Hello ladies and gentlemen, I'm Mr. Wang... and this will be my first apparent story for the Haruhi archive, though I couldn't have expected to have a crackfic of all things, as my first work, because I had planned on more serious works prior... alas, as we all know, writer's block is a bitch...
Erm... right... anyway, some of you might know me as a cohort of superstarultra in some of his recent works, the guy who made those two OC's whose names you probably can't remember, and your neighborhood Kyon/Mikuru reviewer (wait, where are you going? Don't leave me!). But obviously, this archive of nonsensical humor based around our favorite Yandere (well, my second personal favorite), has been inspired by the king of crack humor himself, superstarultra, which this story has his seal of approval towards cracktastic fics! This is my first time actually attempting to write crack-humor, so I hope you will read, enjoy, and review!
Chapter Notes: This particular chapter is going to be part of a (hopefully) 3-part arc. This arc revolves heavily around youtube poops, as the title may have suggested. Please, if you haven't seen one already, do yourself a favor, and see the wonderful world of where Kings are obsessed with DINNER, the world where plumbers like LOTSA SPAGHETTI, the world where Spies are here to fuck us, the world where NOBODY can do ANYTHING better than Gaston, the world where Ganon says you must DIE, the world where BILLY MAYS still sells crap that we don't need, the world of PINGAS, MAH BOI, RICKROLLED!, WEEGEE, SPARTA, CARMELLDANSEN, and more... All that, and more memes you can think of, I'll probably have them in here. Right, I think you get the gist of it now. Enjoy the Fanfic Crap of Ryoko Asakura!
The Fanfic Crap of Ryoko Asakrura: Part 1
Emiri Kimidori sighed as she continued to flip through the channels on the TV. It was simply one of those days where you had nothing better to do but to try and find something to watch on your idiot box. However, all she was met with, were bad infomercials, and old cartoons that could easily be parodied and set up on Youtube. Emiri felt that TV was sucking so bad nowadays since everything that could be found on TV could be on the internet. And some neighbor in the apartment complex was siphoning her WiFi and downloading hentai off of buggy sites, so her own laptop was riddled with viruses when she tried to use the internet. So, there was pretty much nothing to watch, and even if she did find something remotely entertaining, the interface couldn't hear a damn thing with all the racket that was coming out of Ryoko's room. Speaking of said blunette Yandere, Ryoko had been busy with something and had been cooped up in her room for the past few days, with nothing indicating what she was up to, but the sounds of buzz saws, drilling, hammering, nailing, and metalwork. Normally, Emiri would hear agonizing screams accompanying said noise, though the fact that there wasn't any coming out of her room made it clear that Ryoko wasn't torturing some poor sap with power tools again. It made the student council secretary wonder just what she was up to. Opting to ignore the notion and simply be happy for the knife-nut for finding some way to keep herself busy without butchering someone, Emiri turned her thoughts back to the television and continued pressing the button on the remote.
"Hi, Billy Mays here with the most efficient and powerful cock, you'll ever use! And it even comes with the Boner Power Extender! It's awesome! and with every order, you get-"
"God, ads are becoming more and more perverted as time goes on... so sad... Billy Mays has become less of a person and more of a meme now. What sad way to leave your legacy..."
Emiri pressed the next button on her remote.
Princess Leia was hopelessly in the custody of Darth Vader and Grand Robotnik, as she was now backed into a corner, with the Death Star's LAZAR aimed at her home planet. However, she thought she could possibly get out of the situation with a lie, in an attempt to buy the people of Alderaan more time.
"Hyrule... Sonic is on Hyrule..."
Robotnik smiled towards Vader. "See? I knew she could be reasonable..." he said, before turning his attention to a nearby officer. "Commence the operation. You may fire when ready," he continued with a smug grin on his face.
"What!" Princess Leia cried out.
"IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZAR!" the crazed robotics scientist exclaimed.
The center of the Death Star primed itself, and let out a powerful green LAZAR. The people of Alderaan all simultaneously screamed in horror at their impending doom. "WHAT THE FU-"
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOM! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Robotnik laughed maniacally with his Troll Face.
"I've seen this movie a hundred times already..." Emiri drolled.
Emiri's screen was met with nothing but a blank, black screen. Pondering what the hell was wrong with her TV, Emiri tried changing the channel, though nothing had changed. Then, something appeared on her screen. Something she never expected, and something that terrified her. The big nose... the oblong-shaped head... the blue overalls... the green hat... the big upward-curved moustache... but most of all, that creepy, and deathly stare with its two blue eyes...
"You will DIE."
It was Weegee.
"OH MY GOD!"
Ignoring the fact that the Caps Lock is starting to get overused, Emiri futilely tried to change the channel on her TV, but to no avail. She could feel the eyes of Weegee piercing her very soul, and if she didn't act fast, the Weegee-ness would spread to her too, and she'd become a Weegee, another mindless pawn in Weegee's attempt for world domination; and no way in hell Emiri would let herself become part of such a meme. Now starting to yelp and shout things incoherently in sheer horror, Emiri continued to pound the buttons on the remote in an attempt to get the image off her screen. As she looked up, she let out another scream, as she could swear that Weegee was actually coming out of the screen to rape her soul. In a last act of desperation, the secretary threw her remote at the TV screen, and closed her eyes to brace herself. She opened up her eyes, and still could think her own thoughts, seeing as how she still retain her conscious. Digging in the pocket in her skirt, Emiri pulled out a small mirror and looked in it. Letting out a sigh of relief, the interface was happy that she lacked any big noses, mustaches, or creepy soul-eating stares to mar her pretty face. Emiri looked up and saw her TV screen smashed in, the remote embedded in it. It was now a mere heap of smoking metal, lacking any sort of mind-scarring images.
"Damn... looks like I'm pulling the old TV out of the closet..."
Emiri sighed, damning the hellspawn for inadvertently causing the destruction of her television. As she walked over to the closet down at the end of the hallway, a door slammed open, colliding straight into Emiri's face. Somewhat dazed for a moment, the secretary stumbled a few steps, before falling on her ass, rubbing her nose.
"Emiri! Emiri! I did it! It's finally finished!"
Feeling no blood coming from her nose, and the ringing in her head starting to lessen, Emiri looked up to see the rather cheery face of her blunette counterpart, Ryoko Asakura. Normally, if Emiri were injured like this, she's berate Ryoko and complain to her to be more careful, though that wasn't the case as she wasn't entirely in the mood after looking straight into the eyes of death earlier. Letting go of her nose, the pastel-haired girl got up from her spot on the floor in a standing position. It was odd seeing such a happy face on Ryoko, and seeing said face without blood spattered on it. What could have gotten her this excited?
"Alright, alright, slow down Ryoko... what is finished?" her superior replied, with a bit of curiosity herself.
"Okay, don't bother sitting down, because you'll just stand up when you see..." Ryoko started, as the blunette Yandere quickly went back into her room to grab something, hiding it behind her back with giddy anticipation, she revealed the works of her labor. "THIS!"
It was... a... basketball...? What the hell? She spent all that time working on that?
"Took the word right out of my mouth, Mr. Wang," Emiri said, ignoring the fourth wall. "Seriously, that is what you've been working on for weeks? It's a basketball!"
Emiri lightly placed her palm on the ball, expecting perhaps some sort of flame or spikes to come out of it since this was Ryoko we were talking about, but sure enough it had the same feel and texture of the leather and rubber that basketballs were typically made out of. It looked completely normal. Oddly enough though, when Emiri peeked her head into Ryoko's room, she noticed the room was littered with her power tools, several planks of wood, salvaged machinery, scrap metal, a box of jello mix, a metal vat of pure mercury, some contraption that looked like a miniature version Big Bang machine in Geneva, bits of carbon fiber, bologna, a rocket engine, the robes of Jesus, a lock of Aya Hirano's hair, Konata's chocolate cornet, Excalibur, a piece of honest cake, Hitler's moustache comb, and... some kind of weird glowing mirror. How in the hell was all of this linked to a basketball? Most of the crap in her room was more impressive than what Ryoko decided to present!
"Hey, that's not nice! This isn't just a basketball, Emiri!" Ryoko defended, holding her pride and joy almost as caringly as her knives.
"Why the hell is there all of this crap in your room, Ryoko! Where the hell did you get all of this construction stuff, the pure mercury, the weird machines... are you planning on destroying the world, or something?" Emiri asked, becoming increasingly confused as to what was going on.
"Close, but no. I used all of that to construct this baby!" Ryoko said, spinning the basketball and balancing it on her finger like a Yandere Harlem Globetrotter.
"Then... what does it do? You could've just bought a normal basketball from an athletic store... hell, steal one from school, I don't care..." the pastel-haired girl said, starting to lose her patience, as well as her sanity for that matter. First Weegee tries to kill her, then Ryoko's craziness might make Emiri kill herself for that matter.
"Didn't I already say that this wasn't just a basketball? Emiri... I know you're my superior, but with all due respect... You... have got... to listen!" Ryoko said, becoming increasingly annoyed at Emiri's ignorance. "The grand marvel and beauty of this divine object is... this thing can bend space-time! IT IS THE PINNACLE OF QUANTUM PHYSICS!"
"Eh...?" Emiri looked at the basketball curiously again, and yet everything about it seemed unremarkable. Since when did Ryoko become a quantum physicist? And how did all of the components in Ryoko's room have ANYTHING to do, or in any way, shape, or fashion, created a basketball?
"Hey, wait a minute..." Emiri pondered. "'Quantum physics' you said? And bending space-time? Space-time is a component of relativity, whereas quantum physics are the actions of atomic particles... so, to associate one or the other would be incorrect, Ryoko..."
"Um..." Ryoko stuttered, not knowing what the hell Emiri had just said. "Well... I... god damn it, what did I- Oh, I know! I figured out the Theory of Everything, so screw relativity and gravity! My invention can bend space-time within the laws of physics! Yeah, that's it! I should get a god damn Nobel Prize for this!"
"What a dumb bitch..." Emiri thought. "So... how does it work?" she asked. Even for an advanced humanoid interface such as herself, she couldn't find any sort of unusual anomalies that suggest how this device performed.
"Why, I'm glad you asked, Miss Kimidori... through the advancements of Quantum physiology and breakthroughs made by yours truly, I was able construct this simple device!" she said, waving the basketball around in an overly dramatic fashion, right in Emiri's face. "All you do is throw it to someone, and you travel through the space-time continuum, to a location of your choosing!"
"Uh huh..." Emiri said, not entirely convinced. "You, uh... test this thing?"
"Nope, but I'm determined to make its maiden voyage with it myself! Think of the possibilities! But mainly, I'm going to use it to go back in time, and kill Nagato before she erases my past-self, then me and my past-self will get to kill Kyon together! Isn't that great?" Ryoko asked, with beaming and radiant joy and anticipation.
Of course, to think that I believed that she found a hobby that didn't have to do with killing, and this whole time she's been trying to kill Kyon again. Lovely...
Emiri sighed again, facepalming. However, she resigned to Ryoko's wishes when the blunette nudged the basketball over toward her. Taking it in her hands, the student council secretary continued to look at it, and feel around its leathery texture, still not seeing or feeling anything out of the ordinary that could allude to how this thing worked.
"Well? What are ya waiting for? Throw it!"
Emiri started to get on her last nerve, becoming a bit more agitated than normal from all the crazy that seemed to be polluting the air. Doubting that anything would even happen, the pastel-haired girl tossed the ball over blunette, hitting her in the face before the ball fell into her hands.
"Owie..." she whined.
However, her complaining was cut off, as the basketball started to glow, the inside of it pulsing with some kind of strange purple glow. The power in the house suddenly went off, with the light inside the ball illuminating the house, it was now starting to pulsate erratically, to the point of lighting and blasts of energy radiating from it. In an instant, the basketball slowly started to change, and its color grew black, it's size growing. Ryoko dropped the ball, partly in fear, and partly in awe of her creation. The blackness started to engulf the hallway, as Emiri frantically back away. She had avoided death earlier, there was no way in hell she'd let Ryoko do it all over again. Ryoko smiled slightly, as she walked towards the blackness, feeling herself getting sucked in.
The wormhole to the other dimension, two years ago, had opened.
"It's beautiful... well, wish me luck, Emiri!"
With that, the blunette jumped in the black, purplish vortex, and with that, the lightning and rumbling of the room calmed, the wormhole shrank into nothingness, and momentarily, the power went back on. When Emiri opened her eyes, Ryoko and the basketball were nowhere to be found.
"...what the fuck just happened?"
Stumbling to get back on her feet, Emiri looked all around the house, and the crazed Yandere was gone. All that was left of her, was all the crap that she had left in her room. Thinking for a moment, and if Ryoko did indeed go back in time to kill Kyon again, whether or not the plan would work would determine if Kyon was alive or not now. Going back in time was a complicated business, but if Ryoko did indeed go back in time, the changes would be instantaneous.
Quickly, Emiri reached in her skirt pocket and pulled out her cellphone, quickly dialing the number to Yuki's phone.
Yuki Nagato was once again brought on an SOS Brigade mission to try and discover the mysteries of the world throughout town, doing another routine patrol with the rest of her brigade-members. Currently, she, Kyon, Haruhi, Mikuru, and Itsuki were all lounging about in a diner, once again trying to pull out straws to see who would be going with who.
Of course, Haruhi had forced Mikuru to give up her short straw in order for Tsundere God to be with Kyon.
As the gang ate their food enjoyably, a sudden song rang out, disrupting the odd tranquility and silence the four friends were enjoying in each other's company.
Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and, desert you!
Everyone at the table (and the diner for that matter) looked at the source of the RickRoll, which happened to be none other than Yuki. Still wearing her dead-serious face (albeit Kyon could detect subtle embarrassment) Yuki pulled out her cellphone and showed it to everyone.
"My ringtone... Do not judge me."
With that, Yuki flipped open her cell phone and answered it.
"Hello, Nagato?" Emiri said from the other line.
"Yes, Kimidori, what is it you wish of me?"
It creeped the fuck out of Emiri to no end hearing such a monotone voice on the other end.
"Erm... right... Anyway, for the reason I've called you, I need to ask you: what is the status of Kyon?"
"He is fine. Being... touched by Haruhi Suzumiya, although he is healthy and well, aside from the high levels of stress and hormones he sustains through prolonged exposure towards the members of this particular party of individuals."
"Oh... he's still getting pissed off by Haruhi, and wanting to bang Mikuru, correct? Or you... or... hell, he's into everyone, really... But, that mean's he is alive?"
"Oh my god... so that means... Ryoko failed? Oh my god, Ryoko failed! And we're finally rid of her! She teleported herself to some dimension, but she's obviously not in the past killing Kyon right now, so that must mean she... um... well, she could have gone waaaaay back in time, like... ancient times... or to the future... or another dimension... or died... let's say that she did one of those, shall we?" Emiri said, the excitement barely contained in her voice.
"You mean... Ryoko Asakura no longer exists in this dimension?" Yuki said, a rare moment of stutter in her voice.
"Yup! Yuki, invite all your friends, and everyone you know to come over to my apartment! We're gonna celebrate this wondrous occasion! WHOOO, PARTY AT MY PLACE!"
With that, Yuki hung up her phone. However, upon realizing and letting the information that Emiri relayed sink into her head, she actually smiled.
"RYOKO ASAKURA IS GONE, EVERYBODY! PARTY AT EMIRI'S PLACE!" she excitedly yelled.
With that, the SOS Brigade, as well as everyone in the diner (including those who didn't know what the hell Yuki was talking about) got up from their chairs and cheered and shouted in joy, most of them ecstatically in joy that the hellishly beautiful but ultimately murderous blunette was gone from their dimension. Yuki, the SOS Brigade, and several waitresses from the diner grabbed all the food, drinks, and anything else they could find for the party, and marched off to the interface's house, with several diner patrons and others following behind, determined to celebrate this occasion. Now they wouldn't need to worry about being murdered on the streets, stabbed to death, annoyed to death, and pretty much everything else associated with Ryoko Asakura that involved death. And bad singing.
For the first time, the world was able to find peace.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH, DAMN IT, THIS TRIP'S A LOT BUMPIER THAN I THOUGHT!"
Ryoko Asakura was screaming as she traveled down the black void, in a swirling vortex of blackness, with purple lightning surging all around her. The quantum basketball was still in her hands, though despite her fear of this strange nexus between dimensions, Ryoko couldn't wait to kill Kyon, and her anticipation allowed her to keep her bravery through the dark storm. Finally, at the distance, she could see the faintest light, as if the blackness around her was now a tunnel. They always say "don't go into the light" but Ryoko says "fuck that."
As if trying to swim or fly forward, hole of light grew bigger, and as she got closer and closer towards it, it became more visible and she was able to make it out as a sky...
"Oh, goody! I'm nearing the dimension! Oh, I hope I'm not too late and my past-self hasn't already been deleted!" With that, the blunette went through the light, and she found herself looking at the sky. "Wow... I'm really in the past, aren't I?"
It was at that point Ryoko learned that the exit gateway chose to open itself about 30 feet above the ground.
After falling down and landing on her tushie, Ryoko got up from the ground, very dazed and butthurt (literally and figuratively) as to what she saw before her. This was definitely not Japan two years ago... This... she didn't even know what this was.
"Whoah... I really went back that far, did I? Guess I accidentally made it 2,000 years instead of just 2."
Indeed, the surroundings were made up of stone columns, and a classical architecture similar to Greece or Rome. She appeared to be on the outskirts of whatever city she was near, though behind her was nothing but a vast expanse of desert, and wasteland.
"Well that's okay, because my precious quantum child will take me back to the future! Right about... NOW!" Ryoko tossed the basketball up into the air, and caught it herself. However, nothing happened. No spectacular effects, or workings like back in her and Emiri's apartment. "I said right about, NOW!" she said, doing the gesture again. "WORK, DAMN IT!"
But alas, Ryoko was out of luck. The power source, was to be 7 items imbued with a mystical power, of a special rarity and uniqueness that makes them stand out, touched by a divine power, or some shit like that. And since Ryoko was stuck in Greece, she thought it would be particularly difficult to obtain Jesus' robes, or Aya Hirano's hair and all the other items.
"Well... I wonder where the hell I'm at, anyway." A quick look back at the city before her yielded nothing new. "Well, maybe while I'm here, I can look for items of a divine clarity, or whatever the fuck Mr. Wang said..."
Frustrated, though knowing there was nothing she could do against the man writing this crackfic at the moment, Ryoko set off closer towards the town's perimeter. However, it was at that moment she remembered she was still clad in her North High uniform, which would probably make her stand out a lot if she were spotted by some citizen of this strange place.
From the corner of her eye, Ryoko noticed a Greek woman washing her clothes in a basket, outside of her home, and far away from prying eyes. Blissfully unaware of the 20th century girl not too far away, the woman hummed a tune as she took some of her clean laundry and hung it up on a rack, as she went back into her dwelling. Seeing this as a perfect opportunity, Ryoko stealthily made her way towards the drying clothes, and wistfully stole one of the togas. Quickly running from the scene, the blunette girl quickly changed and slid the toga over her person. Ryoko quickly packed her uniform and the basketball in a satchel which she brought along for the trip. Satisfied, she pulled out a pocket mirror from her uniform, as she viewed how she looked.
"Damn, I look very shapely and sexy in this..."
While the boys back in the 20th century began to fantasize about what she really looked like in a revealing toga, Ryoko in 500 BC began to make her move and see what was around town. Looking about at the history that was spread about, she was indeed fascinated by the architectures and peoples. However, not five minutes inside the city, did she learn a disturbing fact: most of the men in the city were clad in nothing more than gauntlets, greaves, capes, and man-thongs. It was an extremely unsettling atmosphere, even if some of the men were hunks who women would throw themselves to...
"W-where am I...?" Ryoko asked to no one in particular, her voice mixed with nervousness, fear, and arousal.
"I wouldn't ask that question if I were you," a voice said.
Ryoko turned around and noticed a man, his hairy, muscled chest bare no less, and it took a solid minute for her to actually get her eyes of said spectacle before she could make eye contact with him.
"Um... Why'st is wrong to be asking where art thou?"
I'm speaking Olde English now? This is Greece, god damn it. Real smooth, Ryoko. Real fucking smooth.
The man looked at Ryoko oddly as she cursed herself in her thoughts.
"You talk in an unusual manner... are you an Athenian?"
"Why... Indeed, I be hailing from thine city of Athens, good sire..."
As the Japanese girl who didn't know crap about history mentally continued to kick herself, she noticed that the Greek before her seemed to buy it.
"Well then, Athenian, it's not everyday we receive foreigners about. And to answer your earlier question, the reason you shouldn't ask that question, is that... well, our King has an obsession with answering questions like that. And many a man, woman, and child has found themselves at the receiving end of his boot, and were sent down a pit untold thousands of feet deep, never to return, all because of asking certain questions, or stating certain claims which our King deemed incorrect or false."
"Uh huh... so where am I, really? Like, what is this city?"
"Shh!" the Greek interrupted, placing a hand over her mouth. "Our King has eyes and ears everywhere... he will find you, and kick you down a hole... I wish of no ill-will towards a fine maiden such as yourself."
Feeling somewhat flattered, Ryoko's thoughts were interrupted as another Greek man ran up to the one she was talking to, furiously shaking his shoulder.
"Quickly, Astinos! King Leonidas is negotiating with the Persian at the well! I can tell, this will be a very important meeting!"
"Negotiating? Leonidas? Well? Sounds more like the Persian's simply committing suicide if you ask me."
"So? It's fun to watch Leonidas when he's pissed, come on!"
Sighing, Astinos glanced back at Ryoko.
"My apologies, though I suppose this issue does require my attention. You are welcome to come along if you so desire, Athenian."
Nodding her head, simply because she had no other leads or anything to do, Ryoko followed Astinos towards the town square, where a large crowd was starting to develop around a large, gaping well, a group of men clad in decorative fancy bedsheets and armed with bows, an ugly dark-skinned man clad in similar sheets, and another Greek man who had the most badass beard, arguably in all of history. Such facial hair made Ryoko assume that this was none other than the King of this city, Leonidas.
"So as you see," the Persian messenger began, "... you either surrender, become our bitches, and allow this land to become domain of King Xerxes, or you will DIE. So choose your next words carefully, Leonidas. They may be your last, as King."
Leonidas frowned as he gave the issue some thought. Quickly, Leonidas unsheathed the sword from his scabbard and poised the tip at the Persian's throat. At this, Astinos left Ryoko's side and drew his own blade, as he and several others backed the rest of the Persian messenger party closer towards the well.
Damn, he's even got a blade... Huh... hunks with swords... maybe I don't need to go back after all...
"Madman! You're a madman!" the Persian messenger cried out. "No man, Persian or Greek threatens a messenger!
"Hell no. You bring the crowns and heads of conquered kings to my city steps... you insult my queen and threaten my people with slavery and death... Oh, I've chosen my words carefully, Persian. Perhaps you should have done the same."
"This is blasphemy... this is madness!" the messenger cried out.
"Ooh, he's fucked," Astinos quipped.
Leonidas's features softened as he lowered his sword. However, a scowl stayed on his face. Then, inhaling so he could utter some of the most epic 3 words in history, he shouted, "THIS. IS. SPARTA!"
The king sent his boot straight into the Persian's gut, sending him flying backwards, deep within the depths of the well behind him. Several other men drew their swords and slew and kicked the rest of the Persians down the well, sending them to their spiraling doom.
"Heh... right, so where am I again?" Ryoko asked sarcastically.
"THIS IS SPARTA!"
Ryoko immediately felt a sharp pain in her stomach, a pain that felt worse than the time she let Yuki cook kimchi and rice. Yes, Yuki sucked that bad at cooking, despite her abilities in doing literally everything. Quickly reacting with a speed no human could muster (thankfully she wasn't human) the yandere grabbed onto the Spartan king's boot before she plummeted towards the bottom of the well.
"What the...?" King Leonidas stammered. "Nobody's been quick enough to survive my kick... did you not you hear me? THIS IS SPARTA!"
The King of Shouting stupid, overused mem- I mean, Sparta attempted to try and shake Ryoko off his foot, though she wouldn't let go, and had a deathly grip on his boot, securing it as her lifeline away from a certain 1,000 foot death, with those unlucky Persians.
"DAMN IT! THIS. IS. FUCKING. SPARTA!"
Finally thinking with his brain and not his boot, Leonidas quickly undid the laces to his legendary footwear, and let it fly freely off, leaving the blunette girl gripping a mere leather boot as she plummeted towards what she could assume lead to the depths of hell...
"Good... persistent little bitch, wasn't she...?" the King laughed. However, his fellow Spartan Astinos didn't agree with his King's decision.
"Yet another poor lass kicked down the well... See, Leonidas? This is why our tourism sucks. Nobody ever wants to visit Sparta. Because as soon as someone asks, 'Where am I' you immediately respond with..."
"...this is Sparta..." Leonidas responded, somewhat shamefully.
"Exactly... Well, with those Persians now good as dead, My King, what will this all mean for us?"
Leonidas looked back in the well, and no trace of the girl, nor the Persians could be found. They were most likely deep enough in the hole their own screams couldn't be heard. With that, Leonidas sighed.
"Well, basically we're all fucked. Luckily, I booked a table for 300 at the Hell Restaurant, so it's all good."
"THAT CRAZY, KICKING SON OF A BITCH!"
Ryoko screamed eerily, as she plunged into the well, until she could no longer see the light from the opening. She lost her voice, as she continued to fall down the hole, an untold number of feet.
How fucking deep did those Spartans make this hole?
However, as she continued to plummet to a seemingly never-ending fall, gravity itself seemed to become warped, as Ryoko felt herself not falling anymore, but rather, falling... up? Like a weird kind of roller coaster doing a loop, the blunette suddenly found herself flying around in the opposite direction. Feeling uncomfortable, and starting to feel like she could vomit, Ryoko's queasiness dissipated when she could see a light from the other end of the hole.
Did I just go to the opposite end of the world or something?
As she got closer to the light, Ryoko could finally smell fresh air, and see a comforting blue sky. The trip down the Spartan well as almost as crazy as her initial trip with her basketball of Quantum-Time-bending. As she reached the end, the girl was almost shot out, as she flew in the air and daintly fell back down. Taking a quick survey of her area, Ryoko was indeed surprised at where she was.
For starters, the area was much more lush, and green, and... friendly. There were colorful plants, a beautiful blue sky... and... giant mushrooms? Ryoko wondered what strange place she happened to be in now. Ryoko glanced behind her, and noticed the end of a green pipe protruding from the ground.
So, that's where I came out of, huh?
Ryoko realized that through the whole trip, she had (and still was) clutching to Leonidas's boot. Frustrated at the accursed thing, the yandere wanted to toss it, however, she instantly realized something.
Wait... an item of mass destruction... wielded by a king... mystical power... unique clarity...
"That's it! This can be one of the items used to power my basketball and send me back home! Yes, that's it!"
Ryoko Asakura has acquired: The Boot of Leonidas
"Awesome! Well... time to figure out where the hell I am, then... if I'm lucky, maybe I can find more powerful and rare objects to use to power my basketball! Woohoo, I'm 1/7 of the way from coming back home!"
Meanwhile, 1 week ago somewhere else...
Mario and Luigi strolled down the path towards Princess Toadstool's castle.
"Nice of the Princess to invite us over for a picnic, eh Luigi?" Mario asked.
"Stop calling me gay! I'm straight!" Luigi retorted, as Mario paused to wonder what the hell his brother was talking about. "Anyway... I hope she made lotsa Spaghetti!"
From the corner of his eye, the red plumber noticed a small, suspicious looking note tacked onto a tree.
"Luigi! Look!" Mario exclaimed. "It's from Bowser!"
Mario took the note and read aloud...
Dear Pesky Plumbers,
The Princess is now a slut. If you can find the Princess, you can bang her.
The red plumber paused for a moment, allowing that information to slither into his brain.
"WE GOTTA FIND THE PRINCESS! HURRY!" Mario shouted at his brother. Luigi looked at his red counterpart oddly, though unamused.
"How are we gonna find the princess?" the green plumber asked, cooly, calmly, seriously, and rationally.
"If you need instructions on how to find the princess, you are a retard!"
Luigi grumbled under his breath, though couldn't really do anything to calm his brother down when he wanted to claim all the glory for himself, and take the princess. Luckily, Luigi had Daisy, though she existed only in the games, not the crappy CD-i that he was currently stuck in.
"Where the fuck is the Princess?" Mario asked, angrily.
Luigi noticed a girl clad in a white dress from the corner of his eye.
"Over there!" he pointed.
"What are you smoking, Luigi? That's not the Princess, that's... wait, who is that?"
The two plumbers cautiously hid behind a rock. A young, fair, blue-haired maiden clad in what Mario assumed were white bedsheets was strolling around the meadows, carrying a satchel... and she looked like she was lost.
"I see her, I see her, damn it. I'm the one who pointed her out to you in the first place, jackass," Luigi smart-mouthed. Mario looked at his brother angrily, but decided to not waste his energy to try and kick his brother's ass. "What should we do? Should we talk to her?"
"I dunno... do you think she knows where the Princess is?" Mario asked.
Luigi shrugged, but left his hiding spot from behind the rock and approached the girl, with his older brother following behind.
"Right... seriously, this place looks like the place Itsuki claims to have been to every time he smokes some of his weed... all this place is missing is some unicorns..."
Ryoko walked around the whimsical scenery around her, continuing to notice the bright colors of the scenery, the outlandish foliage, and yet... despite some of that, this place really did seem like a nice place...
However, hearing footsteps creeping up from behind her, Ryoko's eyes narrowed into slits, her yandere instincts kicking in. Reaching into a pocket of the toga she was still wearing, she immediately pulled out her knife, turned around, and held the blade up against the throat of the nearest living thing that was following her.
The blunette looked curiously at the man she had in her grasp. He was a man with a thick, bushy, upward-curved moustache, blue eyes, a big round nose, and wore a green hat, matching green sweater, white gloves, and overalls. Ryoko almost mistook the man for the demon seed, Weegee, however this man lacked the lifelessness and deathly stare of that thing. Plus, given the fact he seemed to be shaking, it seemed that this man was of no real threat to her. Ryoko lowered her knife, and let go of the green man, putting some distance between him and her. She also noticed a man, with a similar mustache and attire, except this one was fatter, shorter, and wore a red color scheme instead of green.
"Um... hi... Excuse me you two, but if you could please ignore the fact I almost killed one of you... well, actually, you were sneaking up on me, you could've been a rapist or something, so you deserved to die for being so snea... I mean, can you two... fine gentlemen tell me where I am, please?"
Don't say Sparta, don't say Sparta...
The two men looked at each other before laughing briefly. "Ya don't even know where you are? Why, this is the Mushroom Kingdom. Where else could you be?" the red one said.
"Mushroom Kingdom...?" she repeated.
Well, given the fact that the landscape was littered with mushrooms, it did make sense.
"Hey, do you know where the Princess is?" the red plumber asked. "We've been looking for her for a week now, and I think Bowser's captured her..."
"Princess? What Princess? And who's Bowser?" Ryoko asked, starting to get a bit confused and overwhelmed with the apparent nonsense this man spouted out.
"How do you not know who Princess Toadstool is? Or Bowser? You must be a really retarded girl or-"
Luigi promptly sent his fist into brother's gut, quickly silencing him.
"I apologize for my brother's... rudeness. You must be new here, is what I'm sure he meant... Princess Toadstool is the monarch of the Mushroom Kingdom... and Bowser's the King of Koopas, an evil group of turtles bent on conquering this peaceful kingdom... I can explain more along the way, but... I'm afraid my brother here is anxious to find the Princess... hey, you think you can tag along and help us?"
Koopas? Turtles? What the hell? This is definitely a wackier place than Itsuki's "happy place."
"Um... well, maybe I could help you... I need to get out of here, but... well, if I help you, what's in it for me?"
The green plumber thought hard, as he placed a hand on his chin. The red one on the other hand, was on his knees groaning in pain, though still managed to muster the strength to utter something else stupid.
"Well... do ya like threesomes?"
Luigi kicked Mario in the groin, adding extra emphasis to ensure that he'd shut up for the time being.
"Well, we're trying to... rescue the Princess from the evil Bowser's clutches. We haven't seen her for a week, so we know she must be his captive by now... if you help us out, the Princess is a wealthy, rich person. She might be able to reward you with whatever you might need."
Wealthy and rich... I can get another item to power the Quantum-Basketball... maybe I can book passage out of this place and try to get closer to home... although, I'm pretty sure I'm not even in my own dimension now...
"Hey wait a minute... if I got here... I came here through a green pipe-looking thing..." Ryoko recalled.
"Oh, those are the warp pipes! Those quickly transport people from one place to another, though you can never really predict where they're gonna take you..." Luigi said.
The well in Sparta was actually a warp pipe to... here?
"Wait a minute, if I'm here, where are the Persians?" Ryoko asked.
"Persians? Um... well, Warp pipes have all these twists and turns around here... you never know where they're going to go. Maybe you came here, and they went to some other place."
"Damn that Leonidas... Call King Xerxes, tell him that Sparta's on our hit-list," the Persian messenger angrily said.
Some of the Persians alongside him had survived the fall, while others were not so lucky.
"Damn it, I can't see shit... this place is dark... where are we, anyway," a Persian soldier asked.
"You bring a light?" another asked.
One of the Persian soldiers lit a torch. What they saw before them, was a startling sight. A strange, creature, clad in a black robe, with the face of a reptile, a bear, and some other weird animals. The torch-light illuminated the area, and it appeared to be inside a cave, where the creature's dwelling lay...
"Who are you? What are you?" the messenger asked.
"That is of no concern of yours..." the creature bellowed, in a deep voice. "What matters is, you dare trespass in my lair... You must DIE."
"So you'll help us?" Luigi asked.
"Yeah... If your princess can give me something valuable, or some money or something, then I think that'd be worth my while..."
"So... we're off to find the Princess! The Magical Princess Toad~stool!" Luigi lead, in a rather sing-song voice. Ryoko sang too, while a groaning Mario weakly hobbled behind them.
Huh... you know, I wonder just what the hell I just got myself into... Ryoko thought.
With that, the trio marched up on the hill, determined to find Princess Toadstool of the Mushroom Kingdom. Little did they know, a certain giant turtle had heard the entire conversation, and was already plotting their demise...
Will Ryoko, Luigi, Mario, find the Princess? Will Mario finally get to bang her? What happened to the Persians? Will Sparta's tourism industry ever rise? Will Ryoko's Theory of Everything win her a Nobel Prize? Will Ryoko ever make it back home? Do Emiri, Kyon, Haruhi, Yuki, and the others finally get a happily ever after now that Ryoko's gone? Is this the last we'll see of Weegee? Will I ever shut up?
Find out, in the next installment of, You Got AsakuraRolled!