a/n This is a collaboration between GemmaH and beckybrit. We've had this idea for some time now and decided we might as well give it a shot. Hope you like it!

Disclaimer: Everything Twilight related belongs to SM.

Grumpy Old Vamps

Chapter 1 : The Meeting


Ok, introductions first I guess. My name is Bella Swan. I'm 17 years old and I live in Forks, Washington with my father, Charlie. Charlie is the Chief of Police here in Forks. I only moved here to live with my father pretty recently, before that I lived with my mother in Phoenix, Arizona. If I'd known what was ahead, I am sure I'd have opted to stay there.

My boyfriend is Edward Cullen. The most important thing you need to know about Edward? He's a vampire. No, no! Don't panic, he's a good vampire. I know, right? Who knew. Apparently vampires can live off animals. His family are really rich and beautiful, but for some reason he's chosen plain old Bella Swan to become infatuated with. This is a cautionary tale. I promise, once you read this, you'll never introduce your vampire boyfriend to your father again.


Straight A students had to study, right? Yeah, that's what I'd been telling my boyfriend Edward every time he complained about me having my nose in a textbook. I'd finally relented and told him he could come over to my place while I studied. He hadn't been to my house before, and I deliberately chose a time when I knew my father, Charlie, would be out fishing so I didn't have to worry about how their first meeting might go. Looking back, I wondered if I may have had a premonition about what was to come.

There was a knock at the door. I pulled it open and there stood Edward, looking as beautiful as ever. My heart sang in my chest as he walked in and bent to kiss me. Our lips had only been locked for a moment when Edward's head snapped up. He closed his eyes as he inhaled deeply, his nostrils flaring.

"What is that smell?" he asked me wondrously, opening his eyes again as he gazed at me. I smiled, pleased that he'd noticed.

"Oh! " I exclaimed, smiling. "That's 'Voluptious' by Kim Kardashian. Renee sent it to me." I thrust my wrist under his nose. "Ha! 'Sent', get it? It's perfume and she 'sent' it to me!" I cracked up laughing at my unintentional pun. When I looked up at Edward though, he was less than amused, his nose wrinkled in disgust.

"Not that!" he snapped in an annoyed tone, pushing my wrist away. I rolled my eyes at his sudden mood swing and turned to head back to the kitchen where I'd been studying.

I sat down at the table and tried to remember where I'd gotten up to.

"Have you finished the Romeo and Juliet essay, Edward?" He didn't reply. "Edward?" I turned, my eyes searching the space for him. I found him quickly. He was standing next to the row of coat hooks, his face buried in my father's police jacket.

"Um... Edward?" I asked, putting my pencil down and starting to get up from the table. "What are you doing, exactly?"

Before I could take a step towards him, he was by my side, moving so quickly he was almost a blur.

"You know it make me nervous when you do that, I don't like it." I crossed my arms over my chest emphasising my displeasure. He leaned in, his cold nose skimming my jaw, finally coming to rest just below my ear where his tongue flicked out to taste me.

"How about this? Do you like this?" He whispered, his cold breath tickling my neck.

"Mmhmm..." was about all I could manage to get out. I knew he was trying to distract me from his odd behaviour before, but I honestly didn't care. So he sniffed my Dad's clothes, let's face it, it's not the weirdest thing he does in the big scheme of things. I lost my train of thought completely as he began to nuzzle down my neck to my collarbone, pausing to gently suck the skin there.

I forgot all about studying, which I know was his intention when he came round here today. I slid my arms up around his neck and jumped to wrap my legs around his waist. He caught me easily, being super strong and all that, and walked backwards until I was perched on the kitchen counter, with Edward nestled between my legs. He lifted his head up and captured my lips in a searing kiss, I returned it with interest but was careful to keep my tongue away from his sharp and venomous teeth. His hands moved down to grab my ass and he roughly pulled me closer to him. I could feel his arousal as he pushed against me; he was so fucking hard and needed no recovery time. "Mmm..." I sighed. There were certainly perks to going out with a Vampire.

He released me quickly and stepped back, I looked at him incredulously, was he serious? I was just getting started!

"Charlie's home." He offered by way of explanation. "I'll leave by your window and be back later."

Before I had time to reply he was gone and I heard Charlie coming in the front door. Damn cock-blocking father!

"Hey, Bells," my father greeted me. "The fish weren't biting today, so I thought I'd come home and spend some time with my daughter."

"That's great, Dad." I tried to muster a smile and failed miserably. My lower half still throbbed from Edward's ministrations and I tried to subtly rub my thighs to alleviate some of the ache.

"Are you ok, Bella? Do you need the toilet?"


I looked up to see Charlie staring at me with an odd expression on his face.

Oh crap!

Not as subtle as I had hoped. I felt my face burn with mortification and I quickly scooped up my books and almost ran out of the room.

"Just going to finish my homework upstairs, ok?" I shouted to him as I stumbled up the stairs. I didn't wait to hear his reply. I hurried into my room and shut the door, collapsing on my bed in a heap. This was all Edward's fault!


I stayed in my room for the rest of the evening, feigning illness when Charlie had knocked on my door to ask where his dinner was earlier on. I finished my homework and waited impatiently for Edward to return. Pacing quietly around the room, I prayed that Edward would not be much longer; I was still worked up from my earlier interaction with him. My prayer went unanswered, the time seemed to drag on and on. I let out a deep sigh of frustration and decided to take a quick shower before bed. I could do with a little tidying up down there, so a shower seemed the perfect solution.

I finished up in the bathroom and after realising I'd left all my clothes in my bedroom, I wrapped myself up in one of the big fluffy towels that Charlie liked so much and hurried back to my room. I slipped inside and gently closed the door behind me. I turned around towards my bed and almost jumped three foot in the air!


I would have screamed too, but he shot off the bed and clamped his hand over my mouth.

"You scared the shit out of me!" I grumbled behind his hand.

"Evidently," he smirked at me, removing his hand.

"I told you I was coming back," he said, returning to his earlier position on my bed. "Charlie went to bed early, so I thought I'd come in and wait for you."

His eyes scanned the length of my body and I felt the familiar stirring deep in my belly.

"Come here, Bella." He beckoned me over with his delectably long fingers. I loved his fingers.

"I love it when you're all wet," he said, licking his lips and grinning at me. I blushed as usual, knowing full well he didn't mean just from the shower.

When I reached the bed he grabbed the front of my towel and pulled me down on top of him.

"I don't have long tonight, so we will have to be quick." Before I had chance to answer, he'd flipped me onto my back, whipped off my towel and had his face buried between my thighs.

"Holy shit!" I cried out. "You're weren't joking."

He raised his head slightly and I whimpered at the loss of contact, cursing my stupid self for speaking.

"I didn't want to waste our time together. Would you like me to stop?" He raised a quizzical eyebrow at me, already knowing that there was no way I would stop him.

"God no, please don't—"

He was back inside me before I could finish my sentence.

"Arghh!...fuck..." I muttered, quickly reduced to an incoherent mess by his very talented tongue. He licked and nibbled until I was breathing heavily and had a death grip on his hair.

When he slipped two fingers inside me I was done for and had to bite my lip so I didn't cry out. He continued to pump in and out while I rode out my orgasm, using his tongue to capture everything I gave him. When my breathing eventually returned to normal, he removed his fingers and sucked them clean.

I noticed the very prominent bulge in his jeans and moved my hand to stroke the length of it. He hissed softly and placed his hand on top of mine.

"Not tonight beautiful, I need to go."

"But it's so hard," I whined, really wanting to suck his big hard cock, but he wasn't having any of it.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of it later," he said, getting up from the bed and moving towards my open window. The thought of Edward 'taking care of himself' was enough to make me aroused all over again.

"Bella, please!" He frowned down at me as if he was angry, but I could see the dark, hungry look in his eyes. "You are making it even harder for me to leave."

My gaze instinctively moved to his crotch and I sniggered. Yeah, I'd made it harder all right.

"Sorry," I said, releasing his ankle and pulling myself up from the floor where I'd thrown myself, even though we both knew I wasn't sorry really. I had separation issues when it came to Edward.

"I have to go." With that, he leaned in and gave me a quick kiss before disappearing into the night.

Satisfied and sleepy, I snuggled into my pillows and was out like a light.


Before I left Bella's house, I slipped back inside the front door and followed the amazing smell from earlier, to the coat rack in the hall.

"Mmmm!..." I found the jacket and inhaled deeply. Bella's scent was amazing and drove me wild, but this smelled like her, only ten times stronger. My mind swam as I buried my nose in the material, letting the scent wrap itself around me. I heard movement from upstairs; Charlie had just woken up and was on his way to the bathroom.

I was out the door and deep into the forest before he even made it out of his room. As I ran through the forest back to my house, I realised with more than a little dread that I was still clutching Charlie's jacket.

Oh Shit.

Bella would freak if she found out. I would have to hide it somewhere for tonight and try and sneak it back into her house the next day. I knew she had work tomorrow and Charlie should be at the station, so I would return it then. With my plan formed, I rushed up to my room when I arrived at the house, to hide the offending article until I could return it.


I set off to Bella's house a little after nine in the morning the following day. Sure enough her truck was not in the driveway, and neither was the Chief's cruiser.

I jogged up to the door and was about to enter, when I detected the distinct beating of a human heart and fuck me, the most delicious smell I had ever encountered. It looked like the Chief was home after all.

I turned to go, but that smell kept me glued to the porch steps. Maybe I could say I was here for Bella, just get a little hit of his scent and then leave. Yeah, I could do that. I stepped up to the front door, knocked and waited.

"I'm coming. Just a minute," Charlie shouted from inside. A couple of minutes later, he opened the door, appraising me with the seasoned eyes of a cop.

"Can I help you, son?"

"Is Bella in? I'm Edward, Edward Cullen." I offered him my hand to shake, and although he looked a little wary, he took it.

"I'm afraid she's at work. Can I help you with anything?" he asked, frowning as I pressed the palm that had just shook his, against my nose and inhaled deeply. I was aware that I was acting very fucking strangely, but I couldn't stop myself. He was so…mouth-watering.

I wanted to prolong this just a little more, so I thrust the jacket at him and told him that Bella had left it in my car and I was returning it to her.

"Mmm. That's my jacket, wonder why she had it?" he said, thinking out loud. "But more importantly, Edward," he said, narrowing his eyes at me. "What was she doing in your car? I think you'd better come in for a minute, so we can have a nice little chat."

Oh fuck! This wasn't going how I had planned, at all.

I reluctantly followed him inside and tried not to breathe now that I didn't have the fresh air to dilute his delicious scent. Leading me into the kitchen, he turned to face me. He started speaking about Bella and how she had not mentioned anything about me, but all I could focus on was the throbbing vein in his neck.

I watched, transfixed as the blood pulsed so tantalizing close to the surface. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, but I ignored it. Venom pooled in my mouth and before I'd registered that I was moving, I found myself attached to Charlie's neck, my razor sharp teeth embedded in his skin. The hot, sweet blood flowed down my throat and I'd swallowed twice before reality came crashing in. I dropped Charlie like he was on fire and sprang back against the wall, watching as he began to writhe in agony.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I'd just bitten Bella's fucking father. I was quite sure this was not how she intended our first meeting to go. She was going to be so pissed. I felt my phone vibrate again and I didn't need to look at the screen to see who it was.


I answered the call this time and was met by laughing on the other end.

"Ooh, you are in so much trouble, Eddie," she said, before bursting out laughing again.

"It's not fucking funny, Alice," I spat. "And don't call me Eddie. What the fuck am I going to do?"

"Carlisle says you need to bring him back here," she replied, and then the line went dead.

"Goodbye to you too, Alice," I huffed.

With a resigned sigh, I scooped up Charlie, flung him over my shoulder and started off running back to my family. I could only imagine the shit storm that was waiting for me there!