I Wish I Could Have


I hadn't planned this fic at all; if you think my Tron: Legacy fic came out of nowhere, this one is the hardest sucker punch that I've ever been clocked with. The idea came within minutes after I finished watching the conclusion of Dogoon V, and the fic itself up within less than 24 hours after that.

After I finished watching, I was just wrecked; I hadn't felt that shattered over a ship since Tidus and Yuna's goodbye in Final Fantasy X. Hell, the ending even kind of felt like the ending of Final Fantasy X. The whole thing was made worse because even though I couldn't understand most of it (still no subs available), the looks on Shouta's and Doji-chan's faces as Shouta was forced to use the Doki Doki Wave to send Doji-chan, Dogu-chan, and 11th hour pseudo-deus-ex-machina warrior Magu-chan to the end of the universe in order to save the world were just beyond heartbreaking. And, unlike with FFX, even though Shouta and Doji-chan both expressed hope that they will be reunited someday, I don't forsee a sequel in which they are together again.

I felt so awful for Shouta that I wanted to give him a hug. I'm still crying as I write. The song "Danny Boy" is going to make me choke up every time I hear it from now on.

As with the rest of my Dogoon V fics, these are based on my interpretation of raw episodes; the series, as of this writing, has not yet been subtitled, so I apologize if any description or depiction of canon events is inaccurate. (UPDATE 02/02/11: Many thanks to my boyfriend's colleague Ishikawa for translating parts of the series finale for me! You rock! ^_^ )

Kodai Shoujo Dogu-chan, Kodai Shoujotai Dogoon V, all characters, and references therein are the property of the Mainichi Broadcasting System. Final Fantasy X, all characters, and references therein are the property of Square Enix. No infringement is intended or implied.

Shouta lay on his bed, clutching Doji-chan's copy of My House magazine to his chest. He hadn't stopped crying for more hours than he cared to remember. All he knew was that he felt like an enormous hole had taken the place of where his heart had been, and he couldn't think of a way to fill it. He didn't want to. All he wanted was to see Doji-chan again.

She's gone. She's gone, and it hurts like hell.

Doji-chan, I'm sorry. I had so much more I wanted to do with you. So much more I wanted to say. Why did things have to turn out like this? Why did it have to be this way? Why?

I wish I could have taken you out on a date. Not just you coming with me to the store for groceries when we needed them; I mean a real date, where we would maybe go to the game center, go out for dinner, go see a movie, stuff like that. Even just going for a walk at night, just you and me holding hands.

I wish I could have appreciated what you did, or tried to do for me at home. I so regret how self-absorbed I was to see that you were just trying to be a good… I guess "housewife" might be too strong a term, and "housekeeper" definitely feels wrong... you tried to make life at home as comfortable as you knew how.

I wish I could have gotten the courage up to hug you at least once. I wish I could have gotten to experience my first kiss with you. I wish I could have gotten to make love to you. Do you know how often I dreamed about all of that? It's funny; the day that you, Dogu-chan, and the others came into my life, I thought I was having a bad dream. I can't remember when it started, but I eventually began to dream about you. More often than you know, I would daydream about what it would feel like to hold you in my arms. I'd catch myself imagining what your lips would feel like, what they would taste like. I'd lie here for hours at night, imagining how beautiful your body must be under that bikini, and how you would scream my name as we would share in the ultimate pleasure.

I wish I could have gotten the strength to tell you that I love you.

I could have told you when I had to send you to the end of the universe. Damn it, I should have told you. I don't know why I didn't, why all I could do was thank you and the others for being the highlight of my life and say that one day we'll live together forever. I should have told you that I love you, and I'm going to regret not doing that for the rest of my life.

Yuzou peered into the room. "Shouta," he said gently. "I've put your dinner in the fridge. Come down and eat when you feel like it."

"Thanks, Dad," said Shouta dully. After Yuzou left, Shouta turned his head and his eyes fell to his harmonica sitting on his nightstand. Still holding the magazine in one hand, he reached out to pick up the harmonica. "Doji-chan," he whispered. He peered closely at the instrument and noticed a small cloudy spot on the edge of the chrome by the comb, just right of center. His first thought was to wipe it away, but, realizing what it was, he felt his tears coming back; while he was possessed by the Dark Oyster youkai, Doji-chan had found the harmonica and had begun to play "Danny Boy" on it the best she could, desperate to reach his heart. Even though he was warped by the darkness that had taken hold of him at the time, Shouta could see tears rolling down her face as she continued to play the song that he had once told her that Yuzou had taught him, not just to serve as a source of comfort during the times that Yuzou would leave on extended research trips, but also as a message of hope that Yuzou would return home safely from those trips, and he could feel the power of the intense feelings that was driving Doji-chan's effort to bring him back from the darkness.

As he sat up, Shouta stared at the cloudy spot on his harmonica, which marked where Doji-chan's teardrop had fallen. He put the harmonica to his lips, taking care to try not to touch that one spot. Her lips touched it last… it's the closest thing to a kiss we'll ever have… He managed only the first few notes of "Danny Boy" before he was once again overwhelmed by sorrow. He hung his head as the tears began anew; he held the harmonica away from his lips, his wrists touching his forehead, until the crying jag ran its course. Licking his lips, he brought the harmonica back up and tentatively began to play "Danny Boy" again.

Even though he had played the song countless times over the years, it sounded different today. Today, it wasn't just a song that felt like a warm hug when he was feeling down or lonely. Today, it didn't just feel like a message wishing for the safe return of someone he cared deeply about. Today, it felt like a love letter; one that he was sending somewhere farther away than any place he could fathom. Doji-chan… if you can hear me… I love you.

Yes, I'm still breaking up right now. I think I need to go do some happy Shouta/Doji-chan fan art.