Say It Out . . . What?
Rating: M for crude humor and language
Synopsis: My take on what the "Meadow Scene" would have been like if the Twilight movie had been a comedy - you know, like it should have been! Highly OOC. Crude humor and snark abounds. Rated M
A/N: So you know that scene in the Twilight movie where Bella is standing in the woods with a cranky, bloodthirsty vampire trying to figure out what he is? Yeah…this is that. Well, sort of! There might be a few *cough* modifications…nothing drastic…or irreverent…or humorous at all! *author glances away guiltily* LOL
Anyhoo, I wrote this drabble and thought I would post it as kind of a Christmas "thank you." But as it is with most Christmas presents, some of you might think this is great and will treasure it, and others might see it as one of those bulky, atrocious holiday sweaters that your favorite knitting-crazy relative, twice removed made for you… Either way, here it is.
I have a few friends that I should really thank for their input, but I don't want to out them in case this tanks like the Titanic. They know who they are. Thanks!
PS. You might not want to eat...or drink anything while reading this.
"You're impossibly slow . . . and dangerous behind the wheel," Bella said, eying Edward speculatively.
Edward tilted his head and glanced at Bella thoughtfully before replying, "Well, Bella, that's because your truck is a piece of shit."
"Don't insult the truck," she whispered like the vehicle could hear her. "Jake's sensitive."
"You named your truck Jake?"
"Yeah, got a problem with that?"
"Nope, I find it . . . strangely appropriate - a worthless hunk of crap that's destined to make my life a living hell. Jake it is!"
"Keep talking like that and I'll never let you drive him again!"
"Really? Well then, Jake's a decrepit antique and he smells bad," Edward said, rolling his eyes.
"I like decrepit antiques!"
Edward grimaced. "Obviously . . . You were saying?"
"Your skin is pale white and—"
He snorted, his eyes sweeping over her reproachfully. "And your point is what, Casper?"
Bella gave him the finger with a pointed sneer and continued, "And ice cold . . ."
"Uh . . . circulation problems?" Bella tried to glance surreptitiously at his crotch, but Edward noticed. He growled and snapped, "Not that kind of circulation problem!"
"Ah, I see the little blue Vagina pill is working for you then!"
She frowned. "You know, Edward, it's not polite to talk about a girl's Viagra," she replied in a hushed and reprimanding tone, tilting her head to the side and furtively motioning downwards.
He let out a longsuffering sigh. "Never mind. Please continue."
"You act like you've got a stick up your ass and sometimes you dress . . . dress like my grandpa."
"Pfft! Polyester never goes out of style!" He slapped his taut buttocks and the thwack reverberated through the forest with a pronounced screechy rasping.
"You never eat or drink anything . . ."
"What about the Ensure I drank this morning? And I ate my Wheaties, too! Otherwise I would have never been able to carry your heavy ass up this mountain!"
Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "Heavy ass? Really, Edward?"
He just shrugged. "I just call 'em as I see 'em, Bella."
"Prick," she murmured. "They do make things called gyms, you know. Maybe you should check one out. That way the next time we come up here I won't have to listen to you huffing and puffing and bitching about how heavy 'spider monkeys' are!" Bella folded her arms across her chest and stared at him with a lifted brow and a doubtful look in her eye. "And I totally know that you did not eat 'Wheaties' and drink an 'Ensure' this morning!" She snorted and rolled her eyes. "As if! I heard you this morning moaning my name and grunting like a pig in the tree outside my window. You totally woke me up! And by the way, Peeping Tom much? Creep!"
Bella waited, tapping her foot and letting the heavy silence between them permeate the surrounding forest until finally he sighed.
"Okay, But I'm not a Peeping Tom; I'm a stalker. Huge difference! And Ensure? Wheaties? Yeah, I had an old dude and a jock—same difference . . ."
"Had? You know like . . . had . . . ?"
"What? No!" he shouted. "I mean like ate."
Bella's eyes widened. "You ate them?"
Edward smirked. He was glad that she was finally beginning to see how dangerous he was. "Yeah," he replied with a slight smirk.
"You're into guys?" Bella shouted before muttering, "Damn it all! I knew it! It was obvious how into Mike he was. He stared at him all the time! Jess warned me that he was gay. I can't believe that I let him bring me out here. Into the freaking woods. What was I thinking? Oh, yeah, I was thinking that he might want to eat me! Pfft!" She began to tick off points on her fingers. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cute, rich, metrosexual - and NOT a neanderthal . . . Shit!"
"No! No, I'm not—"
"I can't believe this. Here I thought . . . never mind." Bella took a deep breath. "You know, you can be who you really are with me. That's cool. You should totally let me fix you up with my cousin, Emmett, by the way. He's a virgin!" she whispered from behind her hand. "But you didn't have to drag me out into the woods to tell me your big secret!" She made quote signs in the air as she said this.
Edward grabbed Bella's shoulders. "Whoa. Stop. It's not what you think. I'm not gay."
"Really, Edward, I think it's awesome that you're homosexual. We should totally hang out more often!"
"Homosexual?" he exploded, flustered. "I'm not even homo-sapien!"
"Sure!" she said, turning to walk away.
"No, really, I'm not!"
Bella turned, her lips twisting with doubt. "You said you had a jock this morning, Edward. That you ate him . . ."
"It's not what you think! I drank—"
"Sorry, but friends don't let friends live in denial," Bella singsonged, throwing her hands over her ears. "La, la, la, la, Laaaaaaaah!"
"No, I mean I sucked his . . . I mean I–oh, fuck!"
Bella threw up her hands. "I've heard enough!"
"No! Listen. I sneaked into his house . . ."
"Uh huh . . ."
"Tiptoed into his bedroom . . ."
"Jerked back his covers . . ."
"Pulled him from his bed and into my arms and . . ."
"Edward, you had me 'ate him.' I don't need the book when the cliff notes will suffice."
He growled in frustration. "Just . . . listen, damn it! Where was I?"
"Uh, you pulled him into your bulging, muscular arms and crushed him to your heaving chest, biting back a groan of ecstasy . . . "
"What? I didn't say—"
"Sorry, I was just having a little romance novel moment thinking about you and the jock. It's really kinda hot, you know. Was it Mike Newton?"
"I wish," he muttered darkly. "Look, Bella, I need you to focus for a moment," he said, snapping his fingers in front of her face. "That's right. Focus. I took him in my arms and bit him. You know, on the neck."
"Uh . . . no . . . I mean . . . I drank his—"
"I think we've been over this, Edward."
"I mean, I drank his blood, Bella!" he blurted out!
"Right. Next you'll tell me you chase furry little woodland creatures in your spare time. Whatever!" she said with a wave of her hand. "Moving on . . . You don't go out in the sunlight."
"Uh . . . yeah, " he said, his eyes shifting to the side. "Don't want age spots . . ." He bit his lip, chagrined, before quickly stepping to the side to miss a beam of light that was shining down through the trees.
"How old are you?"
She sniffed in disbelief. "How long have you been seventeen? 'Cause those pants you are sportin' are at least thirty . . ." Bella said, wrinkling her nose at his green and purple plaid trousers.
"A while, huh? What kind of 'a while' do you mean? Is it the kind that means 'I'll be right back, but first I've got to tell all of my football buddies how I banged you behind the bleachers' or the kind of 'a while' that means the doctor is out there telling your parents about your crotch crickets and various venereal diseases, or the kind - "
"Bella . . . how? Um . . . you know what? I don't want to know. So, where were we?"
"I know what you are . . ."
"Ah, shit, I left my bottle of True Blood on the table this morning, didn't I?" he paused, "or was it the fangs in the denture soak? Damn, I know what it was! It was that book, The Vampire Diaries! I promise you that I don't typically read girly shit like that, Bella, but it was just so freaking good!"
"Um, actually, it was the birthday banner in the cafeteria that said 'Happy 107th Birthday, V-Boy!'"
Edward sighed again. "Okay, so you think you know what I am? Well then, say it . . . out loud!"
"Are you afr—What?"
Edward wrapped his arms around the trunk of tree and grunted, jerking the tree back and forth until he ripped it from the ground and tossed it into the distance. "Can R. Kelly do that, Bella?"
She paused thoughtfully. "Well, if the tree had identification stating that it was fifteen years old, I'm pretty sure that R. Kelly would do it."
Edward growled and punched a tree, causing it to fall over with a loud crash.
"Hmm . . . Charlie Sheen?"
"Charlie Sheen? What the hell, Bella?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. You just seem to enjoy tearing shit up, that's all."
"Damn it, Bella. Look, I'm really old . . ."
"Yeah! Really, REALLY old . . . I mean like geriatric. Hey, were you around when the dinosaurs—?" Edward glared at her and she stopped speaking.
He parted his lips and showed her his teeth. "I've got fangs, see?"
"Right here," he said pointing.
"I still don't see them."
"Look closer . . ."
"Still don't see any fangs, but I do see that you have some crazy crooked shit going on in there. And what is that crap between your teeth?" she asked, cringing. "It looks like . . . fur? Ewww . . . Don't you floss?"
"Well, what about my cape? That's a clue if ever there was one!"
"You mean that ratty ass bathroom you insist on walking around in?"
"It's a cape."
"It's belted around your waist and is paisley printed . . ." Bella paused. "Oh! I've got it. I know what you are!"
Edward sniffed. "Oh . . . kay . . . ?"
Edward growled, staring at her balefully. "You know, I'm rethinking that whole not killing you bit. Just saying . . ."
A/N: So... How about I just go ahead and take a cue from Larry the Cable Guy?
*author hangs head* "Oh, fandom, I apologize . . ."
Anyhoo, I'm a little nervous here and just hoping that you didn't find it offensive . . . or completely unfunny.
I'm running off to hide and while I'm there I'll totally have to work on introducing Edward to MY...uh, I mean BELLA'S cousin Emmett!