Prologue: Haruhi downunder
"Stop that right now"
"Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun"
"Stop it or you're not going" Hah, though Kyon, that'll shut her up.
"Oh fine, it's just the music from Jaws, what's so bad about it?" Haruhi looked at him indignantly
"I hate sharks; they ate my parents and stole my lunch. Just don't do it ok?"
"Fine," she spat the word out as if it offended her. Koizumi sighed
"What's wrong with you Koizumi, did you want to hear the Jaws music?" He looked across at Kyon with a smile.
"No not really, I'm just wondering why you two feel the need to fight about it." Kyon rolled his eyes,
"We're not fighting, I was simply asking that we don't have to sit through the soundtrack to a movie about a shark when we're about to go to AUSTRALIA"
"Why specifically Australia?" Asked Koizumi, "It'd be annoying no matter where we were going"
"Hey! Kyon why do you say it in caps?"
"What on earth are you on about Haruhi?"
"You said it like this: AUSTRALIA"
"I did? I had no idea"
"It's true" said Koizumi "But why specifically AUSTRALIA as you put it? What's so important about it?"
"Well if you must know it's because EVERYTHING there will be trying to kill us from the moment we get there. The sharks are the worst so don't remind me of them"
"What? Even the people?"
"ESPECIALY the people"
"Kyon! Don't be such a scaredy-cat! And don't be so serious either; you've started speaking in italics again"
"No... I have not!" Ah crap, thought Kyon, now I'm thinking like that.
"Oh no you've given it to the narrator Kyon! Well done!" as that narrator struggled to get the font under control Haruhi Kyon and Koizumi continued to bicker amongst themselves, until eventually we were able to secure everything some minor glitches in the system sir... to hell with the glitches let's just get down to the plot. Ok are we back online? The underline has gone erratic sir. Well try a full reboot then I can't write a story in size twenty now crash it and see what happens there' a good chap........
We apologise for any inconvenience caused by this minor system error caused by characters breaking the forth wall
"You act like this was my fault" Said Haruhi
SHUT UP AND GET BACK IN THE PLOT, DON'T MAKE ME TURN THIS AROUND AND HAVE YOU DIE AT THE END. Sheepishly she got back down and started talking to Kyon and Koizumi again.
"Not everything will try to kill us in Australia Kyon, just the spiders"
"THERE ARE SPIDERS! Oh god I knew I should never have left home."
"Now now Kyon that sort of attitude will turn you into a hikikomori"
"Fine, I'd rather be a loser than die a painful death at the hands of those unnatural THINGS
"WHat DID I TELL YOU ABOUT TALKING IN CAPS"
"Calm down Kyon, I'm sure we won't see any spiders."
"Easy for you to say, you're ridiculously rich, you can pay them not to bite you. Only people who can't pay the spiders get bitten that's why rich people never get bitten."
"Kyon you're being irrational, lighten up. After all it's lovely and warm in Australia."
"I'LL DIE OF HEATSTROKE"
"We could always change for a flight to Russia?"
"Are you mad? We could freeze to death!" Ok maybe The Narrator should step in; these three are waiting at an airport to leave to the magical land of Australia, one of the best continents for recycling that there is. No one's brought beer there in 100 years, just rented it. The reason they are going is because otherwise there would be no plot. Now, they're waiting in the terminal for their flight.
"So where are we going in Australia again Koizumi?"
"Kyon! Don't say things for the sake of exposition. We're going to Sidney, while we're there everyone but Haruhi is going to get wasted and have a good time racing wombats"
"Racing wombats?" Haruhi smiled at him
"It's an old Australian tradition! That and kangaroo boxing!"
"Where did you get your information on Australia from?"
"Psssh, as if you don't know anything about Australia, now shush."
"Flight 1337 to Sidney is now boarding" came the bold italicised and underlined announcement, so they got up and went to get on the plane. But then they got to the luggage scanners:
"Ok sir can I please have your bag to scan?" Said the weary looking airport worker.
"N...no sorry, I can't give you my bag" Said Koizumi nervously, he clutched his luggage to him and desperately held on to it when the attendant called security.
"OPEN THE BAG!" Scarred and frightened Koizumi opened the bag, and inside was:
"Holy crap Koizumi, were you actually bringing clothes or just this stuff?" The bag contained... well it was mostly weed, but there were various shapes and sizes of pills and...
"Koizumi! What the hell!" A stack of eroge.
"Wow dude, just wow. I mean I know you were messed up but this? This is barely funny!" At that point the worker got a phone call; he came back a few minutes later and said
"Alright you can go through, someone likes you kid they told me to let you do whatever the hell you want" He looked exasperated as Koizumi strolled smugly through the security gate and onto the plane. Kyon and Haruhi followed confused, as they got on Kyon tapped his bag and said
"Alright in there Nagato?" Nagato disliked heights, so the bag meant she wouldn't have to see any.
"Fine thanks, I will drink some of your water later if that's ok with you"
"Sure sure, don't suffocate though"
"Certainly" And with that the SOS brigade went to Australia.
A few hours later
"HAHA! We have arrived, time to enjoy the Australian air!" The SOS brigade got off, the fight had passed uneventfully and now Kyon began to look around afraid. Suddenly a huge tanned and muscular man leapt from the undergrowth and greeted them:
"G'DAY MATES, I'M JIM BUT EVERYONE CALLS ME JIMMY FOR SHORT, I'LL BE YOUR GUIDE, HOW THE BLOODY HELL ARE YA?"
"Very well thanks, I'm Haruhi, this is Koizumi and this guy doesn't have a name that can be pronounced in any known language so we call him Kyon"
"PLEASED TA MEET YA KYON, WELCOME TO THA LAND DOWNUNDER!"
"Dontouchme dontouchme dontouchme..." Kyon recoiled from his proffered hand, clearly fearing for his life
"AH WELL, LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND, THERE'S THE SIDNEY OPERA HOUSE" he yelled gesturing to his left "THERE'S THE HARBOUR BRIDGE, THERE'S AYERS ROCK, OUT IN THE HARBOUR'S THE REEF AND JUST ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE CITY IS CASTLE HILL"
"I thought Australia was bigger than that?" Jim gave him a funny look
"AH THAT, WE TOOK SOME PARTS OF IT OUT MATE, TOURISTS GOT BORED SEE."
"Is that all there is?" Said Haruhi
"PRETTY MUCH, OTHER THAN THAT WE'VE GOT KANGAROOS AND PLATAPODES"
"Y'KNOW, IT'S THE PLURAL OF PLATAPUS"
"I thought that was platapi or platapussies"
"Well if that's all there is I think we'll go home."
"FINE BY ME MATE"
And so the SOS brigade's trip to Australia came to a premature end.
Part 1: The Mummification of Suzumiya Haruhi
We pan past the Pyramids and the sphinx OF GIZA and yet:
Thebes, city of the living, crown jewel of Pharaoh Kyon the first. Home of Itsuki, High priest of Haruhi, keeper of the weird. Birthplace of Asahina Mikuru, Pharaoh's mistress, no other man was allowed to touch her.
We follow Mikuru, realizing that the tight form fitting dress she appears to wearing is actually her body that has been painted, some strange robed men follow here: Itsuki's Priests.
But for our love we were willing to risk life itself.
Itsuki and Mikuru met past a curtain, they embraced and begin to kiss voraciously, hungrily even, smearing her body paint. Kyon the Pharaoh burst in, he looked at the priests who were standing guard in front of the curtain the two lovers were behind.
"What are you doing here!" He yelled at them. The priests backed away, to scarred of Kyon to stop him, he moved through the curtain and saw Mikuru standing there alone giving him a sexy smile, he also saw the smeared body paint.
"Who has touched you!" He snarled. Then his dagger was pulled from its sheath He turned and saw Itsuki who plunged the dagger in to him,
"Itsuki... my priest." The Mikuru stabbed him through the heart with her own dagger, the robed priests bolted the door. As they killed him he screamed out in pain and terror. The doors that the priests were holding were rammed, the lovers exchanged desperate looks. One priest came running up to them
"Pharaoh's bodyguards!" more of Itsuki's bald robed men ran up to pull him away, he tried to run but he could not, then Mikuru took Kyon's dagger from his hands, touched his face and said
"Run, save yourself. Only you can resurrect me" and Itsuki Koizumi left. The doors flew open and Kyon's tattooed bodyguards burst in, they rip through the curtain just as Itsuki is hustled out of the room. Seeing Pharaoh's dead body and Mikuru they begin to advance menacingly. Mikuru screams:
"My body is no longer his!" And plunged the dagger she took from Itsuki into her own heart. Outside on the dark balcony, Itsuki's mouth formed a silent scream.
For murdering the Pharaoh, Asahina Mikuru's body was to be cursed and condemned in the afterlife. And it was I, as high priest, whose duty it was to curse it. Her body was mummified, her vital organs removed and placed in sacred canopic jars. The Book of the Living contained sacred incantations that would send the evil dead on a journey into the dark underworld.
Itsuki read from the book, Mikuru's body rose and a flash of light consumed it, then it fell back to that sand and was placed in a stone sarcophagus. The slaves who carried it were killed by soldiers, and the soldiers by Itsuki's priests. As the bodyguards who had observed left and were safely gone, Itsuki and his priest fell to the ground and began to dig up the grave.
5 minutes later
But there was another book that was never to be opened and never to be read. For it contained the incantations that would bring a dead person back to life, a most unholy thing. It was hidden in Hamunaptra, inside the statue of Anubis, so that no such sacrilege could ever disgrace Egypt.
In Hamunaptra Itsuki pulled the book from the secret compartment of the statue of Anubis, the book of the dead, made of black stone.
But for my love of Mikuru Asahina I am willing to defy the gods.
Itsuki and his priests summoned a swirling mist from the darkest pit in the temple of Hamunaptra, the mist dispersed over Mikuru's body.
Asahina's soul had returned to her body! Her vital organs were still fresh so there would be no need for a human sacrifice, all that was needed was to return them to their rightful places in her body. I raised the sacrificial knife to begin.
Then the Pharaoh's body guards burst in again and seized Itsuki and his priests. Their leader took a moment to smash the jar containing the beating heart of Mikuru Asahina, the mist rose out of her and he eyes closed, she died once more.
My priests were mummified alive, they went mad from the process, and I heard their endless screaming as I awaited my punishment. I was to suffer the Hom-D, a curse so horrible it had never been bestowed. They pulled out my tongue with a pair of tongs and cut it off, then I was wrapped in slimy bandages from head to foot, with only my mouth, nostrils and eyes exposed. Then they placed me in my sarcophagus and the embalmers brought buckets of scarabs, flesh eating scarabs. They were tipped over me, some entered my mouth and crawled down my throat. By eating the sacred scarabs I was doomed to live forever, and by eating me the same was true for them. I was to remain sealed in my coffin forever, the undead for all eternity
They would never allow me to be released. For I would arise a walking disease, a plague upon mankind, an unholy flesh-eater, with the strength of ages, power over the sands and the glory of invincibility.
And if I could raise my beloved Mikuru from her place in hell, together we would be an unstoppable infection upon this world forever. The apocalypse. The end.
And Itsuki Koizumi was buried beneath the statue of Anubis, in the city of Hamunaptra.
A/N: So does anyone else still remember The MUMMY? Cause if you don't you are seriously not going to get the above
Review if you like films about evil ancient Egyptians!