christmas gift from Notawordsmith

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Leonardo was angry, 'cause Raphael was soused …
Michelangelo hung stockings by a sewer grate with care
Whilst Donatello tried to explain Santa wouldn't be there.

The whole of New York was snuggled down in their beds.
Were they sleeping? Who knows, what goes on in their heads.
With April in her nightgown and Casey in a cap
Were getting their freak on, not needing a nap.

When, from the lair arose such a clatter,
Casey said "Shit babe, better see what's the matter.
So away to the lair door he flew in a flash,
Cutting short their great sex, and a quick April pash.

He looked out the door. The lounge room he won't go,
Incase Donny's on the computer, watching D-grade porno.
When what to his wondering eyes should appear?
Splinter dressed up as Santa, complete with reindeer.

The little old driver, so lively and quick
Was doing his best to play good old Saint Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

ON Dasher, On Dancer, On You there and That one.
Here Whatsit and Doodar and the one that has no fun.
Get off the couch! Don't pee on the wall!
You silly old reindeer are no fun at all!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
These reindeer were turning the lair to a sty.
So away, up to the bedrooms they flew
With toys and Splinter dressed as Saint Nick too.

They got to Raph's bedroom and kicked in the door,
And sent Raph sprawling all over the floor.
Raph's head was all foggy, he swore at the sound,
But Splinter wanted to show Raph what he had found.

Splinter didn't need fur, had it from head to his foot.
But his clothes he had tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bag of toys he had flung on his back.
He looked more like a Santa that was living on crack.

His eyes - how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His ratty little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had no broad face or little round belly,
But he thought he'd make do with a bowlful of jelly.

It made him chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And Raph laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave Raph a look that filled him with dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And used the toy bag to belt the snot out of the jerk.
And laying his hand up the side of Raph's head
He'd make this drunk turtle wish he was dead.

He then sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
And I heard Splinter swear, as he drove into the night.
Merry Christmas to all. Now get out of my sight!