see if you can find a decent book."

Before the little cat speaks, the night sparrow quickly says "oh, and please, try to avoid that Bunbunmaru crap. It's full of outdated lies!"

Somewhere over the Youkai Forest's skies, Aya groans as she grips her chest tight, and screams "BIIiiiIIIIiiiIIiITCH!", as she spirals head-first to the unforgiving ground below.

Back at the restaurant, the little cat girl salutes her boss, and rapidly says "Me's a get the good stuff, boss-nya~", and rapidly walks away.

Mystia suddenly points at Damien, and loudly declares "you're my MAN-MEAT!"

The boy quickly presents an official-looking piece of paper signed by both him and the bird girl, and neutrally says "you failed to produce Ail, so I'm not. Now tell me what to do, or I'm walkin'"

The girl sighs in disappointment, yet still smiles as she looks away while shrugging, and says "fine. Please clean the tables and the bathrooms. You got three hours, or it's the paddle."

The boy's already ghostly-pale face becomes even paler as he trembles in fear, and in an instant, he's already cleaning two tables at once.

Mystia shoots a naughty glance with an equally naughty grin at the boy, then looks forward, frowns, and says "well, look who's grown. Did you really do it to that poor woman?"

The adult Medicine Melancholy stands before Mystia with a sly smile on her face, wearing a tight black spandex turtleneck with long sleeves, which accent her new, glorious womanly figure, including making her chest look a little bigger than it is, short blood-red shorts that cover just about enough, so that her legs are seen almost all the way up, but not enough to reveal all to the naked eyes, and has brown leather ankle high boots with a wide opening, so that her gorgeous calves remain as exposed as her glorious legs.

On her shoulder is Su-San, whom still holds my USB, and looks a little scared of it, yet doesn't let it go. Seriously, they should.

The sexy blonde smiles at the night sparrow youkai, and says "actually, that friend of Kyo's did this. He did warn me I should return this USB, but... eh, Willie can't do a thing to me while I have it."

Mystia is somehow in her eel cart uniform, and holding a large, steaming pot of sauce on her hands.

She smiles at the sexy woman before her, opens the pot, then Mima springs out of it, grabs the poison woman, pulls her in, and then the pot closes.

The night sparrow looks at Su-San, smiles, and says "come. Follow me. We'll get her back."

And so the bird and the doll make their way to the kitchen, walk past the dual spring doors, place the pot on the counter and continue to the employee bathrooms, they walk to the men's room, walk over to the second urinal, flush it, then Medicine falls from the roof, her hair a mess, her clothes turned around, and with a red lipstick mark kissed on her forehead.

She looks around completely disoriented, muttering incomplete words for at least two minutes, until Mystia finally splashes her with water, and says "that's just the start. Even with his USB in your power, the author's gonna attack. You sealed your own fate with this one."

The blonde shakes her head, pushes her face against the sparrow, and through gritted teeth, asks "what the hell did you just splash me with?"

She backs away from the girl, grabs Su-San and the USB, then sighs and says "hey, Willie, that photo of you lounging on the couch. The one with the stained underwear. Yup. I uploaded that. Keep it up, and I'm uploading this PATHETIC love letter next!"

With that, she hops over the paragraph division, and disappears before I start writing the next scene. (Curse that evil bitch.)


That afternoon, at Eientei, Mokou is currently tied up with magically reinforced rope and hanging in the center of a magically made volcano that looks just about ready to erupt.

She's kicking around while screaming "when I get out of here, I'm going to kill you, Kaguya! YOU YEAR ME! I'll KILL YOU!", but she's only managing to make herself sick with all the swinging.

On a small stage in front of the mansion, made of bamboo shoots and human hair, are Kaguya, a slightly embarrassed Byakuren, a TREMENDOUSLY embarrassed and pissed off Eirin, Remilia, and one very happy-looking Flandre, all wearing grass skirts over bikini bottoms, each representing their colors, and coconut tops. (Yup... Coconut bikinis.)

We marvel at the sight of plenty perfect peaks (minus one pair) towering over silky valleys, covered by mere tropical fruits, many cute belly buttons, and several smooth curves that spell doom for any man foolish enough to underestimate them and attempt to travel through them.

"Darn it all, Willie," silently cries Byakuren, while Kaguya shoots a venomous glare at a specific point, and says "watch it. My boobs are still plentiful!"

The adult vampires chuckle at the Moon Princess, while Eirin crosses an arm under her chest in order to hide her annoying embarrassment, and to suppress her desire to murder the author.

Mamizou, who stands below the girls and also wears a coconut bikini, though she has three flower necklaces getting in our way, preventing us from seeing those gorgeous mounds well enough, smacks her tail on the ground, making a loud thump that gets the girls' attention, and commands "quiet! We have to start now, before it's too late!"

The girls line up, the tanuki stands below the stage in the very center, and commands "alright. HIT IT!"

To the right of the stage are Tewi, a group of female youkai rabbits, and one really pissed off Kyo, who is wearing a cute and fluffy bunny disguise, all ready to start playing their bamboo-made tropical instruments.

As soon as the music starts playing, and that fast, tropical rhythm gets into the girls' veins, hips start shaking left and right with that rhythm, though they seem to fail keeping up with each other.

The grass skirts flail about, giving all of us a good glimpse at those tight bottoms doing nothing to hold the jiggle from those well-toned, shaped curves and powerful thighs.

The coconut tops shake and bounce quite a bit, but they hold their place, so we won't get to peek at nothing more than what we are already seeing, however, for Mamizou, those bothersome flower necklaces are moving about, allowing us to see her generously large mountains play about, even with their restrains on.

Suddenly, the gorgeous Medicine falls from the sky, also wearing a grass skirt and coconut bikini.

Her generous breasts bounce naturally as she recovers from the shock of the impact, her perfectly toned belly stretches as she straightens up, her smooth, non-doll-like skin shines with silky life, her shoulder-length hair flips about as she shakes her head, then she sighs as Su-San reaches her shoulder and hovers above it.

She looks back at the nervous girls, then says "watch and learn, you idiots! Follow my lead before the volcano eats us all. ...THIS is how it's done!"

The sexy poison youkai snaps her fingers, the music starts to play, and those wonderfully perfect hips start moving around so gracefully, so sexily, so rapidly, and so mesmerizingly, even the women blush as they look at the poison blonde.

"DANCE, YOU IDIOTS!" commands the woman, and shortly after, all the girls start to dance just like Medicine, matching their hip movements perfectly.

The volcano starts to hum happily, the lava within starts to stir, and Mokou furiously kicks around and shouts "KAGUYAAAAA! GET ME OUT OF HERE, DAMMIT! I'M NOT KIDDING. I SWEAR TO THE GODS, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!"

The women ignore the furious cries of the Phoenix girl and continue dancing, disregarding the fact that they are all sweating.

Those glistening drops that expel themselves from their gorgeous pores (even the sexy vampires are affected) grace their bodies as they continue to shake their hips and gracefully move their hands around, and then...

Mokou's bloody scream of pain as the magma rises like a fountain from the volcano cannot be properly described by any means of words available to our world yet, but it's loud enough to cause the music to stop playing, and the women to stop dancing, so that they may all marvel at the sight of the happy volcano devouring its sacrifice.

Know, however, the high levels of profanity spewed out of the immortal's mouth cause the nearby flora to wither, Tewi to giggle like an excited school girl, and Byakuren to cry many tears while covering her ears and reciting rapid sutras.

Kyo is not amused yet, and he still wants to kill someone, just because he's fwuffy bunny suit is giving him an itch.

The volcano, and Mokou, stop their show, everything quickly settles, then the adult Medicine swipes the sweat off her forehead and says "phew. We're safe for another thousand years."

The sweaty women and vampires all jump and cheer excitedly, press their hot, sweating bodies against each other as they give each other many congratulatory group hugs, and finally, the muscled boy in the bunny disguise smiles as he and Aya record and photograph everything with tremendous hand skills, and high-tech cameras that are suspiciously too suspicious.

They even go as far as to raise a free thrid arm to give each other a MANLY thumbs up. (Where those came from, I don't know.)

"KAGUYA, YOU ******* BIIIIIIITCH! ALL OF YOU! **** YOU ALL! **** YOU TO ***** HELL, AND DIEEEEEE!"

Mokou rises out of the fire, scorched to the bone, fire rising from the slowly reforming skull, her Phoenix wings spread wider than ever, and now her eye-crosshair is locking on the women on (and off) the stage, and NOT JUST Kaguya.

Every one of them ignore the fact that their coconut tops had tangled during the hug, and start running away, ripping them off themselves as soon as they jump off the stage, though, to our disgrace, that's when several flower necklaces fall from the sky to cover them all (as best they can, I guess).

And so, they all run for their lives as the immortal girl raises her hands above her head to gather up an entire small sun the size of one from Okuu's.

"DIIIIIEEEEEE" she screams as she throws the massive ball of fire down to the ground, then she explodes

She is sent flying forcefully toward who-knows-where, screaming curse words of ancient times, which the Suspicious Keine suspiciously recognizes, as soon as poor, dear Mokou forcefully flies over the Human Village.

And so, another peaceful moment in Gensokyo comes and goes, while, for some unknown reason, Koishi is now staring straight into your soul.


Meanwhile, somewhere over the skies, poor Iku Nagae, and Hatate Himekaidou fly for their lives (the tengu helping the slow oarfish), away from a strange red, yellow and orange ship made from some sort of gummy material, and that has a pretty pointy tip.

"Can't you, like, go any faster?" rapidly asks the tengu girl.

The dragon messenger whines as she shakes her head, and says "I'm sorry, it's just my thing! I can't be faster than that!"

The crow girl groans silently, then feels something poke her back.

Both girls look behind themselves, scream while their eyes bulge out, then speed up to get away from the ship, which seems to be chuckling with some sort of digital girl's voice as it retracts its gloved mechanical arm.

The girls are now headed straight toward the Myouren Temple, where Nue is currently hiding out along with Koishi and Kogasa.

The undefined one is currently outside, sighing contently while saying to herself "this is the life. While those idiots keep on playing pirates, we are here in peace and away from any trouble."

"...I'M SO BORED!"

The girl's sudden outburst startles the karakasa youkai on her right to gasp, and after recovering her breath, she casually says "well, Lady Hijiri said you could go back up there any time you liked."

Koishi is already skipping into the building, humming some odd tune to herself, while Nue keeps looking to the sky, and says "oh, seems my boredom just got dealt with! RUN!"

Before long, even Kogasa springs on her feet and runs back inside only a second before the undefined girl shuts the door and traps her skirt.

The glorious ripping sound rings throughout the whole temple, then the light-blue haired girl's screech of shame causes many heads to turn.

Her lilac panties are now on full display, and even with her attempts to cover her front with her umbrella, her backside is perfectly exposed, and quite visible through the upridden undies.

Unlike Koishi and the lesbian youkai around there, Nue is currently more worried about the large ship chasing the two girls that were leading it to the temple.

When some time passes, and she believes its safe, she slightly opens the door and peeks outside.

There is the giant face of a very thin man wearing shaded square glasses with thin frames and a flat cap on the head, who smiles at the girl and says "BEEEEEERRRRRR~"

The girl rapidly shuts the door with an echoing bang and presses her back against it while she pants.

Her face becomes blue, her eyes become distant and disoriented, and even her heart seems to be trying to escape through her small chest.

"QUIET, YOU JERK! I'm still sexy!" demands the nue youkai while looking at nobody in particular and recovering herself.

Koishi giggles and says "so you saw it," but Nue completely ignores her, gulps her beating heart back to her sma-*glare*-her chest, then slowly gets off the door to open it again, saying "Kogasa, you look!"

The adorable, skirtless karakasa looks outside, smiles, coos, and says "my, I got a new skirt."

And just like that, a skirt flies inside the room through the small crack on the door and wraps itself around the girl, making her giggle cutely, and causing many of the youkai to blow blood out of their noses and faint.

"NO WAY," shouts the undefined one. "There was a huge head out there asking for beer! Grrr~ WHAT THE HELL!"

She opens the door, looks outside then the red, yellow and orange ship shoots through the floor, forcing one screaming Nue through the ceiling at full speed.

The undefined youkai catches up with the other girls, and screams "WHAT THE HELL IS THE DEAL WITH THAT SHIP! ?"

Iku quickly whines "it ran over Miss TENSHI!"

Hatate snarls and shouts "I tried my best wind spells, but they just, like, bounced right off!"

Nue lifts her finger as she excitedly says "WAIT! I have an idea!"

She raises a miniature version of her trident, the scene seems to freeze in a red mist, then she swings the trident, which grows with every swing, and shouts "HIJIRI," swings it diagonally down and shouts "HIJIRI," lifts it above her head, where it grows to its normal size, and shouts "HIJIRI! HOOOOOOOOOOO~!"

A red beam with a black lotus symbol appears at the tip of the trident, and it expands as it rises to the air, as if following the echo of the girl's voice.

Byakuren falls head-first in front of the sexy youkai girl, crying "I fell down agaaaaaain~", then Mystia flies by, singing "Hi-Ji-Ri- just fell! Chin-chin," at the same rhythm as the theme of some old cartoon show.

Nue looks down toward the falling monk and screams "WHYYYYYYY!", just before that ship flies up her skirt and cannonballs her and the two fleeing girls straight to the ships.

As soon as they are out of sight, the blinds from the ship's cockpit opens up, revealing the smirking Seiga and chibi-neko Ran.

The evil hermit laughs manically and shouts "oh yeah! Taoism, IN! YOUR! FACE!"

The little cat girl nods thrice while humming "HUNHUNHUN", then chibi-neko Damien lifts his head from underneath the control panels, and casually says with that manly suave voice "what a detestable fiend you are."


At that moment, poor Byakuren sobs and cries as she falls to the unforgiving ground, and this time, there's no bushes or lake water to break her fall.

Not that THAT would hurt her, but she still cries as she says "I know it's just one of those days, but it's just so much at once."

At that moment, Budou and Phredia fly to her, the little bat easily catches the monk and holds her princess style, and as they descent softly, the little girl says "don't worry. Phredia's making me strong. We won't fall, now you can relax."

The Youkhrist looks at the little girl, gasps in surprise, and exclaims "little Budou! *Sniffle* Wha-what are you doing here? I thought I was Willie's target for this chapter."

As soon as they land, Ail gaps a comfortable red chair for Byakuren, where the teal-haired bat sets her, and says with a giggle "he-he. You're safe now. No more bad stuff for Miss Nice Lady Byakuren."

Before the Nice Lady asks, Ail offers her some hot green tea in a green mug, and says "it's ok, you're safe now. Willie got his USB back."

The gradient-haired woman stares blankly at the boy, who smiles warmly, and says "you see, when Medicine jumped off the restaurant scene, she fell in the village of some ponies. There, she got kicked around for using poison to feed the needy, while trying to steal dolls."

Budou jumps up and down, excitedly saying "lemme tell the next part!", to which the dense boy just nods to an gestures her to continue.

"So, she then went to some world called Symph*nia, where some half-elves made her queen, just as she started growing liver spots on her back, grew crow's feet... but I don't know how she did that, and her hair fell off."

She giggles, signaling Ail to continue, who says "so she was blasted out of a cannon onto the Sun, but veered left at Venus and crashed on the Moon, where Yorihime and Toyohime spanked the panties out of her, dressed her in the coconut bikini, and tossed her back here. Yukari was quick enough to snag the USB from her whining hands while she was being spanked, and so... well, now you are safe."

After a moment of absorption, the woman smiles and says "so... he had targeted me because that little girl force him to?"

Ail, Budou and Phredia nod, then Byakuren smiles, sighs with relief, then says "oh my Buddha, that's so good to hear. I thought he hated me. Ah, but now I know."

The dense one creates a large blue dome above all their heads, and before the woman asks, Budou says "just look at the ships. The chapter's done, so you know what's coming now."

And so, form a very, VERY safe distance, the trio watch as the Nue-Iku-Hata-cannonball, and the Foul-Mouth-Moko-Fire Bullet collide in mid air, right in the middle of all five large ships in the sky.

The collision creates a thin plasma wave that cuts all the ships in half as though a hot knife through warm butter, and just because I LOVE being mean, powdered sugar falls an all ships just before they EXPLODE in a beautiful display of fireworks.

It is now raining bits of wood, bamboo, demon glass, and whole lots of girls, and most keep crashing against Ail's barrier, which takes it all on as if nothing has happened.

Just before the rain ends, the boy opens the top of the barrier to allow Kyouko and Orange through.

They fall on each side of Byakuren, who yelps in surprise at first, then coos as she wraps her arms around both girls' heads, then asks "ah, how did Willie know I like petting these two so much?"

Just as Ail opens his mouth to speak, the Moriya Shrine explodes, leaving Sanae, Kanako and Suwako on their backs, moaning while trying to figure out exactly what happened.


That night, at Mystia's Unnamed Night Restaurant, the girls sit on their tables, chatting and drinking while they all wait to be served a meal that promises to be unforgettable.

At one of the tables are Remilia, Eirin, Okuu, and Medicine, and all are drinking beer while talking about their hot bodies, and how best to care for them, should they ever want to find a husband.

On the bar are Reimu, Tenshi, Kimi, Kali, Flandre, Orin, and Minamitsu, and all are chatting away and enjoying their drinks, while on the reading tables are Yuyuko, Yukari, Luna, and Ayalina, just to name a few.

And so, after several more minutes, the chibi-nekos, Mystia and Damien all come hauling two large food karts with plates, plates, and more plates of beef curry.

The skilled restaurant attendants zip all over the restaurant with skill and grace, and in just seconds, all the customers have their plates in front of them, steaming, BEGGING to be devoured immediately.

And so, putting the drinks, reading material away, and stopping their chatting, all the girls claps their hands together, and say "ITADAKIMASU!" at the same time, then dig in.

Happy hums are immediately heard all over the restaurant, including those of the employees, whom have also partaken of the delicious looking meal.

After only one minute of enjoying, Kaguya drops her spoon, fans herself, and says "hey, i-isn't it getting a little too hot?"

Ayalina drops her spoon, gulps, her eyes hide under a dark shadow, then she says "oh shit. This... This is-"

Orin suddenly screeches so loud, the ground trembles violently, and after screaming a ball of flame from her mouth and running away from the restaurant, screaming, Yumemi screams "oh my gods, IT'S HOT SAAAAAAAUCE!"

All the girls and the boys, except Reimu, Kimi, Yuyuko, and Tenshi, spring on to their feet, screaming hot flames from their mouths, Flandre screaming "IT'S HOTTER THAN MEEEEEEE!"

At the bar, Reimu pants and fans her mouth a bit, drinks a bit of cold sake, then resumes enjoying her meal contently.

Kimi literally sucks the rest of her plate, reaches for the ones Flandre, Orin, and Minamitsu left, sucks them all clean, then declares "SO ALIVE! Oh my SCALES, this is such a WONDERFUL MEAL! Better than those tasteless fish!"

She rushes after the rest of the abandoned plates, plowing through the chaos of running girls in order to reach those delectable , abandoned meals.

Meanwhile, Tenshi, whose lips are currently bright red, shivers as she takes the next spoonful to her mouth, chews with effort, and after she swallows, she trembles as she says "th-this was m-made by her. I-I can tell... for the taste. I can take it. I can take it!"

Yuyuko reaches the center tables at the same time as Kimi, yet they each devour separate plates, that is, until they reach the last one.

The dragon's face becomes feral as she smiles and says "sorry, CAPTAIN, but that's MINE!"

They each grab the plate from either side, and with a cynical smile on her intense face, the ghost princess says "don't be sorry yet. I'm still here, and I don't plan on simply handing this over."

Sparks FLY out of the girls' eyes and crash just above the curry, and all of this while ignoring the many girls screaming in pain all over the restaurant.

They pull so hard on the plate, that slips out of the hands and flies to the air, then Kimi launches a punch to Yuyuko's face, but misses when said woman bends back, and slaps that arm away.

The ghost princess throws a kick, but the shadow dragon merely flips backward, jumps up, grabs the plate, but now finds herself running on the desperate peoples' heads, away from the princess, who is doing the same.

Kimi has to throw the plate up again to avoid a slap on the chest, but doing so sets that plate perfectly centered on the ceiling's beams.

The world becomes an 8-bit world, and now the pixilated dragon and ghost are jumping on oddly-moving heads they are using as platforms in order to reach the next set of platforms that go up to the ceiling.

Yuyuko is the first to reach them, but Kimi gains momentum and jumps on her head, using the extra bounce to reach the edge of one of the higher platforms.

The ghost princess snorts, closes her 8-bit eyes, then starts to fly up, passing by the shadow dragon that shakes her fist at her.

And so, the world becomes normal the moment both women reach the ceiling beams, and now find themselves balancing on them.

There it is, the plate, right between them, mere ten steps away from either hungry woman.

Kimi grins, moves rapidly forward, while Yuyuko covers her mouth with her fan and casually flies toward the delicious meal.

They both reach it at the same time, and the dragon throws a kick the ghost blocks with a surprisingly well-placed arm block.

The stunned orange-haired girl has her foot caught by the pink-haired black hole's hands, and is spun in place several times by the giggling woman.

Kimi lands gracefully on her other foot, smiles, then throws a kick at Yuyuko's face.

The princess dodges with ease, then both girls slip from the narrow wooden platform, and find each other hanging from the beams.

Rumia flies by, looks at the plate, asks "is that so~?", then proceeds to eat it all in one quick gulp.

Both dragon and ghost whine as they watch their delicious meal get eaten by someone else, but feel some form of satisfaction when the blonde's lips quickly turn a bit reddish, and she asks "is this hot?"

Meanwhile, inside the kitchen, that familiar, sinister giggle rings all over the walls as the sound of bubbling food being mixed with a metal ladle in a pot waves around.

Her glowing red pupils shine as she chuckles more sinisterly, then Dark Rika sighs contently, looks at the lovely purple bottle that reads "VOLCANO SAUCE" (written in her own handwriting), and says "this should teach all these ruthless tomboys to behave more like women. If they don't though... Well, I can always apply a little bit more pressure on them."

The pulls the ladle out of the curry mix, sips it and smacks her lips, smiles contently, and says "what lightweights these people are. I say it needs more than just a drop of the sauce."

That's when she hears the delighted cooing from Reimu as she finishes her meal, the dual spring doors burst open when poor Damien rushes inside to reach the employee's bathroom, and she sees that lovely face smiling so contently, it would make an angel smile along.

In a sudden poof, Dark Rika becomes the angelic Rika again, and her new ahoge pops up like some cartoon flower in spring.

The sweet girl sighs, looks at the sauce on her hand, gasps, then exclaims "oh no, what have I done?"

She grabs her dark sword, and shouts "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! ?"

She rushes out of the kitchen, screaming "Miss Mystia, Ladies, I'm so sorry! I'M SORRY EVERYONE!"

And so, ZUN'S face appears again on the kitchen ceiling, stares at the volcanic curry, then looks toward a specific point, as though staring at someone's soul.

The scene fades to black, then the Suspicious Keine, Reisen, adult Medicine, and Nitori, all appear in the middle of darkness, all wearing coconut bikinis with grass skirts; the Moon Rabbit looking exquisitely embarrassed about it.

Those enviable coconuts clinging so perfectly on those glorious mounds, those wonderful curves and cute belly buttons exposed, those wonderfully silky skins almost fully bare, and those gorgeous legs spreading as the girls prepare themselves, leaves our hearts beating fast as we wonder "how the hell are we still alive after all these fanservices?"

All four start to move their hips perfectly and their arms around so elegantly, then the surprisingly generous-breasted kappa looks to her right at the rabbit, and cheers "come on rabbit girl whom I can't seem to recognize! SMILE! You look WONDERFUL!"

"I don't like this kind of exposure," cries the unknown and embarrassed rabbit.

Medicine grabs the back of Reisen's top, and angrily says "smile, or I'm pulling it off!"

After the light-purple haired forces her smile, the Suspicious Keine stops shaking her gorgeous body just as they all start to sweat, then says "hey, don't be rude to that unknown girl! It's not nice!"

All the girls stop dancing, looks at the silver-haired woman with the blue highlights, then hug each other tight, pressing those sweaty bodies together in fear, as all cry "she's so suspicious!"

The history teacher smiles, a full moon appears in the background, her hair highlights turn green, and right after her vicious smile comes accompanied by those long horns, she sinisterly says "someone wants to get CAVED!"

The scene turns black, and now girls are screaming.


To be continued...

Characters, spell cards and scenarios belong to ZUN -Team Shanghai Alice-

Ail, Kyo, Budou, Phredia, the RKNS, Kimi, Kali and Ayalina, were created by Willie G.R.

Rika Onkamikami was created by Snapshot 2010

Damien was created by Hydroviper

All references belong to their due owners.

Special guests appearance by:

Ryan Randa, from Average Joe in Bullet Hell, a fanfiction written by Magnificent Sasquatch.

Katsura Shinki, from Touhou Chronicles, a fanfiction written by Etherdrone.

MAR 24 2012

Written by

Willie G.R.

With the collaboration from Magnificent Sasquatch and Etherdrone.


A/N:

And so, another 'Almost Pirates' chapter is up. Surprised about the fanfictions references and collaborations? I hope you were. I promised Kogasa some surprises from this chapter. I want to thank them (Etherdrone and Sasquatch) for allowing me the honor of presenting their characters here, and for giving their characters the life they deserve. Seriously, read those two fictions. They are GOOD! They are DEFINITELY worth reading from start to finish (but they haven't ended yet... but you get what I mean). Anyway, just go, read them, enjoy them. Oh, and Snap, thanks for suggesting that epic fight scene at the end. Though small, I think it filled that void in my heart.

Anyways, I think I was far too nice to Medicine after all she put me and Byakuren through. Still... it's not like this is the last Pirate's chapter (will that day ever come?), so I have PLENTY of chances of targeting her. Anyways, I tried to be as random as possible, but at the same time, I think I wasn't as random as only I can be. Still, it's a nice chapter with good fancervice and nice laughs. Oh, and I don't think I'll be picking on Byakuren again anytime soon (other than put her through some random falls off the ship). BTW, ZUN is watching us. He can see into our SOOUUUULLLLSSSSSSS! Until next time!

Oh, and before I forget (even though he'll NEVER read this)! Congratulations on your wedding, ZUN! May your married life be blessed, and your Touhou girls be forever loved!