[[A/N Ok, this was written at the end of a very horrible day for me. I felt like killing someone (literally) but since that's illegal where I live I've settled for killing people who are 1)already dead and 2)not even real]]
He drew the blade across his already scar riddled arm. The pain felt good, like taking a breath of fresh air after being under water too long. The tears that stung in his eyes weren't those of pain but he could quite place the emotion behind them.
A sudden knock on the door made him come to his senses.
"Just a minute," he called in the direction of the door as he rushed into his small bathroom to grab a paper towel. He wrapped it around his arm and carefully drew his sleeve over it before rushing to answer the door.
"Hey," Mello said from the other side of the threshold. "I bought you some smokes."
"Thanks," Matt replied, already aware that the blood had began seeping through his makeshift bandage. "Um, I'll be out in just a sec, I need to... get changed."
"Ok, I'll meet you by the benches," Mello said, blissfully unaware that his best friend had other ideas of what 'getting changed' meant.
As soon as Matt knew it was safe to do so, he pulled his first aid kit from under his bed. He took out his alcohol wipes, absorbent pads, surgical tape and a bandage. When he had decided that there was no risk of the wound, which was deeper than he first thought, getting infected he began to dress it.
First he cleaned the area using the wipes. Then he proceeded to cut four strips of the surgical tape, attaching two to the absorbent pad. Gently, he covered the wound and using the rest of the tape secured it before wrapping the whole dressing in the bandage.
When he'd finished dressing his wound he quickly changed into a striped sweater and a pair of baggy pants before rushing down to the benches to meet Mello.
Mello tossed him a pack of cigarettes and watched him quietly as he lit one up.
"How stupid dip you think I am?" He asked, as Matt took his first drag.
"Well you're second in the rankings," Matt replied as he exhaled. "You can't be that stupid."
"Then why do you think lying to me is going to work?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Matt said as he took a deep drag on the cigarette.
Mello rolled his sleeves up to the elbow and showed Matt the underside of his forearms. He had deep scars running from his wrist to his elbow. "I know the signs Matt, the first aid kit, the razors, you don't even shave."
"Dunno what you mean," Matt replied defensively as he crushed out his cigarette.
"Just talk to me about it, it helps, honestly. And if Roger finds out about nit he's gonna send you to the shrink and trust me, they don't really care. I do."
"Mello, seriously, I'm fine."
"No, you aren't Matt. If you were fine, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I'm worried about you and as much as I want to help you, you just won't let me."
"I don't need help, Mello, I don't need to drag you down in to the deep dark hole I'm trying to fight my way out of. To me this is like Linda's art. She uses drawing to express herself, I use this. It's the only way I still know I'm truly alive, that I'm not just in some dream world. I don't want you to worry about me because there's nothing to worry about."
"Just promise me if it gets too deep you'll come to me, I've been there, Matt. I know how it feels to be alone," Mello said the desperation in his voice evident.
"Sure, sure." Matt replied.
"I need to go to the library, I have some homework I need to finish, I'll see you in class this afternoon, ok."
"Sure, sure," Matt repeated to Mello's retreating back. Slowly he lit another cigarette and smoked it quickly, the resolution forming quickly in his mind.
When Matt got back to his room he pulled of his sweater and looked at the scars on his arms. Some were faded white and some were still red. He picked up the razor blade from this morning and looked at it. His resolve hadn't faltered, it was now or never.
Being ever considerate, he decided the shower was the best place for his plan to take place, 'Less mess,' he thought. He began to run the shower before taking his clothes off. The shower was hot, but bearable. He climbed in and sat on the floor, forgetting he still had the razor in his hand he was confused at the pinkish tint to the running water. Realisation hit him and he laughed quietly to himself. He inhaled deeply. 'Just like a piercing,' he thought 'a deep breathe in and it will all be over.' He breathed deeply as he pressed the blade to his wrist. 'Now or never.'
With a quick sweep he felt the flesh between his wrist and elbow tear. It didn't hurt, but he knew the pain would eventually come. It always did. Quickly before he lost control of his arm he did the same to the other arm and quietly he did the math in his head. He had roughly three hours before anyone one would need to come looking for him. It wasn't unusual for him to be alone in his room between classes so no one would think it was out of the ordinary.
He tried to twitch his fingers, the response was less than successful, he had cut deep enough to damage the nerves. He was beginning to feel cold, he wished he could turn the temperature of the shower up, but that was impossible now. He thought about the pack of cigarettes in his pocket. What a waste of money, he thought. Mello would be pissed. He could see the emotion in his eyes now, the deep blue... or were they green... he couldn't remember. He tried to think of other things. He hadn't made his bed this morning, which would be embarrassing. He wasn't wearing boxers, which would be even more embarrassing, although there was nothing he could do about either of those things now.
He thought about Mello realising he'd broken his promise to go to him if things got worse. The blonde... was he blonde? Maybe he was a brunette. Matt couldn't remember. He couldn't remember much now. His eyelids felt heavy but he didn't want to close them. He knew he was fighting a losing battle, but that had been his life so far. A battle he was constantly losing.
'This isn't right,' he thought suddenly. 'When you die, you're life is meant to flash before your eyes, all I've done is think about things. No flashing of anything.' It couldn't be helped though. He was surprised there was still no pain, maybe he had gone past the point of feeling. He tried to bring Mello's face to his mind, the only person who had cared about him in God only knows how long, but he couldn't. The hair colour, the shape of his face, everything eluded him. He couldn't even remember his own name. He was slipping deeper into unconsciousness now, yet he still refused to close his eyes.
He was so cold. It could barely be possible, the shower had been almost unbearably hot to begin with. Each time he blinked he felt his eyelids protest to the opening again. Each time it took longer to open them. Maybe he would just give in. Let the painless oblivion take over until it was truly over.
He could really use a cigarette right now he thought. The darkness began to engulf him. This was it. He could fight no longer. He closed his eyes and suddenly everything was so clear, the things he couldn't remember before were as clear as day.
Mello, his blonde haired, blue eyed devil in disguise, that was all he saw. And for the final time, Mail Jeevas smiled.
[[it was so much better than this, but me, being the idiot I am, closed the document without saving *FacePalms* Anyhoo, as always, R&R]]