Disclaimer – I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh! or Shakespeare
*Rated T for Teen
All's Well That Ends Well
Act V, Scene III – Rousillon – The Count's Palace
Trumpets sounded as the King/Yami, the Countess/Yugi, Lafeu/Marik, the two French Lords, and attendants entered the stage.
"We have lost a jewel, the dear Helena. Our high regard was made much poorer by it. But your son, Bertram, who is as mad in foolishness, lacked the sense to know Helena's opinion home," said the King/Yami.
"Please, dear King, forgive Bertram. See his disobedient actions as the rash ignorance of youth," begged the Countess/Yugi.
"I have forgiven him already. I only wish that Bertram had not been so foolish about recognizing what a treasure he had in his wife. Hm. Bring him in."
"As you wish, my liege," replied a gentleman. He left in order to bring in Bertram/Seto.
The King/Yami turned to Lafeu/Marik and asked, "You want Bertram to wed your daughter? Have you spoken to him about this?"
"Ah, all that Bertram is has been mentioned to your highness," answered Lafeu/Marik.
"Then we have a match. I'll have letters sent to me that set Bertram high in fame."
At that moment, Bertram/Seto entered.
"He looks well on it," commented Lafeu/Marik.
"I have forgiven you, Bertram," said the King/Yami.
"Thank you, my lord," replied Bertram/Seto.
"And I do not want to speak about the past matter since Helena is dead. But I do have some pleasing news. I have found you a second wife; Lafeu's daughter, if you will."
"As you wish," Bertram/Seto accepted obediently.
"Good, good. You should send Lafeu's daughter some token of your affection," instructed the King/Yami.
Bertram/Seto presented the ring he recently acquired during his tryst with the supposed Diana/Ryou, who had actually been Helena/Joey.
"That ring looks like the one worn by Helena," remarked Lafeu/Marik.
"It is not hers," deadpanned Bertram/Seto.
The King/Yami grabbed the ring and started examining it. "I recognize this ring! I gave this to Helena and instructed her that if she ever needed my help, she should send this ring to me."
"It did not come from Helena," repeated Bertram/Seto, fearful of telling the King/Yami where it truly came from.
"My son, on my life, I have seen her wear it!" exclaimed the Countess/Yugi.
"I am sure I saw her wear it as well," added Lafeu/Marik.
"It is not hers!" yelled Bertram/Seto. "She never saw this ring!"
"I suspect, Bertram, that you hated your young wife so much, that you had something to do with her untimely death," stated the King/Yami.
"She never saw it!"
"I do not believe you. Guards! Arrest this man!" ordered the King/Yami. The guards seized Bertram/Seto and left the stage with him.
At this point, a gentleman entered and delivered a letter to the King. Opening the letter from Diana Capilet, he read, "'Bertram recently seduced me after convincing me that he would marry me after his wife's death. Now that he is a widower, he is bound by his oath to marry me. Bertram stole away from Florence without me, and I am compelled to find him since he took my virginity.'"
After listening to the letter, Lafeu/Marik declared, "I would rather buy a son-in-law form a circus than let my daughter marry the likes of Bertram!"
"Bring Bertram in!" roared the King/Yami.
The guards brought Bertram/Seto back onto the stage.
"I wonder, sir, which wives are monsters to you," spat the King/Yami at Bertram/Seto. "You fly them as you swear them lordship, yet you desire to marry!" The Widow/Malik and Diana/Ryou suddenly entered the stage. "Now who the hell are these women?"
"I am Diana. Bertram seduced me and broke his word on his promise to marry me."
"I am her mother," began the Widow/Malik. "I want justice done on behalf of my daughter."
"Get him over here!" ordered the King/Yami furiously. "Do you know these women?" he demanded of Bertram/Seto, emphasizing each word.
"I don't know them."
"What?" exclaimed Diana/Ryou.
"I don't know them," repeated Bertram/Seto.
"If you shall marry, you give away this hand, and that is mine. You give away heaven's vows, and those are mine. You give away myself, which is known mine; for I by vow am so embodied as yours. You must marry me," said Diana/Ryou.
"Your reputation comes too short for my daughter. You are no husband for her," stated Lafeu/Marik.
"My lord, this is a fond and desperate creature," Bertram/Seto said, indicating Diana/Ryou, "whom sometime I have laughed with. Let your highness lay a more noble thought upon my honor than for you to think that I would sink it here."
"Bertram, for my thoughts, you have them ill until your deeds gain them. You need to prove your honor," replied the King/Yami.
"Good, my lord. Ask him upon his oath if he took my virginity," said Diana/Ryou.
"What do you say?" inquired the King/Yami.
"She is insolent, my lord, and is nothing more than a common whore to the camp," Bertram/Seto answered.
"If I were a common whore, you would have bought me at a common price and would never have given me your family ring!" declared Diana/Ryou, displaying the ring for all to see.
"The ring is proof!" exclaimed the Countess/Yugi in shock.
"Hn. I thought you said that you saw someone here in court who could witness it," said the King/Yami.
"I did, my lord, but I am loath to produce so bad an instrument. His name is Parolles," replied Diana/Ryou.
"I saw the man today," said Lafeu/Marik.
"Find him and bring him here," ordered the King/Yami. An attendant left to fetch him.
"What do you want with him?" inquired Bertram/Seto.
"Diana has that ring of yours," answered the King/Yami.
"As she subdued me, she got the ring."
"Since you lack virtue," began Diana/Ryou, "I will lose a husband. Send for your ring and I will return it home and then you shall give me mine again."
"I do not have your ring!"
"What ring was yours?" asked the King/Yami.
"The one upon your finger," replied Diana/Ryou.
"You know this ring? This ring was Bertram's as of late."
"And this is what I gave him when we were abed."
"Your story then goes false. You threw it to him out of a window."
"I have spoken the truth!"
Parolles/Duke then entered the stage.
"My lord, I do confess. This ring was hers," said Bertram/Seto.
The King/Yami groaned. "Is this the man you speak of?"
"Yes, my lord," answered Diana/Ryou.
"Tell me truthfully what you know about Bertram and Diana," demanded the King/Yami of Parolles/Duke.
"Bertram is an honorable gentleman."
"Did he love this woman?"
"He did love her, but how?"
"How?" echoed the King/Yami.
"He loved her as a gentleman loves a woman."
"And how is that?"
"He loved her and loved her not," said Parolles/Duke.
"Idiot!" screamed the King/Yami. "What an ambiguous companion is this?"
"I am but a poor man and at your majesty's command."
"He's a good drum, my lord, but a naughty orator," said Lafeu/Marik.
"Did you know he promised me marriage?" asked Diana/Ryou.
"I know more than I'll speak," answered Parolles/Duke.
"But will you speak what you know?" inquired the King/Yami.
"Urgh! You say this ring is yours?" the King/Yami asked Diana/Ryou once more.
"Yes, my lord."
"Where did you buy it? Who gave it to you?"
"I did not buy it and it was not given to me."
The King/Yami narrowed his eyes. "Who lent it to you?"
"It was not lent to me either."
"Where did you find it then?"
"I did not find it."
"If it were yours by none of these ways, then how could you give it to him?"
"I never gave it to him," said Diana/Ryou seriously.
"This woman is an easy glove, my lord. She goes off and on at pleasure," commented Lafeu/Marik.
"This ring was mine. I gave it to his first wife," said the King/Yami.
"It might be yours or hers," replied Diana/Ryou.
"Taker her away. I do not like her now. To prison with her and away with him. Unless you tell me where you had this ring, you will die within the hour."
"I'll never tell you," Diana/Ryou responded.
"Take her away."
"I'll put in bail, my liege."
"I think you now some common customer."
"If ever I knew a man, it was you."
"Why have you accused him all this while?"
"Because he is guilty…and not guilty. He knows I am no maid and he will swear to it. I'll swear I am a maid and he knows not. My lord, I am no strumpet by my life. I am either maid or else this man's wife."
"She does abuse our ears. She'd be a perfect match for Lavache," muttered the King/Yami. "To prison with her."
"Good mother, fetch my bail. Stay, royal sir," exclaimed Diana/Ryou as the Widow/Malik exited the stage. "The jeweler that owes the ring is sent for, and he shall guarantee me. But for Bertram, who has abused me, as he knows himself, though yet he never harmed me, here…I quit him. He knows himself, my bed he has defiled. At that time, he got his wife with child. Dead though she is, Helena feels her young one kick. So there's my riddle: one that's dead is quick. And now behold the meaning."
The Widow/Malik re-entered the stage with Helena/Joey. The court received the appearance of the "dead woman" in astonishment.
"Is there no exorcist that beguiles the truer office of my eyes? Is it real that I see?" proclaimed the King/Yami.
"No, my good lord. It is but the shadow of a wife you see. The name and not the thing," said Helena/Joey.
"Both, both. Oh, pardon!" cried Bertram/Seto.
"Bertram, you have fulfilled both obligations you set out for me. I possess your ring and I am pregnant with your child. Dear Bertram, will you be mine now that you have been doubly won?" responded Helena/Joey.
"I am prepared to love you dearly, ever, ever dearly," replied Bertram/Seto.
Everybody appeared touched by their reunion.
Lafeu sniffed loudly as he sobbed. "My eyes smell onions!" he remarked. "Parolles, lend me a handkerchief and wait for me at home."
"Let us," started the King/Yami, "from point to point know this story, to make the even truth in pleasure flow. Diana, if you are a fresh flower, choose for yourself a husband and I'll pay your dowry."
Everyone on stage turned and faced the audience, exclaiming, "All is truly well if it ends well!"
The curtains closed and applause rang throughout the theatre. The play was finished.