A/N Wow. My first story for Kuroshitsuji and I make it a parody. Of a romance novel, no less. Yea, that's right. I said novel.

Yes, this parody is not based off the movie, but the book, which is fairly identical to the movie; it just gives the characters more history and has more to the beginning than the movie. I just thought it would be a funny comparison, a man in black who can do anything always coming to rescue his fair maiden...or...not-maiden...or whatever we say Ciel is.

Warning: This story contains a LOT of SebaXCiel, one-sided AloisXCiel and Claude being an asshole. But hey, that's expected, no? Also, multiple references to other anime.

Disclaimer: If I owned it, it would be canon.

Chapter One – A History of Beauty

When Ciel was born, the most beautiful boy in the world was a French cook by the name of Francis. He has wavy blond hair and sparkling blue eyes, and caught the eye of all who passed, including the Duke who he worked for.

The Duchess, being the jealous type, tried and tried to find a way to make Francis ugly, but try as she might, he just became more and more beautiful. The Duchess had despaired of ever make the Duke forget about Francis and remember his wife when she discovered something strange, something wonderful. The French boy's fatal flaw, his weakness.


Suddenly, Francis found that everywhere he went, little chocolates were hidden. To the Duke's dismay, and the Duchess' great joy, he began to gain more and more weight, until his beauty had all but disappeared. But Francis never stopped smiling, and soon married to pastry chef, and led a long happy life with him. The Duchess, on the other hand, discovered the multiple affairs her husband was having – including one with her mother - and was never happy again.

When Ciel turned five, the most beautiful boy in the world was an Italian named Lovino, whose skin was such a shade of olive the likes of which had never been seen before. It was nothing short of absolutely perfect.

However, a dreadful bout of smallpox ravaged his whole family, and although Lovino remained alive to live out a happy life with his Spanish lover, that perfect skin of his was lost forever.

When Ciel turned ten, the most beautiful boy in the world lived in Poland, and was simply perfect in every sense. His name was Feliks. Every day, suitors lined up outside his door to ask for his hand in marriage.

Feliks preened in his beauty. "I have everything," he said. "Beauty, brains(?), riches, youth-" He paused. Youth. He wouldn't always have that. His brow did something it had never done before.

It furrowed. And the first crease of worry appeared on his forehead.

He worried and worried and worried, and before anyone had even realized what had happened, he had as many wrinkles on his face as someone twice his age. His only suitor left was his best friend.

When Ciel was 15, he had no idea what the order of beautiful people was, and in all honesty, he didn't really care. He had potential to be on the list, with eyes bluer than the Mediterranean Sea, and hair the colour of a winter's night. However, his face was constantly marred with a scowl, and his addiction to wearing pointless eye patches made him a rather imposing figure.

His butler was never scared of him. Then again, his butler was never scared of anything. His name was Sebastian, but Ciel never called him that. He had affectionately (read: SARCASM) named him "Butler Boy" and ordered him around. "Butler Boy, bring me my tea." "Yes, my Lord." "Butler Boy, polish my chess set." "Yes, my Lord." "Butler Boy, do this. Butler Boy, do that." "Yes, my Lord."

That was all he ever answered with. "Yes, my Lord." Just those three words. It would irritate Ciel to no end. "Is that all you know how to say, Butler Boy?" "Yes, my Lord."

They lived in the country of Florin, on the outskirts of town in a great big mansion made of gloomy stone and adorned with gargoyles. Mr and Mrs Phantomhive were the most boring people you would ever meet, Sebastian took care of the whole house by himself, because the only other servant was a decrepit old man named Tanaka. Ciel had a horse (named Horse, he wasn't very original) that he liked to ride, but apart from that, days were stiflingly boring. Ciel constantly prayed something would happen to take his mind off the dreariness of his life.

He immediately took that wish back the day the Count came to visit.

A/N Well, there you have it. Those of you who've read the book props to you! Those of you who haven't, go read it, I'm not doing it justice. (Although I am pretty close, hehe) And cookies go to the awesome people who recognize the other anime reference!

Reviews are the cats to my Sebastian~!