A/N: I just….. don't freaken know where this came from. Maybe it's because I really wanna go see Santa at the mall sometime this week (don't ask) or maybe it's because I'm in a really good mood right now and needed something ridiculous to show for it…. Or maybe it's the fact that I saw the most adorable picture of Cas in a Santa hat today (which I'm sorry I don't have the link to. I saw it on the internet over my phone :() but this is what came from it. It's goofy, and silly, and practically cracky, and since Cas is an Angel, I guess it takes place after the end of season five, though I supposes it's all out AU after that. Sorry if it confuses anyone. I wasn't thinking of a certain time period as I wrote it. *looks nervous*
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to SPN. I definitely don't own Castiel…. Or Dean…. Or even Sammy. Things would be different, and probably way too fluffy, if I did.
Warnings: pretty AU I suppose. Sorry. And there's some slash. Go away if you don't like that.
A Christmassy Conversation
"This holiday is meant to celebrate the birth of one of my brothers," Castiel says, gazing at Dean's bent head.
Dean looks up from the double bacon cheeseburger he is currently drooling over. "What," he asks, sounding confused. Where the fuck did Cas come from anyways? Oh, right… Angel of the fucking Lord. He could pop in whenever he freaken wanted to.
Cas continues to look at the hunter with brilliantly confused eyes. "This celebration…. This Christmas. It is meant to celebrate the birth of God's beloved son, Jesus."
Dean sets his cheeseburger down, knowing that he won't be eating it until Cas leaves him alone, if even then. "Well…. are you asking me or telling me Cas? You seem to know what you're talking about here."
Cas glowers at him, looking as if he is losing patience with the man sitting in front of him. "I am telling you," he all but growls.
"Ok then…." Dean says. "I guess that's it then. Thanks for sharing. I feel so much wiser thanks to what you just told me." Dean moves to pick up his burger again before cursing under his breath when he finds it gone. He could have sworn he placed it right there, on the foiled wrapper. Where did it… His head snaps up to look at the angel sitting in front of him. "What the fuck man?" he asks, suddenly furious. "Give me back my God damn burger."
"Do not use the Lord's name in vain," Castiel tells Dean, trying to look innocent and reprimanding all at once , and well…. since this is Castiel, Angel of the Lord, he's looking at Dean with too-big blue eyes and that head cock that drives Dean crazy and it works. He looks like a fucking poster boy for naïve innocence and adorableness (and Dean did not just think that, fuck you very much). Still, Dean isn't fooled, because deep down, he knows this guy sitting in front of him, even if Cas manages to shock and confuse the hell out of him on a regular basis, and he continues to glare at the angel, holding out his hand. "Give it back," he demands, voice nothing more than a low growl.
"You aren't listening to me," Castiel says, and does not give Dean back his burger. Of course he doesn't. Fucker. Instead he sits rigidly on the chair across from Dean staring him down. Dean always wonders how it is that works, how Cas can make him feel two inches tall when Dean is actually taller and more muscular than the vessel that Castiel inhabits. Must be an angel thing. Especially since they are both sitting, and it should not be possible to stare anyone down in this position.
"I'm listening," Dean mutters, looking down at the hotel table when he is no longer able to hold Cas' gaze. "I'm just not seeing the point in this conversation."
Dean can feel the heat of Cas' gaze burrowing through his skull. "I am merely trying to understand what you humans have turned a religious holiday into," Castiel says.
"What exactly do you mean," Dean asked, feeling as if he had just entered the conversation. Where the fuck was Cas going with this.
"The holiday is meant to celebrate Jesus Christ's birth," Castiel says, all overpronounced syllables and matter-a-fact tone of voice.
"Yes," Dean says, feeling a headache pounding at the base of his skull. "So you've said. What the fuck does that have to do with anything?"
"If, and I know there is no if about it, because I was present when the holiday was first created, this holiday is in fact a religious one, then why is it that adults place small, colorful, and sometimes blinking lights up around their homes, and cut down trees, and why do children seem to worship some fat man dressed in red that seems far too interested in prostitutes?"
"What the fuck?" Dean says, incapable of saying anything else.
Castiel sighs in obvious annoyance. "Are you not listening to a word I am saying," he asks, in the tone of voice that Dean has labeled his "I will smite you if you do not do as I say" voice. Dean tries not to shrink back in nervousness, or fear.
"I'm listening!" Dean says, again. "I just… seem to fucking be unable to get where you're going with this Cas. God dammit."
"Do not say the Lord's name in vain," Castiel says, again, though it's said without much heat behind it. "And I already told you what I was trying to explain to you," he says, and he'd be all but sulking, if angels sulked. They don't though, so Dean doesn't know what the fuck that look on Cas' face means. Maybe he's trying to find a way to throw Dean into hell again, fuck his life.
"I know you tried explaining things to me man," Dean says, not in the mood to deal with a pissed off angel, no matter how cute (fucking hot) he looks when mad. "But…. You trying to explain things to me is like a fucking genius trying to walk a two year old through the easiest way of solving a calculus equation. Just… try again, please?"
Castiel glowers at the human in front of him, not saying anything. Dean sighs. "Ok, lets break up what you said. Now…. You keep saying that Christmas is a religious holiday meant to celebrate Jesus' birth, yeah?"
"Yes," Castiel says. "That is what it is meant to be. Though humans seem to have tainted it somehow, as they manage to taint everything."
"How's it been tainted," Dean asks, confused as fuck. "It's an all out, pretty fucking innocent holiday man."
"If it is so innocent," Castiel growls, "Then why is there an overweight, pervert of a man that has little children sitting on his lap, and coming into people's houses to steal milk and cookies, and calling for hoes?"
Dean barks out a laugh, suddenly understanding what Cas has been saying. "Oh Cas," he says, wheezing with laughter. "Oh man…. You are just… too much," he says, shaking his head in amusement. "Dude…. That's Santa you're talking about."
"I think that, perhaps, we should find this 'Santa' and execute him, or I will go and merely smite him. He sounds like some sort of pagan god or something. Perhaps Gabriel can help by telling me exactly who he is, since he was Loki for a time and usually has more information on these things."
Dean continues to laugh, clutching his sides as he does so. "Oh man…. Cas… we are not going to hunt down Santa Claus and kill him. No way man…. And anyways, I kinda already did that at one point, with Sammy…. But it was some anti Santa, so…. yeah. Fuck… where is Sam anyways," Dean asks, looking around the hotel room for his little brother.
"Sam is still at the library, doing research on whatever you two are hunting this time," Castiel says. "And if you and your brother have already killed this 'Santa Claus' I do not believe you did it correctly. I saw him on a street corner, taking money from innocent people as he waved a bell around rather violently…. And again in a shop, laughing as a group of little kids waited in line to sit on his lap. And again…. Either he moves very, unnaturally fast, even faster than an angel, which I highly doubt, or…. perhaps he multiplied when you and your brother killed him. He sounds dangerous Dean. We must do something." Castiel looks at Dean with wide, troubled eyes now.
Dean continues to laugh, not able to control himself at all. "Dude… that's not… he's not…." Dean bangs his fist against the table in mirth. "Oh man," he wheezes for breath, "Cas, I fucking love you."
"I love you too, of course, but now is not the time to profess your undying love for me Dean," Castiel says, sounding distressed. "We must do something about this 'Santa Claus' before anyone is hurt."
Dean falls silent as he processes what Castiel had just said. Then he blinks…. and then blinks again, before lurching out of his seat, falling to his knees in front of Heaven's favorite angel, and grabbing a hold of his ever-present blue tie. "Just…. shut up Cas," he says, voice hoarse with a sudden overload of emotions, and kisses the Angel before Cas can say anything more.
Dean will let Sammy explain all those Christmas traditions and customs and stuff to the Angel when he gets back. Sam probably knows all that shit by heart. For now…. He'll take advantage of the time alone in a much more enjoyable way. And by the noises Cas is making into Dean's mouth as he clumsily fumbles to return the kiss, it seems as if he doesn't mind at all. Big bad Santa is forgotten for now, and Dean thinks that, maybe, he can introduce Cas to something else that is big, but not at all bad.
A/N: Hope you liked it. Happy Holidays!