A/N: This is the first time I use First Person Point of View. Please be kind enough to tell me how I did. Uhh... you can ignore the self insert if you want, ze. (But really, about that First Person PoV...)

Minamitsu's cabin is quite dark, humid and cold during the evenings. It's the perfect place for a ship ghost like her to sleep in; but not this night.

An annoyingly bright light shines on her face, waking her up from a nice dream where manly, burly sailors with sweaty muscles were tending to her every whim.

She, understandably, wakes up feeling extremely irritated, and so she shouts "who. the FUCK. woke me up! You better have a damned good reason t-"

Her words are cut short when she realizes the source of her discomfort is a stupid star the size of her head floating just above her head, and so her irritation gives way to curiosity.

Naturally, the first thing she does is touch the star. She giggles when a tickling sensation takes her hand.

Her face suddenly turns dark and vile; she grabs the star and threatens to throw it straight at the wall. "No, no, wait young lady," pleas the star with a soft and elderly male voice. "I am sorry to have woken you, but I am here to grant you your dream."

Murasa's face changes completely as lustful desires for a certain kappa girl in tight swimsuits takes her senses and makes her bush. She's even drooling.

She mutters the name "Nitori," and the star continues "that's right. You will now feel like a man does whenever he gets hit in the groin."

Minamitsu's eyes hide under a shadow as her lust is replaced by heavy disappointment and disgusting disgust, and in a flat, cold and dark tone of voice she asks "what? Could you run that by me again?"

The captured star jingles with excitement and repeats "you will feel like a man does whenever you are hit in the groin; for a whole day! Aren't you happy?"

Hot and sad tears of depression roll down the girl's face as she meekly mutters "not Nitori? No swimsuit? No lovely kappa-rub where it counts?"

"Err... Miss, could you let me go now?" The star, unaware of the seriously deep shit it's in, remains relaxed while in the Captain's grip.

The girl winds her arm back as far as she can; and then some; then swings it with all her might.

The star's bloody scream and sudden death gurgle is the last that's heard of it after shattering to billions of pieces against the room's cold walls, then Minamitsu huffs and pants while rage boils within her chest.

She pulls a vacuum out of her pink panties, sucks the remnants of the star, puts all those pieces inside a glass bottle she then places neatly next to her bed, wraps it up in brown paper that looks like it's been used to wipe questionable things, then screams as she lifts her fists to the ceiling "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU~."

Everybody in the ship wakes up to the raging roar of the enraged spirit, though none is aware of the wonderfully horrible happenings that have taken place at the captain's quarters.

Murasa is, once more, taking deep breaths to calm her rage, then holds her forehead while speaking to herself. "Okay; alright... it's not that bad Minamitsu. I just have to make sure nothing hits me there and it'll all be just fine."

She takes one step toward her bed and a lose board flies straight to that honey pot between her legs. She grunts upon impact, whimpers as she drops on the ground, whines like a dog while holding her nethers, and cries in pain while trembling violently.

She gags when trying to breathe, chokes when she tries to speak, and any move she makes sends powerful jolts of pain from her groin to her brain, arms, legs and back.

She fights against the pain to climb on to her bed, grabs the bottle with the star dust in it, shakes it violently while grunting "you damned piece of shit," then the throws the bottle against the wall. It does NOT break.

The captain manages to lie face up; even though moving her legs feels like murder; takes a deep breath of relief after the pain subsides, then whimpers "Kyo was right. This isn't funny at all."

The bottle falls from the ceiling and smashes her right in the sweet spot between her legs, and all she can do is curl up and whimper while her face turns orangey red.

?'s PoV

It's dark; so very dark. My room wasn't this dark earlier. What's happening?

I can feel myself take a deep breath for fresh air; for recovery; but the first thing that greets me is the scent of sulfur and iron, mixed with rust and some other form of unpleasant scent that offends my every taken breath.

Curse my need to breathe, I think as I open my eyes. I find myself inside a cramped room full to the brim with bookshelves and books; books, books and more books on books. Where hell am I?

Before I continue, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Willie G.R., and I am a plump, unfit guy in his thirties (forever alone), with messy wavy black hair that grows like vines. My attire, you ask? Well, I am currently wearing a dirty green t-shirt with a small hole on the right armpit, bright red shorts, and black rubber sandals.

I wish I had worn my long black (sorta plastic) exercise pants. At least I wouldn't feel so exposed and vulnerable.

So, now that introductions are out of the way, let me tell you where I find myself in.

Now, if memory serves me right, I am in Gensokyo. Making matters worse, I am in MY version of Gensokyo (my Sukimaverse if you will), and to make matters EVEN WORSE, I am inside the small lab/library at the Scarlet Demon Ark. I... am in deep, sticky green shit.

Now, I could easily blame Yukari for my being here (as cliché as that is), but no, that sexy blonde had nothing to do with my being here. It's far worse than that for me.

I was brought here via (what I suspect) magic summoning by non-other than Patchouli Knowledge herself. "But why? Why summon me?"

That... gorgeously lovely magician is looking at me with those unfriendly, yet admittedly cute eyes and she says to me "that outfit is disgusting. And why are your legs so hairy. Ugh! Men."

With disgust, she reaches into a magical circle (the one I figure was used to get me here), rummages around, then pulls out my desired pair of pants and grey/blue (cheap brand) tennis shoes with white socks, and then tells me "here, put these on so we don't have to look at those hairy things."

That lovely, LOVELY glare is frightening, so I silently obey her command and put on my socks, then the pants, then the shoes. I toss the sandals back into the magical circle just before it closes up.

With that out of the way, I suddenly realize there's someone else in the room, and her eyes... oh those yellow eyes are looking at me with such hatred, I just know this will be more than just 'bad' for me.

That twin-tailed blonde grinning darkly at me, Chiyuri Kitashirakawa, seems to be looking for my blood, and by the looks of it, she thinks she's got it.

"Now then, since you figured out what happened this should be easier," begins the gorgeous Patchouli, hiding her face in that cute hood. I wanna pinch her cheeks. "The reason for your summoning is merely a contract forged with this girl, so further questions will be directed to her."

"Willie G.R., we meet at last." Chiyuri speaks with such joy in her voice it's just wrong to assume she's got evil intents... however, those assumptions would be correct. She plans to kill me, though I only suspect this at the time.

She walks toward me, slowly, moving her hips around as she speaks. "Now then, I know the past few chapters have been merciful to me, but did you really think that after calling me a boy so many times, abuse my self confidence just because I was flat-chested; um, thanks for the new boobs by the way; and put me in so many painful, stressful, pleasurable, draining, and humiliating situations, that I would let you live if I had the chance to get you?"

Oh my God. As she walks to me (AND shakes her boobs when talking about them), I notice that sexy sway of her hips, that alluring shape of her buns and thighs, and; because of the boobs I gave her; how her shirt lifts over her cute belly which it just CAN'T cover up.

I somehow manage to avoid drooling, but I am betting my ass my face must be red by now. She points at me and continues...

"WRONG Willieeeee! Now that you're here, it is time I exact my revenge on you, starting by shooting your precious family jewels off!"

As she says this, she pulls out a gun from her sexy pants (looks like something out of The Jetson's) and points it between my legs. There's only one thing a pathetic excuse of a man like me can do at a time like this.

I panic and curl up into a ball while I close my eyes and imagine a washtub falling on her head and knocking her out for me; and after a loud clang and a disturbing thud, I open my eyes and uncurl myself.

To my (sort of) surprise, Chiyuri lies unconscious on the floor with a goofy look on her face as the iron washtub I thought of rolls to her side and stays there. It disappears shortly after.

I grin at her misfortune, chuckle as I feel the urge of mischief rise from my chest to my head, and proceed to approach her.

I bend my knees and start poking her face while speaking playfully. "Looks like this is going to be fun for me, Chiyuri-chan~"

She groans and manages to lift her head to me just to say "curse you, you fat bastard."

I poke her harder after such an insult... although I am fat. I just don't want to hear that from her.

A silver washtub falls on my head, and now my face is level with hers. She's cute, she wants me dead, and now my head hurts. I really am in thick and sticky green shit.

A dark ball floats in the sky and asks "is that so~?"

3rd Person PoV:

Meanwhile, at an unknown location, Chen has discovered a field of cattails and pussy willows so vast that it looks like a lake of whites, browns and purples.

The nekomata is thrilled, overjoyed, ecstatic and overexcited as she runs straight toward this field, ready to tear down a few cattails, claw many of the fuzzy and bumpy pussy willows, and do other things to the terrain that will probably destroy or ruin it one way or another.

She giggles with glee when only a few feet away from her destination, and that's when a big lummox gets in her way. "STOP!"

Kyo stands tall and true between Chen and the large field of fun with his hand raised and signaling 'stop', and so, naturally, the cute and adorable girl stretches her claws, bares her fangs, and growls at the muscled boy. "Get out of my way human or I'll feast on your soul!"

"No Chen," begins the boy, speaking as though lives may be at stake. "Those pussy willows are evil! They will DESTROY YOU in a minute!"

Chen scoffs at the idea, and being the proud youkai she is she walks past the boy while confidently saying "you're just being overly dramatic. I'll show you how it's-"

Kyo holds her by the shoulder and points at the field, then says "look. Look very carefully."

When she takes a good, hard and long look; and totally ignoring the innuendo I just did there; she notices the cattails are no longer there, and that now there are fluffier pussy willows swaying with the wind, and one Tewi Inaba.

"What's the mea-?" Before her question takes full form her face turns purple almost as soon as Tewi starts screaming.

The bloody, gory, horrifying screams of horror and pain make her want to cover her ears, but the cold fear taking her body prevents her from moving a single muscle, and so her face turns from purple to purplish green while she witnesses the unseen awesome carnage of total destruction that's befallen on a youkai rabbit.

As soon as the screams end, a wave of red liquid splashes near their feet, and in her search for comfort Chen looks to the boy and asks almost in tears "Mister Kyo, what the heck just hap-EH!?"

The boy is looking towards the field where Tewi was with smile so malevolently dark and viciously bloodthirsty, Chen wonders if she's stepped into one of Yukari's gaps going into another dimension.

Kyo chuckles while patting the nekomata on the head, then, still smiling so darkly at the field, he says "heh-heh; stupid rabbit."

Chen screams and tears rush out her eyes, then she runs as fast as her feet will allow her; kicking a rock sky high in the process; and thus she's now out of harm's way.

One bloody Tewi walks out of the large field and is using her arms and hands to cover her bare chest and groin, and she gives Kaizo a disgusting dirty glower while darkly saying "you won this round asshole, but next time it won't be so easy."

Though she's naked, she hands over a wad of paper money from out of nowhere to the very happy boy, who speaks while flipping the cash with his thumb. "Pleasure doin' business with cha'."

Meanwhile, somewhere in the skies, on the deck of the Palanquin, Minamitsu groans, whimpers and cries in pain while holding on to her groin on the floor. To her left sits one evil little rock that made its way there thanks to the blunt force of a cute scared nekomata.

Willie's PoV:

Well now, I'm not really sure how it happened, but I am now at the Hakurei Shrine, sitting at the veranda next to Reimu, whom seems to be extremely happy about something.

She hasn't said a single word. Man, I screwed up. I can't get help from her this way.

At least Rika is here, and she's been deciphering everything Reimu has 'said' so far, so I guess it's not all that bad. And when the HECK did I take a pussy willow? More importantly, where did it come from!?

Rika approaches me with a mug of green tea for me, bows her head slightly as she hands it over, then says "please enjoy this tea. I made it special. I hope it's to your liking."

Those sweet sky-blue eyes of hers, that radiant angelic smile, that perfect face, those cute wings, those... umm, h-her umm... curves.

I clear my throat to hide my embarrassment and blush, bow and say "thank you very much Miss Rika. I appreciate this."

Jeez, my manners really suck! I should have said 'I appreciate your efforts' instead. Alas, I am not much on mannerisms, so whatever.

I take a sip from the hot tea and immediately take a deep breath to cool my tongue (I have a cat's tongue), and manage to get a taste of the hot liquid.

I smile and let a very loud "MMMM" escape me. The gorgeously adorable angel girl smiles wider when she sees my reaction, then says "well, I'm glad you like it."

She's looking at me with a bit of concern. "Although, I didn't think you were so weak to hot tea. Do you want me to cool it for you?"

I shake my head. Somehow asking her to cool it down will be an insult to her hard work, and so I speak. "N-no, it's alright! It's perfect as it is!"

Reimu taps my shoulder and smiles widely at me. I have to admit her own smile and face can rival Rika's easily, but her chest... I must stop thinking these things. What am I, some kind of sick pervert?

Anyways, as I take the next sip of this DELICIOUS tea, Rika is kind enough to translate Reimu's silence.

"She's saying that she's glad you liked it, and;" she starts to blush "...that it goes to show that the tea m-made by me is the best. Tee-hee. That's really embarrassing to say for myself."

I smile at her as I share the feeling. I am not used to compliments, so getting one makes me feel all bashful and embarrassed and make me want to hide! It appears Rika is the same.

I am going to take another sip of tea when I suddenly feel my stomach turn onto a knot.

The pain is horribly unbearable so I drop the mug on the ground and watch the tea spill on the soil as I hold my stomach with both hands.

I look up at the angelic maid and ask her "what's happening to me? M-my stomach feels horrible!"

The two angels' smiles become sour and dark in an instant, and then Reimu flips a finger at me while Rika speaks. "That's RIGHT My Lady! Willie, this is your punishment for all the horrible things you've put me and Miss Reimu through! Now, we don't hate you, for we understand you wanted to attract attention to your fan fictions, BUT..."

She points an accusing finger at me and loudly says "that does NOT excuse you of all the perverted things, the near-death experiences that just won't stop, AND your terrible grammar!"

Chiyuri jumps out of hiding behind the shrine's doors, cheers loudly as she gives Rika and Reimu a double high-five, then glares at me and says "you see Willie? Everyone here hates your guts a great deal, so if I can't kill you, then SOMEONE ELSE WILL!"

Anger. Why am I feeling anger when these girls have all the right of wanting to spill my guts all over the floor?

Between pain and rage, I seem to lose track of time, and I even fail to realize Rika is now trying to defend my life from the insane and sexy blonde sailor girl and her futuristic gun.

I don't really care... I mean, I wouldn't care if I could hear them. My rage has escalated so much that the pain in my stomach has become distant for me, and I find myself holding the pussy willow with both hands as if it were a weapon.

I swing the fluffy thing around once, twice, thrice, and now Chiyuri is screaming as she flies ten feet away from me.

Rika and Reimu hug each other and tremble in fear, although I know they could just fly and kick my ass ten times before I strike them once.

"Wait, Willie, it was just a prank! Please don't take it so personal! AHH, PLEASE!"

For some reason I can't hear the maid's pleas for forgiveness, and merely swing the pussy willow in front of myself as though I were swinging an awesome Mas*er Sw*rd or something like that.

Rika is the first to be sent off flying to the shrine's red gate, followed promptly by Reimu, and then...

"Eh? M...Miss Rika, Miss Reimu; what happened to you guys!?"

I cannot believe my eyes as I look upon the mentioned girl and take notice of the long red marks on their faces, as if some sort of sword (or perhaps a whip) had hit them; and hard!

I notices Chiyuri has the same marks as well and I call for her, but her response is a flipped finger, and for some reason that reminds me of my stomach.

I hold the painful thing and rush inside the shrine in search of a toilet when a giant round hole opens up below me and... I scream and scream and scream some more as I fall somewhere I cannot see.

"DAMN YOU WILLIE G.R.!" I scream to the air... just before it hit me. "Wait a minute! I AM Willie G.R.! AAAAAHHHHHHH!"

3rd Person PoV:

The S.S. In Your Face Murasa is flying twenty feet above the Human Village's houses, and hovers ominously in front of the sun.

"What is that? It's ghastly;" comments a random brown-haired woman while pointing at the bamboo ship.

"Ugh! Even my grandmother's carpet looks better than that thing;" comments a random man with a ponytail while holding his nose to mock disgust.

An old woman smacks the man with her cane, then says "shut your pie-hole you noob! You wouldn't know what's good even if it sits in front of yas!"

One of the ship's cannons starts firing at a rapid pace, and then several houses get pelted by pussy willows.

"What the fu-?" is what a random, black haired woman shouts before everyone starts screaming their heads off and running around uselessly.

At the ship, Lily White sits on the special seat of a rather exaggerated cannon that keeps firing a shot every second.

She lifts her fist to the air and cheers "GET READY TO LAND MY HERALDS OF SPRING!"

She grabs a handle with red buttons on it and moves it, making the cannon move along, then resumes firing while shouting "it's spring mother********eeeeeeerrrrrrsss!"

The pussy willows break down walls, knock out doors, crack roofs, and shatter windows while the villagers can only scream and run around in circles like idiots.

After that, while Lily shoots the other side of the village, Yumemi, Renko, Maribel, Sakuya and Sanae; whom wear bunny-girl leotards and fairy wings, AND are accompanied by several other bunny-girl fairies; descend and quickly run toward the nearest houses.

It is safe to say that, by the looks on their faces, that most of them are very displeased, and would like nothing more than to murder someone. Regardless, they move quickly into each house.

Yumemi enters the first house, pulls a beautiful spring-flowers arrangement from her cleavage, places it on the table, then cries "it's spring. Spread the word... PLEASE KILL ME!"

The huddled couple just stares at her, so she sighs irritably and moves on to the next house.

Sanae does the same as Yumemi in the house she's in, though sounds frightened as she says "it's spring! Spread the word or else;" then runs right outside and heads to the next house while trying to cover her beautiful cleavage.

The woman in the house stares at the green and purple flowers on her table, whispers "no. Th-that can't be;" then faints with her arm placed on her forehead. How dramatic.

At the house Maribel is in, the blonde giggles after leaving her flower arrangement and gleefully says "IT'S SPRIIIING! Spread the word! BYE~"

After her enthusiastic retreat, the mother of two looks at the red, green, purple and blue flowers on her table then holds her face while screaming a bloody scream of death and despair as she falls on her knees to the ground. Her children think she's mad.

"No; NO! Get away!" The man screams as he tries to literally merge himself with the wall of his living room while Sakuya places an elegant arrangement of flowers on his table.

She looks at him with murderous eyes, struggles greatly to make a smile so disturbingly evil (instead of being cheerful), and speaks between her teeth "it's spring you bastard. S-spread the word."

She wants nothing more than to dig a hole and bury herself in it for the next 700 years or so, but she opts for walking out of the house, while Eirin is giving the shocked-to-death man mouth-to-mouth resuscitation (that lucky bastard).

Meanwhile, Renko keeps blushing deep red, shaking and sweating while pulling her flower arrangements from a bag, then, almost crying, she says "it's springs," then she sniffles. "Please spread the word."

The young man in the open-chested brown kimono lies on his side with his legs open, and with a suave voice he speaks sweetly to her. "Please, you gorgeous young lady, I do not mind your small chest size. In fact, I admire you for being brave and wear such wonderfully alluring outfit."

Instead of blushing with embarrassment, the girl is now swooning over the young playboy, and thus she walks right to him.

Maribel walks into the room, grabs her by the ear, and angrily says "let's go Miss Voice-of-Reason. He's just going to eat you and throw you away."

The playboy frowns and says "hey! That girl happens to be the type I like, so don't judge me so harshly!"

The venomous look shot from the blonde's bluish-purple eyes makes the young playboy shrink in fear and disappear under his clothes.

And so, these many scenarios play out all through the attack by Lily, whom keeps shooting pussy willows all over the ground and sky while shouting "It's spring! IT'S SPRIIIIIINNNNG! WAHAHAHAHAHA~~~!"

Meanwhile, at the Palanquin, Byakuren rests on the portside (left) rails of the ship while sighing contently, then looks to the sky and says "it's so peaceful."

Minamitsu walks to her with a worried look on her face and says "Lady Byakuren, please get off those rails. You know you f-GUH!

A pussy willow hits the captain right between her legs with enough force to break a hole in her pants.

Her entire body turns red and veins pulsate all over her arms, legs and face as she drops on her knees and chokes on her groans and whimpers of immeasurable pain while holding that tender area.

While this happens, Byakuren cries from the side "help, I'm falliiiiiing!"

Willie's PoV:

So, after successfully managing to hold it in until I found a toilet (don't ask me how), I met Satori, and boy let me tell you... it was fun.

True, she had a few beefs to pick with me, but we settled it out peacefully and ended up understanding each other a lot.

"You liar," says Satori while pointing at me. "I almost killed you there. Still, I guess we did get to understand each other. Hmph."

Well, I was trying to make it all seem less violent, but then, this gash on my left arm currently covered by this bloody bandage would have been rather difficult to explain. I'm sorry.

"It's alright," begins the cute mind reader before waving her hand dismissively at me. Aww, look how cute! She's blushing from my calling her cute!

"Quit it! Anyways, these children will see you out. Don't let the oni kidnap you~"

After all of that is said I find myself being lifted off the ground by the chibi nekos Yumemi, Ran, Damien, and Miko, and they're doing this 'hup-hup-hup' thing while carrying me. What the fuck kind of world have I created? I LOVE IT!

"DON'T SCREAM WHEN YOU THINK, IDIOT!" Satori... is obviously not pleased with my mental screaming, even though it's for a good reason. Oh well.

"Ugh! PLEASE, just get yourself a real girlfriend and let us live in peace!" She seems very anxious as she tells me this. Am I really that much of an asshole?

Anyways, you'll be glad to know I am outside now. It took the hup-hupping little nekos 13 minutes to get me out of there; keeping me away from Yuugi and her sake, and Parsee and her jealousy, and for that I give each a can of sardines.

"ANYAAAANNN~" exclaims chibi neko Yumemi, while chibi neko Ran gives me a silent thumbs up before they all leave. Such polite nekos.

And just like that I'm lying face down on the ground with something heavy and uncomfortable on my back. I swear it has shoes, or those are some really weird talons!

"So Willie, you thought a random hole would save you from me? Wrong again. I'M HERE!"

I sigh. I have Chiyuri sitting on my back and she's repeatedly tapping my spine with her shoe... and the tapping keeps getting harder. She asked for it.

"Is that so~?" asks the little blob of darkness behind the trees.

"A washtub fell on you!" Since my voice is coming all muffled, she asks "what?" before a silver washtub falls on her head and makes this lovely, satisfying clang sound when it hits her head.

And she falls on her right, thus making the washtub's side to drop on my head and make me see stars while the back of my head throbs and beats like a heart.

As I hold my head I roll on to the side and knock the girl off of me while I shiver in pain same as her.

"Y-you and those s-stupid... washtubs," she says to me as she tries to recover from the blow.

Once we both recover at the same time we glare at each other, stand, and then she walks over, takes my right arm, wraps her left arm around it, then points forward and say "now go! Lead me out of these woods so I can take you to my ship and punish you!"

This is all kinds of awkward, but I really shouldn't give it much thought. I guess I'll walk around and see where I lead us. By then she'll probably have forgotten about my punishment, or something weird will happen.

"Fine, but if anybody asks: I'm blind and you're just helping me keep my balance." After I say this, she gives me this funny look which makes me believe she's thinking "what the hell did he just say?"

I would think that too if someone told me that, but it's the best I could come up with in such short notice.

Not two minutes have passed after we start our walk when we come across Hina, who spins on the tip of her right foot while humming her own theme as she collects misfortunes. I can actually see the dark energy gathering around and inside her.

Chiyuri and I look at each other, and although I would LOVE to meet Hina, the fear in this cute blonde's eyes makes me think otherwise, but what she whispers to me next is what stops me from going to the spinning goddess. "She's been gathering for a while. At least that's how it looks like. Let's go around before she spots us."

I decide to comply without any kind of resistance, and right there; right when we take the first step away, Hina happily coos and says "oh my, what an adorable couple! Oh, but you two are so full of so much misfortune!"

She is now flying right in front of us and wearing such a sweet smile; I feel like melting.

Chiyuri obviously doesn't feel the same way. She snarls as she glares at the cute goddess, then exclaims "hey, don't get any funny ideas! He's just blind so I'm helping him keep his balance!"

And she actually said it!

Hina looks at us like she's thinking "what the heck?" and then she suddenly coos and says "aww, you're just a couple of tsunderes, aren't you? Don't worry, I won't tell a soul you're together."

Before either one of us can complain (seriously, I want to clear this up), the goddess of misfortunes stands in front of us and holds each by a shoulder, then says "now hold still while I take this misfortune from you."

"Are you sure? Hina, my stuff is pretty rough." I give her a very worried look while speaking.

She merely chuckles at me and says "don't you start worrying about me Willie, I can take it. And don't give me that look; we all know who you are. We all have internet with external access, regardless of how things may seem here in Gensokyo."

After saying all of that, she taps both our heads, and then starts spinning in place; and OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THAT! The cloud of misfortune coming out of Chiyuri is dark purple, but mine... it's black. WHAT THE FUCK?

She stops her spin and I immediately notice something odd; she looks as though she's high; or perhaps drunk.

And true enough, her speech is slurred and clumsy. "W-whell... ush can hank me l-hater. I, uh..."

She suddenly stops, sobs, then says "oh, whatsh the use. It ish all for no-hing! I'll be al-lone be-because it's not fair!"

Ok, I have to admit, I feel lighter, a little more optimistic, and even healthier, but seeing Hina like this gives me a sense of guilt.

Before I can try and comfort the goddess Chiyuri cheerfully says "no, no, if you touch her now you could die. Now come on Willie, let's get out of this forest!"

"Chiyuri?" is all I can say before the cute blonde starts skipping and singing her merry way to the wood's exit with my arm still trapped by hers.

I don't mind, seeing as there's a cute and happy girl pulling on my arm like that, but I wonder if the effects of the cleansing have a time limit or something. Should I be worried?

3rd person PoV:

Meanwhile, the Palanquin is under attack by pussy willow-wielding buccaneer fairies and humans who want the honey, and they are not leaving without it.

Byakuren walks over to Cirno, throws a blanket on the floor, serves the tea and sweetly calls "come and get some dear fairy."

She notices the doubt on the ice fairy's face, so she serves herself some tea, drinks it, then smiles sweetly while saying "see, it's really good. Here, have some."

Cirno sighs with relief and kneels in front of the saint, takes some tea and a bit of cake, and says "wow, you're really nice. I'm glad. I didn't want to fight anyways. I'm not feeling so good."

She eats a bit of cake, sips a bit of tea, and drops like lead on the mantle.

Byakuren chuckles sweetly and says "bitch goes down;" and while she wraps her victim in the sheets she says "you really should have been more careful of the icing sweetie. I'm immune to the kind of sleeping powder used to make it~."

At the other side of the ship, Minamitsu uses her ladle to defend herself form Lily White and her pussy willow.

The fairy swings sideways and the ship ghost blocks with the ladle, then she jumps and holds her wooden weapon with both hands as she comes down at full force.

Lily twirls left and slaps the captain on the face, then swings her pussy willow at her opponent's mid section, but Minamitsu pushes her hips back while tucking her stomach in to avoid the attack.

The fairy swings again and manages to take the weapon off of the black haired girl's hand, so Minamitsu hops back, grabs a Shou (who immediately complains), and swings with the mighty force of the gods. She hits Daiyousei on the head.

After the successful distraction the captain runs over to get her weapon back and strikes a few fairies on the head with it, turning them to magical seeds that turn into flowers the second they touch the ground.

Lily growls, spits to her right; causing an explosion that blows Mamizou and Nazrin to the sky; then roars as she charges toward Minamitsu.

The captain throws a punch that's sure to connect with the fairy's face, but the sneaky bitch ducks and punches down below, however she misses the mark and hits the captain's stomach.

Minamitsu gulps and stares in shock and surprise, but recovers quickly enough to kick Lily on the stomach and send her away from that weak spot, then shouts "this has gone LONG ENOUGH!"

She takes a spell card and declares "Harbor Sign, Ghost Ship's Port," and seconds later there are several anchors flying all over the sky and crashing against everything and anyone that gets in their way while trailing dangerous water bullets behind them.

Girls, fairies and The Cloud scream out loud as the anchors and bullets do their painful job, and then the spell card times out and Murasa sighs with satisfaction before dusting her hands and saying "a job well done, mates!"

While she admires the mess she made, Lily White stands between the knocked out bodies of Byakuren and Nue, and while staring darkly at the captain she hisses "you missed."

A little black ball flies erratically in the air while asking "is that so~?" It explodes without any kind of reason to do so. It just explodes.

Minamitsu and Lily charge at each other then clash ladle and pussy willow to their left, then above their heads, then their right, then they push each other back when trying to swing again but end up stumbling backward, and then they rush forward again.

They are now face to face while pushing each other back with their respective weapons, thunder strikes, lightning illuminates the already-sunny skies, and for some reason there is a fairy selling ointment on the ship.

The girls push each other back one more time and immediately charge at each other, but this time the captain claws her right hand and strikes with it instead of her ladle.

She tickles Lily's armpit until said fairy is nothing but a laughing blob on the floor, but it doesn't end there! The Captain removes her opponent's shoes and tickles her toes, then pokes her neck and napes, until finally the fairy manages to raise the white flag between twitches and laughs.

Minutes later, Minamitsu and the bandaged Byakuren are overseeing the fairies as they fly off their ship, and once they are all gone the captain happily says "and next time you try to take our honey you better bring more backup!"

The monk woman merely giggles to hide her slight annoyance over having lost her ice fairy after being crushed by a giant anchor, and then just walks away toward Shou, who's curled up in a corner while shivering uncontrollably. (Well she WAS used like a club.)

The captain notices one of the pussy willows used against them is on the floor and gets curious about it, so she picks it up. She explores it carefully, swings it around lightly, then tosses it behind herself and shrugs while saying "eh; looks normal to me."

The pussy willow knocks Byakuren on the back of the head and forces her to fall head-first on Shou's forehead. This ends up with those two unconsciously kissing. What a shame.

After hearing the yelp and groan the captain turns around and gets struck between the legs by the returning pussy willow; which bounces off her and continues spinning its merry way somewhere off the ship.

Minamitsu lies on her sides while groaning and gagging on her own breath while holding the sweet spot between her legs and trembling in horrible pain. The hard-working Nazrin is not amused.

Later that afternoon, Shinki and her small leotard-wearing (and very sexy) group of Mai, Sara and Luize are exploring a dark dungeon for gold and jewels.

Said dungeon is actually an abandoned and forgotten castle from the outside world that's got vines growing out of its bedrooms and several other types of greenies that seem to have taken over the place.

The girls are currently on the top floors, and have already found golden bracelets, a few loose jewels, some rolls of paper towel, the very first copy of the first N*ntendo P*wer ever printed, and some Twinkies.

Mai yelps, jumps and holds her butt as she run behind Shinki, and then exclaims "something touched me!"

The girls look back the dark corridor they are in (though for their eyes is bright enough), and then Luize chuckles and says "maybe you just need to eat something. Here, I brought some sandwiches."

The winged ice witch snaps and shouts "I am not hungry you idiot. Something slithery, long and slimy touched my butt!"

Sara chuckles before taking a bite off her sandwich, and after a quick and un-delicate swallow of food she says "who knew the great Mai would be afraid of the dark now."

Before the winged girl can bark back, Luize starts screaming when her sandwich starts biting her face and head.

She grabs her confused lunch and cries "who knew Yuki's hot sauce was this powerful!"

Shinki chuckles, seemingly confused, and asks "you used Yuki's hot sauce? She puts that **** on everything."

The girls stare at their goddess and wonder where that reference came from, but disregard it and start to eat their lunches before those sandwiches eat THEM.

Her three daughters yelp and Shinki twists, twirls and sways in place while extending her arms and moving them around to block, cut, and deflect some unseen threat.

After the attacks on her stop she looks toward the back, deeper into the darkness, and says "well, well, I was wondering when you were going to make your move... Yuka Kazami!"

The lamps at the corridor light up to reveal the large dance floor (of DOOM), and at the center of the room is the beautiful, yet terrifying flower youkai with a dark smile on her cute face.

She sits on a throne of white roses (which look quite comfortable) as she coos in a welcoming manner, and says "well, well, Goddess Shinki and her Leotard Babe Squad. What brings you to this old abandoned castle?"

The Goddess of Makai stands firm, points at the flower master, and says "first release my girls; then we shall talk."

Yuka shrugs with a small grin on her face, and then her vines gently drop the three girls on their feet around their leader.

"Ah! My sandwich," cries Luize after a sneaky white flower on her vine takes her lunch for itself. The cute blonde is now crouching next to her sister and drawing imaginary lines on the hard floor with her finger while pouting every so adorably.

With her girls safe around her, Shinki smiles, claps her hands softly in front of her chest, and smiles very dearly towards the flower youkai when saying "thank you. As why we are here; well we're just exploring and looking for some booty."

Everyone except Shinki herself (and the pouting Luize) blush while looking around uncomfortably, then Sara whispers "Lady Shinki, aren't we looking for treasure?"

The goddess looks curiously at her daughter and says "that's what I said, but I said it more piratey. 'We're looking for some booty, yar!' Doesn't that sound more like pirates?"

Yuka punches the armrest of her throne and breaks a few flowers in the process, and angrily says "you disgusting perverts! And here I was about to share my loot with you! Screw it; there's no way I'm letting these perverts here leave without just punishment!"

Thorny vines slither out of the dark ceiling and surround the girls, forcing them to huddle together in fear (while Luize is still sulking about her sandwich), when Yuka screams in agonizing pain and all the vines drop to the ground as though dead.

The flower master screams "HYAAAAAAA! Get it off, GET IT OFF! HAAAAAUUUUUUU" as the killer sandwich takes a bite out of her gorgeous butt and perfect chest.

Yuka tries shooting at it, but the thing is so small and nimble it's like shooting smoke. "What the hell IS in that little shit anyway!?" She grunts when she finds herself on her back on the floor while wrestling the evil lunch away from her face.

Luize stands up at last and starts to count with her fingers while saying "well there's Makai ham, Makai cheese, Makai grape tomatoes; dried with our evil ovens; and Yuki's homemade hot sauce."

Yuka is now groaning and moaning pleasurably while Shinki smiles as she quickly adds "she puts that **** on everything!"

The flower master is gasping repeatedly until she suddenly screams. Meanwhile the leotard-clad girls stare at their mother, then Mai says "no offense Lady Shinki, but you're acting a little silly today." She rapidly thinks "more like stupid, but I won't say that to my mom..."

The Makaian goddess flaps her hand around to calm her girls down, then says "come on girls, enough of that. Let's just help Miss Yuka and put an end to our misunderstand-ing?"

Yuka and the sandwich lie buck-naked under the futon sheets, and each is smoking a lollipop while tossing away some dirty tissues. She looks at the disgusted girls and asks "what? Don't tell me you never had s*x before?"

A wave of raging water rushes over the Makaian girls, making their clothes transparent, however you cannot even imagine it because there's a big red curtain covering them up and only allowing those that paid the R-18 fee to see.

Rumia walks by. She's covered in bandages and burn marks, but she's still smiling. She looks straight forward, smiles, and asks "is that hentai~?"

Willie's PoV:

So, last time you saw me, Chiyuri and I were facing the 7-headed dragon of the Sanzu River's Cursed Ride. Ever since then she and I have come to an understanding, but even so she insists that I must pay for what I have done to her in the past.

Since I have no money, she's taken me to her ship and locked me up in the brig, where flowers are blooming everywhere, and where Bunny Girl Sakuya is staring darkly at me while holding some knives between her fingers.

Oh my goodness that perfect face, those gorgeous blue; er, I mean now-red glowing eyes, that elegant pose and curvy body, those LEGS! I know, I know, I'm in deep shit right now, and I shouldn't be this perverted about it, but MAN, that maid is just so gorgeous!

AHEM! So anyways, as she glares at me so darkly she pokes the handle of her knives while saying "so, you're finally trapped. You know how embarrassing it's been for me? Do you have any idea how sick I feel of being forced to wear this embarrassing outfit out in public, just so you and your readers can have a good laugh and enjoy my figure at my expense? I should slit your throat right here and now."

I gulp for two reasons. One, this Beautiful Flower of the Moon has gotten closer and so I can admire her features even more (cleavage peek); and I'm blushing. Two, because she's got her knives on hand and it looks like she's going to take advantage of the fact that I'm in this tiny cell where I can't move and nobody can hear me scream.

Her face suddenly intensifies and then she starts screaming at me "you PERVERT! I'm here threatening to end you life and you're just thinking lewd things about my body! You just want to do nasty things to me, even though I am going to kill you! I HATE YOU!"

I frown. She's half right about one thing, but I have to set things straight! "Hey, stop calling me a pervert and putting strange things in my mind! Okay, I'll admit I find you extremely attractive, but I'm not thinking anything too lewd; I'm just hoping whatever torture you have planned for me ends quickly!"

She frowns! She didn't believe me! She grabs me by the neck of my shirt and pulls me so hard I think she's trying to crush me by pulling me between those bars. She glares into my eyes for a moment and then says to me "don't! lie! to me! Perverts like you sicken me! Always playing innocent when all you are truly wanting is to ravage a woman and make her feel good and make her addicted to you! You sick bastard!"

At this point I get mad, and somehow I find myself striking the maid on the head with a purple pussy willow (where the fuck did it come from?) While she's crouching on the floor and holding her head I speak firmly. "Now you listen and you listen good; yes, it's true what you say, but I don't act on those thoughts or give in to instinct! I have good self control and I am a good guy, and right now my main concern is on how to get the hell out of here alive and without going through pain!"

She looks up to me and our eyes connect. For some reason I can't feel the knife she's thrown on my head and thigh while I stare back at her and eventually reach an understanding. Phew! Thank goodness.

Meanwhile, a tiny white flower flutters its way to the keyhole of my cell door, and the thing explodes with so much force I am thrown off my feet and I can feel my back breaking through the hard bamboo walls.

The pain is painfully horrible but I can't move, and what's worse, now I'm over the clouds as I wait for the timely-gravity effect to take place.

"WAAAAHHHH-OOF!" I have fallen back on to the S.S. In Your Face Murasa's deck, and while I rub my horribly sore back I can hear Chiyuri giving commands through the intercom. "WILLIIIIIEEEEEE! Girls, the fat idiot has escaped! Find him, beat him up, and get him to my bed-err, to my room... Oh, JUST GET HIM!"

Oh, I don't know what she means by "her room", but I'm not sticking around to find out; I'm OUTTA HERE!

And so I jump off the starboard (right) side of the ship and land on the deck of the ship. "Damn it all, what the HELL kind of world have I created?"

Yumemi, Maribel and Adult Flandre (wait, what?) burst out the cabins' door and the redhead immediately points at me as a red exclamation mark appears above her head, and shouts "take him alive! Chiyuri wants to use the happy stick on him!"

I cry and whimper as I run to the bow in hopes of finding some sort of escape, but I quickly learn a very valuable lesson: There really isn't much room to run or places to hide when on a ship in the middle of the sky.

I am now on the floor and pushing myself away from the evil girls that surround me and want nothing more than to punch new holes in my body with their pussy willows.

Adult Flandre sighs and says to me "I'm sorry Willie, it's nothing personal, but I'll have to make you hurt a lot."

I smile and chuckles softly at them as I pull a grey remote with a green and red buttons on the front, I place my thumb on the blue button that I didn't mention, and say "funny, because this isn't personal either girls. Just saving my butt from whatever she's dreaming about me."

And so I push the button. The ship's engine explodes and this sucky vessel falls straight down; but it's not over.

The moments I'm safely on the ground (don't ask how I got there so fast) the engine on the Palanquin crackles as the magic electricity shorts out, and then it explodes with such force that the Unnamed Ghost Ship is caught in the blast and is sent flying straight against the S.S. Glass Leotard.

I watch with great satisfaction as the ships fall down, and then to my left I hear Shikieiki (who wears a beautifully elegant blue kimono) say to me "Willie, you do realize your final judgment will befall on me now, right?"

I gulp loudly and then nod to her statement, so she continues "good. That means you will make sure to grant me more perks in this insane world you have created, correct?"

Again I nod. I am too afraid to face her so all this time I keep looking forward as stiffly as a wooden board.

She won't have that and stands in front of me, making me relax at the sight of her pretty face (those blue eyes and soft smile), and then says to me "that is good. Oh and please make sure Komachi's swimsuits and leotards are a little tighter. I want to explore every detail of her body. Can you do that for me?"

I blush at the thought of that beautiful shinigami in tight clothes and nod to her requests, and then I somehow manage to speak softly to her. "I can do those things. So, um, you won't punish me or lecture me?"

She pats me on the head twice and says to me "nah, you've had more than enough for today; though I will ask that you take these lessons learned here today and apply them to your everyday life. Maybe that way your sentence won't be as sever."

I shake a bit at the thought of a sever sentence in hell, and then Mystia's Unnamed Restaurant explodes with such violence and force that the ground shakes, some houses at the Human Village collapse, and the pussy willows that fly to the air spread far and wide, breaking a few holes on the Great Barrier.

As we observe this scene in silence (Shikieiki and me I mean), we watch as Chiyuri falls on her back on the ground with her knee lifted, and how Minamitsu falls in such a manner that her groin connects with the raised leg. I can't help but grimace at the sight.

I sigh. After all it is my fault this happened, so I walk over to The Captain, offer some comforting words and coos, and then she punches me in the face and knocks me out.

I wake up back at Patchouli's small lab/library at the Scarlet Demon Ark. The atmosphere seems less tense than last time I was in here.

"Ah, you're awake." I can hear her sweet voice talking as though she's calm, relaxed and friendly. Uhh... am I really still in that crazy Gensokyo?

She's right in top of me, looking down with those pretty, yet unfriendly eyes of her as she softly says "I can see it in your eyes. You should know that yes, you are still here. I just thought it would be impolite of me to send you back home without first saying goodbye."

I smile at her. Heh, I guess I can cut the charade now, so as soon as I sit up I hold her hand and say to her "well that would be quite rude indeed sweetheart."

She chuckles so fucking cutely I just want to eat her up! She helps me to my feet and leads me to the magic circle that leads straight to my room, and sweetly says "well, here you go. Back home safe and sound."

We look at each other and smile, and then she frowns and grabs the collar of my shirt, pulls me closer, surprising and scaring me a bit, and then we plant one hell of a passionate kiss that sends shockwaves all over the ship.

I chuckle afterwards, hold both her hands, and look at her before I speak, but that's when I notice the epic-shocked face Chiyuri's making. She can barely speak when she says "y-y-you? H-h-h-her!? WHAT THE HELL!? WHAAAAT!?"

I look straight toward her and the reader and grin quite confidently. "Yeah, that's right, me and Patchouli. Got a problem? You jealous? You gonna say something about self-inserts aren't 'cha!? Well I don't care cuz I wrote this!"

We give each other another kiss just to spite the captain wannabe, and then I enter that magic circle leading back home.

But before I am gone Okuu (that cute hell raven is so ADORABLE) whimpers. I turn around to meet her tear-filled face as she asks me "I didn't do good? The explosion ending was bad?"

I gasp. I can't believe I almost forgot! I smile at her, rub her head to comfort her, then I give her some shiny stones and coins and say to her "I'm sorry Okuu, I almost forgot. You did a great job so please enjoy your gifts."

The ADORABLE bird girl jumps in place and flaps her wings while cheering and holding those shiny items against her chest. I can't help but blush and go "awwww" at the sight, and this makes Patchy a bit jealous, so I blow a kiss at her before she closes the gate.

3rd Person PoV:

Kyo, Agava, Tewi, Minamitsu, Byakuren, some fairies, Chen, Ail, and Sanae are all sitting around a campfire and roasting marshmallows.

The muscled boy takes his marshmallow away from the fire and then says "weird chapter, no Restaurant, change in points of view, and only two pirate events... I tell you, things are getting out of hand."

While everybody nods Yumemi approaches the fire, sits between Yuka and Shinki (and yes, everyone is as surprised to see them as you are), and after a long and tired sigh she says "there's nothing we can do. We are mere entertainment for a bunch of people, and what's worst, the one calling the shots in this world is a lonely old virgin lunatic."

A washtub falls on Yumemi's head and knocks her out, then it rebounds on Shinki's temple, then on Yuka's, and then it goes straight between the legs of Kaizo Yumeda.

The muscled boy curls up into a ball on the ground while holding his jewels, while most of the girls laugh at his pain.

Minamitsu stands up and exclaims "SHUT UP! That's NOT funny!" She then goes to Kyo and rubs his back while purring and cooing, and actually helps comfort him a great deal while his pain slowly subsides.

Byakuren congratulates the ship ghost and helps the boy with her magic, while the rest of the people that were there are now fighting for their lives as they make their way out of the bloodthirsty pussy willow fields.

Agava flies above them all, watching as some fall victims of the carnage, and wonder why the HELL aren't they flying over the field as well.

It may have been a very weird one, but a very important lesson was learned: Nut shots are NOT funny!

To be continued...

Characters, spell cards and scenarios belong to ZUN -Team Shanghai Alice-

Kyo, Ail and Agava were created by Willie G.R. (whom stars as himself in this mess.)

Rika Onkamikami was created by Snapshot 2010

Damien was created by Hydroviper, while his chibi neko is derived from Carnival Phantasm.

Credits for the many references where it's due.

JUL 21 2013

Written by

Willie G.R.

Tenshi: Wow, Willie I'm speechless. You went and screwed yourself over several times.

Me: Well I have to admit I deserved some of those. Still, I'm glad Chiyuri's over me. Now I can go see Patchouli-chan whenever I want without fear of being killed suddenly.

Tenshi: Do you think you're safe? I'm still here you know.

Me: But you have no beef with me.

Tenshi: Well Rika did get back at you for all the shit you put her through so... I guess...

Me: See?

Tenshi: Still, what's with that bookworm? You must have done something to her. Those kisses seemed fake!

Me: Uhh, I-I don't know what you're talking about!

Satori: Like I said to you before. Go get yourself a real girlfriend and leave us alone.

Tenshi: HA-HAA! BUSTED! Oh my.

Me: *Depressed again*