Author's notes: Thanks for the reviews. I don't know where this came from other than a tired mind after getting off work at midnight (my best time to write with my crazy schedule) and the answer to what would happen if Megatron and the Decepticons ever did get Santa? I do not own Transformers or the idea of Santa nor the poem quoted. I make no claims of existence nor intend any controversy. G1 and Movie verse mix. This is for fun and not profit. Please review and let me know what you think.
SANTA AND REINDEER, MEET THE DECEPTICONS
Megatron stood triumphant. His armor reflecting the stars above and the bright shiny snow below as the former pit gladiator stood tall. The moonlight night hid most of the terrible battle, occurring in the air, the final crash to earth a long furrowed track in the snow. They hadn't seen the actual crash, only the impact snow thrown into the air. The heavy mineral deposits in the surrounding hills and mountain helping to hide their base of operations from the Autobot scans now hindering their sensors.
"I promised this day would come Decepticons," Megatron gloated. The downed red shape at his feet remained still as the other Decepticons crept down the hillside slowly. Cannons, rifles and blasters ready, they moved closer.
"I never processed it was possible," Skywarp admitted, rubbing the back of his armored helm. Black marks covered his armor, evidence of him teleporting directly into the path of a counterattack.
"It was my aim that won the victory," Starscream bragged, red optics bright and wings tilted back in pride.
"Myth confirmed. Santa Claus exists," Soundwave intoned. The tall blue mech kept his distance from both Megatron and Starscream. One out of respect, the other out of caution knowing the situation could deteriorate with a few words from the seeker. "Cassettes eject." His metal chest slide tilted out, the cassettes flying out from their recharge ports to transform. Ravage first, landing on all four paws to sniff the air.
::Too much seeker fire. Particles charged the air:: Ravage complained, pawing at the delicate sensor in his muzzle. The black cassette circled the red shape, growling before sitting on his haunches.
::You didn't expect them to hit him the first ten times did you?:: Frenzy sent, transforming to land on his feetpads before ducking behind Soundwave legs. His twin symbiont followed.
"We're going to the Pit for this, I just know it," Rumble said aloud.
"So? You want to join the lights in the Matrix?" Skywarp cracked. Picking a small chunk of coal out of his arm joint, he vented before snarling at the black dust smearing across his metal fingers.
"I want presents! Not coal. We killed Santa! Now we'll never get anything!"
"Error. Subject alive," Soundwave pointed, as the shape in the snow groaned softy. Rolling over, the figure opened his eyes, wincing at the Decepticons surrounding.
"Identify yourself," Megatron ordered.
"Kringle. Kris Kringle," the red clothed human said, slowly sitting up.
"You fool Starscream," Megatron growled, his armored fist still raised. "You shot the wrong flying sled!"
"Not my fault leader," he hissed back, rubbing at the new dent in his helm. "They all look the same with those tiny eight reindeer!"
"Santa Claus is my assumed name," he sighed, dusting snow off his coat before standing to his feet. "As is Father Christmas and Saint Nicholas."
"Father? Is Cupid your kid? Flies around in diapers?" Dirge asked, exchanging a look with fellow seeker Ramjet.
"Valentines?" Santa repeated dumbly then shook his head side to side. "Cupid is a myth. Has anyone seen my hat? Red with a white poof on the end?"
"That proves it. Santa has a Santa hat," Rumble commented, walking out from behind his carrier's legs. He quickly spotted the red color amongst the snow.
"Confirmation insufficient. Require additional qualifications," Soundwave said.
"Obese human male, excessive facial hair," Rumble rattled off the start of a list, handing the hat over.
"That's pronounced 'plump' and children love my beard. They tug on it to see if its real," Santa commented, pulling his cap onto his head.
"Attitude of a black flag showing sub dermal bone plating."
"That's jolly as in happy not Jolly Roger. That's a pirate symbol and pirates are never on my nice list," he huffed, his breath frosting in the air.
"Clothes to match the color of our optics. Dead bovine skin feet pad coverings."
"My leather boots? They were a gift from the elves," he murmured, not seeming very jolly.
"Stationary base at the North Pole," Rumble continued.
"Where's that? By Australia?" Dirge asked.
"North of the world," Santa sighed.
"As in keep flying that direction?" Ramjet pointed to the side before his teammate moved his arm forward in the right direction.
"JSGI," Megatron vented, stepping over the man to peer down at the hovering sled and waiting reindeer. Their harnesses jingled as they pawed the snow.
"Just slagging Google it," Soundwave translated. His monotone voice and battle mask hiding all expression robbed the phrase of its intended snipe.
"What is in the bag?" Megatron pointed to the overflowing shape, secured with a single rope drawstring in the back of the sled. "My scans cannot penetrate it."
"For you? Coal," Santa replied.
"What happened to the toys and candy?" Frenzy puzzled, resting one arm around Ravage's haunches.
"Those are for names on my nice list."
"Not for long. I'm seizing it," Megatron stated, grabbing the top and pulling. Straining with all his might, the bag never shifted. Laserbeak hopped off his shoulder plating, grabbing the rope with his talons and lifting. Wings straining, the winged mech pulled the rope without effect before dropping it, landing wings outstretched in the snow. Growling, Megatron gave up. "What trick is this?"
"It will not leave the sled until it's empty," Santa said.
"Do you use subspace? Is that how all the toys fit?" Rumble asked, optics wide.
"Variation of subspace I believe. Unfortunately, none of the toys are for you. Your name appeared on the naughty list January 4th."
"I know. Stole a little kid's snow sled. I only wanted to try it," the cassette vented softly.
"365 days of fun or 1 day of coal, I'll take my chances," Skywarp cackled. The seeker quieted when no other bot laughed with him.
"Any chance we can hurry this up? I'm cold," Starscream complained, his wings getting a glowing edge as softly falling snow began to accumulate on them.
"We'll empty the bag in the lab. How does this vehicle fly without engines?" Megatron waved his hand underneath, encountering no resistance or power readings. Ravage crept closer, sniffing and tapping the sled with one paw before moving to sniff the reindeer.
"Maybe its the spirit of Christmas. The caring and love the humans share this time of year to power the sled?" Rumble suggested.
"Ha ha! Been watching TV again?" Thundercracker teased, having fought the mech for watching time on the one TV they owned.
"It's obliviously advanced technology. Starscream, discover its secrets!" Megatron ordered crisply, brushing snow off his arm cannon.
"You are our leading scientist are you not?" Red optics narrowed, the tone baiting.
"Cybertronian technology. This," he kicked a clump of snow at the hovering sled. "Primitive device lacks protections even human vehicles have. Air bags, brakes and a seat belt."
"He has padding enough when crashing," Thundercracker noted, pantomiming a round fat shape around Santa.
"Naughty Dutch children use to get a bundle of sticks. Keep it up and you will not even get the string they are tied with!" Santa threatened.
"The reindeer power the sled," Frenzy jumped in verbally. "Found it on the internet. "To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
"Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky."
"YIP YIP YIP"
None of them could ever say which reindeer but the results was undeniable. Ravage, crying out, went flying past them through the air, the distinct hoof print on his jaw gear.
"Move and you'll be beef jerky!" Thundercracker warned, training both arm blasters on the reindeer. Pawing the ground with muzzles bobbing as though laughing the reindeer ignored him. The sounds of Christmas bells filled the air from their moving harnesses.
"'Cracker, you're talking to animals," Skywarp noted, lowering his weapons. Battle systems had onlined the moment Ravage cried out. Now he turned away as a pile of streaming droppings rested on the snow, the smell making him cringe.
"Doesn't mean they're not dangerous. That stinks! Quit scaring them before they really drop a pile."
"Dangerous is your lack of knowledge," Megatron stated, dismissing them as unworthy of his attention. He also moved upwind and shut down his olfactory intakes.
"Ya," Rumble added. "They're deer, making them venison, not beef. Good for making stews."
"Please do not hurt them. I'll give you what you want," Santa raised both hands, palms out.
"All your secrets?" Megatron hissed, kneeling down on one knee plate before him.
"A secret you need to know," he smiled, leaning up to whisper in the mech's audio.
"WHAT! You lie," Megatron jumped back, snapping to his feet, arm cannon powering.
"Did you and?" Santa brought both hands together to interlace his fingers.
"Yes, but that is none of your business!"
"And enough time for her to?"
"It's...possible," Megatron admitted, his red optics narrowing as calculations ran.
"Go to her. This is the season for caring, not destruction," Santa instructed. He walked to the back of the sled, stepping up to brace on the sled as the Deceptions targeted him with their weapons. The bag opened, a metal square falling into his hand. Cybertronian glyphs covered its surface before both his hands hid it. Megatron accepted it, his armored hand enclosing it, preventing the others from seeing. None of them were stupid enough to try and get a scan reading.
"Let the human go. Gather the coal for energon and return to base," Megatron ordered. The mechs gaped, optics shuttering as he strode past.
"Do not make me repeat myself," the war leader warned, glaring over his shoulder plate.
"Next year you will not escape so easily," Starscream hissed, following Megatron. His wings twitched, clumps of snow falling off. The smaller mechs could gather the coal. He would not sully his servos with coal dust.
"Do we really have to be good the entire year?" Frenzy asked, facing the human. "That's a long time."
"I didn't make that rule, I only enforce it. But I am not the only one capable of delivering presents," Santa smiled, looking up at Soundwave before glancing back at the cassettes.
Inside the base, Megatron paused before the one door the other mechs feared. The one he alone could enter without threat of injury and deactivation. The door sensor recognized him, announcing his presence to the Decepticon within.
"What do you want?" the femme challenged, her armored shape filling the opening doorway within seconds.
"I need to talk to you."
"Is this about that stupid legend? " She mock groaned, waving him inside her personal quarters. The first room containing her lab counter, a work station and weapon racks. A closed door hid her recharge area. "Mighty warriors trying for a red comet. And sounding the battle alarm? Do you know how stupid that is? Go out every year for what? The coal is probably the chunks you blast off," she challenged, sipping at a half drained cube of energon.
"I know you are carrying an essence on your spark." His simple statement sounded with the force of a planet exploding.
"How did you?" Wide optics, turning slowly to face him, her red and black armor contrasted with his pure silver.
"Santa Claus told me," he admitted, opening his hand to display a Cybertronian sparkling toy.
"Santa? You expect me to believe that?" She rolled her optics, chucking the empty drinking cube into the recycling slot.
"He did. How else would I have known?"
"Soundwave? Your three word no personality super spy? I swear, if he's been in my processor code I'll..."
"Santa told me." Megatron repeated, sitting the toy down on the lab counter. "But he doesn't matter. What does is the sparkling you're carrying."
"Sparklings," she corrected, her optics looking down at the floor. "I didn't want to tell you because the spark split."
"Is...are they...stable?" He moved closer, arm outstretched to comfort her. Behind him, the toy on the counter split down the center into two toys as it had been designed. One a language core, the other a creativity booster.
"Yes. But weaker. They will be mini bots at best."
He hesitated, feeling anger at the universe. The great Megatron and his sparkling, correction, sparklings would be mini mechs? Not fierce warriors capable of challenging Unicron himself but small? 'No matter. Their fighting skills will make up for size. They are half my coding and if that weakling of my younger brother could become Prime who knew what they can do,' he pondered silently. Then he focused outward on what she was saying.
"I was processing perhaps Skids? As a designation?"
"Never. They shall have a glorious name like Sunstrike, Rendclaw, or Striktonus," Megatron posed, chest plates out, arms half folded inward to place his arm cannon foremost.
"Really? Last time I looked they were under my chest plates, giving me a certain amount of say over their existence," she reminded, leaning against the lab counter.
"You are only the carrier. I am the power of their sparks. They will be fierce warriors, a twin combo that will strike fear into others. Heirs worthy of mayhem," he smirked.
"Only a carrier? Keep it up and I'll name the other something like Ransack, Terradive or Mudflap!"
"You wouldn't dare!"
"I would and I can," she threatened, opening the door to the recharge room.
"You do, or they fail me in any way and I'll send them over to Prime to raise!"
"With the Autobots? Not a bad processing actually. Plenty of energon, a good medic and no seekers," she chuckled, leaning in the doorway.
"Defiant #$^$ femme!" He raved.
"And that's why you love me," she purred back. Climbing onto the wide recharge berth, one long black armored leg stroked down the other. The motion captured his attention. "All this protective coding," one hand traced down the front of her red chest armor. "Leaves me wanting more... energy."
In his quarters down the hallway, Soundwave grimaced behind his battle mask, one stubby finger depressing the 'erase' button. The surveillance system shut down, the recording disappearing. "No voyeurism. Processing stability endangered enough."
The sounds of surprise from his cassettes sounded through the open doorway as they discovered their presents, piled under a contraband Christmas tree. The communications officer considered the issue, realizing raising sparklings in the current army conditions would be too hazardous. And the danger to the sparklings because of who their mech creator was. Starscream would never allow them to be next in command, his position. "Megatron in error. Probability of femme threat guaranteed. Autobot future problem."
Above the hidden base, Santa relaxed, flying safely away through the starlight sky. "I must admit, Prowl's plan worked. And credit to Hound for his holograms making it look like I had been hit." He smiled, remembering the first time their names had appeared on his list. "Thought it was a prank by the Head Toy elf. Wheeljack, Inferno, Skyfire, Swoop and Optimus. Who would have named their children that? Cybertron is beyond my range but now that they are here on earth, their names appear on the nice list. Well, some of them. Several I fear, like Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, Tracks and Jazz will be on my naughty list for many centuries to come."
Aged hands reached under the front bench seat, pulling out two paper scrolls. The first unrolled, the lettering forming before his eyes. Reviewing the list he frowned. "There is a name missing after Optimus Prime. Who? Ah, his mate. E something or other." Reaching again, he grabbed a second list, holding it alongside the first. "Elita-one. Naughty. Oh dear, how disappointing. That Chromia can be such an instigator. But there is always next year." Both lists rolled back up, tucked back into their holding spots. Grabbing the reins, he snapped them once for attention.
"On Dancer, on Prancer, on Comet on Cupid..."