Title: Those Green Eyes
Summary: The eyes of Lily haunt Severus Snape ... especially at Christmastime. This year, however, he finds a way to relive his memories with her, costing him the biggest mistake of his life.
Warnings: This story contains and features elements that may be viewed as dirty, disgusting and/or disturbing. This story contains sexual activity between an adult and minor, as well as sexual activity of the heterosexual and homosexual varieties.
Those Green Eyes
Severus Snape gazed at the picture held in his hands, letting himself get lost in his memories, the image.
Lily Evans was beautiful in the photo. She had been beautiful all twenty-one years of her life. However, had she lived, Severus knew he would have only found her more beautiful now, at the age of thirty-five, than she had been before. The same would have applied to her being seventy. One hundred. One hundred and twenty. Lily had been beautiful inside and out. And though she had been dead fourteen years, Severus continued to love her.
He had loved her since the moment he saw her. Her father had bought the textile mill in 1964, and the family had moved in across the river, in the nice part of town. He remembered seeing her for the first time, and tugging on his mother's skirt, asking her if that red-headed girl was an angel. He had never told Lily about that moment. He had been too proud. Though now, he would not hesitate. It would be a moment to laugh together over.
Severus could use a laugh.
He traced her pleated grey schoolgirl skirt, remembering how he had dreamed of sliding his hands under it, on the pale curvy thighs. Of sliding down her panties, and exploring what laid underneath.
A knock on the door interrupted the magic of the moment. Severus slipped the photo in the drawer of his desk before getting up and storming to the door.
"Hello, Potter." He greeted the short, awkward boy. "What time did I tell you to arrive?"
The boy did not look to his feet and nervously mumble a response like many other students did. Instead, he looked straight into Severus' eyes and spoke in a clear voice. "Six forty-five, Professor."
"Indeed." Severus spun on the heel of his boot and walked back over to the desk. He could not stand to look at those eyes a moment longer. "What did you think I meant by those words?"
Potter shut the door to the Potions classroom behind him. "To be here at six forty-five?"
"Yes, Potter!" Severus snapped. "Not six-thirty, not six forty-three, not six fifty-two! Six forty-five! Am I clear?"
"Crystal." Potter stood opposite Severus' desk. "I actually didn't mean to be here two minutes too early, but I ran into Filch, and ran."
"Ah. Dare I ask why you thought it necessary to run?" Severus seated himself back at the desk, and began grading test sheets. "Was it because you are the one behind the dirty magazine incident?" Someone had plastered pornographic photos on the walls of a third floor corridor.
"No, sir." Potter said evenly. "It is because Filch is an asshole."
Severus nearly upset his inkwell. No student said anything like that about any staff member in front of another ... but especially not Severus. They knew he had little patience for insolence.
Lily would have found it funny. It is true, after all.
He looked up, to tell Potter to begin slicing the live Flobberworms, but became captivated by green.
Green eyes. Green eyes that just pulled you in. Deep emerald green eyes that openly showed emotion, rather than attempting to hide them like most eyes did. Green irises, circling the black pupils that pulled you in, like circular black tunnels, pulling you straight to the thoughts of the keeper of the eyes. Potter's eyes. Lily's eyes.
"That, he is." He nodded to the table, where Potter's detention was set up. "To work, Potter."
"Yes, sir." Potter went to the table and began the work laid before him.
'That he is'? Have you gone mad? Agreeing with a student over a matter like that?
Well, he is. Severus shook his head, and lowered it so that his long black hair would conceal the thin smile his lips made at the thought.
"Um, Professor?" Potter broke the steady silence that the Potions classroom was typically in, not only with his steady chopping, but his voice.
Less talk, more chopping, if we are to ever get out of this detention. All Severus wanted was to reminisce over Lily's memory, something that seemed to happen more frequently in the month of December, Lily's favourite time of year.
"I was wondering if could maybe do something for extra credit in Potions. I'm going to need an O to take N.E.W.T.-level classes in it, and at this rate, I'd be lucky to get an E." To his credit, Potter did not pause in his work. "I could maybe read over firsties' papers and grade them, or something like that."
Spending evenings with Potter when he did not have to? Why would Severus agree to that?
Those eyes, he thought.
He blinked, making himself snap out of it. Potter was not Lily. He was male, while Lily had been female. He had black hair, whilst Lily had had red hair.
Black hair that he no doubt got from his father, Severus thought with resentment.
"Do you know how many students ask for an easy out?" Severus tried to discourage Potter. He could not, as a teacher, say 'no' to helping a student learn, and raise their O.W.L. grade. It did not mean that he wanted them around, however. Especially not Potter. "I have seven students in the top three years working to raise their grades - I've got Nott scrubbing out thirty cauldrons a week to avoid a failing grade from me. Does that help him learn? Will it help him in the O.W.L.s? No, but I've run out of learning opportunities, Potter. And do not offer to write an essay – I do not have the time, or stamina, to correct one of your essays."
He watched Potter chew his lip. A habit Lily had coincidently also had. The speed Potter moved his limbs, the motions he subconsciously made ... just like Lily's.
Then he opened his mouth, making a very James Potter like suggestion.
"Well, if there's nothing I can do as a regular student, could I maybe pay for some extra Potions lessons? Like, one on one?" Potter stopped chopping and asked Severus, a pleading look on his face. "Professor, I really need help, or I'm not going to pass Potions at all. Please."
Severus could not be bought. His good favour could not be bought. The only reason he was a teacher of Potions was because of the school's headmaster, not because of what little money it provided as a career.
Potter's green eyes begged him. Pleaded with him.
"To the blackboard." Severus commanded Potter.
Severus, why? Why do this? Why taunt yourself with a memory? A memory that ended up being unattainable?
He waved his hand, and a series of questions, scrawled in the handwriting he himself could scarcely read, were written on the blackboard.
"Answer these questions." Severus had to look slightly up at Potter, due to Potter standing so close, and Severus sitting so low. "Let us see where you are, and see if there is any hope for you at all."
"Yes, sir." Potter lifted his small hand to write the answer to the first question.
Small and pale. Just like Lily's.
And the eyes behind the glasses furrowed in concentration. Darkening as their keeper struggled to remember the elements of Pollygrass, and brightening as he remembered. Naturally long black lashes that made the eyes stand out so brilliantly -
A twinge of discomfort caused Severus to realise that he had an erection. He adjusted his position slightly to relieve the pressure that position had caused, and to also better conceal it.
"Professor?" The green eyes looked down at him. "Um -"
The green. Green eyes. Those eyes. Lily's eyes.
Severus did his next action without thinking much, a rarity for him. Severus had a tendency to think very thoroughly before he acted – he laboured over the decision which book to read next for hours, during which time he could have read two books. But this act, he thought very little about. In fact, he might not have thought about it at all.
He leaned upwards, and captured Potter's pink lips. Soft and moist, they were still, just receiving the kiss, before giving back.
Severus could see, behind his closed eyelids, Lily's long red hair, swinging by her hips as she raced to meet him. Her breasts bounced up and down as her speed increased, The sleeve of her silk blouse slipped down her shoulder, revealing the strap of her brasserie. Her laughter sounded like a chorus of little Christmas bells.
Potter pulled away, slowly, causing Severus to open his eyes. He had sweat above his upper lip. His green eyes were wide with wonder. Shock.
Severus ran his tongue over his own pale, thin lips. Potter's green eyes followed every move.
The green eyes showed every emotion. Everywhere they looked. There was no pretending.
"It's seven." Potter pushed his glasses back up his nose. "I've, um, still got another hour of detention."
Potter had a terrible concept of punctuality. "Forty-five minutes."
Potter pulled his robes over his head, and pulled off his Gryffindor striped tie.
You're a teacher, he's a student. You're an adult, he is a child. This is not only immoral – this is illegal. He is not Lily.
But Severus threw sense and caution to the wind once he caught another glimpse of those eyes.
"Feels – so – good." Severus let slip as he rocked back and forth against his desk. Sliding in and out, welcoming the tightness and warmth around him.
"Sev ... oh! Sev!" Lily gasped. "Ah ... Sev!"
Her silky soft skin below him seemed slightly less pale due to the yellow flames of candles surrounding them. Her back arched slightly, displaying her full, round breasts. Her red hair seemed orange in the light, but the green eyes ... the eyes were as bright as ever.
"Lily!" Severus came, before falling with all of his body weight on the floor beside her.
Severus collapsed, with all of his body weight, on the edge of the desk, tempting gravity to make its move. A move that would land Severus onto the cold dungeon floor.
Potter collapsed beside him, his thin chest rising and lowering as he took quick breaths. He was covered in sweat. His chest, like the chests of many boys his age, height, and weight, was hairless and showed his ribcage. Potter's eyes, his green eyes, were glazed as he stared up at the ceiling, still trying to catch his breath.
Severus took a cue from Potter's book and leaned his head back to look at the cracked ceiling. Objects on the desk that had not been moved dug into his back. He did not particularly want to look at Potter, anyhow. He was not proud of what he had done, but Potter's eyes. Lily's eyes. The little mannerisms. Lily's mannerisms. Even if he could believe for only ten seconds that he was making love to Lily, not screwing Potter, it was enough.
This had been going on for two weeks now. Every other evening, Potter would come down to the Potions classroom, and they would fuck. Few words were exchanged. It was as simple as undressing, removing the inkwell, throwing Potter onto the desk, then getting lost in his eyes.
"Um, Professor?" Potter asked, his voice hushed as if he thought there was a reason to whisper. "Christmas vacation starts tomorrow night – Saturday morning, everyone is getting on the train, and going home to their families."
"Well, you're not, are you?" Severus asked, his voice coming out sharper than he intended. The truth was that he had gotten used to the unexpected, though not necessarily surprising, visits from Potter. He did not know why Potter continued to drop by – perhaps he thought Severus would raise his grade - but Severus certainly did not want him to stop.
Not even for a measly two weeks.
Potter sat up, grabbing his shirt off of the back of the teacher's chair. "Well, my friends are both going home, and Dudley is going to be staying with Aunt Marge for most of his holiday, so I figured it wouldn't be that bad - I'm already signed up, and my trunk is almost completely packed.
"I have to go, Sev," Lily said, her green eyes earnest as she explained. "It's for- it's for the Greater Good."
"Bullshit. Come with me – you and I will move far away, where none of this is happening. Peru, Brazil, Canada – they will never find us."
"You don't understand – if we don't try to beat him, there will be no place safe." Lily said.
"You're going to marry James Potter." There was no question in his voice.
"Yes." Lily put her shirt over her head and grabbed her purse. "I have to go – I've joined up, and my trunk is packed."
"Stay." Severus said the words he wished he had said long ago. Only this time, it was not out of love, but of selfishness. Of greed.
"Why?" Potter yanked his tie on, but then stopped to look at Severus
(with those green eyes).
"Give me a reason, and I'll stay."
He wants to be assured that you love him, that you're not just using him. That you care, and won't betray him. That he is of more importance to you than just this.
But Severus could not give him that.
"If you left, I would miss our late night activities. I will not, however, miss you as a person. I love someone else." Severus was usually deceptive, and rarely told the truth. However, when he was honest, he was brutally so.
Potter's green eyes did not reveal if he felt phased by the words at all. "Okay," he said, returning to dressing. "In that case -"
('-I will be reporting you to the headmaster.' '-I won't be coming back.')
"- I won't go." Potter stood up and stretched his back. His penis was not exactly flaccid, despite having an orgasm only minutes ago. The stamina of young boys was that to be envied.
Severus knew he should have encouraged Potter to go spend time with his family, but he didn't. He just watched the green-eyed boy gather his book bag and leave.
And when he left, Severus began to sob for the green-eyed woman lost.
Severus breathed in the scent of the warm mince pie; one thing that he was partial to during Christmastide was a mince pie and glass of sherry before going to bed. It might have seemed ridiculous to some, but it brought Severus nostalgia, reminding him of Christmases past, of a time where life was less complicated and less sorrowful.
He slipped his grey nightshirt on over his naked body, enjoying the freedom it gave him between his legs. He was just about to slip between the folds of his quilts when there was a loud knocking at the door.
Severus inwardly groaned. Very rarely, when one of his prefects could not handle a situation that took place in the Slytherin dormitory, they came for his help. Unfortunately, they were arriving on a night when he had had half a glass of sherry and, thanks to having more sex than he had had in years, was particularly aroused at the memory of Lily's breasts – a memory that was clearer than ever these days.
He opened the door, expecting to see one of the three Slytherin students that stayed at school for the holidays, but no. It was Potter.
It was then that Severus realised that he had an erection - one that was exceedingly obvious though his nightshirt.
"I took my name off the list." Potter stepped into Severus' small quarters, uninvited. "I told Professor McGonagall to take my name off of the list, and they sent my trunk, anyway."
Severus quickly shut the door behind him, lest anyone see whatever could take place.
Potter continued to rant. "What part of 'take my name off the list – I'm staying here' implies that I want my trunk loaded up on the train, anyway? It's got everything I own in it – all my clothes, my Sneakoscope, my Firebolt, the photo album – I can't wear the same shirt for two weeks! Shorts, maybe, but people will notice my shirt. I need my trunk!"
"Why are you here, Potter?" Severus interrupted before the boy could continue his rant and list the reasons that underwear should only be changed once every month. "If you have an issue with the unfortunate situation with your trunk you should see Professor McGonagall."
Potter raised his eyes from Severus' erection to Severus' eyes. "She said that she's too busy to go get it, to find someone else to do it. Another professor."
"And so you asked me." The nightshirt was no doubt spotting with pre-come.
"Well, you are the one I'm having sex with, sir." Potter took a timid step forward. He reached out and gripped Severus' testicles through the nightshirt with a gentle but firm grip. He began massaging them with his thumb, with obviously unpractised technique.
Severus gasped, struggling to remain coherent through the squeezing, pressure, and pleasure. "You think - think that you can – coerce me into assisting you?"
Potter continued the movement. "I just thought you might help. I stayed because of you."
Potter had a point. And those green eyes had a way of making Severus do their keeper's bidding.
Severus sidestepped an old man walking his dog, before continuing down the street. He rarely went out in the purely Muggle world, and had dressed for the occasion in hopefully inconspicuous clothing. He knew he did not blend in with the crowd, though – he could feel the stares.
He hated the neighbourhood that the Dursley family lived in. It was nothing like the neighbourhood where Severus and Lily had grown up. There were no jungle-like trees, out-of-control hedges. It was a biscuit-cutter neighbourhood. It was disgusting.
He knocked on the front door of the home of Lily's sister, Petunia. Petunia was nothing like Lily had been. She was rude, while Lily had been kind. Ugly, where Lily was beautiful.
And Petunia's eyes are not green.
Petunia Dursley opened the door. The years had not been kind to her – her badly permed hair had grey streaks, and her face was prematurely lined.
"You," she said accusingly. "What are you doing here? On my property?"
"I am here to collect your nephew's trunk," Severus kept his voice calm. "I am told that it arrived yesterday afternoon."
Petunia stepped aside, letting him in, though not happily. "It's in his room. Get it, and get out."
The living room looked like it was cut and pasted from a catalogue.
"Upstairs." Petunia pointed to the stairs. "My God, I never thought I'd see the day where you would come into my home to get the boy's things. I thought it was your aim to avoid him at all costs."
"Pardon?" Severus paused, his foot on the bottom step of the stairs.
It was true that Severus had avoided seeing Potter for years, not wanting to see the spawn of James Potter, not wanting to have to be reminded of Lily. But there was no way that Petunia Evans Dursley could have known that.
"Well, you have never stopped by, never called. Dumbledore said that you never would come claim him, but a letter, even -"
A chill ran up Severus' spine. Why was Petunia talking like that? What connection did she think he and Potter had? Why would Dumbledore mention Severus in a conversation with Petunia Dursley?
"You may be referring to Remus Lupin," Severus corrected. "It is a surprise to many that he never pursued a relationship during your nephew's childhood."
A queer look crossed Petunia's face. "No, I meant you. I was hoping you'd come and claim him years ago, actually, but now would do. The sooner we can rid ourselves of him, the better."
'Come claim him'? Severus felt like he might be sick. He was not even sure why. "Why would I claim him?"
"Well, he is your son, after all," Petunia said. "God, that's most of the reason I can't stand him. He's skinny and smelly, just like you were. Are. I haven't told anyone – Dumbledore told me the whole story, and said that I wasn't to tell anyone. But good Lord, I had hopes you would come get him, and now it seems you're at least thinking about keeping him – I can see it in your eyes! We have never mistreated the boy, but I can tell you, there is no love lost in this home, concerning him."
Son? Son? Severus stared at Petunia, unable to blink, unable to move, unable to think of anything else but -
-Son. She thinks Potter is your son. That you have a son. That you have a child. That your child is Potter. Dumbledore said that he is your son. That Potter is your son. He told Petunia that. Not you. But that is impossible. It is all impossible. James. James Potter is his father. The black hair. The glasses. He has his father's black hair!
Severus felt as if he were going mad. His hand went up to feel the edges of his hair. His black hair.
His thoughts were not coherent at all. He could barely breathe as he tried to process what had just entered his brain. The blinking lights on the Christmas tree made him dizzy as he caught them in his peripheral vision.
"B-but James Potter." Severus' mouth felt dry. "Lily was married to James."
"Well, she married him, yes. Nine months later, the boy was here, and a year later, they were gone. And good riddance for that."
Nine months later. James and Lily had gotten married in November of 1979. Potter had been born in late ... July. It was hard to keep his thoughts straight.
Lily smelled strongly of raspberries. She was very partial to that scent.
"We shouldn't do this," she said softly, as Severus placed kisses up her stomach. She arched her back and moaned once he reached her chest.
Severus had not answered as he ran his tongue over one of her hard, erect nipples.
"His room is at the end of the hall." Petunia interrupted his fantasy - no, memory. His memory of making love to Lily the week before her wedding. It was something he had dreamed of for years, making love to Lily. And he had done it. Once.
He had impregnated Lily. It could have been Potter, yes, assuming that the baby came a week or two early. But it could have also been ... more than likely had been ...
Potter. You have been screwing Potter. You have been pounding him into your desk for weeks. You have been fucking Potter.
Bile filled Severus' throat. So many thoughts ran through his mind, none of them making any sense, or were even relevant.
"I have to go." His voice came out weak and hoarse.
He stumbled out of the Dursleys' cut-and-pasted sitting room, out into their biscuit-cutter yard. He leaned over a bush to sick up, but nothing came out.
You are a father. Lily had your baby. Her eyes. Her beautiful eyes. With your blood in its veins.
And you have taken advantage of him. Abused him.
He had made a lot of mistakes in his life, unredeemable mistakes, but none like this. There was nowhere to move from here. Forward or backward. He could not tell Potter. He could not tell Potter. He could not try to build a relationship with him, could not continue with what they were currently doing.
"Lily's eyes." Severus whimpered as he crossed the street. "Harry's eyes."
His life, such as it was, was over. He was so distraught that he did not see, nor hear, the oncoming bus that ended it.
A/N: I am aware that "Those Green Eyes" bears similarities to the book and 1991 film "An Awfully Big Adventure." Copyright infringement was not intended by the writing of this story.