The following is a non-profit fan base PARODY. The Harry Potter series, accompanying novels and/or merchandise are owned by Joanne Kathleen Rowling. Publishing Rights are reserved for Bloomsbury Publishing Inc. Please Support the official release.
(Please don't sue me)
Harry Potter: Unnecessarily Fast (Read as a play)
Cast of Characters…
Voldemort…That guy from that one film, you know the one with the face? Sylvester Stallone! Yeah let's get that guy
AN: This is a script my brother wrote for Drama Class. This was just for fun, we love Harry Potter and all of J.K.'s characters. Alos neither of us are J.K., although my brother's initial do resemble hers' . . .
Scene 1: Living Room
(A couch sits center stage facing the audience and a door sits stage left facing the audience)
(Harry sits watching TV with Dudley on the couch)
(Sound of a knock on the door)
DUDLEY: Harry, go get that!
HARRY: But why me, you're closer?
DUDLEY: Because you're my cousin who was orphaned over on no account of his own, so now we treat you badly for no other reason than because you wear glasses.
HARRY: But that hardly seems-
(HARRY gets up goes to stage left, and grabs the letter from the door. HARRY reads letter out loud)
HARRY: Dear Mr. Potter it is my pleasure to give you all this overwhelming information at once in the form of a letter. You are a wizard; you were orphaned because your parents were murdered by the most evil wizard of all time, not in something stupid like a car crash. Also you have a godfather who is known to be a psychotic mass murderer; you currently have 5.3 million dollars worth of gold in your bank account. And now we want you to leave everything you know and come study magic at our school. Sincerely, Headmaster Dumbledore.
(Hagrid- a big burly man in an over coat- enters through door, stage left)
HAGRID: Alright 'arry get yer things and come with me, my motorcycle is in the shop so they lent me a big white van.
HARRY: And leave my tight asbestosey 4" by 5'' room under the stairs? Leave my abusive family who dislikes and undermines me at every possible chance? Leave all this and go with you in a big van to a magical school that may or may not even exist? ...OK!
(HARRY and HAGRID leave through the door)
(DUDLEY, who hadn't been paying attention, grabs lotion from behind the couch)
DUDLEY: Harry! Its three o'clock and my feet hurt you know what that means!
Scene 2: In the Train Cart
(Furniture is arranged in order to recreate a box-like train compartment)
(HARRY sits on the train reading a book)
HARRY: O my word are you… for real… I mean I've heard of your kind in books and stuff but I never thought I would actually meet one!
RON: Oh! You must be from the muggle world, well yes I am a wizard and- (HARRY cuts him off)
HARRY: No, no I've seen wizards already, I mean you're a soulless one, I didn't know they existed, and wow you've taught yourself to speak. Good for you.
RON: oh, my I know you; you're that kid whose parents were killed when he was a baby. Two can play at this game.
HARRY AND RON (IN SHOCK): HOLY FIRETRUCK! Don't move there's something attached to your head! (Spoken as an aside) Sorry were being censored by the man, the Harman. (Wink at audience)
HERMIONE: Well you're a ginger. Besides it's just a little humid out so my hair tends to be a little frizzy.
RON: Oh, well in that case (slicks hair back) have you heard of Platform 9 and 3/4? Well, I can think of something else with the exact same measurements. (RON pulls out his wand)
HARRY: Keep it in your pants British Casanova.
HERMIONE: My names Hermione Granger.
RON: I'm (get cut off by HERMIONE)
HERMIONE: You're Ron Weasley; I can tell from your fiery… uh, personality, (Turns to HARRY) and you must be Harry Potter, The boy who lived even though his parents died.
HARRY: Uh yeah sort of. Speaking of sort what houses do you plan on being in?
Scene 3: In the Great Hall
(On center and left stage sits a chair in the middle with two tables on each side of it)
(HARRY and DRACO start stage right)
DRACO: So you're Harry Potter, think you're so cool Potter with your scar and your glasses and your dead parents?
HARRY: No actually I don't feel cool at all. Actually, I feel even worse with you pointing out my flaws.
DRACO: What's that Potter you're challenging me duel?
HARRY: Wait, what I didn't say that?
DRACO: What's that? Oh now you say you're going to beat me in quidditch?
HARRY: What no- (MALFOY cuts him off)
DRACO: Oh it's on! I'll see you on the pitch Potter.
(Other sides of the stage kids are being sorted)
(HERMIONE is being "escorted off" by teachers)
HERMIONE: No I simply must be in Ravenclaw, that's where all the smart people go.
SNAPE: Yes, yes it is.
(DRACO sits on the chair and is sent to Slytherin)
(HARRY sits on the chair)
HARRY: Please don't put me in Slytherin. I hate snakes. Also there are bullies in there.
SORTING HAT: Fine quit your whining boy. I'll put you in a house where the rest of the team will make up for your obvious athletic disposition… Gryffindor!
(DUMBLEDORE takes the podium)
DUMBLEDORE: Also, introducing our new Defense against the dark arts teacher Professor White Guy in a Turban… but you can just call him Professor Quirrel.
DUMBLEDORE: OK students it's getting late, off to your houses. Oh and would who ever stole my beard please return it by the end of school tomorrow.
Scene Four: In Potions Class
(Tables are set up as large desks and SNAPE stands stage left with a white board.)
SNAPE: -And that's why Harry's dad is both the literal and domestic version of a female dog.
HARRY: Um sir, I hardly see what this has to do with making a living death potion.
SNAPE: It doesn't have anything to do with potions; I just really hate your dead dad.
HARRY: Oh? (HARRY looks sad)
SNAPE: Now, who knows the proper spell that will make this position active?
(No one raises their hand but HERMIONE)
(SNAPE reluctantly picks her)
HERMIONE: The proper spell is "potionus activia"
SNAPE: Yes so everyone just- (HERMIONE interrupts)
HERMIONE: This spell was first coined twelve centuries ago by- (SNAPE cuts in)
SNAPE: That's quite enough miss smart-ass, we all know you are compensating for the fact that you're a mudblood, but nobody likes a ginger (looking at RON) . . . where was I going with this?
MALFOY: I think you just said you were deducting ten points from Gryffindor.
SNAPE: Ah, yes excellent Malfoy. Thank you for reminding me.
(HERMIONE pulls out a book)
HERMIONE: Actually sir, you can't do that under article 3 section 2 paragraph 7 of the Hogwarts Advanced Campus Rule Book.
SNAPE: Oh right uh, well um . . . (cut off by DUMBLEDORE's voice over the P.A system)
DUMBLEDORE'S VOICE: Would Harry Potter please come to my office alone, I have candy, and Lego's. That is all.
(As HARRY leaves stage right, SNAPE tells another joke)
SNAPE: How many Harry's dads does it take to light up a wand?
Scene 5: In Dumbledore's Office
(Dumbledore sits with Harry in a bureaucratic, conservative office)
DUMBLEDORE: Harry do you know why I have called you in here today?
HARRY: Wait, so you don't have candy or Lego's? (HARRY looks sad)
DUMBLEDORE: No, I ran out last week, never the less, Harry you are not a normal wizard.
HARRY: I know I know, I've already talked to the specialist.
DUMBLEDORE: No, no, this concerns the very safety of our world.
HARRY: Sounds like fun!
DUMBLEDORE: Harry I'm afraid you are grossly underestimating the seriousness of this meeting.
DUMBLEDORE: Harry the man who killed your parents is the most evil wizard of all time his name is Voldemort. He is the one who gave you that scar on your forehead. He is the reason for all of your misfortunes. I have summoned you here today in the hopes that you will finish a mission that your parents and I started over 12 years ago. You must kill Voldemort and restore peace to the world.
HARRY: Like I said, sounds like fun.
DUMBLEDORE: In order to kill him you must first find and destroy all things that link him to this world. These horcruxes are all that link him between life and death he has seven of them in total.
HARRY: Ah… how am I supposed to do that? It sounds like so much work. Also, how am I supposed to find them and get rid of them?
DUMBLEDORE: Fortunately for you, I have 5 of them right now. But enough of that, it's late don't you have a things to do, showers to take?
HARRY: Um. . . yeah? (Harry leaves uncomfortably)
Scene 6: In Malfoy Mansion
(In the Mansion Voldemort stands at the head of the table with Draco, Wormtail, Bellatrix, and Lucius)
WORMTAIL: -And that's why Harry's dad is both the literal and domestic version of a female dog.
VOLDEMORT: Yes, but I hardly see what this has to do with killing the Harry Potter.
VOLDEMORT: Draco what news have you of Dumbledore's latest ambitions.
DRACO: Well, last week he took us to Hogsmeade and he bought me an "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Beer", and candy and chocolate and even some Lego's!
LUCIUS: Sounds like you had a time?
DRACO: Yes daddy he's the bestest man in the world. (Voldemort stares menacingly at him) Um I mean he's a total uh tool, death to Dumbledore.
BELLATRIX: (singing) I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK hahaha.
LUCIUS: Yes Bella, that's the fourth time you've said that today.
VOLDEMORT: Draco, seeing as how you are the only one who may operate from within the school, you must complete the task of finding a way for us to infiltrate without notice; as well to prove you loyalty, you must kill Dumbledore.
BELLATRIX: (In jealous tone) Luckyyyy. But let's not forget who killed Sirius Black.
VOLDEMORT: Shut up Bellatrix! The writer hasn't even mentioned him yet. Hmff now all the "Twi-Hards" or whatever they're called are going to be writing strongly worded letters.
(Everyone exits stage right leaving Draco and Lucius alone)
DRACO: But Dad I love Edward! I can't harm him! (In worried tone)
LUCIUS: Wrong movie son. That is if you want me to call you son? (Examining his son)
DRACO: OH? Right sorry sometimes I forget what "Teen Cultural Phenomenon" I'm a part of.
Scene 7: In The Common Room
(Harry, Ron and Hermione are lounging casually on the common room furniture with books on the table.)
HERMIONE: So wait, the audience doesn't even get to know who Sirius Black is?
HARRY: Ya, guess all they need to know is that he was my God Father and he was killed by someone. . . someone who's name I'm forgetting.
RON: Let's not get off track here. We need to find out how to destroy horcruxes.
HERMIONE: AH, it says right here the only things that can destroy horcruxes is Basilisk Venom and Venom fused weapons, the Killing Curse, and Soulless Fire?
HARRY: Wait does that mean that Ron can?
HERMIONE: Yes, apparently when pieces of soul like a horcruxe come in contact with well, a soulless one, the resulting reaction is violent enough to destroy the horcruxe itself.
RON: Blah, blah, blah, all I got out of that is you guys can't insult me anymore or else "Screw you guys I'm going home"
HERMIONE: Ron, you'll speak only when spoken to.
RON: Yes Ma'am.
HERMIONE: Alright then so we can destroy all five horcruxes that Dumbledore does have. And we know that Voldemort's pet snake, which we're just learning about now, is one, so then what's the last one?
HARRY: Maybe it's in something we'd never think of, like some old tin can in a dump somewhere, or maybe it's a person.
HERMIONE: Harry, remember what happened last time you said something that stupid?
HARRY: Yes. (HARRY covers his testicles)
RON: So, it's time to kill some soul. (Winks at audience)
HERMIONE: That's it Ron always, end on a strong joke. (HERMIONE sighs)
Scene 8: In Dumbledore's Office Again
(Again in the Office only now many miscellaneous items litter the desk.)
HARRY: Alright so that takes care of the ring, so if nobody wants it I think I'm going to keep it, you never know right?
RON: I guess not. Oh this one's mine it's so sparkly! Lem'me burn it! (Ron says with Wild eyes, while lifting the tiara to his head)
HERMIONE: Wait! Voldemort is the most evil most powerful wizard of all time. You don't know what kind of curses he could've set on that!
RON: Hermione, I think I could tell if it was cursed. (RON drops to the floor thriving in pain; holding his leg)
HERMIONE: See I told you. And now you've gone and got yourself torture cursed.
HARRY: No! It is just a really bad Charlie Horse.
RON: OH MY GOD! HE IS TRULY EVIL!
HERMIONE: Here (she pulls out her wand) Tylenolus Pain Relevo!
RON: Oh, that's better, say how's about we de-curse them first?
HARRY: Agreed, oh, let me smash this one. (Harry slashes the sword into a cup)
HERMIONE: Alright now that's all of them so far.
HARRY: Now how are we going to get to that snake?
HERMIONE: That is quite the conundrum, he keeps the snake with him at all times so we're going have to get close, real close. But how?
RON: I got it! We can hire a snake charmer to get him and then we cut it, cut it real good. (With wild eyes)
HERMIONE: Hey Ron, remember what happened last time Harry said something stupid?
Scene 9: Battle at Hogwarts?
(In the great hall set from earlier. Dumbledore, Harry, Hermione and Ron)
HARRY: Burr, I'm cold!
DUMBLEDORE: Oh here Harry, take this it was your dads invisibility cloak, with it on you are completely invisible and can go anywhere without being seen. Ha good times.
(Draco enters with wand at the ready)
DRACO: Put your hands up so I can kill you.
(They all put their hands up)
DUMBLEDORE: Draco you don't have to do this.
DRACO: Yeah, I kinda do or else he'll kill me.
(DUMBLEDORE lowers his hands)
(DUMBLEDORE'S wand flies away)
HARRY: HEY! You can't do that he's a senior! (HARRY goes and forcefully takes his wand) You'll get this back when you learn to play nice.
(Just then SNAPE enters stage right)
SNAPE: Draco what's taking so long? (SNAPE assesses the situation) I knew you couldn't do it. AVADA KARDAVRA!
(DUMBLEDORE collapses dead)
RON: NO! (Everyone stares at him)
RON: What? I haven't had any lines in a while so I figured. . .
SNAPE: Come Draco, we have much to do. (SNAPE and DRACO exit stage right)
HERMIONE: What. . . what are we going to do?
HARRY: I know what we're gunna do. We're gunna put an end to all this.
RON: Well we should at least bury him. But first check his wallet.
HARRY: Right, he would want me to have this. (HARRY takes his wand)
HERMIONE: How dare you? (RON and HARRY look ashamed) Ladies first.
Scene 10: The Great Hall
(Harry, Ron and Hermione stand in the Great Hall)
HARRY: Do you think he knows that we've killed five of his horcruxes?
(Voldemort enters stage right)
VOLDEMORT: Oh, he knows!
HARRY: Yeah, but are you sure, I mean there's no way he could possibly- WHAAAAT!
HERMIONE: Quick Harry! Do something!
HARRY: I can't he's got me in some sort of body bind curse!
HERMIONE: No Harry, you just ran into a spider web.
RON: Spider's where!
VOLDEMORT: ENOUGH! Harry Potter you've been a thorn in my side for far too long. (He raises his wand) AVADA KADAVRA!
(HARRY collapse dead)
Scene 11: Alone with Dumbledore in his Office
(In Dumbledore's office Harry stands alone with Dumbledore)
HARRY: Sir, what just happened aren't I dead?
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, Voldemort did fire a killing curse at you so you should be dead. A most curious situation indeed.
HARRY: Is it because of my cloak? It did hit it first.
DUMBLEDORE: No that can't be it. You would have to (DUMBLEDORE gasps and points at Harry's hand)
DUMBLEDORE: Harry why do you have my wand?
HARRY: Well you were dead, so I figured you wouldn't need, plus it looks so cool.
DUMBLEDORE: What did you ever do with that ring I told you to destroy?
HARRY: I kept it as a memento, you know, plus I figured it could fetch a pretty penny.
DUMBLEDORE: MERLIN'S BEARD HARRY!
HARRY: AHH! WHAT?
DUMBLEDORE: Do you realize what you've done?
HARRY: No, what?
DUMBLEDORE: You've accidently collected all of the Deathly Hallows.
HARRY: The deathly what's?
DUMBLEDORE: The Deathly Hallows are mythical wizard artifacts which individually perform miracles of their own, and together makes one master of death.
DUMBLEDORE: Your cloak protects you from charms and curses, the rock on that ring resurrects the dead and that wand is the most powerful wand ever constructed. The cloak was passed down through your family, I came across the stone on my travels and that wand is the wand I won when I defeated the dark wizard Grindelwald.
HARRY: Wait you took his wand and it worked?
DUMBLEDORE: Yes Harry, when a wizard defeats another, the winning wizard becomes master of their enemy's wand.
DUMBLEDORE: And Draco beat me, and you beat him, so ergo you are the master of death.
HARRY: So then why am I dead?
DUMBLEDORE: You're not you're just unconscious. When Voldemort cast his curse upon you he ended up killing his final horcruxe.
HARRY: Wait his final (DUMBLEDORE cuts of HARRY)
DUMBLEDORE: Your scar was a horcruxe, and now since he's killed it the only one left is his snake. But to take out the snake you will need this.
(DUMBLEDORE hands HARRY the sword of Gryffindor.)
HARRY: So I guess it's time to kill some soul. (HARRY winks at audience)
DUMBLEDORE: In the words of Miss Granger. . . (HARRY covers testicles)
Scene 12: The Mess Hall
(In the Great Hall tables are over turned and the whole room is a mess.)
(HARRY awakens and with a shudder he spots the snake)
VOLDEMORT: (Turned away from the awakening HARRY) You see, you're hero is dead and now there is nothing that stands in my way of a new world order!
HARRY: (Picks up the snake and holds the sword of Gryffindor to its neck) Think again! (With a slice HARRY kills the snake and throws it aside)
VOLDEMORT: Wait, how could you?
HARRY: Oh, how am I still living? Have you ever heard of the Deathly Hallows?
VOLDEMORT: Yeah, who hasn't it just a story. Wait don't tell me you. . .
HARRY: Yes, I have successfully collected all three of the Deathly Hallows. Which means (VOLDEMORT cuts him off)
VOLDEMORT: OH, ok no I call shenanigans on that, the fact that you accidently collected all three of the most legendary and elusive wizard artifacts of all time, it isn't just highly unlikely but it's just plain bull$%!#!
HARRY: That may be, but remember, I'm the protagonist which means you never really stood a chance in the first place.
VOLDEMORT: Oh, we'll see. (VOLDEMORT and HARRY raise their wands)
VOLDEMORT and HARRY: AVADA KADAVRA- EXPELLIARMUS!
(VOLDEMORT'S wand goes flying out of his hand. Then he collapses down to the ground)
VOLDEMORT: Harry, come here (HARRY kneels down next to him)
VOLDEMORT: (in Darth Vader voice) I killed your father.
HARRY: (Looks at audience) Hasta la vista, it's just been revoked! (Puts on sunglasses and walks away in slow motion.)
HERMIONE: Wait are we saved or what?
RON: I think so.
HARRY: GET TO DA CHOPPA!
RON: What chopper?
HARRY: Oops, sorry I was still in hero mode.
HERMIONE: So what now?
HARRY: I don't know. I guess we'll just get back into our regular school routine and live out the rest our lives happily.
RON: Yeah, obviously but how are we going to end the saga?
HERMIONE: Just end it but don't end with something as stupid as "All was well".