I wrote this for the Fandom for Preemies fundraiser. It was a great cause and I was proud to be a part of it.
Thanks to jennde who beta'd this for me and Jen328 and Chele the Original for pre-reading and making sure E was just creepy enough. :)
Also, thank you to Moonlit Wishes for the awesome banner!
I didn't even know why I was acting like a fucking love sick teenager.
Well, I guess I knew the reason.
It all started junior year of high school. She moved to Forks, Washington and took over my world completely. She was beautiful, sweet, kind, and my lab partner both junior and senior years. I sat back and watched as she got asked out constantly and consistently said 'no'. I watched her, talked to her, laughed with her, and fell in love with her.
Bella didn't care that I wasn't cool or that I was the only kid in Forks that could be considered a criminal and a geek. She didn't care that her dad arrested me for breaking and entering when I tried to rework the computers at school, trying to set all the screensavers to a picture of a naked Mike Newton and Jessica Stanley under the bleachers.
Bella wasn't allowed to be alone with me for about a month after that.
I had to tell the Chief that Jessica was being a bitch to Bella, and I was just paying her back. He didn't really like my approach, but he could see where I was coming from. Then he asked me why I chose to involve Mike; since I was computer savvy, I could have cut him out of the picture. I said the first thing that came to mind.
"That fucker likes Bella, and I don't like him."
Charlie rolled his eyes at my language and at my logic, and told me I could see Bella again.
I became completely devoted to her. She never knew, but I hung on her every word and her presence made life in Forks bearable.
Then on graduation night, she dropped a bombshell on me.
Then she left.
"Edward? Can I talk to you for a minute?"She tugged my arm, making me follow her.
"Sure, what do you need? Protection from that asshole Newton?"
She laughed and shook her head. "Ummm, no. You know that he gave up a long time ago. I wanted to tell you something."
I leaned against the outside of the gym. It was after graduation, so everyone was leaving or had already gone. I smiled when as I took in Bella's appearance. She looked so beautiful. Alice had dressed her in a cream colored top and a midnight blue silk skirt that was flowing around her legs.
"You can tell me anything, you know that. I mean, that's what I'm here for, right?"I said softly.
She started wringing her hands together in front of her, looking up at me with tears in her eyes. I didn't know what to do. I had no idea what she was about to tell me, so I braced for something fucking awful.
"Edward, I'm going to say this real fast and then you can say whatever you want. I just need to get is out without stopping because I know I won't have the nerve to do it again."
I nodded for her to continue and she took a deep breath.
"I love you, Edward. I have for so long. I know that you probably don't see me like that and it's all right. I just needed you to know. It seemed like a couple of times you came really close to maybe saying something, but then you stopped. I wanted you to know that I waited for the last two years and nothing happened. I tried so many times to get you to come out with me or do something, and you always turned me down. I'm leaving tomorrow for Jacksonville with Renee. I won't be back until right before school starts in Seattle. I know you're going to UW, too. If you change your mind at all, please look me up."
I was completely shocked. I went back over every time she invited me out. She was right. There was always that look of disappointment in her eyes when I said no. The girl asked me to fucking prom last month and I turned her down. I didn't go at all. I sat at home and moped, thinking how Bella would never go for a spaz like me.
What the fuck was I doing? She just said she loved me and I couldn't even form words. I had been in love with her since she called me out on my wannabe rebel status, saying "Wow, you must be quite the delinquent, Edward. I hear all the kids in juvie drive Volvos."
I opened and closed my mouth at least five times, willing the confession of my love to fall from my lips before she turned and walked away.
I let my body slide down the wall and I wrapped my arms around my legs. I couldn't believe I let her walk away.
I told Em and Jazz what happened and they told me to get my shit together and get on a plane to Jacksonville. I didn't, and when school started they begged me to go her dorm. I couldn't. It made things pretty uncomfortable for them because they were still dating Rose and Alice, Bella's best friends.
Still, I never called or went to see her. I was a coward. I mean, who lets the girl they love walk away? I just couldn't face her after that, and I figured that she'd probably moved on. A girl as beautiful as Bella didn't stay single long, especially in college.
It didn't stop me from thinking about her, though. I wrote her letters once a week, explaining how I thought about her, how I loved her, and how maybe one day I would man up and confess these feeling to her.
I wrote of our connection and how I hadn't felt alive since the last time I spoke with her, and that her words buoyed me and kept me breathing. In pain-staking detail, I described why I loved the way she laughed.
In so many letters I told her I was sorry and that I only wanted her happiness. I signed each letter "Yours Eternally."
I never truly realized how creepy it sounded until later.
Before I knew it, I had started the fall semester of my sophomore year at UW, and I still hadn't spoken to Bella. I had managed to avoid her around campus, but I still wrote weekly letters, and had also taken to drawing her from memory. Not in a pornographic way, in a highlighting her features kind of way.
All of my avoiding and hiding was destroyed on the first day of classes, though.
I needed to take a Biology course this semester, so I took the one Jasper recommended because he said it was easy. I cut it close on the first lab day and lo and behold, the only seat fucking available is beside a mahogany haired goddess.
"Fuck me," I breathed.
She glanced up with those rich chocolate brown eyes and gasped.
"Oh my God, Edward!"
She jumped up from her seat and hugged me tightly. I was completely unprepared for the rush of emotion that hit me when she did that. I was surrounded by her warmth and scent. Strawberries and vanilla.
"I've missed you so much!" She slapped my shoulder lightly. "You could have at least called me. I didn't realize my proclamation of love was that devastating for you."
She backed away and smirked up at me. I was dazed, speechless, and I had a feeling that I looked stoned.
Bella laughed at me the said, "I always seem to leave you without a voice. Sit down; I won't try to jump you or anything." She held up two fingers in a "Scouts Honor" gesture.
I managed to nod my head and take the open seat to her right. I noticed the seat next to the window beside Bella was occupied by a backpack, but not a person.
She must have caught me looking.
"Oh, that's where Jake's sitting. You remember him, right?"
Apparently, I had lost all speaking abilities because I just shook my head.
"He's my friend from La Push. Ring any bells?"
That's when it hit me, tall, dark, and followed Bella around like a puppy.
That got me talking again. "Yeah, I remember now. I don't think he liked me that much. He was always watching me like I was a fucking lab rat. Weird guy."
Bella flushed and laughed. "He probably did that. You know that he's-"
I cut her off. "Are you two dating now? I always thought he had the biggest crush on you."
I had no idea where that came from, but Bella started shaking her head right as a person walked down our aisle.
"Of course I'm with Bells. You really didn't expect her to wait around for you, did you?"
"Never. Bella was always far too good to wait around for me."
I didn't speak the rest of class. Bella didn't try to talk to me. And Jacob looked so fucking smug it was unreal.
That was the day I started playing Mortal Kombat to keep from murdering the fucker in the middle of class
It was also the day that my letters to Bella took on a pleading note. I begged her to still love me. I repeatedly wrote apologies for my actions, and continually added that I would appreciate her more now because I knew what I had lost.
I just needed a chance.
Over the next few weeks things got better between us. I would talk to Bella in class and a couple of times a week we would go get something to eat afterward.
It was as if I had actually sent her the letters as opposed to keeping them boxed up. It was almost like before we graduated high school. Except she was dating another guy, and I was pretending that I was dating her.
Yeah. In my mind, when we went out I was her boyfriend, lover, and best friend.
Don't judge me.
I was living in a fantasy world, and it was great. Then Jacob would pop up and ruin the illusion by kissing her temple or hugging her. I would get antsy, say something rude, and leave.
The whole situation irked me. I would sit and catalogue her fucking smiles and freckles while she would talk about Jacob and what they did last year. I would discreetly sniff her hair and he would immediately come by and touch it. I wanted to break his fucking hand every time.
I would bring a sketch book to the library and while she studied, I would work on shit for art class. My portfolio was dedicated to her.
I couldn't shake the feeling that her asshole boyfriend was spying on me. It was like he knew what I was doing, and would do something to piss me off. Like the hair touching, or when he noticed me drawing, he started taking pictures, claiming he had a photography class.
This brought us to today and the clusterfuck of drama I had caused in the library, along with my intense embarrassment from issuing some pretty fucking personal information.
As I entered the apartment, I was snapped out of my thoughts by Emmett's voice. I knew that his ranting could only mean one thing. He and Jasper were playing Mortal Kombat again, and Em was getting his ass kicked.
I don't even know why they went out and bought that worn down Nintendo 64 from Game Stop, but they did. Now my evenings were filled with the sometimes incoherent ramblings of those two fucktards.
Usually we played Cruis'n' the USA because it was fucking fun and I liked driving fast. Mortal Kombat was only brought out if we need to blow off steam, so we wouldn't actually try to beat the shit out of someone.
Before the time of Mortal Kombat, we might have gotten into some altercations, mostly with each other. Emmett and Jasper were pretty decent in a fight. Emmett was built like a linebacker and he packed a fucking punch. Jasper was lanky as hell, but he was one quick motherfucker. You didn't even see him coming.
Then there was me. I was average. I don't work out because that shit takes effort, so naturally I'm not much of a fighter. I can knock the fuck out of someone, but if they don't go down on those first couple of punches, I was screwed. I wasn't fast like Jasper, and I sure as hell wasn't huge like Em.
This was why we chose Mortal Kombat. We didn't get beat down and we were able to take out our "manly aggression," as Emmett said.
It was the third day in a row that I needed to kick someone's ass. So after I walked away from the douche in question, I made my way back home, clenching and unclenching my fists the entire way.
One of these days I was going to murder that piece of shit.
"Hey there, Eddie! You're looking like a fucking psyche patient today. Again. What's up with you?"
"None of your fucking business. I got winner and don't call me Eddie," I huffed before falling on the couch.
I figured he'd heard enough from Rose to know that I was still going bat shit crazy over her and the fact that I'd still not made my move. If I brought it up he'd just give me hell and I didn't need that right now, especially with my daily exposure to the fucking disease that was Jacob Black.
"You sure you're alright, Cullen? You look murderous." Jasper looked up from the game for a split second.
"Yeah, man, just some fucking prick in my study group that I have to go to. Hand me the controller."
After three hours of "breaking skulls" with Em and Jazz, we called it quits for the day. I had successfully gotten rid of at least a quarter of my rage. I could manage the rest.
I lay down on my bed and couldn't get my thoughts out of the fucking library. God, I wished I could fall asleep, but every time I closed my eyes, I was there.
I shook my head and punched my pillow.
I figured I might as well give in and relive my ultimate humiliation, so my thoughts took me back to the library.
"Stupid fucking vocabulary. I seriously don't understand why we are having a damn vocabulary test in lab. Are we fucking third graders? Will we be having a spelling bee next?"
Bella laughed beside me and laid her head on my shoulder, her left arm around the back of my chair. Any outsider would have thought we were a couple. At least I hoped they did.
"I would kick your ass in a spelling bee, Cullen. Unless it was a spelling bee and all the words were curses, then you would definitely win."
"Damn straight." I leaned down and kissed her hair. It just felt natural.
Bella tensed and lifted her head from me. I didn't say anything because I didn't regret doing it, and a few minutes passed in silence.
"Why did you do that?"
I was writing down osmosis and stopped suddenly at the m.
"It's something I've always wanted to do, and never had the guts to before." I shrugged my shoulders and picked up writing the word.
Bella took a deep breath and said, "Do you want to be with me now because of Jacob or because you really like me?"
I had no idea where the courage came from, but I turned towards her and said everything I had been holding in for the last three years.
"Bella, I have loved you since you made that crack about my Volvo Junior year. There has never been another girl I wanted as much as I want you. That little kiss was the closest thing I have had to an intimate moment in my life." I gave her a small smile. "I have only ever wanted you. So no, it's not because of Jacob Black. He can suck a dick, because he has no control over my feelings for you."
At that, Bella started laughing uncontrollably. I suddenly felt like I was two feet tall, that my dog had been run over in front of me, and that Bella had told me I was a loser all at once.
Of course, that was when fuckface showed up.
"Would that be your dick I was sucking?" He had a smirk on his face.
I felt myself flush a deep red that would rival Bella any day, but the weird thing was I felt my eyes tear up.
I had come to an epiphany in those moments: Bella thought my profession of love was a fucking joke, and I was a year and half too late.
I was crushed.
I started piling shit into my bag as quickly as possible while trying to keep my tears at bay.
I dropped my sketch pad and, of course, it opened to a profile of Bella's face. She was smiling in it, and she was glancing up out of the corner of her eyes. I hadn't added color yet, but I knew she was blushing a soft pink.
Bella had stopped laughing and stared in shock.
I hastily grabbed the pad and closed it roughly.
"Don't say a fucking thing. I'm sorry I fucked up and didn't admit how I felt when you did, but I didn't think you were fucking cruel, Bella. So take Jacob Black and live happily fucking ever after. I don't need you or your fucking pity. Just know that I would have loved you more, and better. You would have had all of me, and I mean every part. From my first kiss to sharing a fucking nursing home."
Then it was Jacob's turn to laugh. In between his laughter, he managed to choke out, "Edward's…a….virgin. Holy shit."
Bella eyes were wide and had tears rising in them.
I needed to leave and quick, because I was either going to kill someone or cry all over them.
"Fuck you both."
With that I turned and left.
I felt like my life was over. It didn't make any sense at all. I had been without her for over a year, and now I had her for a few months and it was like I had lost her all over again.
I had to pull over the Volvo and cry before I got back to the apartment. My chest ached and I wished repeatedly that we could just go back in time and stop the kiss. At this point, I would take Bella any way I could get her. I wanted to be near her, breathe the same air as her, and talk with her.
It was my penance, I guessed, to sit back and watch her with someone else.
By the time I got home, my sadness had morphed into anger, and thus, hours of Mortal Kombat ensued.
I tossed and turned in bed until I just gave up and stared at the ceiling. I had been laying there awhile when I heard people talking in the hall. I looked at the clock and realized it was close to midnight and no one should have been here.
Suddenly my door burst opened and in walked Rosalie Hale and Alice Brandon.
I was momentarily blinded when one of them flipped on the light.
"What the fuck? Do you know what time it is?" I sat up in my bed.
"Don't give me that shit, Edward. Do you know what you've done? Do you know that she has been through three pints of Ben and Jerry's? I had to cut her off!"
I was so confused at that moment. Who were Ben and Jerry? I didn't know them.
"What the fuck are you talking about, Rose?"
Alice put a hand on Rose's arm. It was a silent 'my turn' gesture. She began talking in a way that made me feel like I was special. It was all slow and calm.
"What did you do to Bella today? She came in crying about you. We don't even know the whole story, but she's been a mess all night. Jacob came over to check on her before he went out and all he told us was that you were 'a self-righteous douche that should never be near Bella again.' So can you tell us what happened?"
The only part of that I caught was "Jacob came over to check on her before going out" so when I spoke it had nothing to do with answering their question.
"Why the fuck would Jacob leave Bella if she was so upset? That asshole is probably cheating on her. I'll beat his ass!"
Rose and Alice stared at me as Jasper and Emmett arrived, laughing. Finally, Jasper started talking.
"Man, we thought you would have figured it out by now. I honestly had no clue that you were that fucking oblivious."
"What are you talking about?" I asked in an aggravated voice.
Rose snorted and began, "The quips you just made about Jacob are fairly accurate. He is definitely not interested in Bella." I felt my brow furrow. "Let me put it this way, he and Bella enjoy the same view when you study with them."
"He told me that you had a great ass the other day, too." Alice added, smiling.
I'm pretty sure that my eyes bugged out of my head for a moment. I attempted to sputter out a response, but it only came out as choked, random syllables.
"Make this right, Edward. I'm not going to have another two years where Bella is moping and emo." Rose sighed and everyone followed her out of my room.
As I sat on the bed contemplating this new information, I came to three more epiphanies; these led me to scramble for clothes around my room, grab my box of letters and portfolio, and stuff them into my backpack.
First, Bella Swan still loved me. Second, Jacob Black was gay, and might be lusting after me. And finally, I was going to sweep Bella off her feet.
If she let me inside her apartment.
I took two very deep breaths before knocking on her door. If I had been sane, I would have realized that it was really fucking late and she was probably asleep. I kept knocking, though.
After ten minutes with no answer, I did something I hadn't done since high school.
I started to pick the lock.
The footsteps weren't loud on the hall carpet, so I never even heard their approach. The first thing I felt was a hand on my shoulder before a gruff voice said, "Step away from the door, sir."
I glanced up and saw two cops beside me. I lost my breath completely and my heart started pounding.
"Step away from the door, sir. I won't ask again."
I immediately hopped up and backed away.
"Officer, it's not what it looks like. My friend lives here and I was just coming to apologize. She wouldn't have minded me being here."
Both cops look unconvinced.
"We're going to have to take you in for attempting to break and enter someone's home. If this person is really your friend, then they can come and drop the charges."
The cop reached for my backpack and I side-stepped him, moving back to the door. "Whoa. You can't arrest me. I didn't do anything. Let me get Bella."
Apparently, that was a no-no. I felt myself being pushed against the wall in record time and my backpack was wrenched away before I was cuffed.
My dad was going to kill me.
The banging wouldn't stop. I finally pulled myself out of bed and flung the front door wide open.
There was a cop standing in the hall. I immediately went over all the different scenarios and was terrified that something had happened to my mother or father.
"Can I help you?" I asked shakily.
"Miss, I'm Office Scott. We caught a man trying to break into your home. He claims he knows you, but we still had to take him in for resisting arrest. I need to you come with me and explain whether or not he was telling the truth."
I nodded and asked for some time to change. After I was in my room, I called my dad and he told me to head into the station and he would be down in a few hours.
My day was getting suckier by the minute. First, Edward had a mini-meltdown, leaving me in tears. Then, after the scene in the library, I ate way too much junk food and practically fell into a sugar coma. Finally, I was needed at the police station because someone wanted to burglarize my apartment.
As I got dressed, I couldn't help but think how it was Rose and Alice's fault for the miscommunication with Edward. They made me believe that appearing unavailable would get Edward to like me more, so I had been using Jake as a prop. I had to admit; he was taking too much pleasure in making Edward squirm.
I shook that off and drove down the station. I would deal with Edward later.
I made it into one of the corner offices once I got to the building and was greeted by a very serious man with a very serious mustache. Charlie would be proud.
"Have a seat." He cleared his throat and began, "We have some new developments, Miss Swan. It seems that this suspect has been watching you for a while. It would appear you're being stalked."
He gestured to the stacks of letters and the folder on his desk.
"Can you look at these and tell me if you know the person who wrote them?"
I nodded and picked up a letter. The only thing I saw was "Yours Eternally, Edward."
I closed my eyes then burst into laughter.
The detective looked at me oddly and asked, "Do you know who this is? Have you encountered him before?"
I reined in my laughter and spoke, "Yes sir. He's Edward Cullen and he's a complete idiot. I've known him for years and he wouldn't hurt me. He's melodramatic and emo, but not psycho." I gestured to the letters. "How many are there?"
The man was clearly flustered by my disregard for the craziness that was Edward. "There are more than sixty letters, the first dating back to June of 2006."
I laughed again.
"Miss, this man seems to have developed a fascination with you that is completely unhealthy. These letters are seriously disturbed." He leaned his elbows on the desk. "Are you positive this man isn't mentally unstable?"
I rolled my eyes, "Edward wrote those letters because he was too scared to tell me how he felt. I'm sure all he was going to do was leave them in my apartment so I could find them. It was probably a spur of the moment decision that he's pissing himself over now. Where is he anyway?"
The officer just looked at me like I was crazy, but I only had one thought.
Edward Cullen loved me!
I sat in an interrogation room for two hours, twitching and eyeing the exit. I wasn't given my one phone call, but the cops said they had spoken to Bella. She was supposed to come down and identify me or something. That was an hour ago.
Finally, a man walked into the room. I just didn't understand why I was still here. I definitely hadn't done anything wrong.
"Mr. Cullen, how long have you known Miss Swan?" The guy started right in with the questions.
"I've known Bella since she transferred to my high school during junior year."
He nodded his head. "How long have you stalked Miss Swan?"
My eyes popped open and I stared at him. "Excuse me? I've never stalked Bella. She's my friend."
He cocked an eyebrow at me then said, "We found a box of letters in your possession along with a folder full of drawings. Can you tell me who they were meant for?"
My heart dropped and I realized how it must have looked to him. "Those were for Bella," I whispered.
"That's what we thought." He sighed. "It doesn't look good for you, Edward. You were breaking into a girl's apartment, carrying a lot of evidence that you have a serious obsession with her. Do you see what I'm saying?"
My heart pounded in my chest. I knew I was going to jail and I was going to be someone's bitch because I couldn't fight and I wouldn't be able to defend myself. I started to hyperventilate when there was a knock on the door. The officer stood up and walked out into the hall.
I gripped the edge of the table and tried to steady my breathing. Surely Bella wouldn't press charges, right? The door opened again, but I didn't look up.
"What the hell are you doing, Edward?" I snapped my head up and felt dizzy as I looked into Charlie Swan's eyes. "Son, you have no idea how to impress a girl, do you?"
I just shook my head. Obviously, I didn't know a thing about women. I mean, I was sitting in jail for attempting to break into a girl's apartment while I carried around sketches of her.
God, that was disturbing when I thought about it.
"Am I going to jail, Charlie? I don't think I'll make it in the big house," I said, my voice quivering.
He groaned and leaned his head into his hands. "No, Edward, you're not going to the 'big house'. I'm here to take you home. What were you thinking, son?"
"I wanted to let Bella know I loved her."
"So you tried to pick her lock?"
"She didn't answer the door." That answer was obvious, why else would have tried to break in?
Charlie stood up and shaking his head the entire time. "Let's go, Edward."
I followed him out of the room and down the hallway until we reached the doors that led to the entrance. I saw Bella before she saw me, and I prayed she wouldn't tell me to get lost in front of the Seattle PD and her father.
Finally, her head popped up and see made eye contact with me. Bella stood up, squared her shoulders, and walked right up to me. I tensed slightly, preparing for a slap or to have her yell at me, but it never came.
She spoke in a determined voice, "Edward, I would love to go on a date with you. Do you want to go to dinner with me this weekend?"
"Yes!" I answered too loudly then took a quick glance at the cops and Charlie before I turned to Bella. I cleared my throat and shrugged. "I mean, that sounds good." I needed to appear unfazed even though all my dreams were coming true.
I heard a distinct slap to my right and looked at Charlie. It was apparent that he had just facepalmed and the officers around me were trying not to laugh.
Charlie looked between me and Bella before walking towards the door, muttering under his breath, "My grandkids don't stand a chance."
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this little bit on nonsense.