Disclaimer: Christmas Bells are ringing… but, sadly, my parents did not get me the rights to RENT. *sighs*

Notes: First off, Merry Christmas too all of you who celebrate! I know, I should really be parodying Christmas Bells, but the genius of that song is beyond me.

So, if you're reading this and are a new reader- keep reading! Although this is like my parody of Spring Awakening in format, none of the plot carries over. In the later chapters, there will be a few mentions of Glee (since this is a lead-in to my Glee parody), but again, if you even vaguely know what the show is about (teenagers who sing- there, that's settled) you'll understand. I won't be doing the entire musical, just seven songs, but every character will be featured in at least one song. Feel free to make requests but it's unlikely I'll be able to fit them in. (If you like it, though, you can check out Forbidden Broadway's RENT parodies, if you can find them. I won't be doing any of those songs either.)

Know that, along with Spring Awakening, Wicked, and Bare (all of which I will be in some way parodying someday), RENT is my favorite musical. I'm only poking fun at it, but it's only because I love it so much.

The first song (in case you can't tell by the title) is "Light My Candle." Like SM, all the songs will feature the actors that are playing the characters but, through working with the characters, have pretty much become their characters. (Hence they're labeled by their character name. It's almost as if the characters are playing themselves. I'm not at all suggesting Adam Pascal and Daphne Rubin-Vega have AIDS, or Idina Menzel hates her husband for trying to stop her protest.)

I really shouldn't need to say this, but this is based off of the BROADWAY MUSICAL RENT, not the movie, though there may be some mentions. So all of the actors are from the OBC cast. Oh, and it's RENT, do I need to put a disclaimer for slight adult content during parts?

Scene One: Sign My Playbill

Mark: Hi. I'm Mark. And that's my dressing roommate, Roger. It's been a year since we joined the national touring cast of RENT, and he has never left his role. The A word has become the equivalent of Mac-

Roger: *prepares a spitoon*

Mark (hastily): Donald's. *nervous laughter* You know, because we hate anything greasy. One, because Grease totally tries to steal from our sales, and two, because how could actors like us tell people to dream the impossible dream if it wasn't something impossible, like weighing less than 180 pounds!

Offstage Fan: I don't get it. How could you do "Light My Candle" without Mimi's A-word?

Mark: No, no, not that A-word, I mean Adam...

Roger: *breaks guitar string*

Mark: Adamantly. Anyway, so we're broke, broken up, and most likely going to be breaking into our dressing room in somewhere in Act Two, since Benny's threaten to evict us from our dressing room. Something about being late to RENT… *shrugs* Hey, Roger, I don't suppose you'd like to go to the cast party tonight? Or *coughs* just out tonight?

Roger: Zoom in on m…

Mark: *zooms in*

Roger: Never mind.

Mark: Come on, we could use a designated driver! *coughs* I mean, it'll be fun! So what if your girlfriend dies every night? It's not like she stays dead! And… wait, aren't you married or something?

(Roger pulls out his guitar and starts playing painfully out of tune notes until Mark runs away. Then, he sulks for a while until he hears a knock at the door.)

Roger (muttered): Stupid fans…

Roger (opening door):

This isn't RENT!

(Instead of a lost ticket holder, he finds some hot girl dressed like she just got home from work at some nightclub who is thrusting a program at him.)

Mimi:

Wanna sign?

Roger:

You know me?

You're Bohemian.

Mimi:

I'm nothing

Without all my bling.

I was just a little freak,

Now I'm chic.

Would you sign my playbill?

What are you staring at?

Roger:

Nothing.

Mimi (offended): Nothing?

Roger:

Your hair and the blue tights-

The look's familiar.

And you take it.

Mimi:

Just havin' dreams about those days,

At least now you're still touring Off-Broadway.

What?

Roger:

Nothing!

Mimi (desperate): Nothing at all?

Roger: Are you high or something?

Mimi: Well, technically…

Roger:

Your style reminded me of…

Mimi:

I always remind people of-

Which Mimi?

Roger:

She died.

And came back each show.

Mimi:

You got a pen?

Sorry 'bout your ex.

Would you sign my playbill?

Roger:

To sell?

Mimi:

Rent.

Ouch!

Roger: What now?

Mimi: Paper cut. *thrusts bloody program at him*

Roger: Goddamnit, woman! Now I've got AIDS!

Mimi: What a coincidence, so do I!

Roger: It's not coincidence, it's…

Mimi: I know. RENT.

Roger:

Shows with sex…

They're-

Mimi:

Gripping.

I like all the scenes with-

Roger:

Singers

That dig girls.

Oh, hell.

Good night.

(Roger retreats back to safety and into his dressing room. Mimi stares emptily at his signature on the playbill and realizes he signed right over the picture that should have been hers: Lexi Lawson. She rips it up in jealous rage and burns it with her candle prop, which would have set off the fire alarm had Benny not blown the power. After retrieving an old playbill starring herself, she knocks on his door after what seems like only a second.)

Roger: No one's home!

Mimi: Pizza delivery!

Roger: Cool! *opens door* I thought Halloween in Act II.

Mimi (seductively): Right after Contact, babe…

Roger (changing the subject):

You forgot your pen?

Mimi:

No, I think that I want some cash!

Roger:

That's bull!

I mean, you're sure to sell out,

With that program you've got.

(Ashes fall from Mimi's fingers. Roger realizes Mimi wasn't kidding when she said the wax burned her fingers.)

Roger:

Or maybe not.

Mimi:

No, really,

We'll have a trendy walk-through encore!

We'll be stars!

They'll all pawn for more.

Roger (spoken):

Um, more?

Mimi:

They say that I had the best rasp

Of all the Mimi's.

Is it true?

Roger:

Huh?

Mimi:

You're very unread.

Roger:

Oh, no, I mean, who? You?

That's not very nice!

I mean,

Hey, look, there's Lexi!

*waves through window, which they evidently have in dressing rooms*

Mimi (sullenly):

She's your new girlfriend?

Roger:

Like some pedophile?

No, the score and scenes are acted out.

Mimi:

Where've you been? Dude, our cast back then

Had more than fake romance.

*thrusts new playbill at him*

Sign the book!

Roger:

Yes!

If just to shut you up!

Mimi:

Are you kidding?

Roger:

How should I recognize you from other fans, hon?

Mimi:

Would you sign the playbill?

Oh, come join my revival!

(She gestures emphatically at her program to drop the hint: she's gonna play in this year's RENT, and a cast reunion is fourteen years overdue.)

Roger:

*glances at playbill*

Why don't you Craigslist this junk?

It's, like, from the 60's.

Mimi:

The 90's!

I look older when onstage,

We were forced to seem mad.

Roger:

Well, duh, all porn shows are bad.

I'm used to fangirls like that.

Mimi:

I -no, we've met, I told-

Roger:

I'm used to sluts.

Mimi:

I got a role!

Roger:

Uh-huh, I used to be a punk, see.

Mimi:

And now and then, it's nice to-

Roger:

Shut up.

Mimi:

Be hood!

Roger (spoken):

I hear ya…

Mimi (spoken):

I'm cast?

Roger (spoken):

Just, uh, ask the director.

Mimi:

Would you sign the playbill?

Oh, where'd you sign my old playbill?

(Roger flips through the pages until he finds one he likes- otherwise his name wouldn't be printed there, right?)

Roger:

This is the cast list?

Mimi:

Taye, Idina- yup.

Thank Jon, it's just you.

Roger:

Hey, we were hot!

And who's that doll?

The one with vinyl blue pants-

She looks sweet!

Mimi:

God, you're dumb.

*eyes widen at picture*

God, I'm young.

(Inevitably, since they're both holding the program, their hands touch.)

Roger:

Old plans…

Mimi:

Made new.

We'll be big.

When on Broadway.

Wanna dance?

Roger (suggestively):

My room?

Mimi:

No!

*slaps him*

When on Broadway!

Roger:

As Roger.

Mimi:

NCY,

They'll all see-

DAPHNE!

(She snatches the pay contract dangling out of his back pocket and bolts to the exit, leaving him wondering at the OBC cast revival he unwittingly agreed to. Or did he?)

Roger (calling after her): Hey, do I know you?


There were a few offbeat parts, but sometimes you have to sacrifice perfection for plot. I know it doesn't even come close to meeting Jonathan Larson's standards, but I'd appreciate reviews on if it worked or not. Merry Whatever-You-Want-To-Call-It-That's-Not-Religiously-Specific! Tune in next week- feel free to guess the featured characters and song.