Title: Here Comes Kurty Claus
Fandom: Glee, Season Two, AU
Pairing: Kurt/Sam, or possibly Kurt/Blaine. Definitely Kurt/Girls epic friendship.
Warning(s): Scheming; bitchery; het, femmeslash, and boy slash.
Distribution: Please ask first. Please do not screencap this story, save it to hard drives, exchange with others, or translate into other languages without written consent.
Feedback: Con-crit is always welcome; flames are ridiculed and put on display.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, lyrics, etc. are the property of their respective owners. Snippets of dialogue may be incorporated from the original canonical episode(s) and belong to their respective authors/creators. The original characters and plot are the property of the author(s). The author(s) is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended, nor should any be inferred. No profit is being made.
Summary: Kurt comes home for Christmas. Quinn decides he needs a boyfriend - specifically, her boyfriend. But then there's Blaine to consider.
Dedication: For DJ-DizzyD, because she's awesome. Read everything of hers, because it's epic. As my Kurt would say, thank you, and god bless.
Brittany bounced in to the show choir room with unfettered glee. "Where is he?" she shrieked.
Santana followed, rolling her eyes fondly, a soft smile on her face which she quickly schooled into a scowl. Okay, so maybe she was a little excited that Kurt was coming to visit. What of it? The bitch factor in Glee Club had been drastically reduced with his departure, and she was not amused. Oh, sure, Quinn liked to believe she was HBIC, and maybe she was, out in the halls where it didn't count. But in this room, Kurt had reigned supreme and everyone knew it. His specter still haunted them.
Rachel knew it, and she missed it. She might have never admitted just how much she enjoyed Kurt's relentless attacks, but their sudden loss had left her adrift in a sea of prosaic melancholy. She knew unquestioningly that she was the star of the club, of course, but the feeling that once engendered within her was gone. Kurt had challenged her, made her fight to prove her worth, and, dare she say it? Fine. Kurt had made her better. She was absolutely giddy that he was spending the afternoon with them.
"He just texted," Mercedes said, smiling up at Brittany. "He's running a little late because Blaine, Wes, and David wanted to come with him."
"What if they're spying?" Rachel halfheartedly demanded. She smothered a grin when Mercedes glared at her.
"Bitch, please," Tina spat.
The girl defensively crossed her arms over her chest. She had not been coping well with Kurt's all-too-understandable defection. They had been good friends for a while, but after the Gaga Incident in which he had leapt to her defense without hesitation, they had grown much closer. She was more than ready to abandon her pseudo-vampire persona and go all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Buffy on Karofsky's fat ass. Her lips quirked as she imagined shoving a stake in his heart. Or maybe setting him on fire. Then she and Kurt would dance around his flaming corpse while singing a rousing rendition of Pat Benatar's All Fired Up.
Their relationship had dimmed somewhat once she began dating Mike; not that Kurt disapproved of Mike per se, but Artie was Kurt's only male friend, so there had been some solidarity and loyalty issues at play. Still, Tina could remember with vivid clarity the argument between them, in which she had overheard Kurt calling Artie a stupid, selfish asshole. For Kurt to swear, he must have been furious. She smiled. She loved that boy.
Rachel eyed Tina warily and quickly decided she had absolutely nothing else to say.
"It would never happen anyway," Quinn announced to no one in particular. "If the Warblers tried anything shady, not only would Kurt resign from the team, he'd remove the distributor caps from all of their cars and then smear their jockstraps with Icy Hot."
Mike and Finn paled and crossed their legs.
"Are Kurt and Harry Potter fucking yet?" Santana asked Mercedes, who frowned.
"They're not dating," the girl replied. "In fact, the more Kurt talks about him, the more I think…"
The girls, primed for gossip, swirled around her.
"What?" Quinn asked breathlessly, eyes shining. If she had to bury Blaine in a shallow grave, a heads-up would be appreciated. After all, it would require the perfect murder outfit, and she needed to plan accordingly.
Santana noted with satisfaction that, at Mercedes' proclamation, the boys had promptly fallen silent and inched closer to discover the latest revelations of the love life of one Kurt Hummel.
"Is this Bland guy hurting him?" Puck hissed, cracking his knuckles. He had failed the Little Dude in an epic way while Kurt was still at McKinley, a situation at which he was now ashamed and more than ready to rectify.
Finn shook his head. "No way. Kurt would have told me, and Blaine is actually kind of awesome. And totally terrified of Burt."
Rachel nodded. "Which is as it should be."
Mercedes shrugged. "I just don't sense any real interest on Kurt's part. Not in a sexy way, at least. I just think he's happy to have another gay boy as a friend. As much as I love him, as happy as I would be to kill anyone who causes him to have frown lines, I'll never understand everything he goes through just because he has the guts to be himself and not apologize for it."
Will winced as he organized his stack of sheet music. His regrets with regard to his treatment of Kurt were legion. He knew he didn't have the full story as to why Kurt had left, and he doubted he ever would. He couldn't deny that Kurt had no real reason to trust him; he had simply waited too long to intervene and, for that, he had no one to blame but himself. Truthfully, Kurt had always made him uncomfortable, not because he was in any way homophobic, but because, at sixteen years old, Kurt Hummel had been the most self-possessed person whom Will ever encountered, for precisely the reasons Mercedes had mentioned: Kurt knew who he was, was never ashamed of it, and never apologized for it.
In contrast, Will was a decade older, had gone to college, had invested several years in his chosen occupation, had married and divorced, and still had no idea just who the hell he was. It was a little embarrassing.
Artie sighed softly. "I miss him."
The other girls, with the exception of Tina, who was still mad, and Santana, because she didn't care, shot him consoling looks.
Puck clapped a hand on his shoulder. "It's all good, A-Rex. Little Dude's coming home for break, so we'll get our fix with some quality ladyboy time."
Santana curled a lip. "A-Rex?"
Finn glowered at Puck. "Don't talk about my brother like that," he said darkly. "Kurt's not a girl. He's more of a man then most of the guys at this school could ever hope to be."
Puck wisely backed off. He hadn't meant anything by it, but he knew he had a tendency to run off at the mouth and could understand why Finn had taken his comment the wrong way. Besides, after he had once again royally fucked up his friendship with the other boy, he knew Finn was just itching for a fight.
Quinn sniffed with disdain. "Whether you or Artie will have any time with Kurt is undecided. Mercedes and I have custody of him until he returns to Dalton, and his schedule is filled."
Artie glared at her. "What the hell are you talking about?"
She was unmoved. "We've already allotted all of his free time. We've blocked off large segments for Family Time with his father, Carole, and Finn. The remainder will be filled with group sleepovers, makeovers, and shopping. Individual pockets have also been assigned, so that there's Kurchel, Kurbrittina, Kursue, Kurtana, Kurtinn, and Kurtcedes time in equal measure."
Finn blinked. "Um, what?"
Quinn heaved a sigh of exasperation. "It should all be quite obvious: Arguing with Rachel; Rehearsals with Brittany and Tina; Plotting with Coach Sylvester; Epic Bitchery with Santana; Manicures and Malevolence with myself; and of course BFF Boo Time with Mercedes."
The other girls nodded as if all of this made complete sense.
Rachel looked at Artie, chagrined. "I put my request formally in writing over three weeks ago," she said, shrugging.
Mike frowned and carefully avoided looking at Artie. "Won't we get to see him at all?"
"You'll see him today," Santana replied in a bored tone, "and also at his Christmas party."
"But what about Guy Time?" Puck demanded.
Tina stared at him. "You couldn't bother with him before." She cocked her head. "So what's changed?"
Puck ducked his head and mumbled something.
"What was that, Hebrew National?" Mercedes loudly asked.
He looked up with murderous eyes. "So maybe I miss him or whatever, okay? I need to know that he's happy there. Because if he's not, if he's just as miserable, he might as well be miserable here, with us."
Santana gave him the side-eye. "Have you suspended your douchebaggery for the holidays or something?"
"Fuck off," he weakly said.
She smirked. "Well, God bless us, every one."
He flipped her off. She laughed in his face.
Soon, they all began chattering about their excitement with regard to Kurt's impending arrival. Even Will joined in, saying he had numerous playlists in mind which simply required Kurt's approval and discerning eye.
Quinn had been discreetly observing her boyfriend during all of this; in particular, his looming silence, which had fallen when Kurt's name had first been mentioned.
She liked Sam; she might even love him in some manner. He was gorgeous, kind, athletic, self-effacing, smarter than he gave himself credit for being, had an amazing body, and treated her with far more decency and respect than either Puck or Finn had ever been able to muster. He was exactly what she had needed to get over her heartbreak where Puck and Beth were concerned.
He was also insanely gay.
She wasn't the most experienced girl, nor was she in a rush to become one, given the consequences of what had befallen her when she had last thrown caution to the wind, but she somewhat knew what to expect from boys who were interested in her. Sam defied those expectations.
Their kisses were sweet and gentle. He never pressured her to go further. She had been grateful and relieved at first, sure that it was in deference to what last year had done to her. She wasn't ready in any shape or form to get to third base, of course, but a turn at bat would be nice. But the more time that passed, the more she sensed that any romantic interest on his part was either perfunctory or feigned. She knew he liked her, just…not that way.
Her suspicion was seeded when a furious Sam had discovered that Finn had talked Kurt out of the duet. It had sprouted when Sam had gone off to confront the limp-dicked jocks who had made her poor baby's life a living hell. It had blossomed when Sam had committed to her only after Kurt had been safely locked away at Dalton, like Rapunzel in the tower.
She now had first-hand experience at being a fruit fly and found she quite enjoyed it. She would never be to Kurt what Mercedes was, and that was fine; their relationship was well and truly earned. That said, she longed for that level of easy intimacy, one she'd never had before, and certainly not with any girl. Those friendships were all superficial and based on proximity or intimidation. But maybe she could have that with Sam.
The closer she had gotten to Kurt, the more she had watched his relationships with Brittany and Tina, and the more she had studied with undisguised fascination as Santana began orbiting around him, the more she realized that, with Kurt at their side, how much better they became. It was as though he were the sun, and the girls were drawn to him by some magnetic pull they felt neither the need nor desire to qualify.
Kurt made them happy. In Lima, Ohio, particularly at McKinley high, happiness was difficult to find.
But now it was time for Kurt to be happy, and she wanted to help with that. If he could find that with Sam, she'd be ecstatic for both her boys. But if he couldn't, if Sam wasn't yet ready to abandon Tea Time with Mister Tumnus and exit Narnia, then she'd ensure Kurt found his happiness regardless, and if that was with another person, that was just fine. So she was more than pleased that Blaine was accompanying Kurt this afternoon. Either way, Kurt was not going back to Dalton a virgin.
A slow smile spread across her face before she was jolted from her thoughts by the door slamming open.
Kurt strolled in and sneered. "I'm here, bitches. Fun and merriment will now commence."
Pandemonium reigned as all of the girls, and Finn, began screaming.
Author's Note: This will be mostly fluffy, though some drama may occur. I no longer watch the show after the events of NBK, so what I've picked up regarding Season Two mostly comes from fanfic, LiveJournal, and Wikipedia. That said, this is of course an AU. I am also coming out of the closet as a fanon Kum whore. I don't know why. I like Sam, but I don't think he's anything special. I like Blaine, too, but K/B doesn't seem very challenging. Of course, Kurt really doesn't need any more challenges at this point. Whatever, Kum stories get me hot. With regard to my story An Unholy Alliance, I am working on the next chapter. I was stuck for a while, as I was struggling to make it somewhat canon compliant. Then canon went and screwed itself and I got depressed. I decided the best thing to do was make the story even more AU than it already was. So, yeah. Extreme AU coming with that one. I'm actually pretty happy about it, too! Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me on that gig, and for all the helpful and encouraging PMs. You guys rock!