A/N: Happy Christmas. I got enough time (20 minutes) to write something as a present. It has absolutely nothing to do with the Monty Python series of shorts, save that it is, as the title suggests, something Completely Different. Please, enjoy.

Pairings: Uryuu/Ichigo (hinted), Uryuu/Shiro

Warning: this is crack. If you do not like yaoi pairings or hints at crossdressing, you are perfectly free to leave this page and find more comforting straight relationship based things elsewhere. Characters in this are OOC as hell, but it is Christmas. And no argument will manage to convince me that Uryuu Ishida would not be the dominant one in an Ichi/Ishi relationship, despite what everyone else might think. Have a nice day~


Uryuu Ishida had not been anticipating a knock on his door at that particular point in time. Nonetheless, despite the fact he couldn't quite get an accurate reading on the reiatsu of whoever it was, he went to open it anyway.

Standing in front of him, and looking somewhat uncomfortable, was Ichigo's not-quite-so-inner-right-now Hollow, holding a gift-wrapped box.

He stared.

The hollow gave an embarrassed kind of cough.

"…hi."

Uryuu Ishida blinked.

I already received a present from Kurosaki. What's he doing here?

The Christmas present he'd received from Kurosaki had sounded satisfactorily like the new sewing machine he'd been ogling, given the way it shifted in its packaging. The return gift he'd given had been a set of Shakespeare's more romantic sonnets, as well as a copy (in the original English, of course) of Romeo and Juliet, something that had been sent with a tad of wry humour. Uryuu had had plans for afterwards, of course… that nice dress… but that could wait until Christmas Day itself.

Having Shirosaki-san turn up on his doorstep was somewhat unexpected.

Uryuu became aware that the silence was rapidly becoming extremely awkward.

"…yes?"

"…I brought ya a present." He handed over the box.

"Thanks." Uryuu tilted it curiously from side to side, trying to see what was in there. The contents seemed surprisingly heavy, and rolled from side to side.

"Ya might not wanna wait 'til tomorrow t' open it…" Shiro shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot.

His suspicion was immediately aroused. "Why not?"

"…might not keep 'til then…" He was staring at the ground, normally white skin flushed to a pale peach colour.

food?

Uryuu carefully undid the ribbon and took the lid off.

The dismembered head of Mayuri Kurotsuchi stared lifelessly back at him.

[Thoughts in consequential order:

1. Oh dear kami he gave me a head as a Christmas present.

2. …what the hell?

3. …Shiro is a hollow, after all…

4. …Shiro gave me a Christmas present?

5. …he… likes me…]

"…I know ya never liked him much, so I kinda thought – "

Uryuu stared at the suddenly anxious-to-please expression on the face of the hollow. Whatever the courtship rituals for hollows were, he supposed it was ridiculous to expect them to be anything like a human's. And for all he knew, the head of your decapitated arch-nemesis might indeed be an acceptably romantic gift… for a hollow, perhaps. Humans, not so much.

Evidently there was more re-education in line before the year was out…

…but his pale complexion would look damn good in that dress…

Uryuu opened the door further, sighing.

"Come on in, then."