Death by Awkward
Shit, Puck thought. This is just fucking perfect; try to be a good fucking boyfriend for Kurt and this shit has to happen. He had just planned on hitting up the local Walgreens for some condoms and lube in preparation for his and Kurt's one-year anniversary date the next day when he ran into none other than Burt Fucking Hummel.
Of course that meant that only one cash register was open. Of fucking course Burt was right behind Puck in line while he was carrying a large tube of Astroglide and a 24 pack of Trojan condoms while the people in front of them took forever to make their purchases. And since Burt was some sort of God of Parenting, of course he had to talk to Puck.
"Puckerman," Burt said with the heavy stare/glare he always gave Puck and a head nod.
"Mr. Hummel, sir," Puck replied when he turned around, trying to keep his voice even while his heart fluttered ridiculously fast, trying his best to hide what he was holding in his arms. Shit, shit, shit! Kurt's dad is going to kill me and bury me in a far off field where no one would look for a body.
Obviously his attempts at hiding his items didn't work as Burt's eyes narrowed and the muscles in his jaw clenched. Puck closed his eyes and groaned internally.
"I never thought I'd say this, but those better be meant for sex with my son, kid," Burt said slowly.
Puck quickly nodded. "Of course, sir," he said, "I love your son very much; I'd never dream of having sex with anyone but him."
Burt's eyes seemed to narrow even farther, something Puck didn't think was possible. "As in you've already…slept together?" Despite being scary as hell, Puck could read how awkward he was in the situation; and despite being scared as hell, Puck was also dying from the amount of awkward he felt.
"Um…" Puck started. Burt gave him a "Don't try to lie to me" look and Puck sighed. "Yes, sir."
It was then that Puck noticed what Burt held in his hands: Trojans that were "Ribbed for Her Pleasure". Puck quickly jerked his head away and looked off to the side. Do not think about how Carole is your second mom and possibly your future mother-in-law. Do not think about the fact that she wants condoms to be ribbed—just fucking stop thinking! Ugh!
Puck shook his head to get rid of his thoughts and Burt cleared his throat and nodded. The awkwardness seeped even farther as one of the old ladies in front of them tried to pay using just coins and coupons. Finally another register opened at the same time the old lady finished. Puck dashed over to the new register and quickly paid for his items. He was never going to be able to look Burt Hummel in the eye again.
Especially not after what happened next. Puck was sitting in his truck, ready to pull out and forget that anything ever happened when he looked out his side window to see Burt Hummel standing there. Puck certainly did not jump in his seat and scream a bit—and if he did, who could blame him, Burt Hummel pissed was scarier than any horror movie character. The older man gestured for Puck to lower his window and he obliged, praying to God that he would let him live. Because Burt wasn't going to talk about his son's sex life, right? He was just going to kill Puck and hide his body.
"So…you and Kurt," Burt said in a way that managed to be threatening and awkward at the same time. Puck nodded slowly after a moment and kept his eyes bowed. I expected him to just ignore this…but at least he's not killing me. Puck noticed Burt's eyes narrow a bit. Well, at least not yet.
Thankfully Burt's eyes opened back up and he sighed. "I shouldn't be surprised," Burt said. "I had sex much sooner in my first relationship than you two. Except that you probably have before—no, I'm just going to pretend that you haven't had sex yet."
No, I definitely did not blow him two weeks into our relationship and he didn't let me fuck him after a month and a half—dude, stop thinking about your sex life in front of your boyfriend's father! Puck remained silent and Burt continued, "This is not something I ever dreamt I'd have to do or wanted to do but…here we are. But I love my son more than anything or -one else I in the world. And, sadly, I have found a certain…item in Kurt's drawer that kind of revealed more about his…preferences than I'd like to know."
Burt rubbed the back of his neck as Puck tried to think of what he was talking about. Suddenly it hit him, Oh my God he knows about the vibrator! Puck, do not think about how Kurt used that to stretch himself out for you one night or how he sent pictures of himself using it to your phone. OH MY GOD SHUT UP, PUCK, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Finally Burt interrupted Puck's thoughts but clearing his throat. "So, I hate to say it, but here it goes." He took a deep breath and finally said, "I'm not going to lock Kurt away and keep him from seeing you, because I know it'd be useless." Puck gaped at his words, "I mean, trying to prevent two horny teenagers from having sex is like trying to hold a horse back with a paper streamer." Burt snorted a bit at his own joke before turning deadly serious and saying, "But if you think for one damn second that just wrapping up your dick is all it takes to be 'ready' for sex you are fooling yourself." Puck felt slightly insulted; he was the Puckster, he knew how to please and prepare anyone for sex. But Burt just carried on.
"Do you care about him? Do you trust him? Do you respect him? If you can not answer yes to all of those questions—if I ever for a single second doubt that you're not treating him the way he deserves to be treated—I will end you." Burt finished with a poke at Puck's chest and a face that screamed, "I could fire a shot at you and bury you and not feel one drop of remorse." Are we clear?" Puck nodded vigorously in response. Burt gave a small smile and clapped him on the shoulder. "Good. Glad we had this conversation, son."
Burt started to walk away and Puck's badass attitude came back. He gave a small smirk and called out, "Mr. H?"
Kurt's father looked slightly surprised but came back to the boy's window. Puck smiled as he faced the front window of his car and said, "Sir, I appreciate your concern for your son, but I really feel like this should be directed at him for me." Puck saw, through his side view mirror, Burt raise an eyebrow and the younger boy just grinned, "You see, I have topped Kurt many, many times—and do a damn good job at it, if Kurt's word is to be trusted—but he has pointed out that a true badass should be willing and able to take what he receives. And, being a true badass, I have to take up that offer." Puck added, "Hence the condoms, since we're both clean so I don't bother with condoms but Kurt said this would be better for my first time." Even though Puck knew he wouldn't feel so superior for what he told Burt after it caught up to him, surprising people always made him extremely happy. "So I'd get that speech ready for Kurt." He turned to his boyfriend's father and said, "Bye, Mr. H."
Burt stood in stunned silence as Puck drove out of the pharmacy's parking lot. Although he now knew more about his son's sex life than any parent needed to know, he felt an odd sense of pride. And if he happened to high five his son after he came back from his and Puck's anniversary date (much to Kurt's confusion), well, who could blame him?
A/N: Well, I hope you guys liked it! It's under Puck/Kurt to get more reads, so sorry that Kurt's just mentioned in this and not really seen. This was based off the following prompt from the Puckurt meme:
Puck runs into Burt at the drugstore when they are both buying condoms...which is just, yeah. Dude, Carole's like his second mom, he so doesn't need to know that she prefers the 'ribbed for her pleasure' brand of Trojans.
He kind of figures that Burt will just turn and go the other way all 'We must never speak of this again.'
But no, Burt's awesome Papa!Bear qualities will not be hindered by something as silly as embarrassment. Despite the setting and the situation, Burt gives Puck a Dad speech to be proud of.
"I'm not going to lock Kurt away and keep him from seeing you, because I know it'd be useless. Trying to prevent two horny teenagers from having sex is like trying to hold a horse back with a paper streamer. But if you think for one damn second that just wrapping up your dick is all it takes to be 'ready' for sex you are fooling yourself. Do you care about him? Do you trust him? Do you respect him? If you can not answer yes to all of those questions, if I ever for a single second doubt that you're not treating him the way he deserves to be treated, I will end you. Are we clear?"
I normally don't like bottom!Puck, but the comments on this prompt inspired me way too much. So, here we are :D.
Reviews would be lovely, darlings!