A/N: I swear to God, this one-shot is the definition of CRACK. I was really bored, and I didn't feel like working on my other fics, so this just kinda materialized on my computer.
Summary: Shouichi is affronted by Byakuran's tendency to be doing weird things every time he walks into his office. That's it. Read on.
Warnings: Get ready to lose some brain cells. Seriously.
Note: This fic is kind of like C.I. in that it's in a list. The format is just a bit different. I really like listing things, for some odd reason. Just read it.
Disclaimer: Sushi*Bomb does not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn. Whatever.
One day, Irie Shouichi walked out of Byakuran's office, grimacing as he closed the door behind him. It was official. He had the strangest, most random, most eccentric, most perverted boss on the face of the Earth. Shouichi really wanted to give him the benefit of a doubt. Really he did. Maybe it was just him. But honestly, how horrible could his timing possibly be that he happened to walk into his boss and friend's office every single time Byakuran was doing something…out of the ordinary (to put it nicely)?
The Millefiore captain quickly compiled a list in his head. So far, he'd walked in on Byakuran:
1. Trying to Order Chinese food. (Not so weird, admittedly. It just happens to be rather comical because Byakuran can't ever seem to remember what he orders, even though he ALWAYS gets the same thing, thus frustrating the hell out of the poor woman he had on speaker.)
2. Picking his nose. (It looked more like he was trying to scratch his brainstem. That's how far his finger was up his nose.)
3. Scratching his ass. (He claimed he had a wedgie. Yeah right.)
4. Yawning. (So was Shouichi, so yeah.)
5. Passed out drunk on his desk. (Someone had a wild night…or afternoon.)
6. Balancing marshmellows on his tongue. (Eight to be exact.)
7. Doing Pilates. In tight red booty shorts.( No explanation or sarcastic commentary available.)
8. Doing one of those skanky Cervello chicks. (That was seriously awkward. More for Shouichi than Byakuran, who just gave him a thumbs up.)
9. Sniffing his armpit. (He wasn't sure if he had put deodorant on that morning. It wasn't like anyone was really going to tell him he stunk. Honestly.)
10. Brushing his teeth. (He ate an onion. Which in turn posed the question, 'why the fuck was Byakuran eating an onion?')
11. Spanking himself. (No explanation available.)
12. Walking around talking to himself in that weird little Spongebob-y sounding voice he likes to use when he's really excited about something. (Shouichi found that very, very creepy)
13. Trying to pick his nose with his tongue. (And failing.)
14. Butt-ass naked. (Again, very awkward, as there was literally no reason for his boss to be walking around in the buff, other than he felt like it.)
15. Blasting 80's music from America and doing the running man. (Which advanced into the sprinkler, which Byakuran is equally awful at doing.)
16. Playing chubby bunny. (Apparently, Byakuran-san can fit twenty-six marshmellows in his mouth. Preposterous!)
17. Talking dirty to someone on the phone. (Probably Genkishi. You know, just to keep him wrapped around his finger.)
18. Clipping his toenails. (He does it every Tuesday.)
19. Flossing his teeth. (More of that good hygiene!)
20. Thrusting his hips, laughing. (Shouichi promptly walked back out, shaking his head in shame.)
21. Putting clippies in his hair. (…Why?)
22. Working out with his Thighmaster. (That was just strange).
23. Lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. (Apparenly, Byakuran wants to put those glow in the dark stars and planets on his ceiling. It'd be cool.)
24. Braiding Iris's hair. (How on Earth Byakuran managed to get a comb in that afro was beyond him.)
25. Drawing perverted things on his window with a dry erase marker. (Which is made even weirder by the fact that there aren't any boards in the Melone base that require dry-erase markers, so there is no real reason for his dear boss to be in possession of one.)
26. Watching porn. (Again, way up there on the awkward list.)
27. Filming porn. (Yeah…about that…)
28. Sleeping on the couch. (He had a cold, and had taken some medicine that makes you drowsy.)
29. Chasing Mukuro around his desk. (Shouichi actually sat back and watched for a while. Mukuro can be quite agile when he's dead set on not getting chained to the floor and ass-raped by a lunatic).
30. Trying to eat with chopsticks. (He gave up two minutes in and started eating with his hands, like a baboon.)
31. Looking for that post it note he was holding yesterday. (The one stuck to his ass. Haha)
32. Playing Spider solitaire, when he's supposed to be reviewing important financial documents. (Documents that Shouichi usually ended up having to go over himself.)
33. Waxing his eyebrows. (Byakuran screams like a woman.)
34. Bidding on random things on ebay. Reeeeally random things. (Shouichi once had to sign off on a box containing a rare cheese from some obscure Eastern European country, which according to Byakuran, cost him eighty- five cents, plus an additional thirteen dollars in shipping fees.)
35. Solving a rubix cube. (He quit after three hours. Shouichi solved it in three minutes.)
36. Watching soap operas. ('Days of our Lives' is his favorite.)
37. Rubbing his nipple. (He was getting odd pains. Shouichi ended up giving him a breast examination because Byakuran thought he had cancer.)
38. Spray painting on the carpet. The seven thousand dollar carpet. (He got really high off of the paint fumes.)
39. Trying to renew his driver's license online. (And failing, because Byakuran is inept when it comes to menial tasks.)
40. Mixing drinks. (If it wasn't for the fact that he was a Mafia boss, Byakuran could've made a decent living as a bartender).
41. Making a chicken patty on his George Forman grill. (And getting grease all over his hand crafted cherry oak desk, mind you).
42. Watching foreign films with no subtitles. (Byakuran likes to make up his own dialogue).
43. Filing his nail. (It broke. No mystery to solve there.)
44. Playing Checkers with himself. As in moving a piece on one side, quickly running around to the other side of his desk, and countering the move he just made. (Of course, he could have just gotten someone to play with him, but if that thought hadn't occurred to him on his own then Shouichi was certainly not going to help him.)
45. Meditating on his desk. (Shouichi swore he was trying to levitate.)
46. Washing his clothes. (But not with a washing machine like a normal person. With one of those weird scrubby things they used on the old frontier like a hundred years ago. He probably bought it for a dollar plus thirty-five dollars shipping on Ebay.)
47. Weaving a basket out of folded paper. (Boredom is a terrible thing.)
48. Eating a cake. (Literally, a whole cake. He cut out one tiny slice, put it in his bottom drawer, and then ate the rest. Evidently, he was trying to watch his weight. *Facepalm*)
49. Waving at the people in the building directly across the street. (Who promptly closed the blinds, and refuse to open them to this day.)
50. Plucking the feathers off of a chicken. (Shouchi wasn't sure when this had stopped being a mafia base, and became the little house on the prairie. Apparently, he hadn't received that memo in his email.)
… Yeah. Byakuran was certainly… different. But in the very least, it was never a dull moment around the white-haired mafia boss. Shouichi supposed he should just knock before going into Byakuran's office next time. Or maybe he should just loosen up a little, like his boss.
Well, maybe not that much.
Okay seriously…I have NO idea where this came from. All I know is that it's late, and I was really bored, and I suddenly starting thinking of all this weird crap Byakuran should do in his office. He does look like the kind of guy who does some pretty interesting things when he's not being evil, don't you think?
Read and Review if you laughed as hard as I did. I swear I almost had an aneurysm typing some of these.