A/N: I almost didn't write a Christmas fanfic this year, because I was feeling terribly lazy. But I didn't want to break tradition, since I've already done this for the past two years (and thus further digging my grave for next year, when I'll probably feel even lazier). So I wrote for about an hour last night and turned up with... this. I really don't know how to explain it except that it makes me want to hit my head on the nearest available surface. Repeatedly.
A note to explain about this: in my stories, they never move up a grade. Yeah. Haruhi and the twins are forever freshmen, no matter how many Christmases pass. The same goes for the others with their respective year levels, as I don't want to get rid of Mori and Hunny anytime soon. That may change sometime in the future though, particularly if (when?) Kaoru and Kyouya get married.
This story was done for the prompt from SaphirePhoenix: a Host Club trip gone wrong. I took some liberties with the prompt (in short, I went all-out insane with it), and I've never been to Vegas myself, but I hope that it turns out all right. This is, in fact, crack. Liberal amounts of it.
Lastly: this is set before the events of Never and Forever, but after the OTNK storyline. Without further ado, on to the mayhem!
A Very Vegas Christmas
by Magician April Aries
"Milord… milord, wake up." Tamaki groaned as someone shook his shoulder, and he blearily cracked his eyes open to see a tense-faced Hitachiin hovering over him.
"What's going on?" he grumbled. "Hikaru?" He sat up, then let out a low groan as the movement made his head throb.
Something… was not right.
Haruhi looked at him from over where she was sitting. She was pale, with a slight greenish cast to her face that suggested she was resisting the impulse to be sick all over the floor. "We're in jail," she told him a tight, horrified voice.
"Also, you're not wearing any pants," a cheerful voice chimed in from directly beside him. Tamaki blinked and noticed Hunny sitting there, then looked down and realized that yes, his lower half was clad in nothing but…
"Care Bears boxers? Really?" Hikaru said in disbelief.
"He's been saying that for the last fifteen minutes, someone please shut him up," Haruhi muttered.
"These aren't mine!"
Hikaru raised an eyebrow. "So not only are they Care Bears boxers, they're some other guy's Care Bear boxers? You're really not making it any better for yourself, milord."
The Host King rubbed at his face. "Backtrack. What happened?"
"We're in Vegas, remember? I don't think we can backtrack. Vegas has a way of doing that to you," Hikaru said with a snort.
The Host Club members always spent the holidays together, but this year the twins had had some business to attend to in their parents' stead in Las Vegas the week before Christmas. Yuzuha hadn't been eager to let them go—"Hikaru, the last time you were there you set fire to your hotel room and tried to bet your brother in a poker game!"—but when Kyouya had mentioned that he had a meeting in the approximate area, she'd acquiesced (which had made the twins protest loudly that they could very well take care of themselves and Kyouya was Kaoru's boyfriend, not their babysitter). "Last I checked, we all went to a bar. Except for Mori-sempai, he had to stay behind to take care of something his family asked him to do."
"I remember that much," Tamaki mumbled. It had been his idea to fly out with the rest of the club members to join them. And of course, it had been Hikaru's idea for them all to hit a bar—"You guys haven't experienced Las Vegas if you don't have at least one mysterious, drunken story to tell the people back home. Trust me", the redhead had said.
That should have been their first clue. Anytime Hikaru and the word 'trust' were put together in a sentence, they were all doomed.
Then his eyes flicked up to Hikaru's forehead. "Um, Hikaru… you… you have the words 'Surprise Buttsex' written in marker…"
"I know that," the freshman snapped. "Haruhi told me. I can't see it, and I don't know who wrote it there." Hunny let out a little giggle. "And Hunny-sempai is being really unhelpful."
"Aw, Hika-chan, you shouldn't be so grumpy. Or you'll end up on Santa's naughty list," the diminutive older boy chided him. "But I guess you don't have to worry about that, ne? After last night, you're bound to end up on it anyway."
"Where's Kyouya, then?"
"Probably escaped by striking a deal with a demon," Hikaru said sourly. "I always knew that cops were evil. Kaoru's not around either, I can only guess that as the demon bride he got hauled along. Also, those two are too slippery for the police to catch." Then he looked down at his hand.
"Oh… oh god, I'm married?"
"What?" Tamaki squawked.
Hunny giggled again, but when they all shot him nasty looks he simply smiled adorably back up at them until they all looked away. No one could really get mad with a face like that.
"Who the hell did I get married to?"
Tamaki checked his hands. "Not me."
Haruhi shrugged. "Doesn't look like it's me either."
"But… but, I don't know, I could have… torn off the ring in a fit of passion last night, or something. Is that why I have the words 'Surprise Buttsex' on my forehead?" His eyes widened in horror. "No. IS THAT WHY YOU HAVE NO PANTS?"
Tamaki's jaw dropped open. "We're… we're married!"
"Just great," Hikaru groaned, covering his face with his hands. "I got hitched to a guy whose brain cells are obviously in the single digits. You married me without even asking me?"
"What? You were there! Obviously you said yes!"
Hikaru paused. That, of course, could not be argued, but he wasn't going to let a little thing like the truth get in the way of a good fistfight. He frowned before finally hitting on something that he could really get mad at the blonde for. "AND WE CONSUMMATED IT IN A JAIL?"
Tamaki's cheeks flushed red. "I don't remember any consummating!"
"How would you know? You don't remember anything! We probably put on a show for the guys in the cell across ours!"
A cough made them all look up, to a distinctly amused police officer who had obviously heard their exchange. Behind her, Kyouya, Kaoru and Mori were standing.
"I think there's been a mistake, we really don't know them," Kaoru said.
"Except those two, we know those two," Kyouya added, pointing at Haruhi and Hunny.
Hikaru shot them a look of death. "You have the exact same face as I do, and you're telling me we don't know each other?"
"Maybe that's why you're in jail, for stealing my face," the younger Hitachiin said with a smirk, stuffing his hands into his pockets.
"Or in reality, a police car," Kyouya said dryly. "Among many other things you did last night."
"Start from the beginning," Haruhi commanded, lips pressed into a thin line. They were all crammed into a booth in a diner a few blocks away from the police station. Their release was partly fueled by money, partly by the charm Kyouya and Kaoru had lavishly used on the police officers (Tamaki would have joined in, but they weren't quite so sure that his charisma would still work given that the whole world knew he was wearing Care Bears boxers), and partly because they really wanted to get rid of them.
"Don't worry, I'll make sure to erase all traces of your record. Your career as a lawyer will be absolutely unblemished," Kyouya assured her.
She shot him a look, equal parts relief and sternness. "Isn't that illegal?"
"Only if he gets caught," Kaoru said with a shrug as he bit into a fry. Hikaru, Tamaki and Haruhi all declined food—the smell of it alone was making them want to gag. "Besides, we figure that Hikaru roped you into it, so it's really not your fault."
"You guys blame me for anything that goes wrong," the older redhead accused. He was wearing a beanie one of the police officers had given him out of pity. It was an acid green which clashed horribly with his clothes, but anything that hid the message on his forehead was okay by him.
"Usually you are to blame for things which go wrong," the Shadow King replied. "We can cut out most of the beginning. Basically, there was alcohol. In copious amounts. I originally replaced Tamaki's drinks with juice—"
"But then you used me to distract him," added Kaoru. "Also strippers. Which sadly proved extremely effective, because they were all over him and you should have seen him trying to fend them off. It was hilarious. He had to pull out the 'Evil Aura number three' to get them to go away."
Haruhi winced. "Evil Aura number three… I hate being on the receiving end of that."
"You guys had the brilliant idea to play drinking games. 'I Never' was the most fun, I think. We discovered that milord has indeed told sexy stories to Kuma-chan."
The Host King turned bright red. He was now wearing pants, thankfully. "I—I don't!"
"Sure, pervert king. Whatever you say."
Haruhi stared, and Mori put a comforting hand around her own. "How did they ever manage to convince me to join them?"
Hikaru shrugged. "Probably our boyish good looks. No girl could resist."
Kaoru smacked him upside the head. "You guys told Haruhi that if she was going to become a lawyer, she would have to drink to entertain clients someday. So, you know, she bought it. What you guys didn't tell her is that one or two drinks is okay. Doing shots, though, and getting so wasted you can't remember what the client told you—not okay."
"Hunny-sempai also proceeded to drink you all under the table," Kyouya said. "It only took him twenty minutes before you three were sliding out of your seats."
At that, everyone turned to stare, open-mouthed, at the innocent senior, who offered them a little smile in return.
Haruhi let her head fall to the table, never mind how many germs were probably crawling on it. "Thank you for shattering my worldview."
"Then you guys slipped away, so I'm not really sure what happened at that part until we found you again," Kaoru said. "Although apparently Kyouya-sempai's been doing damage control all night, so he knows."
"But I wasn't there personally," Kyouya pointed out.
Hunny grinned. "I know. I was there. Hikaru took us to a strip club!"
"How did you get in?" Tamaki asked Hunny, eyes wide.
The smile instantly dropped off, and 'Dark!Hunny' mode activated. "Like this." There was a momentary silence around the table before he grinned again. "And also money. Money helps."
Haruhi shot them an exasperated look as the others all nodded sagely. Damn rich bastards.
"It wasn't so bad, actually," he continued with a shrug. "There were some nice ladies there in Mrs. Santa outfits, and they liked chatting with me. But then Tama-chan wanted to join in—"
"Join in on what?" Tamaki asked with dread.
"On the stripping, of course! It was amateur night there, and you were doing this thing where you kept blinking and falling over so the girls said it was okay."
Hikaru's eyes widened. "Youtube. Please tell me you took a video."
Hunny smiled beatifically back at him. "Now, now, Hika-chan… that's for me to know, and Tama-chan to worry about, ne?" He turned to Tamaki. "You chose Lady Gaga as your background music, by the way."
The Host King turned to Kyouya. "Mommy," he whimpered. "Can you please turn back time using your powers of evil? Please?"
"It was going great—you got a lot of money, Tama-chan, and the owner was asking you if you wanted to get a permanent job there, but we had to run."
"What, why?" Haruhi wondered.
"Because some guy started hitting on Tama-chan and Hika-chan punched him."
Hikaru flushed. "I… was drunk. And probably looking for any possible excuse for a fight. Me punching some idiot has nothing to do with milord at all."
"I was going to fight them, but Hika-chan told me to stay out of it and let him defend his cookie's honor." They all gave him a look, but he just shrugged. "Those were the exact words he used. And then he got surrounded by six guys, so I decided to pull him out of there before they did something that would make Kao-chan mad at me. We had to grab his clothes and make a run for it, but in all the fuss we left behind his pants and boxers. So we, um… we broke into a store nearby…"
Kyouya sighed. "I already sorted that one out. All you guys took was a pair of boxers, anyway."
"I picked out the design. But what was really funny was that Haru-chan was the one who grabbed a brick and lobbed it through the store window."
Haruhi's jaw dropped open. "I did what?"
Hunny gave her a repentant look. "I tried to stop you, but you said you would rather get arrested than look at Tama-chan's testicles for another second."
Tamaki buried his face in his hands. "I have besmirched my daughter's honor! I must… throw myself off a cliff." Then he winced, feeling his throbbing head. "Maybe later."
"And then you guys wanted to sleep," Hunny continued cheerfully. "So Tama-chan said we needed to drive to a hotel, and then Hika-chan picked the lock on a police car."
"Tell me we didn't drive," Haruhi pleaded, terrified. "We were drunk."
"Well, you guys were," Hunny corrected her. "And I have a driving license."
They all stopped and stared again.
"Okay, now my worldview is shattered," muttered Hikaru.
He shook his head. "I just sat behind the wheel. You and Tama-chan decided to push the car while Hika-chan rode on the roof."
"That's how sempai and I found you guys," Kaoru added. "Mori-sempai came with us because he heard that you guys were missing, and obviously we all know what kind of insanity you guys will get up to without us—"
"Hey, I resent that remark," Hikaru said.
"Don't resent it, deny it," Kyouya returned smoothly. "Of course, it would help if you could do it without the words 'Surprise Buttsex' tattooed on your forehead."
"God. I have no idea what my brother sees in you," he said, scowling.
At that, a smirk curled around Kaoru's lips. "Apparently you did, big brother," he said in a strange voice as he took a sip of his hot chocolate.
"Oh, nothing. We'll get to that part later." He smiled at Haruhi. "Look, it's not that you guys are irresponsible—except maybe Hikaru here—but really, Hunny-sempai likes to play along with his tricks and you are sadly ill-equipped to stand up to the combined force of him and milord."
"What else did I do?" Haruhi said, dreading the answer. She couldn't look Mori in the face. He was probably disappointed in her—one of the few times that she went out without him, and look where she ended up.
"Haruhi." He caught her chin and tilted it his way so that their eyes met. "Nothing else happened. You were all right."
"Yeah, Mori-sempai got you after that, no worries," Kaoru said. He gave her a look. "Haruhi, it's only a bit of fun. Seriously. Hunny-sempai would never have let you do something irreparable. It's not… you didn't kill or hurt anyone. And lesson learned, yeah? You should know some of the stupid things Hikaru got me to do when I was wasted."
"Ooh, like that time in New York. That kid's face was never the same again," Hikaru said fondly, recalling one of their more extreme escapades. Then his face twisted into a grimace. "Wait, there's something missing. Why am I married to milord?"
Kyouya and Kaoru exchanged looks. Hunny let out a snicker, and Mori covered his mouth with his hand to hide a tiny smile. "Um. Well, we were getting to that part."
"You know, I'm starting to think you have a thing for Tamaki," Kyouya mused. "The fact that he was automatically the one you thought of certainly makes you suspicious."
The redhead frowned. "Wait… so if I didn't marry Tamaki, who did I marry?"
Kaoru grinned wolfishly at him. "Kyouya-sempai."
"OH GOD NO. MY LIFE IS OVER. I SIGNED A CONTRACT WITH A DEVIL."
Kaoru was fighting a smile. "Hikaru—"
"HE'S TAKING MY SOUL AND MAKING ME HIS UNDEAD BRIDE. YOU… YOU CAD! YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME WHILE I WAS DRUNK!"
Haruhi tugged at his shirt to try to get him to sit down. "Hikaru, people are staring."
"HE FUCKING RAPED ME!"
Kyouya sighed as all eyes in the diner turned to him, accusing and fearful. He could see someone already dialing the police. What had he done in a past life to deserve this? "Hikaru, we aren't married."
"YEAH, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID—wait, what?"
Kaoru stood up and addressed the crowd. "Sorry, people, it's just a misunderstanding. This guy was just dropped on his head too many times as a baby. Carry on."
The Shadow King rolled his eyes and wrapped an arm around Kaoru's waist. "I'm in love with this Hitachiin, in case you haven't realized. Also, you were the one who dragged me into that chapel, so don't go around accusing me of rape."
Kaoru shook with laughter. "It was called the 'Best Little Weddings' chapel. At least it wasn't an Elvis impersonator presiding over the ceremony."
"You said that the only way to make Kyouya stay away from Kaoru was to marry him yourself," Mori helpfully supplied.
"That's really messed up," Haruhi said, shaking her head.
"Shut up, brick-thrower," Hikaru muttered. "So… we aren't married?"
"Not for your lack of trying, I assure you," Kyouya said. "Kaoru had to punch you to make you release me, as I was unwilling to exercise force."
"Had to," Kaoru said. "He was going to kiss you, sempai."
Hikaru sighed in relief. "Thank you for saving me from that life-long trauma."
Kaoru snorted. "Yeah right. You did, however, manage to get your hand down his pants."
Hikaru stood up. "Excuse me. I need to go wash my hands in acid now."
"Kao-chan nearly broke your neck," Hunny added. "Kyou-chan had us pin you down instead."
"And then Kaoru wrote the words on your forehead," Mori finished.
"You groped my boyfriend, you poacher," Kaoru said with an evil grin. "I figured that you needed to learn your lesson."
"Believe me, just knowing that I tried to marry… that… is enough to make me repent."
Kaoru kicked him under the table. "I thought about just taking over and marrying sempai there myself… but we don't want our wedding to be in a place called 'Best Little Weddings' chapel. I mean, really."
"I don't want your wedding. Ever," Hikaru huffed.
"Yeah, because apparently you have secret feelings for sempai. I always knew all that sniping was just a cover for your hidden love for him."
"Is this the end, yet?" Tamaki groaned before Hikaru could strangle his twin. "It doesn't explain why we ended up in jail."
Hunny giggled. "Er… Hika-chan stormed off crying that he had been rejected and he didn't understand why anyone wouldn't see how fabulous he is…"
"Yeah, that sounds like me," Hikaru mused. "Except for the crying part."
"You were bawling. Like a baby. And so was milord."
"I always cry at weddings," Tamaki said defensively.
"The groom left the bride behind at the altar," Haruhi noted. "Sounds like a bad movie."
Hikaru's eyes narrowed. "Who are you calling a bride?"
"Not Kyouya-sempai, that's for sure," she replied. "Between you two, I'll put you in the wedding gown. You're less likely to murder me for it."
"I'm more likely to murder you for it."
"No, you're more likely to try," she corrected him. "Whereas sempai would actually succeed."
"Excellent sense of self-preservation, Haruhi," Kyouya complimented her. "At any rate, you climbed back into the police car."
"Tamaki followed you," Mori added. "To make sure that you were all right."
"We heard you yell something about being ditched by a faithless rake," Kaoru said with a shrug.
"You got a lot of attention," Hunny said. "Haru-chan went to you too because you kept whining that Tama-chan's shoulders were too bony to cry on and you needed 'soft, feminine curves'."
"So she let me cry on her?"
Kaoru grinned. "No, she went over there to hit you. You may or may not have screamed like a girl. Only our video footage can tell."
"You're bluffing," Hikaru said. "There's no video, is there?"
The other Hitachiin smirked. "Well now… you'll just have to wonder, now won't you?"
Mori sighed. "And then the police came…"
"Well, you had stolen one of their vehicles," Kyouya said. "And there was the issue of causing a public disturbance. Someone called them after Haruhi viciously attacked you for your sexist comment."
"We were going to smooth it over, when you told one of them he looked like a pregnant walrus," Kaoru said, rolling his eyes. "When you did that, we pretended not to know you and ran off."
"You just left us there?"
"Hey, we had to damage control somehow, and we can't achieve that from the inside of a prison cell along with you guys. Though to be fair, Mori-sempai really didn't want to leave Haruhi behind."
"But I told him to go help Kao-chan and Kyou-chan, and I would watch over her," Hunny said sweetly. "They wanted to send me to juvie or call my parents, and they asked if you guys had kidnapped me. They wouldn't believe that I was older than you guys until I showed them my driver's license. Then they wanted to arrest me for having a forged license, but Haru-chan stood up for me and called them some unprintable things."
"This is unbelievable," Haruhi moaned, shaking her head and blushing.
"That's when you all got carted off. But we saved you guys eventually," Kaoru pointed out, patting her on the back. "Nothing to worry about, Haruhi."
A week later, the entire Host Club was gathered for their yearly Christmas get-together. This year it was Hunny who was hosting them.
"Did you guys spend less than a millennium looking for each other's presents this time?" Hikaru teased Kaoru, who was wrapped in Kyouya's arms.
"Yeah, we decided to have insanely loud carnal relations on your bed instead of shop for gifts," his twin deadpanned.
Hikaru stilled. "Excuse me while I go tell the maids to burn my bed. I think I may never sleep again."
"Don't worry, Hikaru, we didn't," Kyouya said. "We would never do such a thing. After all, we don't know what kind of things you do in your bed. I think it would be terribly unhygienic."
"Champagne?" Hunny offered.
Haruhi shook her head. "I'm not going near alcohol for a long time," she muttered, while Mori, Kyouya and Kaoru accepted glasses. Kyouya shot Tamaki a death-glare when he reached for one, and the blonde sighed but complied. Hikaru, off course, just flipped Kaoru the bird as he got his own.
She frowned. There was something… off, for some reasons. Haruhi sneaked a glance at the two seniors. They both had excellent poker faces, but she knew them too well. Something was definitely up.
"Ahem. We have a little Christmas treat for you guys," Kaoru said, grinning. "Before we open our presents, there's something we want to show you."
Hunny turned on the widescreen television and sat back as Lady Gaga blared through the surround-sound audio.
Tamaki's eyes widened. Haruhi squeaked and shut her eyes. "Oh my God—turn it off, turn it off!"
Hikaru let out a choked laugh. "Wow. You sure know how to swivel those hips, milord." Then, as the onscreen Tamaki hooked his thumbs into his boxers and slid them down, his jaw dropped open. "Uh… wow. Would you look at that," he said, trying to look everywhere but at that. "Congratulations, milord."
Tamaki let out a horrified groan.
"It isn't over yet," Kaoru said, smirking. Haruhi stared at the screen in wide-eyed horror to see herself singing along to the song, an arm thrown around Hikaru's shoulder. Then a guy tried to grab at Tamaki, and onscreen Hikaru's face clouded.
She dived for the remote and tried to hit the stop button, but Kaoru was fast enough to try to snatch it away; her hand hit the wrong button, landing on fast forward…
She gasped, seeing that one of the scenes she had skipped past was her lobbing a brick through a glass window. "Where did you guys get this?"
"Security cameras, of course," Hunny said. "I think you should be glad that we have it instead of the police."
"How did you…?"
They all shook their heads at her. "If you don't know, Haruhi, at least you'll have plausible deniability."
Hunny took back the remote and hit the play button.
"Do you, uh… Hitachiin Hikaru, take this man as your lawfully wedded husband?"
"Fuck yeah!" The onscreen Hikaru chortled, ignoring the fact that the so-called preacher had mispronounced his name. Kyouya was trying to pry his arms off him while Kaoru fumed. "You're miiiiiiiiine, and then you'll have to stop molesting my little brother. I'm protecting his virtue by taking yours!"
"Lawfully wedded," snorted the real Kaoru. Kyouya tightened his arms around him. "Same-sex marriage isn't even legal in Nevada yet."
Onscreen Hikaru pursed his lips. "At least we'll make pretty babies," he informed the onscreen Kyouya, who looked completely nonplussed. "You're evil but your face is okay. Yeah. Your face can stay."
"I'm going to have nightmares," whimpered Hikaru. "For the rest of my life. I was brainwashed. I was…"
"Drunk out of your mind," Kyouya said, rolling his eyes. "Though honestly, considering some of the things we've done, we don't really need alcohol to be this insane."
"A toast," Hunny chirped. "To insanity. The Host Club wouldn't be the same without it. And to a week before Christmas filled with memories which we will never, ever tell other people." They all sighed, but smiled and clinked their glasses together anyway.
A/N: That's all. Merry Christmas, everybody! Indulge in tons of hot cocoa, and I hope you all have a gorgeous holiday with something fabulous under the tree!