Perhaps One Day
This is a collection of one-shots that will most likely end up being connected in some sort of way or another. I plan on writing at least one a week most likely after the episode. This way everyone knows that I am still alive – if you cared. The length of these will vary, hovering more along the lines of a drabble and sometimes getting longer because I tend to get wordy. Your thoughts would be wonderful nonetheless.
Title: This Is All We Will Ever Be
Warning:ANGST – and no happy endings for this one
Pairings: Tony and Ziva
Summary: Because she was tired of taking one step forward and two steps back, it got them nowhere, and made her head spin with things she couldn't deciphers. She was tired of this game, so for the first time in her life she was giving up.
Dedication goes to Jes well because I want it to.
AN/ like the direction most of my stories tend to go, this will most likely end up becoming M rated... fair warning. you will be warned again if this story goes that way!
She just feels drained; she can't keep keeping up these pretenses because when she really thinks about it there are none. Everything about their relationship is rather cut and dry, they're open with each other and there are no secrets. She gives an inch and he takes a foot; he pulls her in and she pushes him away. She really wishes that she could blame it all on him, but the truth is she can't. It is as much her fault as it is his – though a little more his because it helps to ease this ache inside of her.
She has never blatantly shoved any of her relationships in his face. In fact with the way he tends to lash out at her when he finds out about another guy in her life she tries not to tell him anything. She doesn't want to hear his hurtful words because he is filling whatever big brother complex he gained somewhere along the line. She is not his to protect, and he should know by now that she can handle herself. No man is going to bring her to her knees; she would gladly do that to them first.
He likes to flirt, she has always known that. Lately he likes to flirt whenever she is around him, but never with her. Always some girl and he makes sure that she knows that he thinks this girl is prettier, younger, newer. Okay so he doesn't actually come out and say that, but it is what she reads in his eyes. She would love to tell herself that he doesn't realize what he is doing, but she knows otherwise.
When he tells her that she is jealous she smiles, because maybe she is but not for the reason he would think. She is not jealous because Liat has taken her position in Mossad, and maybe even gained a piece of Eli's heart in the process. She isn't jealous that Liat is younger, because at Liat's age she had accomplished so much more. She is jealous of the fact that Liat can get away with flirting with Tony without any repercussions, that Liat's heart doesn't catch painfully when she realizes that Tony will never be a one woman man. She is jealous that Liat doesn't know Tony the way she does, and while she doesn't regret knowing him she thinks she might regret loving him. She will always love him, she thinks, but that only makes her pain greater.
The relationship that she and Tony have held for as long as they have known each other is one that consists of taking one step forward and two back. There was a time when they had only been walking forwards, but now she thinks they are only walking back. She is tired of not facing the world, so she thinks it is time to step out of this path he has forced her on.
She is exhausted by everything, and unhappy. She wants to smile freely, to laugh loudly, she wants to feel loved the way she has read about in books. She can't have that with him; they're friends, they're partners, but she sees that they can't be lovers. He won't allow it for some unknown reason, and she can't force him.
Once upon a time she could say that she had never before given up. Quitting had not been part of her vocabulary after all, and at one time she had been adamant that it never would be. She doesn't think that she can say that now, because in a way she is giving up. She doesn't want to do this anymore, she doesn't want to go home and slump on the couch because of something he said or did.
Maybe years ago she was stronger, and maybe at that time she just didn't care. Now she just feels weak, and she cares too much. This is the reason that she can't continue on this path, this is the reason why things turned out the way they did.
She has given up whatever hope she once held, and she can't even bring herself to mourn this fact.
"This is all we will ever be," she whispers as she strides passed him, and her chest feels lighter. She doesn't see the way he looks at her, because it might have been her breaking point.
She wants to move on, but she knows that she won't. At least this way she knows that whatever claim she thought she may have had over him is null and void, because she has given up all rights to that.
She hopes he is happy though she doesn't think that is the case. She would call him on it, if she didn't have other things to worry about.
Oh and for anyone who may have tried to PM me sometime between October and now … well somehow my PM got turned off, I changed that. So PM away. (And review away as well :D)
Any thoughts as to what episode this is related to? All give you a hint, it was one in season 8 :D