a kiss with a fist is better than none

summary: In which Beck and Robbie practice phone sex for a perfectly reasonable cause. Of course.
disclaimer: victorious isn't mine, otherwise there would be more awkward beck/robbie flirtation scenes (and porn).

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14 Missed Calls from Beck Oliver

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"Hello?"

"Beck! What the hell?" Robbie cries from one end of the phone, sitting on the toilet in the last stall of the boy's bathroom and holding his cell phone to his ear. "You called me, like thirty times in the middle of class. What is so important?"

"First of all," Beck's voice drawls from the other end of the line, "I did not call you thirty times."

"Beck!"

"Second of all," Beck continues as though Robbie hadn't said anything, "I obviously called you because I have a huge problem."

Robbie snorts, then dryly says, "What, you never call just to say hi?"

"Jade wants to have phone sex."

Robbie chokes on something equivalent to a dust particle from the air.

"Excuse me?" He manages through his cough.

"Yeah, so I told her that I was in class and that we can do it later tonight. But I don't know how to have phone sex!"

Robbie holds the phone away from his ear when Beck yells, and then gingerly replaces it, scratching the back of his neck with his free hand.

"You're not even at school today," Robbie says after a beat.

"I know. When she figures that out, she's going to have a cow. That's why I need to be really good at this phone sex thing, or else I'm not going to get laid, for like, weeks!"

"Oh, you poor, deprived child. No sex for a week," Robbie responds sarcastically. He can practically see Beck's grimace from the other end of the line.

"Dude! I need to know how to do it!" Beck insists.

"Well, what the hell do you want me to do about it?" Robbie asks, his voice raising. He takes a deep breath to quiet himself.

"Have phone sex with me."

"What?" He yells, his voice reaching a new octave, "No way, dude! Just – Google it or something!"

"I highly doubt that they have websites about how to have phone sex, Robbie," Beck says seriously.

"Well, I highly doubt that it's normal for two guy friends," he emphasizes the words "guy" and "friends" individually, "To have like, phone sex preparation because one of them doesn't want to embarrass himself in front of his girlfriend!"

"Robbie, come on!" Beck cries, obviously not grasping the logic in Robbie's statement, "Just once – I mean, it won't be that bad!"

Robbie groans, putting his head in his free hand and running his fingers through his hair.

"I'm at school," he finally says, hoping that it will affect Beck's decision.

"So?"

Obviously, that plan falls flat.

"What if someone comes in?"

"Where are you?" Beck asks this easily, and Robbie has to let out an aggravated sigh.

"The boys' bathroom," he answers, his voice heavily coated in both sarcasm and annoyance.

"Okay, you know how there's that closet in there? It's unlocked, so just pull out the sign that says "Out of Order" and put it on the door," Beck instructs, leaving Robbie frozen inside the final stall.

"Are you crazy?" He asks, even though he feels like he already knows the answer.

"Just do it. It works, I promise."

"I don't even want to know how you would have used this to your advantage," Robbie grumbles, standing shakily and unlocking the stall door. Still holding the phone to his ear, he walks to the supply closet and twists the handle, surprisingly finding it unlocked.

He starts to open it, the back of his mind screaming for him to just tell Beck that he can't get in, but Beck says, "Did you get the sign?"

And Robbie, forever honest and naïve, mutters, "Yeah, I got it. Hold on." He grabs the Out Of Order sign from the middle shelf and closes the door quietly, maneuvering to the bathroom door and pushing it open slightly to peak out of it. Seeing no one in the halls, he places the sign on the nail in the door and closes it, pushing the trashcan in front of the door just in case the sign is ignored.

"Okay, it's on the door," Robbie mutters into the phone, ducking down to check for feet under the stall doors and, seeing none, returns to the final stall and locks himself inside.

"Awesome. Okay, so, uh. Pretend you're Jade." Beck commands.

"Uh, no," Robbie answers flatly, leaning against the wall and crossing his right ankle over his left.

"Why not?" Beck asks, appalled, "You need to pretend to be Jade so I can have the proper phone-sex-with-Jade experience!"

"Dude – I'm not pretending to be a girl for your benefit! This is humiliating enough as it is," Robbie snaps, switching the phone to his other ear.

"Robbie," Beck says seriously, his voice lowering to a pretty daring octave.

"Beck," Robbie retaliates, trying as hard as he can to match Beck's tone and failing when his voice cracks. He practically feels Beck's smirk on the other side of the phone. Robbie wants to toss the cellular device into the toilet.

"Just do it."

"Beck," Robbie growls, this time coming off as slightly intimidating.

He's about to call the whole thing off when Beck surrenders, muttering, "Fine, dude."

Robbie smiles proudly and pushes himself off of the wall, now standing in the middle of the stall without much else to do. His smile dwindles when Beck says, "You start."

"No way!" Robbie cries, "You instigated this – you're going to start!"

"Dude, I already told you I don't know how to do this!"

"And you honestly think I know how to? I haven't had a girlfriend in like – ever!"

"Robbie! Good God, you're making this so complicated."

"I'm surprisingly not interested in taking part of this! I can make it as complicated as I want!" Robbie huffs and sits down heavily on the toilet seat, using his free hand to rub his eyes.

"Fine," Beck says, dithering. Robbie hears springs from a bed squeak from the other end of the line and infers that Beck is in his RV. Beck swallows, then mutters, "I don't really know what to say."

Robbie snorts. "Uh, neither do I," with a tone laced in sarcasm.

"Okay just – ugh, this is so weird," Beck says. Robbie imagines him running hand through his hair in frustration.

"We shouldn't," Robbie says, intentionally not finishing his sentence.

"No, I – I have to. For Jade." Beck takes a deep breath. "Just uh…pretend I'm in the stall with you."

Robbie swallows, "Okay…"

"Okay, uh. I'm there. And uh, I'll…I push you into the stall wall. And put my hands beside your head."

"Hold on. Why do I have to be the submissive one?"

Beck lets out an aggravated sigh, "Because, Robbie. If I was actually there, that's exactly how it would happen. Now shut up unless you have something to add to that last thing."

Robbie huffs and stands up again to against the wall, thinking.

"Hurry up," Beck demands.

"Be quiet," Robbie snaps, "I'm trying. I'm sort of a phone sex virgin, too, in case you've forgotten."

Beck groans but silences afterwards.

"Okay, uh…I…grunt?"

He hears Beck try and hide a laugh.

"You grunt," he repeats.

"Yes, I grunt." Robbie's brows furrow, "A – A manly grunt."

Beck can't hide his laugh at all this time.

"What?" Robbie asks, his cheeks heating up.

"You would not grunt. And it would not be manly. You would like, whimper."

"I would not!" Robbie cries defensively.

"You would too," Beck answers smartly, "You would whimper and you wouldn't know what to do with your hands so you'd keep them by your sides. And I'd smirk and your knees would buckle."

"Y-You're so modest," Robbie says sarcastically, holding himself up on the wall with one hand because his legs start shaking at the image of Beck in front of him (which is not supposed to happen, so this is incredibly awkward and humiliating).

"Confidence makes me sexy, Robbie," Beck says. Robbie rolls his eyes even though Beck can't see. "So, I smirk at you, and then laugh at your whimper."

"Manly grunt."

Beck ignores him and continues, "I lean closer to you, our lips almost touching. You can feel my breath on your mouth."

Robbie swallows audibly, then decides that he should just die this instant to save himself from embarrassment.

"Robbie?" Beck asks after a moment of humiliating silence.

"W-What?" Robbie stammers.

"Say something."

It takes Robbie a moment to figure out what he means, but he collects himself and takes a breath. "I, uh…"

Beck takes over, "I kiss you. Hard enough that our teeth clack together, and it hurts, but when you gasp – "

"How do you know I would gasp?" Robbie asks, somewhat breathlessly.

"I just know," Beck says, and Robbie doesn't fight, "When you gasp, I slide my tongue into your mouth and the sting goes away. I rub my hands over your chest through your shirt."

"Beck…" Robbie says, his voice a mixture of discomfort and a smidgen of lust.

Beck obviously notices, and continues, "I slide my knee in between your legs and stop kissing you so I can bite your collarbone through your shirt."

"I'm wearing a V-neck," Robbie whispers, "You can already see them."

"Hot." Beck doesn't seem to care that he just called Robbie hot, but Robbie does. There's a burning in his lower stomach, a tightening of his jeans, "I pull a side of the shirt away so I can bite the skin. I knead my fingers into your shoulder."

Then Robbie does it. He whimpers.

His face turns cherry-red and he tries to sputter out some clever reason for why he did it and can't make anything come out. Beck chuckles darkly from the other end of the line, sadistically amused. Robbie can see the knowing smirk on Beck's face, while simultaneously imaging the disgusted turn of his lip.

Instead of hanging up or calling Robbie gay or something, Beck simply says, "I told you."

And Robbie simply says, "Shut up."

And Beck continues, "I use my other hand to grab the glasses off of your face and I drop them on the floor."

"That could break them, Beck," Robbie says sourly, attempting to regain some dignity. Beck lets out a (sexually) frustrated sigh.

"I lay them gently on the floor," he restates sarcastically, causing Robbie to roll his eyes again, "And then I push my hands under your shirt and kiss you again."

Robbie lets out a silent breath.

"Come on, Robbie. You need to say something," Beck says, his voice almost a murmur for reasons Robbie can't and does not want to fathom.

"I – I move my hands to grab your hair…" Robbie tries, and Beck exhales approvingly. "And I kiss you harder, and push my tongue against yours, and…" He can't think of anything else, so he trails off.

"And I grab you by your hips so you arch against me," Beck finishes, and Robbie can't help but feel a little better about the situation when he hears Beck's breathing getting slightly more shallow, "Shit," he curses.

"Yeah," Robbie answers, automatically wishing he hadn't. Beck seems to ignore it.

"I let go of your hips to cup your face, still kissing you really hard, pushing you into the wall with my body…"

Robbie closes his eyes, imagining Beck there without really meaning to, his pants feeling tighter by the second. Half of him wants to reach down and unbutton them, but finds that extremely gay, and this is totally gay enough.

"I use one hand to grab the hair at the back of your head, pulling you forward, and my other hand to – shit, Jade's calling."

Robbie is jerked abruptly out of his reverie by Jade's name. He swallows and nods, blinking to try and get the images out of his mind as the line goes silent. He waits a full minute before Beck switches the call back to him.

"I have to go," Beck says, sounding strangely apologetic.

"It – It's okay," Robbie answers, sliding down to sit on the floor to try and get his legs to stop shaking, "That was getting weird, anyways."

"Yeah…" Beck agrees, "So do you think she'd like that?"

Robbie rolls his eyes, mutters, "I hate you," through clenched teeth, and hangs up.

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1 New Voicemail from Beck Oliver:

"Dude, I am awesome at phone sex."

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a/n: I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR ART. and jade is a cockblock. that is all.