Author's Note: Torchwood is owned by the BBC.
Marry, Shag, Throw Off A Cliff
Gwen was bored out of her mind; for once there was no paperwork to complete, no rift alerts or Weevil sightings. Tosh was sat on her computer updating the security software that she had created and Ianto and Owen were in Jack's office going over the budget for medical supplies. Gwen fiddled with a pen and spun around on her chair for a bit before she got an idea.
"Tosh" she said "fancy playing a game?"
Tosh barely glanced away from her screen "sorry Gwen, I'm a little busy."
Gwen sighed and clicked the internet icon on her desktop, trying to find something to keep her entertained. Half an hour later she clicked off another lost game of Tetris, "come on Tosh" she begged, "play it with me!"
Tosh sighed, "no Gwen."
"Come on..." whined Gwen.
Tosh sighed heavily and stopped typing away at her computer, recognising that when Gwen was in this kind of mood she would never get any peace. "What game?" she asked, finally giving in.
"Simple, marry, shag or throw off a cliff."
Tosh rolled her eyes and said "okay, who are my options?"
At that moment the door to Jack's office opened, but neither woman noticed.
"Hmm" pondered Gwen "marry, shag, throw off a cliff..." she grinned as the idea came to her "Jack, Owen and Ianto."
"Out of the team?" said Tosh slowly, a blush covering her cheeks.
Ianto opened his mouth to ask whether or not the girls wanted a coffee but was stopped by Jack's large hand covering his lips, with Owen's hand on top. Ianto scowled at the two men but they were too busy trying to listen in on Tosh's answer.
"Yep" said Gwen.
"I can't" said Tosh, "we work with them, they're our colleagues."
Gwen sighed and kicked her chair away from her desk, coming closer to Tosh's, "it's a game Tosh, it doesn't mean anything."
Above the girls on the metal walkway, Jack slowly moved his hand from Ianto's face and motioned for Ianto to be quiet. Ianto pursed his lips to show that he understood but he rolled his eyes at Owen and Jack's childishness. He could tell that this was going to be an alpha male thing with them and could already guess the girl's answers. Ianto had realised on his first day that Tosh loved Owen and Gwen was clearly infatuated with Jack and had also slept with Owen in the past.
"I don't know" said Tosh, making to resume her work.
"Tosh, this isn't serious I'm just curious" said Gwen impatiently.
Tosh though for a moment and said "well...I suppose it would be fair to throw Jack off of the cliff because he would come back."
Owen pressed a hand over Jack's mouth to muffle an indignant "oi!"
Gwen nodded and then grinned "but...?"
Tosh blushed harder "I don't know I suppose it depends if his manners are really that atrocious in bed."
The two women burst into laughter and Jack frowned at Ianto who just gave an apologetic grin in response.
"Okay, okay so you'd shag Jack..."
"No... well I couldn't really throw Owen off a cliff could I?" said Tosh.
"So you'd marry Ianto then?" said Gwen grinning as she caught out her colleague.
Tosh surprised the whole team, especially Ianto, as she said, "wouldn't you?"
Gwen thought for a second, "actually I think I would."
Ianto tried not to blush and ignored the gaze of the two shocked men beside him.
"He's gorgeous" began Tosh, "funny, witty, intelligent..."
"Well Jack certainly requests his local knowledge often enough" cackled Gwen "and apparently he's great in bed."
Both Owen's, Ianto's and Tosh's eyebrows shot up, Jack wasn't that shocked he already knew how good in bed Ianto was.
"Where did you hear that?" asked Tosh curiously.
"Jack told me a little while ago, he was a little woozy from blood loss and wouldn't stop talking about stopwatches and Ianto's filthy mind."
Ianto frowned at Jack who just shrugged apologetically.
The two women chuckled and Tosh gasped, "now that I can believe!"
"So he's the perfect husband then, strong enough to protect you, sexy, good in bed, does all the DIY in here, kind..."
"He can cook" pointed out Tosh.
"He can?" said Gwen.
"He's cooked me dinner a few times and it was lovely" admitted Tosh. Jack had to squash down a pang of jealousy and remind himself that Ianto and Tosh were only good friends.
"And he can cook!" finished Gwen "good choice Tosh."
Tosh theatrically bowed, enjoying the light hearted banter.
"So you'd marry Ianto, shag Owen and chuck Jack."
Tosh thought for a second and nodded, "not that it's anything against Jack and Owen" she said.
"It's a game Tosh" Gwen said, "don't worry about it."
"What about you?" asked Tosh.
Gwen thought for a second "marry Ianto, like you said he's dependable, reliable, attractive...
Tosh nodded "and...?"
"Well I've kind of already...you know" said Gwen awkwardly.
Tosh covered up Gwen's embarrassment by saying "so you'd shag Jack and then chuck Owen over the cliff?"
Gwen nodded, "pretty much."
"Oi!" shouted Owen.
The two women froze, slowly turned in their chairs and looked up at the gangway. Tosh bit her lip as she saw that Owen looked livid but couldn't help but smile as she took in Jack's look of confusion.
"Why am I getting chucked over the cliff by both of you?" asked Owen angrily.
Gwen rolled her eyes, "only I chucked you Owen."
"Depending on Jack's manners in bed apparently" huffed Owen crossing his arms.
"Am I not marriage material?" asked Jack looking first at the girls and then at Ianto.
"I'm sure you are sir" said Ianto patting his arm gently and then making his way down the stairs, trying not to grin smugly.
"So why is Tea Boy marriage material then?" scowled Owen.
Ianto fought down the blush as Gwen replied, "did you not hear the list?"
"It's just a game Owen" said Tosh as she resumed typing.
"I can cook" protested Jack half heartedly.
Ianto reappeared with mugs of coffee and said "yeah, but you never do. It's a game Jack leave them alone; it'll teach you to stop ear-wigging if you don't like what you hear."
"Sod it" grumbled Owen, snatching his mug of coffee off of Ianto's tray and stomping off to the medical bay.
Ianto passed Jack his mug of coffee before moving away and handing the girls their mugs of coffee and two plates of chocolate biscuits.
"Ooh you little diamond" said Gwen, immediately dunking one of her biscuits.
"Thanks Ianto" Tosh said quietly before beginning to nibble on a biscuit.
Jack frowned "why can't I have any biscuits?"
Ianto took his own mug and shrugged "just trying to keep the potential wives happy."
"If Rhys wasn't around..." Gwen joked.
Jack practically glared at Gwen, provoking laughter from both her and Tosh and wrapped an arm around Ianto's waist, pulling him to his side.
Ianto just smiled and whispered into Jack's ear "besides, you won't want biscuits for what I have in mind."
"Oh yeah?" grinned Jack.
"Well I certainly wouldn't be throwing you off a cliff sir."
Jack grabbed Ianto's hand and said "ladies, always a pleasure" before practically dragging Ianto back into his office.
Needless to say, the team didn't see either of them for a couple of hours.