Disclaimer: Is not mine. I mean, the idea to stick these characters into this ridiculous insanity is mine, although I'm less than proud of it. But nothing else is mine.
Title: The Princess in the Tower
Summary: AU, obviously. Three different takes on the Rapunzel story; one each for Sam, Dean, and Cas. Crack!fic extraordinaire. Sam/Ruby, Dean/Lisa, Cas/Anna. But not really.
A/N: Umm… This is a crack!fic. Pure and simple, unadulterated crack on a stick. This is what happens when I'm sick and then they make Cas do weird things with MEG! My brain goes wonky.
Spoilers: Uhh, up through Caged Heat (also known as OMG AGH WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Clearly I didn't handle the Cas/Meg thing very well).
Rating: T, because… well, mostly just because.
Prince Samuel sat on his white horse, stared at his map, and muttered, "What the Hell… this is the last time I get directions from Ash."
Rumor had it that somewhere in the forest outside the kingdom of Lawrence, a beautiful princess was trapped in a tower, and only a prince could free her and defeat the evil Witch Lilith who had imprisoned her there.
Sam, having little to do while his older brother Dean went off on his own quest to help their neighbors, had decided to look into this princess-in-the-tower thing. He'd gotten directions from the Court Jester, Ash, who was actually usually smarter than everyone else. This intelligence, it seemed, did not transfer to giving directions.
"'Take the cube root of eighteen hundred paces north-northwest'…" Sam read incredulously, and then crumpled the map into a ball. "No. I don't do math anymore."
He was about to give it up as a lost cause and head back to the local tavern (called the Roadhouse), when he heard muffled yelling coming through the trees.
"Son of a… ow!"
"That sounds like a girl, and she could be in trouble!" Sam said to himself, and immediately took off toward the sounds of the yelling.
He found himself in a clearing, staring up at a polished white tower. He couldn't tell if it was made of ivory or marble, but it looked expensive.
As he stood beside it, a long brown rope of… something fell out of the window at the top of the tower. Before Sam could react, a pair of legs appeared in the window, followed by the rest of the girl that they were attached to.
"Uh, excuse me? Are you alright?" Sam called, standing slightly to the side so that he wouldn't accidentally see up her skirt, since he was a 'nice guy'. His brother wouldn't have had a problem with it, but Sam always felt bad about abusing his prince-privileges.
"Absolutely," the girl said, climbing down what Sam now realized was a rope of her hair that she'd cut off and tied to something in the tower-room. "Get out of the way, kiddo, you're blocking my exit route."
"Uhh…." Sam automatically took a step back, and then the girl – princess, he realized, as he saw the crown perched lopsidedly on the top of her head – landed on the ground beside him.
"You're a prince, then?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him.
"Yeah…" Sam said, surprised, since he wasn't wearing his crown. "How'd you–"
"Nobody but princes and the Witch show up around here," the princess said, picking up a pack that she'd clearly thrown out the window before she'd made her descent. "You are clearly not the Witch, ergo, you're a prince. Sorry, but you're a bit late. Got myself out, no need for your help."
"Uh… OK," Sam said awkwardly. "My name's Sam."
"I'm Ruby," she said, and then started walking away. "You might wanna clear out of here. Lilith is probably going to show up here pretty soon, and if she finds you here she'll have your head on a stick. She's that kind of a gal."
Sam stood there, like an idiot, and watched as she marched off into the forest.
"Well. That was anti-climactic," he sighed.
Still, on second thought, it was probably for the best, seeing as he was betrothed to Princess Jessica. She didn't seem the type to appreciate another Princess weaseling her way into Sam's life. Besides, Sam genuinely loved Jess. This Ruby girl seemed a little… well. Not his type.
Also, this whole Lilith-Witch thing… Sam didn't really want to get involved. Particularly since Lilith seemed to be an evil Witch.
Sam sighed, and turned his horse back towards Lawrence.
'Well, today was just a waste.'
Prince Dean muttered angrily to himself as he led his horse through the forest. It had thrown a shoe, and he had to get it to a blacksmith to be re-shod before he could continue on his quest.
Although, really, it wasn't like he liked this stupid quest. He had to go find some crazy old hermit in the woods named Joshua and get him to help out with the disaster in the neighboring kingdom of Heaven (which was really just a stupid name for a kingdom, in Dean's opinion). But, since Dean was friends with the Prince of that kingdom, he felt obligated to help out when an evil wizard turned the king into a frog, and then made him disappear. Especially since not finding him would mean that Prince Castiel would have to start running the kingdom, leaving him much less time for hanging out with Dean and his kid brother Sam. That was unacceptable in Dean's eyes. So here he was, wandering around, looking for the hermit Joshua who would help him find the evil Wizard Alastair who was clearly working for someone higher up…. Dammit, some days Dean's life just sucked.
As if to compound the suckage of this particular day, a small, hard ball, the kind small boys tend to play with, came flying out of nowhere and hit Dean in the head.
Luckily, it had almost run out of momentum, and only hit him a glancing blow, or it could have caused some serious damage.
"What the Hell?" Dean yelled, snatching up the ball and glaring around suspiciously. "Who threw that?"
"Sorry!" a young boy's voice yelled from farther into the woods. "Didn't know anyone was out there!"
"Yeah, well, you should still be… careful…." Dean trailed off as he walked towards the voice, and saw where it was coming from.
"Who builds a tower out in the middle of nowhere?" he muttered to himself.
There was a window at the top of the tower, and a boy of about ten years old was half-hanging out of it, waving a cheerful hand at Dean. "Can you throw the ball up here?"
"Uhh, alright?" Dean said hesitantly, and proceeded to do so.
"Thanks!" the boy called.
"Ben, who are you talking to?" a woman's voice came from inside the tower, and then she appeared in the window.
She was clearly a Princess, with the crown and everything, and was one of the prettier Princesses Dean had seen in his life. And he'd seen far more than his fair share of them.
"Hello," he said, grinning up at the Princess. "And who are you?"
"I'm Lisa, and this is Ben," she said, eyeing him warily. "Are you a Prince?"
"You bet. My name's Dean," he said cheerfully.
"Perfect!" Lisa cried, and then vanished back into the tower.
Before Dean could do more than raise an eyebrow in confusion, she appeared with a long rope of… oh, God, was that hair? It was, wasn't it.
"Uh, is that a… a hair rope?" Dean asked hesitantly. Pretty didn't always mean sane, after all. He'd met his fair share of crazy pretty Princesses. Like that one girl, Meg, who'd basically stalked his little brother, and then latched on to Cas like a crazy evil bitch-thing….
"Yes, it is," Lisa said brightly, dragging Dean's attention back to the matter at hand. "Since you're a Prince, you must be here to rescue us!"
"Sure, I guess," Dean said, watching in confusion as she lowered the hair-rope and tied one end of it to something in the tower. "You've been put there by a Witch, or something?"
"It's a long story," she said as the boy started to climb down the rope. "But you can get Ben out of here! You can save my son!"
"Well, yeah, I can save you both–" Dean began.
"No! Save Ben! Get my son out of here. The… the thing that trapped us here, it called itself a Changeling, but it doesn't care about him, it just cares about me. If you get Ben away safely, and I stay here, then it won't come after you, and you can save Ben!"
"Mom, we can all get out of here together," Ben said. "You don't have to–"
"Ben, don't argue with me. You have to get out of here," Lisa pointed dramatically at Dean. "You have to save my son! Save Ben!"
"OK, I will," Dean said as Ben got to the ground. "But, you know, you could come too."
"No! I told you! It wants me, not Ben," she glared at him, and then flung her hands in the air. "Save my son, Prince Dean!"
"Alright, how about this?" Dean said, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. "I bring Ben back to my castle, where he's safe. He stays there, with all the guards and my obnoxious kid brother Sam, and I come back here tomorrow and save you too? That alright by you?"
Lisa paused, considering. "I… I suppose so. As long as you promise to keep–"
"Yeah, keep Ben safe, I know," Dean nodded reassuringly. "Don't worry, nowhere is safer than Lawrence!" 'Usually,' he thought to himself, remembering how his mother had died when he was little. But that had no bearing on the present situation. The yellow-eyed thing that had killed her was dead, long dead. And Lawrence was safe.
"Alright then," Lisa said anxiously. "Come back tomorrow?"
"Absolutely," Dean grinned cheerfully. "See you then?"
Lisa nodded, and then cried out, "Goodbye, Ben! Be safe!"
"OK, Mom," Ben said, clearly stifling the urge to sigh and roll his eyes. "See you tomorrow."
'Never fails,' Dean thought to himself as he and Ben started the walk back towards Lawrence, and the blacksmith for his horse Impala. 'The pretty ones are always crazy.'
Prince Castiel stared at the amulet in his hand, frowning intently. Nothing happened.
"Damn it," he muttered, and glared at it before shoving it back into his pocket.
"Excuse me?" a voice called from above him.
He looked up hurriedly, thinking that maybe the amulet didn't find his father, maybe it summoned him, but then frowned in disappointment.
There was a tower next to him, which he hadn't noticed before now. One of the downsides of concentrating so closely on that necklace was that he usually didn't really notice where he was going, so he had no idea where he was or how he'd gotten there.
Leaning out of the window at the top of the tower was a girl. She had pale skin, and long, long red hair, and she was waving her hand frantically.
"Are you here to save me?" she asked hopefully.
"Why are you in a tower?" Cas retorted, puzzled.
"I refused to obey my father's wishes. He wanted me to marry this creepy old man who was basically rotting away as he stood there, and I said no, so he locked me in here," the girl said, looking sad. No, not just a girl; Cas finally noticed the little crown on her head, and realized she had to be a princess.
"Ah," he nodded. "Well, that is fair, I suppose. You should have obeyed your father."
"What?" her head jerked up.
"Obedience to one's father is always important," Cas said firmly, and then turned to go.
"Wait! Where are you going? Aren't you going to help me escape?" she called anxiously.
"Why would I do that?" Cas asked, genuinely confused. "Your father put you there for a reason."
"But… but you're supposed to!" she protested. "You're supposed to ride up, and save me, and then we ride off together on your horse… which I'm going to assume you just left somewhere nearby… and we ride off together on your horse into the sunset to get married!"
"Oh," Cas frowned again. "No, sorry. I can't do that. And I don't have a horse."
"Why not?" she asked, waving her arms in the air.
"Look, whatever-your-name-is, I have things to do. I have to find my father, who's been turned into a frog by a demented wizard who likes to torture people. I don't have time for this. If I don't find him soon I'll have to start ruling the kingdom in his place, and I really don't want to."
"My name is Anna, and you can't just leave me here!" the princess wailed.
"If it's that important, I suppose I can either send one of my friends later, or come by again after I find my father," Cas said reluctantly. "But can't you get yourself out?"
Anna stared blankly at him.
Cas waited for a moment, and then sighed. "Never mind. I have to go now. Goodbye."
He turned, pulled the magical-amulet-that-would-help-him-find-his-father-the-frog out of his pocket again, and started walking away, oblivious to Anna's yells and pleas.
'Princesses in towers are getting weirdly common,' he thought to himself as he walked. 'I wonder if it's a side-effect from Father getting turned into a frog?'
A/N: Ahh, that was fun. Sam's story didn't really cooperate that well, though. I wanted it to seem more… pathetic, on his end. Cuz he seems like the type who'd swoop in and save the girl, so I thought this time the girl would save herself. Plus, as much as I hate, loathe, despise, wish to kill, and generally dislike Ruby, she doesn't strike me as the kind of girl who would sit around and wait for a prince to save her. I also don't like Lisa, although I don't hate her as much as I hate Ruby. I hate Ruby almost as much as I hate Meg, which is saying something after that stupid episode…. ANYWAY. I always thought Lisa was annoying, especially in the new episodes when she kicks Dean out for 'shoving Ben'! COME ON! Dean was turning into a vampire! She's lucky he didn't KILL HER WHERE SHE STOOD! Ahem. And Anna always bugged me too, especially when she wanted to kill Mary and John. I have a problem with many of the female characters of this show.
Anyway, the point of this stupidly long author's note that nobody will read IS, I had ridiculous amounts of fun with this, although that could be the Nyquil talking. Hope you enjoyed it too!