Author Notes: Oooh am I gonna get flamed for this...

Defenders of the Earth
Chapter 3
Clergy Catastrophe!

"I fight for love and justice, and that means you!" Aluminium Siren pointed accusingly
at Tigers Eye and scowled angrily. Then she smiled hopefully at him and asked "How
was that?"

"That was better," Tigers Eye was watching her performance with a thoughtful
expression "You're poses really made me feel threatened, but the line was wrong, you
said that I was love and justice. I'm supposed to be bad remember."

"Oh, right!" She scratched the back of her head and giggled nervously.

"Keep trying though, you're improving a lot." Tigers Eye encouraged her.

"Okay, um..." Siren seemed to be considering how to try her intimidating speech this
time around. Unbeknownst to her, Zoicite had entered the room and was watching her
performance with barely concealed mirth.

Siren nodded to herself as if she had decided what to do, then placed both hands on her
hips and glared at Tigers Eye "Disturbing the peace that I cherish, I won't forgive you!"
She pointed at him with her right hand, then brought it back to her left shoulder and
pointed with the left hand "I protect the peace, and that means you!"

Tigers Eye tried to hide a sigh "You did it again." He massaged his temples.

"Did what?" Siren placed a finger to her lips and blinked in confusion.

Zoicite meanwhile just broke into laughter "That was terrible!" He roared while slapping
his thigh.

"What?!" Siren turned round to glare at him "I'd like to see you do better!"

Zoicite waved her away while he was still creased up in mirth "Improving on that would
be too easy!"

"Prove it!" Siren demanded challengingly.

Zoicite straightened himself up 'I'll show her!' he thought "Fine!"

Zoicite positioned himself in the middle of the room and stretched out his arms while
breathing heavily. 'Here goes!' he thought. "For love and justice..." He stretched his right
arm up while bending the left at his side. Then he brought the right arm down and bent it
while stretching the left arm out. He followed this by bringing both arms in to form a V
in front of his chest, then mirrored his earlier movement by stretching the right arm out
and bending the left at his side "I am Zoicite!" He yelled while extending the left arm in
front of his face and moving his right arm so the hand was under the left armpit. Then he
turned his body to the side and extended both arms, one in front, one behind "And I will
punish you!" He finished, forming a V with his right arm and pointing over it with the
left. (AN: he just copied the Sailor Moon poses)

As he finished, Siren started bouncing up and down and clapping "That was incredible,
you have to teach me that!" She looked at him with big hopeful eyes.

Zoicite blanched. He hadn't meant to get so into the routine. "Er..." he tugged at his collar
nervously, then craned his neck as if trying to listen to something "What's that Eudial?
You want me in the lab? I'll be right there!" And with that, he darted from the room as
fast as he could.


Eudial was indeed in her lab (she had effectively claimed the basement for herself and
designated it as her lab) and was currently working on several weapon systems. She had
not been allowed to take the Fire Buster mk III that she had built in hell with her from
the afterlife, so she had to make a new one.

That was already done, so now she was trying to make a new heart crystal removal gun.
She had no intention of stealing any pure hearts, but she figured it would make an ideal
non lethal weapon, since it took a while to die from losing a heart crystal and most
people would be totally incapacitated by it.

Sadly, as she had just remembered, the firing chamber of her old gun was filled with
Professor Tomoe's special Daimon growing goop, which Eudial didn't have the slightest
clue how to make.

So like any good scientist, she was randomly combining chemicals which she
remembered seeing in the professor's lab.

In her defence, she was doing it methodically.

She looked over the ten batches she had made so far. "Now how to test it?" She mused
thoughtfully. She could try growing Daimon's, but that would take years. She had a way
which would take minutes.


Zoicite was peacefully absorbed in reading his book as he relaxed in the easy chair in the
living room.

He didn't notice when Eudial entered the room and levelled her gun at him.

He did notice when a thick semi-gelatinous goop spattered all over his chest. "What the
hell are you doing woman?!" He sputtered, looking at his soiled uniform then back at the
former Deathbuster.

"Not that one..." Eudial seemed to be speaking to herself as she refilled her gun from
another beaker, then aimed and fired at him again.

Zoicite stood up and tossed his book aside after being hit again. "What is wrong with
you? Can't I get five minutes of peace in here?!" He glared daggers at her.

Eudial ignored him as she refilled the gun from beaker C. She aimed at him, but Zoicite
dived behind the couch "Leave me alone!" He yelled from behind it.

"Look it will only take a minute, and I'll clean your uniform when I'm done." Eudial
spoke as if she were talking to a small child.

Zoicite stood up from behind the couch "I don't care, just take your goop gun and-" He
didn't finish as the gun splashed more semi-organic compounds all over him. He stared at
Eudial in mute horror as she calmly refilled her gun "Can you even hear me?" He
wondered aloud.

Eudial didn't even respond as she fired for the fourth time. Zoicite looked down at his
thoroughly ruined uniform, then at the woman responsible. "That does it, bitch!" He
snarled even as Eudial readied her gun a fifth time. "Zoi!" He yelled, sending a
destructive flurry of sakura petals at her just as she pulled the trigger.

But this time, instead of firing a disgusting mass of slime, the gun fired a bolt of energy
which slammed into his chest and knocked his heart crystal out his back.

Eudial picked herself up after Zoicite's attack. "That hurt!" She griped, before looking at
the unconscious form of Zoicite slumped over the back of the couch. Behind him, a dirty
grey crystal hovered in the air. "Batch E it is then!" She smiled in triumph. She hadn't
expected to get it so quickly.

She walked over to Zoicite's prone form. "You just had to fall forwards and get gunk all
over the couch didn't you?" She berated him as the slime dripped from his uniform all
over the leather furniture. She then picked up his heart crystal. It had a distinctly clammy
feel, not at all like any of the pure hearts she had attempted to steal in the past.
"Figures..." She muttered to herself as she put it on his back where it was reabsorbed.

A few minutes later Zoicite groggily got up. Eudial was nowhere in sight.


Later on in the evening, Sailor Aluminium Siren, Eudial and Tigers Eye were all
watching TV. Zoicite was sulking in his room.

A beeping began to emanate from Eudial's police scanner and Siren leapt from her
armchair (no one was sitting on the couch because it hadn't been cleaned yet. Everyone
expected that if they left it long enough then someone else would take care of it) and
went to read the report.

"What's it say?" Eudial asked.

"Terrorists have kidnapped the Pope, who is on a tour of Japan." She started reading.

"Holy Pontiffs Batman!" Tigers Eye yelled in a camp voice. When he didn't get the
laughs he expected, just weird stares from both women, he apologetically held up his
glass of martini and said "I'm very drunk..."

Eudial stood up, an expression of grim determination on her face. "Lets roll!"


The Defenders of the Earth were racing along in Eudial's car to the terrorists hideout,
which Zoicite had identified as being an abandoned warehouse at the docks by using his
scrying powers. He had also changed into a clean uniform.

Tigers Eye looked out the car window and saw an enormous structure being built on
Doom Mountain "I wonder what they're building there." He mused.

"I wonder why the changed the name from mount Fuji to Doom Mountain." Eudial

Siren looked up from the cup ramen she was slurping "I heard it was bought by an
eccentric genius..." (AN: Can we say 'foreshadowing'?)


"Don't worry your majesty." One masked terrorist said to the Pope, who was securely
duct-taped to a wooden chair "We'll release you just as soon as the government of Japan
gives in to our demands."

"Baka!" Another terrorist reprimanded the first "You only call the emperor 'majesty' it's
'your highness' for the pope!"

"Are you sure?" Another joined the discussion "I thought it was 'your eminenece'."

"Nah." The second terrorist shook his head "That's only for cardinals and bishops."

Sadly, the octogenarian Pole didn't speak Japanese, so he was unable to correct them.

The terrorists were interrupted in their discussion anyway, by the arrival of a small
canister flying in through an open window. "Say, what's that?" One of the terrorists
prodded the canister with his rifle. It promptly exploded, filling the warehouse with thick
smoke. At the same time, one of the walls exploded, the blast taking out two terrorists.

"Who's there!" A terrorist demanded, as they all turned to the blast.

Four figures were shilloueted by the impromptu entrance. They all walked into the
warehouse with deliberate slowness. "I am Sailor Aluminium Siren!" One of them
declared, striking an intimidating pose "I fight for love and justice, and that means you!"

"What?" Asked one confused terrorist.

"Oh forget it!" Eudial slapped her forehead "Get them!" She yelled, diving to the side
and readying the Fire Buster mk III. While the first fire buster had been little more than a
powerful flamethrower, the second used napalm to make the flames stick to the target.
The third however, used thermite and was capable of burning through concrete. She
squeezed the trigger and released a gout of flame which consumed five terrorists in fiery

Zoicite leapt high into the air, adroitly dodging a hail of bullets "Zoi!" He yelled,
disarming two terrorists with the destructive cherry blossom.

Tigers Eye squared off against one terrorist. "You're dead meat asshole!" The terrorist
yelled, aiming his gun at Tigers Eye.

"Oh Really?" Tigers Eye raised an eyebrow, then just as the terrorist was about to fire, he
said "One!" Causing a large wooden board to appear and hit the terrorists back,
knocking the gun from his hands. "Two!" Manacles appreared and bound his hands and
feet. Tigers Eye decided to leave it at that, removing his dream mirror would be

Siren raised her arms up and launched two fireballs at a terrorist, momentarily
incapacitating him. She laughed out in triumph... until the terrorist's star seed went black
and he transformed into Sailor Terrorist. "Aaah!! Kill it! Kill it!" She screamed as she
ran away from the phage.

Zoicite duly obliged by forming a crystal spear and launching it at the phage, impaling it

The terrorist leader (who remains nameless because... well, why bother identifying with
them?) looked aghast as these freaks managed to decimate his team. "You still lose!" He
snarled, getting their attention "I've rigged this warehouse! We all die!" He pushed a
small radio detonator, starting the five second countdown.

"Let's get out of here!" Eudial yelled, starting for the entrance "Siren, get the Pope!" She
screamed, seeing the former animamate was closest.

"Right!" Siren yelled back.

The four protectors of peace, one with a passenger, all raced out of the warehouse in the
nick of time, being slammed to the ground by the concussive force of the blast as the
warehouse exploded, sending shrapnel everywhere.

"I can't believe we did it!" Tigers Eye grinned as they picked themselves up "Our first
success against evil!"

"How's the Pope" Zoicite asked Siren while nursing a bruise on his kidney he recieved in
the blast.

"He's fine!" Siren allowed the stray puppy she had grabbed to lick her face "And just the
cutest little pope ever, yes you are!" She cooed.

Eudial looked at Siren, a terrible sinking feeling in her stomach "What is that?" She
asked, knowing for sure that the answer would not make her happy.

"He's the pope silly! I rescued him from those mean old terrorists didn't I?" She giggled
as the puppy licked her nose.

Zoicite quivered with rage. "The pope was the guy in the hat!" He yelled, incandescent
with rage "The tied up guy in the hat!"

Siren abruptly stopped her playing with the puppy "What?" She said, a note of panic in
her voice "But I thought... since the puppy was next to the terrorist leader then it was the
hostage... I don't even know what a pope is..." She stammered defensively.

The quartet all looked at the gutted ruins of the warehouse. The head of the Roman
Catholic church would be a lot closer to God now. Suddenly their heads snapped round
as they became aware of police sirens in the distance. Getting closer.

"Run!" Tigers Eye yelled, bolting for the car, the others close behind.


Author Notes: I'm going to hell aren't I? Even if not, the flames will make it seem like
hell. But come on, 'Holy Pontiffs Batman!', ain't no way I was passing that line up.