I don't own Chuck et al.
Wepdiggy still hasn't sued me, so I guess one more can't hurt….
The General vs Fan Fiction
"And good morning to you too, General." Chuck tried not to react to Sarah's gentle nudge against his ankle. He hoped her toes hurt as much as his ankle did now.
Beckman studied her civilian asset for a moment. It was the same glare that had once made a Colonel (full bird) and a 4 term senator (Dem. Maine) blub like small children. She continued (damned if she would let his cheek make her react) "I have a report here. A disturbing report. Apparently the United States of America's most important, and expensive, intelligence asset, and his CIA handler…."
Alright, so she allowed a little bit of distain there, but this woman had been making 'doe eyes' at the intersect host since they'd met
"…have been posting some sort of fiction" more distain snuck through, but she couldn't help it "on the internet. Agent Walker, would you care to explain?"
'Wow' thought Chuck, 'even the General can do the Spock eyebrow thing. Why is it that I'm the only one who can't do it, and yet I'm the only one who understands where ….'
Chuck snuck a look at Sarah. For just a fraction of a second, she had the same look as someone who has realised that challenging the chef to 'make it a really hot curry this time' wasn't the best idea. May be should help her…
"…. I understand your concerns. Believe me, I had the same concerns when I found out that the asset had been ….. what the asset was doing…" Sarah studiously refused to make eye contact with Chuck.
Chuck tried to Spock, but all he really did was scrunch his face up. Everyone ignored him.
"…..and when I studied the asset's body of work….."
Casey suddenly had a coughing fit. And one of the coughs sounded suspiciously like a word that ended in 'butter.'
"…..as well as some of the other fictions on the site…"
Suddenly Chuck needed to cough as well. 'Some of the other fictions?' it was damned near two days, forty eight hours that she'd been on line.
Sarah resisted the sudden urge to tap forehead(s) into the concrete floor. Repeatedly.
"…..TV show. While the premise of the show is espionage based, the bulk of the program, along with the fictions, are about the relationships of the characters, or …."
Beckman let Sarah flounder. She allowed herself a little moment of enjoyment before cutting the agent off.
"Very well. However, my analysts have also read some of these 'works.' In one of them, written by the asset himself, the agents are given mission data inside one such fiction."
"General" Chuck began "that was just an idea that was from an earlier draft when I had set it during season…"
"Never the less, the possibility exists. Chuck, you opened this can of worms. We need to make sure that nothing like this is really happening. You need to check these fictions for covert enemy data." Interrupted the General.
"What?" three voices cried in unison.
"Nice going, numb nuts. This mission just keeps on getting worse. Walker? Couldn't you have, oh I don't know, distracted him somehow" Sarah rolled her eyes "and stopped the moron from being….." Casey hesitated. Damn-it, now Bartowski would…..
"Moronic? Cretinous? Special Needs? As thick as a whale omel…." Her elbow was surprisingly sharp, and stopped Chuck from supplying any further options.
"Chuck, this is serious. While you may think that the General is over-reacting" she ignored both men's grunts "she may well be correct. This is a risk, and also an opportunity. What if there is covert data being passed on using the fictions? And what if we could use them to do just that? Who's going to suspect someone reading…."
"So, let me get this straight? We now have to wade nipple deep in amateurish sludge, on the off chance that….." groused Casey.
"Oh, it's better than that, John" Chuck deliberately used his first name to a) annoy him, and b) because the trio were nearing the Buy More doors "there's actually more than one show on TV, annnd soooo…"
"Let's….. just work one spy related show for now, Chuck." Sarah tried to keep the peace.
Casey split off to his Beastmaster domain with a grunt.
'Sarah, you do have some idea of how many fictions that there….."
"I know, Chuck. But can't you… you're a smart guy. Can't you create some sort of artificial intelligence program to…."
Morgan appeared in a flash (as if he'd been waiting just inside the front doors, waiting for Chuck's return) and clutched at Chuck's shirt sleeve, "Dude! Have you got any idea how… Hot it is, for a woman exposing that much skin, to use the phrase 'A.I.' in a sentence? The last time that happened to me, I went home wearing mojito. My Ewok shorts have never been the same since."
Sarah looked down at her Double O singlet. It wasn't that short. And it totally wasn't her fault. Blood was such a pain to wash out. So, she'd ….. shortened it with her knife.
Besides, Chuck had the most …. dreamy expression when she wore it.
Chuck remembered the mojito incident. It was in a night club Morgan had dragged him to a few years ago. The words 'A.I.' were first preceded by "What the ….." and rounded out by "keep away from me, you little…" and then there was a splashing sound. The evening went downhill after that.
Morgan left, shaking his head at his best friend's incredible good fortune. Chuck smiled a little smile for himself, and a very big one for Sarah. She dipped a curtsy at him, returning the grin.
"He's right, you know. It's very hot, Miss Walker."
Sarah had a wicked thought…..
She stepped right up to him, trailing a finger down his tie. "Hmm, we'll have to do something about that, won't I? Doing anything after work?"
Chuck repressed a shiver "Nothing I can't postpone for a few…. days"
"Days? Confident, are we now?" she Spocked an eyebrow.
"Well, I was there with Morgan, you know? I'll need that time to wash the alcohol out of my…."
"Who said anything about alcohol? I'm thinking whipped cream…" she intimated in her most sensual moment to date.
Chuck kind of zoned out for a moment. When he came to, she was giving him a quizzical smile. God, she loved it when he was trying to process….
"You can't just do that, woman! Give me some sort of warning before…."
She smiled again, and stepped right up close to him. She whispered into his ear "Chuck? Serves you right for getting me in trouble with the General." She reserved that particular smile for occasions. Such as this.
"You know, you have a really evil smile when you want to, Sarah."
"Ooh, you have no idea….. and I haven't finished with you just yet, Mr Bartowski" she cheerily concluded, loud enough for the slack jawed Nerd Herd. Yes, she had a spring in her step as she returned to the yogurt shop. All eyes followed her out of the store, and then snapped back to stare at Chuck.
One day soon, he was sure his locker in the break room was going to get turned into a Voodoo shrine by the guys, when he wasn't looking.
"Hats for bats" he muttered to himself as he started doodling some ideas for a search engine.
They left Casey with a list of the most …..romantically fluffy fictions Chuck knew off the top of his head. That might have been Sarah's idea. Chuck toyed with the idea of adding some male male slash, but honestly couldn't be that cruel.
Chuck was trying to create a search engine that would help them. Sarah just kept on reading the most recent fictions.
"Chuck? Did you know you got a mention in this one?"
Chuck looked up from his Boolean juggling act "Mmmm?"
"Have you read this one? 'Twist in the tale.' One of the middle chapters, he wrote a version of the photo copier advert you mentioned. And he lists your story as the basis for the idea."
"Hey, is that…." Chuck had huge grin. "My first shout out. Wow. Can you post a review for me please? I think I need to thank him. Wow." She smiled at his enthusiasm, and let him proof it before clicking send.
"Um, Chuck?" he looked up. He'd never get this thing done if she kept… Sarah, was sitting cross-legged on his bed, using one of his laptops. She could interrupt him anytime.
"You remember that "I love you too" scene you wrote, when Claire falls asleep? He's got the same thing. Only….. he wrote that before you did…. I'm sorry Chuck."
Chuck shrugged "Well, if we keep hunting, I suspect we'll find someone else wrote the same thing ages ago. My Dad used to say 'the only original ideas are from the Bible, or Shakespeare.'"
The distinctive sounds of a silenced pistol wafted through the open Morgan Door. Chuck instantly found himself flat on the floor beside the bed with Sarah straddled over the top of him. She delved into her bra for a blade. "Stay here" she hissed while staring at the window. And then she stared at him, hard. "I mean it, Chuck." She might have waved the blade a little for emphasis.
And she was out the window. After a moment came her musical laughter. When she came back in to the room, she was still chortling "Maybe we should find something else for Casey to hunt through. He's dusted off his indoor shooting range. And maybe you should keep a low profile around him for the next few ….just keep a low profile."
It was the foreign language translations he wasn't happy with. But everyone reported glitches with online translations, so….. live with it. And then he realised what he was doing. Creating something that could only have one use, to find something that he knew wasn't there. But it was the engineer in him that wanted to make it as good as he could make it.
"I guess it's ready for a test." He murmured. Sarah came up behind him, resting her chin on his shoulder. She grinned at him when he looked up. He returned to his work with a grin.
It was 'Blackadder' that made him choose his first run – "Their operas last for three or four days. And they have no word for fluffy." So, fluffy German it would be.
The engine found a single item. When Chuck opened it up, there was a page written in German. It had highlighted whatever the German word for fluffy was. It was a long word.
Sarah was simultaneously congratulating Chuck, and reading the page, when she went "Awww." Just like a real girl.
"Sarah, did you just…"
Her eyes were glistening "It's about a lost pussy kitten….."
Casey chose that moment to empty his clip into the fireplace.
"You know this is a waste of time?" said Chuck, as he did some last minute fiddling on his computer.
"I've been saying that since I met you, you idiot."
Chuck straightened up and addressed the other two in his room. "Look, I've been reading these fictions for some time now. No flashes. Nada. Zip. And so-oooo, say hullo to my leedle frien." As he theatrically pushed the return key.
Chuck stood facing his audience. Casey just looked, well, like Casey. Sarah looked at him proudly.
They both were looking at his screen with raised eyebrows. What?
Chuck turned to look at the results.
51,314 results found in 3.2 seconds.
"What! No! That's not right!"
*Grunt* (I may just go back to bed, and cry for a little bit.)
Who's who in the zoo –
I forget who's fiction had a scene with Beckman claiming Sarah had been making 'doe eyes' at Chuck, but I loved that expression. Put your hand up. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
Costas TT – "Twist of Fate." Seriously, my first shout out. How chuffed was I for the rest of the day? And I thought I was so clever with my "I love you too" scene. Costas beat me to it.
KurtakinGirl – One word. "Downy."
What fictions would make Casey dust off his indoor static mechanical firing range? To be honest, probably all of them. I had something like the following in mind –
carolinelea "After, Before, Always"
purplepeopleeater78 "Sarah's Name" and
KateMcK "Chuck vs her real name"
Don't worry guys, I'm pretty sure Casey hasn't got your photo on the spinny thing in his fireplace. Pretty sure.