**WARNINGS**

Slash, drug/alcohol usage, & bad language.
Yes, there will be sex. Finally. ^_^

**DISCLAIMER**

No thanks, I don't own any characters.
The idea for the plot is mine, though, so hands off.

Reviews are love.

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"When she sang I answered the call, oh yeah
California, I'm fine somebody check my brain
California's all right somebody check my brain..."

~~Check My Brain by Alice In Chains

Chapter 1, Part 1
Something Wrong

Stupid girl. She was on top of him, panting and moaning as he kissed her. For some reason it disgusted him, made him want to vomit. Suddenly he was pushing her away, trying to calm her down, but she wasn't getting it. This wasn't doing it for him. This never turned him on, not even remotely. Lately nothing had really been turning him on—no girl, at least. Nobody. Now he was just left to let his mind wander as the stupid groupie had her way with him. Touching, kissing, fucking...whatever. Toki didn't care. She giggled, acted like the luckiest girl in the world, was completely oblivious to the fact that he had done this with five other girls today. He just smiled and closed his eyes as she pulled down his underwear. That's when his mind began to do something very odd. He couldn't help but to think that something was missing, something good and amazing and—hard?

He swallowed as she took his erection into her mouth, smiling stupidly. Suddenly he was picturing a very odd fantasy indeed. Toki cursed and his body became rigid as the image became clearer, burned itself into his brain. No, he thought desperately, trying to think of anything else other than that. Please, not now, not again. What the hell's wrong with me? "Fucks." he hissed aloud as the fan girl gave him the blowjob. Her eyes flickered up and stared at him intently, with some sort of morbid curiosity.

Toki looked away immediately, ashamed at what he was thinking; he wasn't imagining a girl at all, but something else. Something that could fill him, make him whole, really turn him on, and make him hard... "Fuck, just stops it." he ordered, pushing her off of him. "Just gets the fucks away from me."

The girl frowned, her bleach-blond hair falling over her bare shoulders. "What? But you were just about to-"

"Gets out." he insisted, quickly trying to pull up his pants. She reached for his hand, but he recoiled from her disgusting touch and glared at her.

"Please, I don't want to be mean, buts-"

"What the fuck is your problem?" she challenged, reaching for her bra. "Are you stupid or something? Don't you know how things work? I gave up a night with Skwisgaar Skwigelf for this?"

"I'm sorrys." Toki said, slightly ashamed with himself. "I just can'ts—it's nots you, my mind ams just...I..."

"Forget it." she said, getting up off his bed. "Fuck you. I can't believe this. I thought you wanted sex."

"Nots from you, now gets out now, please." He watched her storm out of his room. Once he was alone he sighed and relaxed a little, laid back on his bed, and shut his eyes. He needed a drink.

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Chapter 1, Part 2
Hostility

Toki came moodily into the kitchen just as the rest of the band members were sitting down to have a drink. As soon as he entered the room a thousand questions were asked of him, mostly coming from an infuriated Skwisgaar. "What the fucks ammnest your problem?" he demanded, glaring at his Norwegian friend. "I gets three sluts to goes up to your room today to fucks your brains out, and all you do is sends them away?"

"Fucks you!" was all he said as he went over and snatched the bottle of vodka that Pickles had been drinking. He stole a sip of it himself and hissed, "I don't needs you to tell me when to fucks!"

"Obvious you dos, because that ammnest the third time this week I've done this kinds of thing for you, Toki." the Swede said, crossing his arms over his thin chest. "I think we gots a problem."

"There ams no problem, dildo! Who I fucks and when I dos it isn't any of your business!" he spat hostilely, taking another deep sip from the bottle. Pickles frowned at this and tried to get the vodka back, but Toki wouldn't let him have it.

"Dude, drinkin' ain't a contest. Just give me back the booze so we can talk."

"I don't needs to talk, Pickle!"

"Then what the hell's your problem?" Nathan growled in his harsh voice. "You've been a total dick lately, and none of us know why. What the fuck's wro-"

"There ams not anything wrong!" he insisted. "I just ams tired of all the sluts!"

Murderface let out a groan. "Oh, I know what thish is about."

Some of Toki's anger seemed to disappear asked inquired, "You dos?"

"Yeah, it'sh about how you're shtill hung up about not finding a girl who can—what wash the thing you shaid?"

"Whats can bear my children?" he ventured to guess. The bassist nodded.

"Yeah, and it'sh okay if you can't find any girl to love you. Shometimesh we're jusht meant to be alone."

Pickles rolled his eyes. "Murderface, I don't think 'dat you're helpin' very much."

"Finds a woman?" Toki shook his head. "No, that ams not what this ams about."

"Dude, you ain't gatta lie." the drummer said, reclaiming his bottle of vodka and taking a large drink from it. "We all know 'dat you kinda feel bad 'cause things didn't work out for you and-"

"I don't wants a woman!" he howled. "I wants you guys to leaves me alone already! So what if I don't wants to screws stupid sluts no mores? How ams that your problem?"

"It ammnest my problem if you're in denial abouts it." Skwisgaar commented. "And besides, I don't thinks that you not feeling like fucking ammnest the problem."

"Then what do you thinks it ams?"

"Toki..." he began, his voice a low, concealed whisper as he leaned close to the Norwegian's ear. "...ammnest you know where things goes?"

"Ams I know what?"

"You knows..." he made an inappropriate gesture with his hands and repeated, "Where things go?"

A mortified look came across Toki's face as he pushed the Swede away. "Of course I dos!"

"Then what's your problem?" Pickles cut in, slamming his bottle down on the table in frustration. "You've been so Gad damned pissy lately that nobody even wants to be around you. How the fuck are we supposed to work on the stupid album if all you ever do is complain and get drunk?"

"Fucks you, that ams how!"

Nathan let out a loud, irritated sigh. "Look, Toki, we're just trying to help."

"Leaves me alone!" he said, glaring at them all. "I know what I ams doing and I know where everything goes!"

There was a brief moment of awkward silence before Skwisgaar suggested, "Okays, you knows how to stick your you-know-what into-sides of the ladies, so that ammnest not the problem. The problem ams just that you're horny and you haven't hads sex in a few weeks." he shrugged and said smartly, "See? I can reads you like the book, little Toki."

He stood there with his mouth open for a moment before shaking his head and replying, "No, that ams not the problem either, Skwisgaar."

"Then what ish?" Murderface demanded. "You're really shtarting to pissh me off with thish crap!"

"Fines! Fucks you all, then!" and he stormed out of the room. Once he had left, Nathan let out another annoyed sigh and glared down at his boots.

"Fuck this shit. Somebody's got to set that little prick straight."

"Abouts sex?" Skwsigaar inquired, arching a brow and grinning deviously. "I thinks if he ammnest still not clears about how that goes, then he needs more than ours help."

"What he needsh ish to jusht fuck a shlut or shomething." Murderface lisped. "We all get pisshy when we're horny."

"Hey guys, maybe we should leave it alone." Pickles suggested. "Maybe s'just nat our business."

Nathan narrowed his eyes at the drummer. "Are you kidding? The little fucker hasn't even been showing up to record lately, so we've had to push the date for the album back again and again..."

"Coulds takes shorter time if you just lets me records it." Skwisgaar muttered quietly. "I always just records over hims dildos playing anyways." Nathan ignored him.

"And if we don't sell any albums, then we don't make any money. That's when I start caring."

Pickles shrugged and drank some more. "Well all I'm sayin' is 'dat maybe nat everything should involve us. Toki's twenty years old, he can decide who he wants to fuck and when."

"But he's ruining the band!" Nathan growled. "And this is my fucking bad, so hell yes we're going to do something about it."

The drummer rolled his eyes and said under his breath, "Yeah, an' prob'ly make everything worse, like always."

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Chapter 1, Part 3
Curious Desires

Toki sighed as he threw himself onto his bed. This really was horrible. If the others were aware of his problems, then surely they were going to intervene some way. The only issue with this was that he just didn't want anyone to intervene; he didn't want to have sex with any more girls, period. How was that so wrong? He just couldn't get any more enjoyment out of fucking those groupies. It was boring to him. He wanted—needed-something else. Something was missing.

"Heeeey, Toki. Open up the fuckin' door." a voice said from outside in the hall.

He jumped and looked up. "Pickle, ams that you?"

"Yeah, now open up. We gatta talk."

Toki couldn't help but let a small smile come across his face. Out of everyone in the house, he really did feel the closest to the drummer. He didn't know exactly why for sure, but he supposed it was because Pickles had always served as a sort of protector since the day he'd come to America; when Skwisgaar was screwing with him, Pickles would stop him. When Nathan would cut out his recordings from the album, the drummer would object. When Rockzo would make his occasional, piss-and-cocaine-smelling appearances, Pickles was there to send him away. Yes, Toki really had come to respect him more than anyone else in the world.

"Comes in." he called, sitting up in his bed. In a second Pickles was closing his door and walking over to where he was sitting, a look of concern on his face.

"Toki," he began. "We've gat a problem."

He looked down and began picking at his nails. "Ja, I knows."

"Okay, 'den why don't you start?" Pickles ventured to ask, sitting down across from Toki cross-legged. "What d'you think the prablem is?"

"I ams confused." he admitted, feeling his heart begin to race. Would he dare tell the drummer his dilemma? What would he say? More importantly, what did it mean? Pickles shrugged nonchalantly, not pressuring him to say anything or to remain silent. He was neutral. That's what encouraged Toki to speak. "I just haven'ts been..."

"Horny?"

He shook his head and blushed deeply. Talking about this was so damn awkward, but it had to be done, and if not with Pickles, then with who? "Is...um..." he ran a nervous hand thru his long, brown hair and let out a shaky breath. "...wells, it ams about this things."

"Okay. What things?"

"It ams a really big, confusing thing."

"What is it?" the drummer asked curiously. "S'it about getting married and finding a girl? A real girl that you can have a family with?"

Toki shook his head. "Nos, not exactly. I thinks...I thinks I might be..." his voice trailed off and he didn't say anything for a long while. What did it really mean if he didn't like women anymore? Did it make him—his whole face paled at the thought. Was that even a possibility, or was it a horrifying reality? What if he really was...

"F'you don't wanna talk about it, it's cool." Pickles said, sliding off the bed and slapping Toki supportively on the shoulder. "I'll see you later, 'kay? Remember that we have that session in the studio tomorrow, so try to be there, alright?"

He nodded and quickly accepted this excuse to end the shameful conversation. "Ja, sures. Thanks, Pickle."

"No big deal." and he walked over to the door. Before he actually left, he turned and added, "And if you wanna talk, we're still cool, right?"

Toki gave him a innocent little smile and nodded. "Ja, we ams."

" 'Kay. See ya." and he left, just like that.

Toki listened to his footsteps echoing in the hall outside, and once they had disappeared he let out a frustrated cry and covered his face with a pillow. How stupid he was, how god damned stupid. A large part of him craved the attention the drummer was always willing to give him, but another part of him said it was wrong and just plain weird. Toki didn't understand it, not at all, because now he wasn't thinking of kissing a girl, he was thinking of kissing Pickles. He cursed and threw the pillow against the wall. A warm feeling was spreading thru him now. It began in his stomach and worked its way all the way down to his-

"Fucks." he said, looking down. Now he was ready, but there wasn't any stupid girl to screw? That was just about right. The truth was that even if there had been a girl right there, he wouldn't have touched her, because all he could think about now was Pickles and his kind, caring smile.

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**A/N**

Now that I'm back from my 'vacation', I'm re-energized and ready to get away from my family, enter my own slashy, slightly disturbing world, and resume my fanfics. Yays. Yes, it's been a looooong three days and two nights with my family. O_O Now I'm sleep-deprived and hungry for something other than Mickey D's, but oh well. Here's another Poki story.

In reference to the obnoxious disclaimer I typed at the top: No, I fully trust my amazing, awesome, and magically kick ass readers—love you all—not to steal my story ideas. I don't think in any way, shape or form that they would, but lately I've been noticing some...let's just say odd happenings going on and my confidence has been put in question...like I said before, I'm sure that nobody who reads and enjoys my fanfic would steal any of my plot ideas, but some people might be stupid, idiotic dildos who want me to report and/or block them, so yeah. There's always that one person, you know. -_- Please give this flowerchild some respect and love.

Now that all that boring rambling is out of the way, here's my usual closer—reviews are welcome and I hope you're enjoying and will continue to enjoy my story. Thanks for reading.

Peace, Love, & Merry Christmas