Naruto, Pery Sage
Ch 01: Home Alone
Author's Note: This fanfic was inspired by a 1-shot by Lord of the Land of Fire, and is done with his permission. This is a light-hearted fic done for entertainment and laughs, (at least after the intro ch 1) though it will have lots of lemons (and all the related things you expect from me) eventually, so don't expect any big fights or super powerful villians plotting Konoha's destruction, because you won't find it. While Naruto will be super powerful, he won't actually use it much, and even then it won't be to kill anyone. You want laughs and lemons, with some hardcore perviness (eventually) then read and review, ya want serious action, drama and/or canon accurate characters/storyline... you're SO reading the wrong fic. This fic only follows canon up to the point Naruto left for his 3 year training mission with Jiraiya, after that it takes a hard right into MY world. Don't like it, read another fic.
===April 1, 1:12 PM, Konoha Main Gate===
Naruto: age 15
He walked up to the Main Gate, paused a moment to sigh, then stepped inside and to the guard post to the left and held out his papers. "Naruto Uzumaki, I'm back from my mission assigned three years ago." Naruto said emotionlessly, normally he'd be smiling like an idiot, but he hadn't smiled in months.
The Chunin with the bandage across his nose took the papers and after almost staring at the blonde in front of him, checked the papers. "Welcome back Naruto..." He was about to ask where Jiraiya was when he took a second look at Naruto, specifically his eyes, never in his life had he seen such despair, something was very wrong. "Please report to the Tower immediately.".
"Tsunade still Hokage?" Naruto said and the guard nodded as he handed his papers back. "At least she's still around." Naruto said, nodded and vanished in a swirl of leaves.
===Hokage Tower, Waiting Room===
"I need to see Tsunade immediately." He said emotionlessly just after appearing in front of the desk.
"You can't just..." Shizune said still looking at her desk behind a small wall of papers, freezing when she caught a flash of orange, only 1 person she'd ever encountered wore orange. She raised her head slowly, and was stunned by someone that looked like Naruto, but his eyes were nearly lifeless. "N,Naruto-kun... is that you?" Shizune asked as she stood, noticing he was only a few inches shorter than her now.
"Hai, she in? I've had a very long trip and I'm not looking forward to giving her this report." Naruto said.
Shizune suddenly noticed someone was missing, and put 2 and 2 together. "Hai, just a moment." Shizune said and went into Tsunade's office.
A few moments later the door half opened, Shizune looked out and waved him in. He crossed the room, entered the office, went to the desk and stopped in front of it. She looked just like he remembered.
Tsunade looked at him a moment, she almost didn't believe it was him, the Naruto she knew had a zest for life that couldn't be contained or restrained. She turned and looked at the window behind her a moment, expecting to see him there with that big perverted grin. She turned back to Naruto. "So where's that old pervert, don't tell me he's already back to his research before even reporting." She said sternly, visibley a little annoyed.
"No, he's dead." Naruto said in a dead voice.
Tsunade snapped bolt upright in her chair. "If this is some twisted April Fools Day joke Naruto..."
"Pain killed him about three months ago, I sealed his body in a scroll and brought it back for a proper burial." Naruto said emotionlessly.
Tsunade slumped in her chair as her heart started to break. "I want the whole story Naruto, I don't care how long it takes."
Naruto nodded, then told her everything, his training the first year and a half, the chance encounter with the Akatsuki member in Rain Country, the beating he took before he and Jiraiya managed to kill him. His increased training over the next year as they looked for their Hideout, finally finding it, then his battles with 1 of them as Jiraiya confronted Pain, then what happened when he saw Pain kill him, what happened with his Seal, he told her who he talked to in his mindscape after it happened, not missing the look of utter shock on Tsunade's face when he said her name, then what she did, giving him full access to and control of Kyuubi's power, him sealing Jiraiya's body in a scroll before confronting all of them... then wiping the mountain he was inside and everything within a mile of him from existance with a single, unescapable jutsu he called Kami's Wrath, then seeking out and finding Sasuke, only to find Orochimaru had taken over his body not 2 weeks after he'd killed Pain and the Akatsuki, that he killed Kabuto and then Orochimaru he killed with a special jutsu that sent his soul to Shinigami in exchange for a favor from the Death God, then that he returned to Konoha.
To say Tsunade and Shizune were stunned would be the understatement of the century. Tsunade managed to compose herself first. "Wait... you mean that Shinigami owes you a favor?" She said, almost unable to believe she'd actually said it.
"Hai... he did." Naruto said calmly.
"Did? Naruto... what did you do?" Tsunade asked cautiously, and a little scared.
"A soul for a soul, he got Orochmaru's, and in six months when I turn sixteen, I'll get someone back, can't tell you who it is though, you may be Hokage, and no offense, but you aren't shit compared to Shinigami. You wanna know then take it up with him." Naruto said, pulled a scroll from his pocket and tossed it onto Tsunade's desk. "His body is in there, I don't care what your personal feeling were, but he's getting a funeral worthy of him, everyone that knew him is going to give a speech honoring him in some way, including you, then I'm taking the rest of the time until my birthday off, after that... you can promote me to Jonin or I can retire and leave Konoha forever, Wave is just one of the Countries will treat me like a hero. No wonder you left here years ago, you were right, Konoha is a shithole. I'm going to lunch then to my apartment, and I don't want any guests." Naruto said strongly, then vanished..
"Not a word Shizune... not one, damn, word. Get out, I want to be alone." Tsunade said.
Shizune nodded and left the office, shutting the door behind her.
As soon as the door shut tears stared rolling down Tsunade's cheeks as she looked at the scroll sitting on her desk, and the Naruto she knew seemed to be gone forever.
===1:58 PM, Ichiraku Ramen===
He stepped thru the curtain and a small smile pushed its way onto his face. "Gimme a large bowl of whatever is ready."
"Could you be more specific about..." Ayame said as she turned to the new customer and froze in shock for a moment. "No... you can't be... Na, Nar... Naruto-kun?" The now 22 year old Ayame said.
"I leave for a couple years and you forget my name." Naruto said, feeling a little better about being back in Konoha.
Ayame ran to the counter leaned over it and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"If you were anyone else I'd get the wrong idea." Tauchi said from the doorway to the back room.
Ayame quickly released him, blushing. "Sorry Naruto, did you just get back? Look at you, so tall and handsome." Ayame said.
Teuchi coughed, snapping Ayame out of her daze. "Welcome back Naruto... new recipe, shrimp and lobster in a spicy chicken broth.".
"Sounds good, I'll take a big bowl." Naruto said.
Teuchi filled a quart bowl, and handed it to Ayame to give to Naruto.
Naruto sniffed it, smiled a little bigger, took out his own chopsticks from his coat pocket and slurped a big mouthful. "Excellent! You have no idea how much I missed this... best ramen in the World, and I know, I walked it. No one else is even close."
Teuchi and Ayame smiled proudly.
===3:05 PM, Naruto's Apartment===
Naruto opened his door and walked in, the 5 Shadow Clones he'd made before going to Ichiraku's, were just finishing up. "Be it ever the shithole, there's no place like home. Thanks guys." Naruto said then with a thought dispelled them, gaining the memories. "Eh, I'll restock the fridge and shelves tomorrow... at least everything still works. I better get a shower, I doubt I'll be alone more than an hour, two tops." Naruto said, flashed through a series of hand signs then clapped his hands together. "CHAKRA CAGE SEAL!" There was a whoosh then a metallic 'clink' sound and the walls, floor and ceiling glowed for a moment. "There, let's see someone get thru ." Naruto said, then slipped off his jacket, tossed it over the back of a chair and headed for the bathroom.
Naruto walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist, paused a moment to chuckle, then turned and went into his bedroom, shutting the door. 2 minutes later he came out in black pants and a sleeveless orange shirt, hitai-ite around his forehead, casually crossed the room and sat on the couch next to his guest. A female ANBU with long purple hair, her feet were shackled to the floor, her wrists together, and despite her mask, her tapping right foot told him she was annoyed. Naruto made the release sign with his right hand. "GAG RELEASE." There was a soft popping sound.
"How did you do this, I couldn't avoid it or use my chakra afterward? I've been standing here for ten minutes." She said.
Narito smirked. "A little seal I created to take care of any uninvited guests. Until I release you, you're right, you can't use your chakra, I can do anything I want to you and there's nothing you can do about it, even Tsunade couldn't break it... so when does she want to see me?" Naruto said.
Behind her mask the full scope of that little statement quickly sunk in, he could kill her, even strip her nude and rape her if he wanted to. "Most impressive Naruto-san... six o'clock at her office. Please release me... this is rather embarrassing."
"Tell me your real name, and that you owe me a favor, anything I want, then I'll release you and I won't tell anyone what happened. I thought I made it clear I wanted to be alone, if this happens again that person won't be as lucky as you. I'm in no mood for any of this official crap."
"If I may ask, what happens if I refuse?" She asked calmly, but inside was actually nervous.
Naruto's expression went dead. "I'll strip you bare ass naked except for your ANBU mask, put a seal on you that'll permanently block your chakra and voice and personally drop you off in the sleaziest part of Konoha."
She swallowed nervously, she knew he was dead serious. "I apologize for entering like this but I was only following orders... my name is Yuugao Uzuki, and I agree to your terms." She said in her officially submissive voice, as if he was a superior.
"CAGE RELEASE!" Naruto said and her shackles vanished with almost no smoke. "If you ever come back, do it outside and knock. Tell her I'll be there. Oh, and Yuugao... that was only level one of that seal, there are three more I promise you no woman would want to be in." Naruto said..
Yuugao swallowed nervously, bowed in submission, thanked him and vanished.
Naruto chuckled a moment. "That was fun, almost put me in a good mood. I guess I better get everything unpacked and the seals in place." Naruto said, ignoring the laughter from the back of his mind.
===6:00 PM, Hokage Tower===
Naruto walked into her office wearing the outfit from earlier, but without his jacket. He pushed it shut and casually strolled to his spot from earlier, directly in front of Tsunade. He saw and recognized most of the others, but ignored them. "I told you I didn't want to be bothered, so this better be important... Baa-chan." Naruto said calmly.
"It is." Tsunade said calmly.
"If they're here to arrest me or something like that... you're going to lose a lot of good Shinobi." Naruto said casually.
Everyone but Naruto suddenly turned, almost staring at Kakashi who'd just laughed.
"You're just like him Naruto... and I'm sorry about Jiraiya." Kakashi said the first part amused, the second solemnly.
"Thanks Kakashi... oh, I think he'd want you to have this." Naruto said, pulled it from his pocket and tossed it to him.
Kakashi caught it and his visible right eye opened wide.
"That's the only printed copy of his last book, he always printed a single test copy before sending the manuscript to the publisher." Naruto said.
Kakashi bowed his head for a moment, then put it in his vest. "Thank you Naruto... and we aren't here to arrest you, you have my word on that."
Naruto nodded. "So I assume the Jonin and Clan Heads are here to discuss my report?"
Tsunade sighed. "Hai. First, Jiraiya's funeral will be in one month and you have my word that everyone will be there and anyone that causes any trouble, civlian or shinobi, will be immediately arrested and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law."
Naruto smiled slightly. "Good, because there's only two civilians in the whole village I give a damn about, anyone else so much as glares at me I'll put in the hospital... and anyone that tries to stop me. I'm not Konoha's whipping boy anymore." Naruto said, the last part coldly.
Tsunade dropped her 'Hokage' mask. "Naruto, he may of been a pain in my ass and the biggest pervert I've ever met in my life... but he was my team mate... and believe it or not he was my friend and I'll miss him more than anyone. Speaking as the only remaining Sannin... and your Godmother... I figured you knew that already from your reaction, if anyone disrupts his funeral or causes you any trouble because of what you are, like they did when you were growing up, you have my promise, as Tsunade Senju, his friend, former team mate and your Baa-chan, I'll knock that person through the nearest wall no matter who it is." Tsunade said sincerely.
Naruto looked at Tsunade a moment, then gave her a small nod and brief smile. "Maybe there are a few things worth staying around for."
Seeing Naruto's smile again brought some long missing joy to her heart. She was slowly bringing him out of the emotional pit he was in, something she knew all too well. "Now to business..."
===May 3, 7:45 AM, Naruto's Apartment===
Naruto was sitting on his couch, as he had been for the last month, except for Jiraiya's funeral yesterday. He'd only gone out for lunch and dinner at Ichiraku's before that, so until the funeral none of his friends had seen him, a few people had dropped by and knocked, but he'd ignored everyone. Since Jiraiya died he knew he's been an emo-teme like Sasuke had been, which oddly enough was 1 of the few things that made him laugh when he thought about it. If Orochimaru hadn't taken over his body, basically killing him, he knew he could of beaten some sense into Sasuke and brought him back as he'd promised Sakura, which was another reason for his bad mood, mainly though he just didn't know what to do with his life. He'd even talked to the fox a few times, who was friendlier than he'd expected, but still wasn't what most would call good, the furball had very limited people skills from what he'd seen.
"Its me Naruto-san." A female voice said.
Naruto almost grinned, stood and went to the door, he opened it and let the female ANBU in. "Social or business Yuugao?" Naruto said casually but politely.
Yuugao knew she wasn't suppossed to, but she raised her mask and smiled at him. "Tsunade-sama wants to see you immediately on a personal matter, I don't know what it is, but she did say to tell you that you'd love it."
"And the mask?" Naruto said, a little curious, he knew they didn't remove their mask except when ordered to by a superior.
"What you did to me a month ago had an effect on me I didn't expect... and you also earned my respect so I'm showing you my face as a sign of respect. I lost someone I cared about deeply several years ago, I've been emotionally closed off to my few friends since, you embarrassed and humbled me, and in a strange way, I enjoyed it. Your speech yesterday about Master Jiraiya also inspired me... you've opened my heart again, and even if its a secret, I'd like to be your friend, as you seem to need one. If you're ready... good, then I'll take you directly to Tsunade-sama." Yuugao said.
Naruto gave her a small smile and nodded, which made her smile. She stepped up to him, he knew to shushin them to Tsunade's office, but before she pulled down her mask she quickly leaned in and kissed his right cheek. She pulled down her mask, put a hand on his shoulder and a moment later he was in Tsunade's office.
Yuugao bowed to Tsunade and vanished.
"I take it things went much better this time, since you arrived so quickly?" Tsunade said with a subtle smirk, telling him she knew a little of what happened.
"What did she tell you?" Naruto asked calmly.
"Only that she was delayed by some very impressive defenses you set up. She wouldn't give me any details beyond that." Tsunade said.
"I created some new seals that I put on my apartment to protect it from uninvited guests. So what did you want?" Naruto said.
Tsunade smiled. "He left you everything in his Will."
This caught Naruto off guard. "Jiraiya left all his money to me?" Naruto asked, slightly stunned.
"Not just his money, everything. He had bank accounts, houses and property all over the world, and now you do." Tsunade said with a big smile.
"Why?" Naruto asked, suddenly feeling like that poor little kid again.
"You're his Legacy Naruto, he may of screwed up your childhood by not being there for you as he should of been... as I did, but you were his final, and greatest student Naruto, everything he was he put into you so you'd carry on after he died, which sadly was sooner than expected." Tsunade said, her smile fading.
Naruto stood there for a minute and let it sink in. "I never expected this... he never mentioned any of it, but if that's what he wanted for me... then I'll honor Jiraiya-sensei's memory and follow in his footsteps!" Naruto said as his old self exploded back to life and he punched the air with his classic big smile.
Tsunade smiled happily, she almost came to tears at seeing the old Naruto come back. "Naruto Uzumaki, Toad Sage... has a nice ring to it."
"Thanks Baa-chan!" Naruto said happily.
"Shizune has the paperwork for you, I signed it already, you just have to sign it and pick up your new ID, congratulations... Naruto Uzumaki, Jonin."
"Thanks Baa... did you say I'm a Jonin?" Naruto said, stunned again.
"I pushed it thru at the Council Meeting last night, All the Clan Heads approved it and the Jonin testified to your qualifications. After what you did defeating the Akatsuki and Orochimaru... oh, they all had huge bounties on them that will all be in your account by the end of the day. Once you sign the papers it'll be official."
"YEAH!" Naruto yelled and vanished in a yellow flash.
Tsunade's eyes got big as saucers and her jaw dropped. "He can do the Hiraishin?" Tsunade said blankly.
End Chapter 1
Author's Note 2: Hope you liked chapter 1, I know it was more "moody" than expected, but I needed to set everything up, and hopefully you liked my splashes of humor. From here on it gets much lighter and Naruto follows in Jiraiya's footsteps, just not the ones Tsunade expected. It may start small, but this fic will eventually reach EPIC levels of Perviness beyond all my other fics... or at least I'm gonna try my best. Oh, it'll also be really funny... I hope.