Sheldon Goes a Courting
Sheldon knocked at Penny's door not once, not twice but three times each time stating his neighbor's name, 'Penny.'
Penny opened her door after Sheldon's third knock and pushed her wild hair out of her eyes so she could glare at her annoying neighbor.
Sheldon raised his left hand to cover his throat and tried to calm the irritable beast that he had clearly awoken from her slumber by whispering, 'it's eleven ten am, Penny.'
Penny rubbed the sleep from her eyes and leaned against her door frame, 'I know, what do you want, Sheldon?'
'I brought you this banana bread,' he said handing her the loaf wrapped in plastic wrap, 'in exchange for your experienced advice on courtship. Amy Farrah Fowler has decided we must move our relationship onto the next level and has told me in no uncertain terms I must start courting her. As you are aware, I am without knowledge of this area and the only date I had attended with a female you supervised.'
Penny moved away from the door and combed her long hairs with her fingers trying to settle the mess, 'I'll help but I didn't think either of you wanted a serious relationship?'
After Amy Farrah Fowler's encounter with your ex boyfriend, where she experience sexual longing, she has decided she enjoyed this new feeling,' Sheldon explained his glaze dancing around Penny's eyes until finally dropping to settle on a spot on the floor near her slippers, 'she has tried to involve Zack but finds his attractiveness too intimating to seduce him. She has decided I would make a suitable partner for this instead.'
Penny face narrowed to confusion as she stared at her neighbor, 'Amy wants to have sex with you? I thought both of you were disgusted by sex?'
Sheldon's eyes didn't leave the toes of Penny's pink slippers, 'Amy Farrah Fowler has assured me, and our sexual relationship will merely be a means to an end to produce our child prodigy. Her mother has advised her with some milk related metaphor that I should be forced to court her before partaking in the milk.'
Penny could tell Sheldon's heart wasn't in what he was saying but it was his life, she couldn't stand in his way even if this was the dumbest idea she had ever heard anyone say, 'come in, I need some coffee.'
Sheldon sat down on his spot on her couch as her watched Penny pour herself a giant cup of coffee and cut two slices of the banana bread and placing them on separate plates. He watched her use her use her skills as a waitress as she managed to carry the plates and cup of coffee over to where Sheldon was sitting and arrange them on the table in front of them. She picked up her piece of the bread and nibbled at the crust, before softly moaning herself. With her mouth still full she asked, 'so what have you tried so far?'
Sheldon shuddered at her crass eating but explained his own research into the subject so far, 'I prepared an Internet search for the term "courting females" but unfortunately the results only referred to female justices of the Supreme Court and a Wikipedia page stating courtship traditionally lasts two years and eleven months. I don't think Amy Farrah Fowler would be willing to wait that length of time for sexual release.'
Penny choked on her banana bread at the image of Amy and Sheldon trying to be intimate, if she was honest with herself the image made her uncomfortable for far too many reasons. Once she had taken a large sip of her coffee she answered, 'I don't think most people follow the average two years and eleven months, three dates is usually the norm before people decide to take the next step.'
Sheldon seemed to be searching his internal Google search for answers, 'Amy and I have only been on one true date but we have attended many outings together. So I only must invite her on two more dates before buying the milk,' Sheldon nodded happy with the answer, he stood and headed for Penny's door.
'Wait, no. Sheldon sit down,' Penny motioned for him to sit down next to her, 'there is more than buying Amy dinner three times.'
Sheldon was starting to feel uncomfortable with this line of conversation, as he had strange thoughts regarding why Penny's past relationships had failed over the years drifting through his mind. He knew Amy Farrah Fowler would find three dinners at Sheldon approved restaurants more than adequate courting, he decided to humor Penny by sitting back down.
Penny sighed to herself, she felt she wasn't getting through to Sheldon; she laid her hand on the sofa next to him not daring herself to touch his personal space, 'you know being in a relationship is more than fancy dinners and sex.'
Sheldon shot her an icy glare and corrected her, 'your relationship with Leonard seemed to only consist of those things.'
Penny held back her tears, sometimes she wondered if he was cruel on purpose, 'yes, it was a train wreck. You should learn from Leonard's mistakes. You should woo Amy, treat her like she's special, the only girl in your world, buy her presents just because you thought of her, take her dancing and write her poetry or sing her a song, girls love that.'
Sheldon nodded at Penny's advice, letting his eyes settled on her wild blonde hair as he took a deep breath before speaking, 'I will take your suggestions to woo Amy Farrah Fowler on board, and there is just one more subject I felt the Internet couldn't teach me. Amy has asked that I when ever I greet her from now on I must kiss her. You know how I feel about mouth based bacteria but Amy has said this is the key to our new relationship being successful so I will commit to her plan.
Penny's mouth hung open revealing half chewed banana bread in her mouth, 'you can't be serious.'
Sheldon turned his head at the sight in her open mouth, 'I was hoping you would be willing to brush your teeth and gurgle with mouthwash before we begin.'
Penny swallowed her breakfast with a gulp, 'you want to practice kissing with me?'
Sheldon eyes focused on the piece of banana bread sitting on the table Penny had brought him, 'I was hoping for detailed instructions but if hand on practice is more suitable I would be grateful.'
Penny sat down her plate and couldn't stop staring at Sheldon like he had two heads. On one hand she was offended Sheldon was demanding she cleaned her mouth before kissing him and the other hand she was in shock, Sheldon was asking her to kiss him, only for practice but she had never thought she would see the day. It was such a strange request she couldn't help herself from heading off to the bathroom while murmuring, 'okay.'
She brushed her teeth and gurgled with mouthwash like Sheldon had asked. Her hair looked like a rat's nest; she grabbed her brush brushing it until it hung down to her shoulders framing her face. Her mind wrestled with the thoughts of changing out of her hello kitty pyjamas but she chided herself, Sheldon wouldn't notice anyway.
When she walked back in the room Sheldon was at her sink washing her breakfast plate and cup, 'Sheldon you didn't need to do that. Come sit next to me,' she told him waiting for him to wipe his wet hands on a dish cloth and rejoin her on the sofa.
His face was a pale pink and his eyes kept peeking down at her Hello Kitty shorts. Penny bit her bottom lip, 'are you sure you want to do this?'
Sheldon half heartily nodded his head at her, his eyes not leaving her legs.
Penny was starting to get annoyed with his half heartedness and grabbed his chin so he was facing her, 'lesson one: make eye contact,' Sheldon's blue eyes fought painfully hard to stare back into her own.
When she felt comfortable enough he wouldn't move she moved onto lesson two, she scooted closer to him , 'next you turn your head slightly to the side and you lean in,' Penny told him her mouth mere millimetres from his own. Penny could feel his hot breath on her lips, her heart was beating hard now and part of her was wishing this wasn't just a lesson anymore and Sheldon would know what to do without her help.
Sheldon still had his eyes locked with her like they were in a life or death staring contest; Penny opened her mouth slightly to give him his next direction when she felt her mouth invaded by Sheldon's hungry tongue and lips. His lips crushed against her own lips pushing her backwards but she stopped when she felt Sheldon's arms snaked around her sides to the middle of her back holding her in place. Penny could feel passion race through his lips, something she had never thought existed in Sheldon's world. One of his hands made its way up to her neck and griped the back of it lightly, so she couldn't escape. Penny couldn't help herself from giving a startled squeak as Sheldon's tongue entered her mouth again rubbed against her own tongue. Sheldon pulled away a moment to look her in the eyes again, Penny couldn't move as his eyes darted across her face trying to read her like a book. Her arms hung limply at her sides and her mouth was slightly open and refused to close after Sheldon's invasion, she could only utter one word, 'Sheldon?'
Sheldon's arms sunk down Penny's body, until his warmth left her with a shiver, 'I'm sorry,' he whispered looking away from her like a wounded animal and heading towards her door.
Penny's feet burst into action and she raced in front of him to block the door, 'no,' she said throwing herself against it.
Sheldon looked at the blonde woman in front of him and the door behind her, trying to judge if he could somehow squeeze past his neighbor. Before he could try Penny's mouth finally started to form sentences again, 'what was that?'
Sheldon took a deep breath, 'a mistake, practicing kissing skills on you was a horrible idea.'
Penny's heart ached, he always knew the coldest thing to say her, she covered her anger by saying, 'don't act so innocent, you kissed me and you seemed to know what you were doing.'
Sheldon shuffled uncomfortably in front of her, 'my experience is limited, I'm sorry I may have mislead you into thinking I had no experience kissing girls.'
Penny raised her arms fed up with Sheldon's lies, 'if you have experience, why can't you just go kiss Amy without practice? Why involve me at all?'
'It was meant to be an experiment,' Sheldon admitted going back to starring at Penny's slippers instead of her angry face.
Penny covered her eyes with her hands, she told herself not to cry, 'Sheldon, I am your friend, you don't experiment on your friends. This is just like the chocolate behavior thingy you tried on me, I am a person you know I have feelings too. You can't just use me for your sick experiments and expect me not to be upset.'
Sheldon shook his head, 'I told myself the experiment was a bad idea but I felt I needed the data to make informed decision about my continued relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler.'
Penny dropped her hands from her face and formed two fists on either side of her body, 'what data could you have possibly gotten from involving me?'
Sheldon looked ashamed by raised his head to look Penny in the eye, 'Last week, I kissed Amy Farrah Fowler, it was not satisfactory. I needed to know whether you would be jealous of Amy Farrah Fowler having a sexual relationship with me and what it would be like to kiss you.'
Penny pinched her skin not believing her Sheldon was standing in front of her wanting to know if she was jealous of his girlfriend and saying he had wanted to kiss her to check if they were compatible. When she didn't wake up, she realized she didn't know what to say. Sure, she had never approved of Amy being Sheldon's girlfriend but did that mean she was jealous and wanted him for herself. Unable to decide her feelings there and then she stepped to the side as she managed to say, 'that's a lot to take in.'
Sheldon nodded at her taking the door handle, 'I understand. In case you were wondering you are a far the more satisfactory kisser than Amy Farrah Fowler. I nearly forgot about all the bacteria growing in your….'
Penny didn't remember how or when she had moved but her arms were wrapped around his neck and her mouth was again attached to Sheldon's lips. His hands left the door handle and she backed him against the door with all her might. She didn't know why being called satisfactory did something to her she couldn't control but her brain somehow translated it from Sheldon speak to your kiss was hot and I want you. Sheldon soon realized what was happening and Penny was relieved when she felt him running his hands through her golden locks. She pulled away and looked into his blue eyes, 'I guess I would be little jealous if you were in a relationship with Amy.'
Sheldon nodded his head realizing Shamy was over and the era of Shenny was just beginning.