Warning: This will be the worst thing you have ever read. Proceed with caution.
It was a bright sunshiney day in the land of Caelin. The birds sang cheerfully from their perches on the budding trees, and Wallace grinned up at the sky above him as he ran around the castle in his armor.
Sweat poured down his body, but it did not slow his running, nor did it help to quiet the clank, clank, clank as he moved. In fact, his sweat might have been described as glorious, for no other knight of the fair kingdom could hope to make it through such rigorous training alive.
Beads of sweat were still rolling from his shiny head when he was summoned to the throne room. The drops seemed to catch the sun as she slid downward, before they disappeared under the collar of his tunic.
"My lady," he said, kneeling before his queen. "What can this humble knight do in your name?"
"Oh, Sir Wallace," she said, a frown etched upon her beautiful face. "This is not for my sake, but for another kingdom entirely!"
He lifted his head, and with a quick swipe of his hand over his gleaming head, rid himself of a layer of sweat. To see Caelin's beautiful queen looking so distraught tugged at his heart. "For which kingdom, Lady Lyndis? You need but speak the words, and I will be there!"
She sighed, but smiled gratefully as she stood. Her closest retainers, Sir Kent and Sir Sain, came to stand on either side of her. "The mighty kingdom of Bern has need of Elibe's finest knight. The evil Lord Nergal has taken the kingdom's beautiful general…and has imprisoned her in a foul tower in the icy land of Ilia. Go, my good knight, and rescue the fine Dame Vaida so that she can once again take up arms to defend her homeland!"
"Yes, my lady!" He got to his feet and stood at strict attention, his expression serious, his bald head gleaming from the light of the setting sun. After a low bow, and a crisp salute, he turned on his heel and left the throne room, a firm declaration rolling from his lips; "Show me the foe! I, General Wallace of Caelin, shall lay low every one!"
General Wallace was not lost. The snowy fields of Ilia had likely melted from the fires of spring! He suppressed a shiver and continued to hunt for the foul tower the Queen of Caelin had spoken of.
He marched over fields and forded rivers. His armor shone in the daylight, and gleamed under the gaze of the moon. He only stopped to make certain that his head stayed smooth. Days passed, weeks, and his boots had seen the highest peaks of Bern's mountains, and the bottoms of the deepest rivers. No matter how tired he became, how treacherous the path ahead of him, he remembered the worried gaze of his queen—ahh, Lyndis, daughter of his late comrade Hassar, the only other man who could keep pace with him as he ran around Caelin in full armor!
A single tear came to his eyes, but he refused to shed it. Hassar had died heroically in battle, an honor for any knight! For any man!
With renewed vigor, he continued his march.
He would find General Vaida, even if it cost him his life!
In the distance, across the snowy landscape, was a tall stone tower. Wallace roared with laughter. At last, he had found it! His forehead glowed brilliantly in the morning sunlight, though not due to sweat—Ilia was far too cold for sweat!
His armor protested his movement, but he pressed on. When he reached the foot of the tower, he paused to reflect. Bern surely missed its famed general. It was said that the Dame Vaida was capable of bringing a man to his knees. Whether or not that was in battle was something Wallace did not know. Perhaps he would find out this very day!
Craning his neck, he lifted the visor of his helmet (with a lot of effort, as it had begun to rust), and called to the top. "Dame Vaida! It is I, General Wallace, come to rescue you!"
The silence of snow falling was all that greeted his ears, and so he tried again, hands on his hips, laughing loudly afterward, "Dame Vaida! It is I, General Wallace, come to rescue you from this foul tower! GWA HA HA!"
Finally, after his neck began to cramp and his eyes began to ache, a figure appeared at the top. She was tall and curvy, a beautiful woman to be sure!
"General Vaida!" he shouted, cupping his hands around his mouth. "It is I, General Wallace, here to rescue you!"
"I heard you the first time, you rusty teakettle," she said flatly, blinking at him.
Rusty teakettle? It must be a compliment of some kind. Perhaps the Bernese women preferred the color of rust!
"My lady, I have forded many rivers, have crossed through rapids and have swam over waterfalls, all to rescue you! If you would but let down your hair, I could climb up and save you!"
She pointed to her head. Her hair was cropped short, close to her head. Wallace thought it looked soft, like a down pillow or a nice squishy bed of moss."You asshole!" she shouted. "Why don't you use the door?"
It must be a compliment! Bernese no doubt insulted those they were thankful to.
Ahh, yes! Of course! The door! With a wide grin, and a tilt of his head so that the sun beamed off of it, he marched for the wide door in front of him. His armor squeaked, but with his great strength, Wallace managed to continue inside, and then up the staircase. The very long staircase.
The very long staircase that his armor apparently did not approve of.
Panting, soaking in sweat, he arrived at the top. "You vicious viper, you," he said as he peeked into the small room at the top. If she was going to be so gracious as to insult him, he could only be so good a man as to return the compliment!
She glared at him from the edge of her bed. "Oh, good, my knight in rusty armor arrives."
"I have crossed deserts and forests, seas and mountains to rescue you, Dame Vaida."
"Aren't I lucky."
"Bern sent to Lady Lyndis of Caelin word that you had been imprisoned by the foul Nergal…and asked that I be sent to bring you home again safely! Gwa ha ha!" He admired the scar that ran down the side of her face. "What an ugly scar you have!" he said jovially.
"And what an ugly face you have!" she snapped back.
He beamed. "I shave this every day," he said, petting his bald head. Light from outside poured over his head, making it look as if he wore a halo of pure gold. He posed heroically.
Vaida could not look away from the shiny head of the man before her. "Fine, whatever," she said. "But you had better not hold me up."
"Gwa ha ha! I would not dream of such things, Dame Vaida!" he declared, starting to walk down the staircase. His armor creaked and shuddered with every step, as if the metal were about to split open at his movement.
Just as they were about to exit the tower… Their terrible enemy, Nergal, appeared!
"Trying to escape, my pretty?" he asked, cackling as he flipped open a tome of ancient incantations.
"Do you mean to harm the hideous general of Bern, you craven cur?" Wallace demanded to know as he readied his lance.
"Hideous?" she shouted, turning to face him. "You backwater, fish-faced…sweaty meatshield, wormbait that even the fish don't want…son of a—"
But Wallace ignored her benevolent comments toward him. They were in the middle of a battle, after all! No matter how sweet her words, he did not have time to be distracted! Hefting his lance, he charged at the evil Nergal…but missed.
The dark wizard began to chant a spell from the book in his hands, and so Wallace, screaming a battle cry, charged him. It was his last chance to defeat the madman before he killed the general of Bern. With the sound of her voice in his head, his lance plunged through the evildoer, and he felt the rush of victory fill his veins as Nergal's body crumpled in on itself and disappeared into the wind.
"Not bad," Vaida said.
Wallace frowned. Was Nergal's death not satisfactory? He had hoped for, "What kind of a fight was that?"
Or even a simple, "You suck."
He supposed it didn't matter. "Come, Dame Vaida," he said, offering her his arm (which she didn't take, much to his delight). "Bern awaits your arrival with bated breath and hopeful hearts!"
He marched immediately east.
"Hey, you stupid tin can, you're going the wrong way!"
With a grin, Wallace came to stand beside her again. "Lead the way, you devil woman," he said.
And when they arrived in Bern (in a timely manner, considering Vaida fished him out of a pond, two holes and a swamp), the whole continent of Elibe celebrated. Especially Bern, who had missed their beloved general, and was in sore need of someone of any sort of decency to defend their land…
Nino clapped her hands, smiling. "Bravo, Sir Wallace," she said. "That was a good story."
"I don't know." Nils looked skeptical. "Are insults compliments in Bern?"
"Maybe we should tell Heath he looks like a frog?" Nino suggested.
"I don't think that's such a great idea." Lady Lyndis patted the kids on the head and smiled at Wallace, desperately trying to ignore the amused glances Kent and Sain were throwing her from behind the retired general.
"Is that really how it went?" Nino asked curiously, peering up at Wallace with wide eyes. "Well, other than Nergal dying and all, I mean."
"Gwa ha ha!" he laughed, turning his head to look at Vaida, who was pretending as if the entire story had been told too quietly for her to hear. She worked intently on cleaning her weapons. "That's exactly how it went, isn't it, Viper?"
"Shut up, Wormbait."
Wallace winked at the children, and they giggled, scrambling up from their position by the fire to leave as Lyndis walked away, a hand over her mouth to cover a smile.
"That's still an ugly scar."
"That's still an ugly face."
He grinned, running his hand over his gleaming bald head.
I should probably be strung up by my toenails for writing this, but holy crap did it need to be written. This was for the Mary Sue/Gary Stu contest over at FE Contest on Livejournal. The idea was actually given to me by Myaru—though I doubt she intended it to warp into whatever this is, now.