So is it just me or has it seemed pretty dead around here lately? WE SHOULD ALL CHANGE THAT! =D This is based off the FUCKING AMAZING song by Jay Brannan, "Half-Boyfriend". I originally had this idea for Puck/Kurt over in the glee fandom like a year ago, but since I never wrote in it kinda developed into more BTR material. And i just firmly believe there is not enough angsty Kendall out there. Another thing I would like to change. But enough with my rambling (why do I always tend to ramble in ANs?) enjoy the one-shot and pretty please review.
We had a relationship that never should have existed, and truthfully, it didn't exist. And I thought that might be what hurt the most.
And still, after all the things we had been through and given up, I have no idea where we're going. All I do know is that we've gone too far. WAY too far. Because even though it was supposed to be casual with no strings attached, I think I love him, and I just pray it isn't showing.
The very thought of him leaving crushes me. The knowledge that it was actually on his mind to leave was like poison in my veins, shutting down my mind and body, making my heart hurt, and fuck I sound like a girl.
He made me start believing I could feel. I was sixteen years old and had already given up on love. It never lasted. Ever. My parents couldn't stay together. No one stayed together, and if they did they ended up hating each other.
I had never felt the "spark" with another person before. I had never fallen completely head-over-heels for someone. I was starting to believe that I couldn't. That I wasn't capable of love. He changed that.
He changed everything.
I don't know how we were even friends. We are so different from each other. All through our years back home in Minnesota, people at school always wondered why we hung out together. Truthfully, I don't have an answer. All I know is that it happened . . . and that I wouldn't change it for the world, even after everything that had happened.
Our moods would change like the seasons and it was fucking confusing as hell, because I was falling for him. Hard. And sometimes it seemed like he would be starting to return those feelings, and at other times he was apathetic to the whole situation, and for some reason that just really pissed me off.
He HAD to feel something for me. If there was one thing I defiantly know about Logan Mitchell it was that he cared about everyone and everything too much. He couldn't dive into a situation head first and leave his heart out of it. He wasn't Carlos or James; or even me.
But he HAD to feel something. I wouldn't allow myself to think anything differently, because the alternative would destroy me.
We would be in the recording studio, squeezed into the tight claustrophobic sound booth, and Logan would do things just to drive my fucking crazy. Purposely brushing his hand up my leg, "accidently" bumping into me so he would fall on me, and just generally leading me on repeatedly. Then when we would get home to our room he wouldn't even let me touh him. Frustration didn't even BEGIN to cover it.
He's the most mature and collected person I know, but sometimes I just want to yell at him to grow up and stop the teasing, but then I have to remember that he doesn't know but my feelings, and that this is all a game to him. He doesn't mean to hurt me.
Although, I'm not exactly being subtle about it, and if he looked at all it would be right in front of him. Logan could be so clueless sometimes.
When everything started it was so different, so... innocent in a way, but god did that change fast.
It was a touch here, and a glance there, coupled with late night conversations when everyone else was asleep in their rooms. We were in a different world then. Nothing existed but the two of us. Nothing else mattered.
Nights would pass and in the morning we would wake up next to each other, in the same positions we had fallen asleep in. Sometimes my arm would be around him, while other times his head would be on my chest. I always prayed for nights like these.
Then one night everything changed. I'm still not sure who initiated the contact, but one second we were talking and the next our lips were pressed together.
Fireworks exploded. Earth moved. Every cheesy cliche thing you could possible think of happened as our lips moved together.
Then something shifted, and the kiss turned from sweet to heated, his hands coming up to tangle in my hair, our hips moving in a way that made us bother moan and cling to each other, desperate for more.
When the sun rose the next morning the severity of what we had done sank in, but we decided that neither of us was sorry it happened.
We made a promise that this new found lust for each other wouldn't change anything. It didn't have to destroy our friendship. We weren't girls, we could separate feelings and sex. It didn't have to complicate things. It was just for getting off... nothing more.
And how wrong that turned out to be.
Logan was smart, but he was also really blind. He couldn't sense the change of emotion from lust to love when our lips came together. Didn't notice that I always stared at him when we were singing Gustavo's newest love song. Didn't see I was falling for him. Or maybe he did and just didn't care.
But time passed, months even, and our "arrangement" was kept a secret from everyone, even James and Carlos. Things could get weird if they found out.
But when Logan started to go to James I wished more than anything that he HAD found out, because with James clueless I couldn't blame him. He didn't know my feelings, and he defiantly didn't know what Logan and I did in our room at night.
It was the absolute worst scenario that could have played out. If it was some random guy Logan was seeking comfort in then I could hate him shamelessly and not feel guilty about it. But I couldn't hate James, he was like my brother.
The more days sped by the more time Logan spent with James and the more anxious I was getting. I almost wished he would just end things with me if he was going to run around with James, just so I wouldn't get my hopes up. But if I was being honest with myself I didn't want this to end. I would take what little of him I had and cherish it. It didn't matter that he didn't love me back. I could cope.
That was until he stopped coming over to me at night. Stopped winking at me when no one else was looking. Stopped everything.
I could feel him slipping through my fingers. I was losing him. James was winning and he didn't even know there was a battle going on.
The thing that really irked me though, was that I never even got to tell Logan how I felt. He didn't know the whole story, didn't know what other options he had. So when Logan stumbled into our room late one night, tears in those chocolate eyes I loved so much, I decided this was my chance.
"We had a fight." he said, sniffling and wiping his arm a crossed his face.
"About what?" I asked, a sudden thrill going through my body as I sat up, Logan falling onto the end of my bed. James and he weren't technically together, just like how we weren't ever together, but them again their relationship was basically emotional, while ours was strictly physical. I don't even think they had kissed.
"Stupid stuff. I swear he's just so conceded sometimes!" I resisted the urge to chuckle and roll my eyes playfully. Because really, it was James, what else did he suspect? "I just need to get my mind off it." he said, looking at me with those eyes, his pupils wider than normal, and my heart dropped. He just wanted a fuck. He didn't come to me for comfort or because he felt something greater for me. He wanted sex, and that was it.
"Logan," I said, closing my eyes as I fought the pain in my chest. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"Come on Kendall." The bed dipped next to me and I opened my eyes as he brought his legs to straddle my hips, resting his hands on the wall on either side of my head. "Please." he said softly kissing my neck. "Don't make me beg."
Then his lips covered mine and I was gone. As much as I knew we should stop and talk about what this meant it me I couldn't. He wanted me and there was no way in hell I could say no.
My hands clutched his hips as his moved to my hair, tugging gently, causing me to moan as his tongue swiped acrossed my bottom lip, begging for entrance that I immediately gave.
I flipped us so I was on top, moving to suck on the smart boys neck, feeling the shiver run down his spine as I bit down, making sure to leave a mark. Making sure he knew he was mine.
I pulled back, taking in his wide eyes, ruffled hair, and heavy breathing, and damn if it wasn't the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
I clearly wasn't thinking, too preoccupied with the haze of emotion clouding my mind, because if I had been in my right mind I would have never let the words "I love you." pass my lips. It felt natural, saying the words. It was how it was supposed to be. Logan and I. Forever.
But then I realized what I had done when Logan froze beneath me, his breathing coming to a stop as his wide eyes changed to those of shock.
We stayed there for what felt like years, just staring at each other, both too stunned by my exclamation to do or say anything.
My mind was working a mile a minute, not wanting to believe I had just spilled my secret to Logan. The secret about how I loved him, but wasn't this what I wanted? I wanted him to know so he would be able to consider his options, know that I would always be there for him, more than James, more than anyone.
But he still hadn't moved, still hadn't said anything, and I was staring to think my impulse decision to tell him was blowing up in my face. He was just laying there staring at me, and god I just fucked everything up.
Panic coursed through my body, my muscles tensing as I got off of him, untangling our legs and standing up, never breaking eyes contact, knowing the raw emotion that must be plainly in my eyes. He could deny he saw it this time.
I couldn't take it, couldn't handle the tension filling the room, couldn't handle that my heart was breaking a little more every second he lie there looking petrified.
Before I even knew it, I was gone and running. Out of our room, through the front door and lobby until the crisp night air hit my face, causing me to slow down.
The moon was out and shining brightly, casting an iridescent glow onto everything it touched as I walked to Palm Woods walk, hoping the scenery would help my clear my head as I sat on a bench, letting my head fall in my hands.
I breathed steadily in and out, trying to concentrate on anything other than the pain in my chest. But as soft footsteps echoed behind me the pain grew, because there was only one person those could belong to.
"Kendall?" he said softly, hands in his pockets and shoulders slumped, looking about as horrible as I felt.
"Yeah Logie." I sighed at his expression, dreading the next words out of his mouth.
"Did you mean it?"
My mind screamed at me to lie and tell him no, that it was all a big joke, but my stupid heart was telling me to go for it. I mean, all I had to lose was my best friend of ten years. Stupid fucking heart.
"Yeah, I did." Silence settled over us once more as he shuffled his feet, looking at the ground, avoiding the eye contact I was trying to make. "And you know what," I said, knowing he wasn't going to speak if I didn't. "I'm not sorry I did."
When I said it, I realized it was true. I had freaked out about it, but when he walked into our room tonight I was going to tell him anyway. It was about time he knew.
Kendall, I-" he said, chocking on words, his eyes telling me everything I hoped I wouldn't hear. Because if he had grown to think of me as something more than just his fuck buddy he wouldn't look so defeated right now. He would be happy, and the emotion he was giving off was the exact opposite of happiness.
"I see." My eyes dropped to the ground as I refused to cry. I wouldn't be the girl in this. "God, I can't believe I even thought I had a chance."
The words hung in the air, daring him to prove me wrong... he didn't.
"I'm sorry." It was just above a whisper and I barely heard it, part of me wished I hadn't.
"So am I." Logan was staring at me with those eyes, unrestrained guilt flitting acrossed his features and it took all my will power not to reach out for him, to pull him in a hug and whisper that everything would be ok, but that wasn't my job. That was James'.
He gave me one last look of sympathy and turned around, starting to step away from me and something inside snapped.
This was really happening. He was really about to walk away from me and everything we could have had. It was that thought that made me call out to him one last time, made me bring to his attention the severity this decision would have on our lives forever.
"I won't wait around for you." He snapped back around, a slight confusion in his eyes as my words sunk in. "I get that you're going back to him, and you know what, maybe you should if you think that's what's best for you. But Logan," I said, swallowing hard as I continued. "When he breaks your hear I'll be there as a friend, but nothing more. I'm going to try and move ahead... get over you. So don't move backwards, because you know I would always be there for you and treat you right. I've shown up for you in ways James never would, and one day you're going to wish you had stuck with me instead."
He had tears welling in his eyes as he gave a short nod before turning back around. He hesitated for only a moment before starting the trek back into the Palm Woods, head down, looking like he might have just given something up.
I let out a shaking breath, cursing my tear ducts as they started to produce water, never minding that I'm way too stubborn to let them fall.
This was my life now. Despite my earlier proclamation I knew I would always be in love with Logan Mitchell.
My only hope when all of this started was that I'd survive him, and that didn't even happen, and what annoyed me the most was that I couldn't even hate him for stringing me along. I knew him, and Logan would spend the rest of his life beating himself up about this. He would've never came onto me if he had known how much it hurt to see him walk away each morning.
I never asked to fall for Logan, never wanted it to happen, but even now, sitting here, breathing uneven, heart beating uncontrollably as I battled the tears, I wouldn't even think about changing it or turning back time.
All in all, I guess being his "half-boyfriend", well, it was only half-bad.
I really don't know what to think of this... part of me is telling myself that it's horrible and the other part is telling me it's ok... so I kinda need you to help me with deciding XD. And let me just say that I wrote the scene were Kendall and Logan were making out on the bed in my Latin class, and boy did I feel awkward! It was quite the experience.
This is one of the 395740570 one-shots I have in my mind. Like literally it's so hard to organize all my thoughts because of the massive amount of shit floating around in there. And i have like 3 new ideas for multi-chapter stories. It's freakin ridiculous! So yeah, lots of stuff...
Review pretty please? It will make Kendall feel ever so much better =D