December

This is Stephanie Meyer's world, I just like to live in it from time to time.

Edward,

Children are joyfully screaming outside my window this morning, undoubtedly enjoying their shiny new toys. Its Christmas today, the one day of the year where I use to be able to appreciate Forks miserable weather. There always use to be something so peaceful about a white Christmas morning. I wish I could feel happy about the snow today. Hell, I'd even be grateful to feel annoyed by it. You always said you couldn't bear to take away any human experiences from me love. But I stopped feeling human the day you left me. I stopped feeling anything but empty and numb. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I died on my Birthday and this is hell because my mind simply cannot grasp the idea of a world existing where you don't love me anymore. That is why I am keeping this journal now, writing to you just to make sure I stay aware of what is in fact reality. I am alive, alive in a world without you because you don't love me anymore. I will accept this for you love, because I want nothing but for you to be happy. So wherever you are please, please, be enjoying life.

The smell of burning bacon was wafted up into my room at an alarming rate. Charlie. He had been through so much these past few months, few years really. I just haven't been able to hide my pain very well, always such a terrible liar even when the lie was so vitally important. He was going to send me away soon, I could feel it coming. Though leaving Forks may not be such a bad idea for me, I know it would only hurt Charlie even more. He would feel as a failure of a father for the second time in his life. But none of this was his fault, it was me who wasn't good enough for my Edward. At the very least I am going to be a good enough daughter.

It was time to put on my happy face, Charlie was truly making an effort this year with the holidays, I even over heard him telling Renee that he was going to "cheer me out of the Cullen Coma." I would just have to play the part at least for today. Giving my letter once last lingering touch, I closed the red leather binding and went to rescue breakfast.

"Merry Christmas sweetheart" Charlie choked to me through a greasy cloud of smoke. "I... uh... might have over done the bacon a little, so hows about I make pancake instead?" It was hard to see his face through the thick haze in the kitchen, but I could imagine the grimace that most certainly was painted on it. Charlie was not innately domestic, sentimental, or even very social for that matter. He was completely out of his element, trying to be what he thought I needed him to be.

"Morning dad" I said reaching over the sink to open the window. The fridge breeze quickly assaulted my face sending chills down my spin. "You really don't have to do that. I... actually had planned on make you breakfast today anyway." First lie of the day.

"Awh Bells, its Christmas I wanted to make something for you for a change." Charlie sighed.

"Come on Dad don't take away one of my planned gifts to you. I was going to make stuffed french toast, just like we had the last time I was home for Christmas." Lie number two, how am I thinking of these so quickly now? Maybe I am getting better at this. "Just go relax, isn't there a game on soon?"

"Bells its 8 am on Christmas morning, there is no game on." Charlie said defeatedly. "But, if your sure... I mean if you had already planned on.. I...I wouldn't mind watching some of the Parade." He walked over and awkwardly kissed my forehead, "stuffed french toast sounds wonderful." He was dragging his feet on the way into the den.

Of course there is not any game on TV this early Bella, there is that awful liar you know. I am going to have to do better then that. I waited until I could hear the low mummer of the TV. I believe it was Regias Philmen introducing none other then "Mr. Micky Mouse himself." You could always count on Charlie to zone out in front of the TV when there was any uncomfortable situations to avoid. Thankfully. Now I could focus about the task at hand, without feeling the burn of watchful, worried eyes on me. I set about cracking the eggs and gave my mind over to the tedious tasks, it was a welcomed break.

"Wow Bells" Charlie beamed, "I don't know where you got this cooking gene from but the whole house smells wonderful."

Really, I thought, it doesn't smell very appetizing to me.

We sat around the table in awkward silence while eating. Until I got up and clicked on the radio, hoping a little Christmas music might distract Charlie from his new burning need to hold meaningful conversations with me. I truly missed how we use to be able to sit in comfortable silence together, back when Charlie understood me better, when I understood myself better too. Picking up my fork, I a long gooey string of boysenberry syrup ooze down onto my finger. It reminded me of my ill fated 18th birthday party- the day my clumsiness finally found a way to truly destroy my life.

"ahem... Bells are you in there?" Charlie said waving his hands in front of my face.

"yeah... dad sorry I uh just got lost inside the music its really... soothing." I quickly replied.

Charlie roughly squinted his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. "Yeah I guess... well, hey I forgot to tell you we have been invited over Harry's for Christmas dinner so uh your off the hook for cooking tonight."

"Oh yeah... great we... er I could really use a night out, thanks Dad." Great, It really was going to be a very long day.