The Grandfather Paradox
Chapter 1: Arrival
There was a bright flash of light and suddenly four bodies hit the ground in an unconscious heap. Luckily, their green camouflage uniforms kept them from being easily seen in the forest's undergrowth. Minutes after their arrival, a German patrol looking for the source of the flash passed within thirty feet of them without noticing them.
Nearly half an hour later, one of the figures started to wake. His soft groan woke the others. They sat up, rubbing heads and shoulders and checking gear. Glaring, the leader, who had been first to awaken, spat out, "Carter, what the hell happened there?"
"I'm not sure, sir. I think they knocked us out and dumped us somewhere."
"No, really?" replied O'Neill at the same time that Teal'c said, "Indeed."
"Guys? Doesn't this scenery look like Earth to you?" broke in Daniel, who had been looking around. "The planet we gated to- at least the bit by the gate- looked distinctly alien. Orange sky, purplish trees, pink grass... This place... uh... doesn't."
"Daniel, don't you know yet that it's my job to state the obvious?" replied Jack with annoyance.
"You asked, Jack."
"Whaddaya mean, 'what happened?'"
"I didn't ask what happened." Daniel frowned. "I was answering your question, that you asked what happened."
"You asked what happened, I answered, you made a smart remark, I answered, you asked a stupid question, I answered, you ask-"
"Oh, for cryin' out loud!" Jack interrupted, throwing his hands in the air. "Will you please just get to the point, Daniel?"
"I think it looks like those aliens brought us back to Earth. Now we just have to figure out where we are and phone Hammond to pick us up. Judging by the constellations, we're in the northern hemisphere- man, look at how bright those stars are!- and judging by the trees, I'd say we're smack in the middle of Europe. Germany, maybe."
"Hmph." The colonel shook his head. It never ceased to amaze him how Daniel could look at something like stars and trees and come up with 'We're in Germany'. Of course, he was equally amazed by Carter's scientific abilities, which sometimes seemed to do the same thing, only with different clues.
"Interesting, but did any of you notice anomalies in the wormhole before we reached P4Z-232?" Sam cut in.
"Like?" Jack asked.
"You mean the colors?" asked Daniel.
"The yellow and orange flashes, yes. For a few seconds, I thought we were on another trip back in time. Any theories on what else could have happened?"
"Uh, I hate to be the party pooper, but is it possible that we could have gated through a sun again?" Jack queried. "And that's the reason the aliens knocked us out first, asked questions never, flew us home, and dumped us a few thousand miles from the Stargate?"
"No, we reset the dialing computer to make sure that wouldn't happen again. Actually, it brought up an error warning the first time, we just ignored it in that instance."
"O'Neill. I believe a party approaches from that direction," interrupted Teal'c, pointing quickly. "Should we not take cover and observe them?"
The colonel nodded and his team hid within seconds.
As they watched, a group of commandoes dressed in black passed them, two of them arguing in whispers.
"I still say you're balmy, mate. Fish soup is nothin' next to a nice hot plate of fish an' chips! 'Specially when a body's comin' in from a night like this!" said a tall man with a cockney accent.
"And how would you know?" replied LeBeau. "You refused to even try it, despite the trouble that I went through to get Klink to import the fish!"
"And a bloody worthless idea 'at was, mate! If you 'ad to cook a fancy dinner for Klink an' 'ad enough time to import the ingredients from another country, why didn' you get something good?"
Hearing the men speaking in English as they passed, Colonel Jack O'Neill signaled silently to his team to follow them as the argument continued.
"Mon Dieu! I did get something good! Just because you have worse taste than the Boche-"
"I noticed they didn't eat much of it either. Must 'ave just taken one look at all those bony fishes lined up down the middle of the table an' thought, 'Ere now, per'aps I best stick to these little floating croutons with the yellow sauce on 'em.'"
"Ooh, you uncivilized Anglais!" LeBeau was getting so worked up that he was starting to slip back into French. "Everyone knows la bouillabaisse classique doit comporter les 'trois poissons': rascasse, grondin, et congre!" (1)
"Quiet, you two! Do you want to get us caught?" the black man who had been leading the way hissed back at them.
"Yeah, you two are fighting so much I bet the colonel can hear you all the way back in camp!" piped up the slim man at the rear of the team.
"An' who ruddy asked you, Carter?" Newkirk looked back over his shoulder to chide his friend Andrew. Unfortunately, he glanced back at the same time Major Samantha Carter darted from one tree to the next, and caught a glimpse of her. "'Old up! There's somebody followin' us!" he nearly shouted as he wheeled around and drew his pistol. His companions also turned and drew their weapons.
"Wer sind sie? Kommen sie hier jetzt! Schnell!" Newkirk said loudly. (2)
I guess that confirms Daniel's theory that we're in Germany, thought Jack as he stepped out from behind the tree. He rested his hands lightly on his P-90 without picking it up. "No need to get antsy, fellas. Pretty sure we're all on the same team, here."
"You're Americans?" Andrew Carter sounded incredulous. "You don't look like downed pilots. And what kind of gun is that?"
"Uh..." Jack looked at Sam uncertainly. They're dressed like commandoes, but what kind of soldier doesn't at least recognize a P-90?
Sam's eyes met Jack's, glanced pointedly at the weapons being held by the other team, and back to Jack's eyes. "My original theory, sir?"
Ho-ly cow! thought Jack as he looked more closely at the guns that were ready, but no longer pointed at his team. I might not be able to ID the exact make and model, but those Lugers are a very old style! Carter's original theory- that'd be time travel- but to when? American commandoes in Germany, with Lugers, thinking we might be downed pilots- one of the World Wars? Glancing at Daniel, who had move to stand beside him on his other side, Jack whispered, "One or Two?"
"Little hard to tell at this point, Jack," answered Daniel, who showed his usual skill at picking up Jack's train of thought. "Maybe if they were in uniform I could tell. The Frenchman's from Paris; the Brit's from London's East En-"
"Later, Daniel." Jack interrupted. "Carter?"
"How'd you know my name?" asked Andrew.
Jack didn't show any sign that he'd even heard him speak; he merely asked, "Carter?" again when Sam didn't reply.
Sam was reliving a memory.
The little girl walked out onto the porch and approached the old man in the rocker. "Grandpa, Mark says you blew stuff up in the war. Is that true?"
The old man pulled his five-year-old granddaughter into his lap and stroked her hair before answering. "Yes, sweetie, that is one of the things that I did during the war."
"Did you get to watch them go 'Boom!'?"
"Wow! That must have been fun!"
"Why do you say that, honey?"
"Because I love to watch the fireworks go boom! Daddy even let me light some last month! Next year, though, I'm going to make my own, so that they're even bigger!"
Her grandfather sighed again.
"What kinds of things did you blow up?" the little girl asked excitedly.
The old man's voice was tired as he answered. "Factories, munitions dumps, trucks, bridges... lots of bridges."
"So you didn't blow up people?"
"I tried not to, sweetie."
"Is that what daddy's doing now?"
"I don't know, sweetheart. Your daddy didn't tell me what his mission was." The weathered face gazed sadly at the young one before him. He'd never meant to tell her any of this at such a young age.
"What else could he be doing?"
"Well, honey, I did more than just blow stuff up when I was in the Air Corps, and I'm sure that your daddy has lots of different jobs to do at different times."
"What else did you do?"
"Well, sometimes I pretended to be someone else; and sometimes I had to find out information and pass it on; but most of the time, I was just helping people get away from the bad guys."
"Really? Can you tell me a story about that?"
The old man stroked Samantha's hair again. "Okay, honey. Once upon a time, deep in the heart of Germany, there was a Papa Bear, and he ran a traveler's aide society..."
One memory faded into another as Major Carter realized some things little Samantha never had while listening to her grandfather's stories.
"Grandpa, tell me about your most exciting mission!"
"Oh, Samantha, are old war stories really what you want to hear right before bed?"
The eleven-year-old nodded vigorously and the old man sighed. Every time her husband went away on a mission, his daughter-in-law would ask him to come; every time he came, his granddaughter would follow him around asking for war stories incessantly. Sighing again, he thought for a moment as he tucked Sam's covers more snugly around her.
"Well, I don't know about the most exciting, but I know which mission was definitely the weirdest. Once upon a time, deep in the heart of Germany, there was a Papa Bear who had four cubs. One night, those cubs went out to destroy a bridge. Along the way, they met up with some very strange people. There was an older man, two young men, and a woman who I thought was beautiful right away, even if she did appear to be wearing a man's uniform." The Sam's grandfather stroked her cheek. "She had beautiful blue eyes and blond hair, just like yours, only hers was cut very short..."
"Carter!" Jack's irate voice and worried face in front of her own finally snapped Sam back to the present.
"Yes, sir, sorry, sir." She stepped around him. "And it's Two, sir."
"Major?" Jack turned around to watch her, somewhat confused by his 2IC's actions. Daniel and Teal'c were also staring at her. What they heard her say next made them gape.
Addressing herself to the slim young man whom she'd identified by the stories he hadn't told yet, she said, "Three sticks is plenty. And you should add five extra minutes on the timers. Which way is the stump?"
At her final question, four more jaws dropped and four pairs of eyes popped. Kinch was the first to recover.
"Excuse me? How do you know," he paused, "what you know?"
O'Neill couldn't help thinking, Yes, major, how do you know anything about this situation, if we have indeed travelled back in time to Germany during World War Two?
Drawing herself up to attention, Carter answered Kinch. "I have been individually briefed, Sergeant. But I would suggest that now is neither the time nor the place to stand around discussing things. So I suggest you go blow up the bridge, and we meet you back at camp. If you'd kindly point us in the right direction."
On hearing her address him by rank, Kinch's eyebrows rose, but he remained quiet until the end of her statement, although by the time she mentioned their target, he was sure that she'd either had a top-level briefing or there was a leak in their network the size of the Grand Canyon. He held up a hand to silence Newkirk and LeBeau, and then looked her in the eye. "Code first."
Major Carter sucked in a breath. Either this hadn't been a part of the story, or she'd forgotten it. Deciding to hedge her bets by using her grandfather's peculiar and repetitive story beginning, she answered. "Once upon a time, deep in the heart of Germany, there was a Papa Bear, and he ran a traveler's aide society... We heard that hospitality was granted to Allies even if they forgot to make a reservation."
It wasn't a recognition code, but she'd used Hogan's code name and she had obvious knowledge of their operation, so Kinch decided to trust his gut- at least up to a point. "LeBeau."
"Take them back to camp. Don't let them out of your sight until either the colonel or I has a chance to question them further."
"Oui. Watch your backs."
As Kinch, Newkirk, and Sergeant Carter turned to leave, Andrew couldn't help looking back over his shoulder.
"Come on, mate. Plenty o' time for that when we get back to camp. Although I 'ave to admit that bird still looks pretty good, considerin' her hair's all cut off an' she's wearin' trousers."
Glancing back through the trees one last time, Carter answered, "It's not like that, Newkirk. I just can't figure how she'd know I've been wondering since we left camp if three sticks of dynamite would be enough."
Newkirk put on his poker face and changed the subject rather than venturing a guess.
Meanwhile, as soon as LeBeau had gotten in front of them, Jack had grabbed one of Sam's arms and pulled her close enough to hiss in her ear, "What the hell was all that? And who are these people?"
Putting her lips right next to his ear, she answered. "They're Allied soldiers running an underground unit, right under the Nazis' noses. And the man with the dynamite- their Carter- is- was- will be- my grandpa."
"What?" Jack's sotto voce exclamation made LeBeau turn around and glare at him; his sudden stop had Daniel nearly running into himself and Carter. Looking back, he saw Daniel grinning and halfheartedly pretending that he hadn't been following them as closely as possible in an attempt to overhear their conversation.
"You heard me, sir. And I think that's enough info for here and now."
The idea for this came from a wacky dream. Please don't blame me for the crazy things that my mind comes up with while I'm unconscious. Hopefully you all got a laugh out of this- it's got to be one of the weirdest crossovers out there, right?
And in case you didn't know, I don't own Hogan's Heroes or Stargate SG-1.
I'm not making any money from this, either.
I love feedback, so please let me know what you think.
(1) I don't speak French, but I think this means: classic bouillabaisse must contain three fish: scorpionfish, sea robin, and conger. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong about that.
(2) I don't really speak German either. I think this is equivalent to: "Who are you? Come out here now! Quickly!"