Project H: New Moon
By Panicattack/ Project H
Aro: How delightful, everyone is here and alive
Caius: And the fool Edward thought that by not wearing a shirt we'd go easy on him. He was certainly...wrong?
Aro: Edward, may I shake your hand?
Edward: No way. I know you can read all of a person's thoughts just by touching them
Aro: Aw c'mon, I just want to be friends
Edward: Well OK *Shakes hands*
Aro: So you can't read Bella's thoughts, huh?
Edward: Damn you!
Aro: Let me see for myself. *Holds Bella's hand* Nothing!
Jane: My turn
Edward: No I don't think-
Jane: SIT YOUR ASS DOWN!
Edward: Yes miss
Jane: *Angry stare*
Bella: *Confused stare*
Jane: Nope, can't do it
Bella: What's your power?
Jane: I make people wet themselves
Jane: Kidding. It's torturous pain
Aro: Marcus, you try. He has the incredible power of seduction
Marcus: *Struts over* So...you wanna go for a coffee or something?
Bella: No thanks
Marcus: She's good
Edward: I'd be available for coffee if you-
Jane: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Caius: Actually Ed I'd rather like to-
Jane: NO MORE TALKING!
Aro: Well then, that certainly tells us all we need to know. No point testing anyone else's power as they're all pretty weak. Caius had the ability to communicate with ants, Demetri faints if anyone calls him Larry, and Felix has the power of change. Give him a monetary note and he can always give you change
Felix: *Holding two $10 notes* Anybody got a 20?
Aro: Basically our group sucks. But what to do with Bella...
Caius: She knows too much
Edward: Only because you just told and showed her
Edward: And she couldn't possibly be any more a liability then the hundreds of vampires who already know about you
Aro: Also true...
Caius: Forget this, I'll do it myself. Ant army assemble!
Aro: Pathetic. Felix, take care of it
Caius: Conflict? Quick Ed, take your pants off
Edward: *Fights worse*
Aro: Such a shame, Edward. If only you'd be willing to make her one of us
Alice: I'll do it. Take a look
Aro: As you wish *Touches Alice. Sees vision of Bella and Edward getting married, going on their honeymoon, Bella becoming pregnant, the baby snapping her spine as it tries to push out, Edward giving a caesarean with his teeth and tearing a mutant baby out of her womb, injecting Bella's heart with vampire blood, and Bella becoming a vampire. Oh, and a werewolf falls in love with the baby* Oh my...uh, you can go. I don't want anything to do with that
Edward: Excellent. Well thank you Aro, Jane, Caius, Marcus, Felix and...I'm sorry, was it 'Larry'?
Edward: My mistake
*Bella, Edward and Alice start walking out, as tourists walk in*
Tourist 1: This holiday was the best way to celebrate being cured of that terminal disease
Tourist 2: Finally I'm over my irrational fear of having Italians drink my blood
Tourist 3: I can't tell you how much I hope we're not being lead towards hungry vampires
Bella emailing: Alice, I had the weirdest dream that you came back and told me we had to go to Italy to save Edward, and we met the Volturi and...no wait, you're sitting next to me right now. Probably not a dream then. My bad.
P.S. If you got home and found your email packed with weird messages, that was totally a different Bella Swan. I kept things together great while you were gone
Bella: *Slowly stirring awake* Stop it...no...creepy stranger in my- Edward! You're still here! This is great. You shattered my faith in you so much the last time you left that I've come to expect that you'll abandon me the first chance you get
Edward: Bella, the only reason I left was because I thought I was protecting you. Protecting you by taking away the only people who could save you from a vengeful vampire and pack of reckless werewolves. It was an otherwise perfect plan
Bella: And I guess you didn't really leave me since you kept sending me messages when I was in danger
Edward: Say what?
Bella: You appeared to me when I was in trouble
Edward: I can't do that
Bella: Oh...I guess I was just insane then
Edward: You sure were. Sleep now, my little psycho
Bella: And when I wake up, Alice will make me a vampire?
Edward: Yes, exactly that. Except without the you being turned into a vampire bit
Bella: Oh no you don't...
Bella: I've called this Cullen family meeting for several reasons. Firstly, that pizza place we like has stopped allowing orders with the dough soaked in human blood. Secondly, I want to be a vampire
Alice: Yay! I vote 'yes'. I already consider you my sister, and now you can be a sister I share clothes, shoes and corpses with
Jasper: I also vote 'yes'. It would be nice to not want to kill you all the time. I mean, I would still try and kill you, but I'd feel a little bad about it
Rosalie: I'm in two minds about it. On one hand, making you a vampire will put you through incredible pain. On the other, making you a vampire could make you hotter than me. I vote on a happy middle ground where you get put through pain and also have your face ripped off somehow. I think that will please everyone
Emmett: I vote 'yes' for no apparent reason
Esme: Same here
Carlisle: And I vote 'yes' purely for ironic reasons. So Edward, you wanted to be with her forever, well now you can. Ha!
Edward: I hate family meetings
*Edward's car, driving home*
Bella: We'll do it after graduation. Being spotty in a graduation photo is one thing, but being sparkly-
Car: *Screeches to a stop*
Jacob: *Standing in the middle of the road* Thank God it's you this time. 18 cars have come by thinking they saw a traffic cone shaped like a half-naked teen boy
Edward: I wanted to thank you, Jacob. For keeping Bella alive. She almost died 3 separate times but I appreciate the effort
Jacob: Anytime. And by 'anytime' I mean if at anytime you or another vampire bites Bella, the treaty is off, and we are free to defend the land. And that also does away with all those joke clauses you vamps wrote into it, including that we can't go to the toilet indoors and need to take regular flea baths
Edward: Well if you wore a flea collar you wouldn't need to
Jacob: We don't have fleas! Lice maybe...
Edward: If that's all you wanted to say, I think we're done here
Jacob: Bella, I won't let him-
Bella: Jake...don't make me choose. Because it'll be him. It's always been him. I once saw a cute guy on the bus and it was him briefly, but then back to Edward
Edward: She's made herself clear, Jacob. Say Bella, how about we go and get an icy-pole? I know you like licking things that are cold and hard
Jacob: Have it your way. If anyone wants me, I'll be at our toilet tree *Runs off*
Edward: He's right, you shouldn't become what I am. I love human you. You're soft, warm and out in public people always think how out of your league I am
Bella: But to me you feel cold and hard. I'd like to be able to kiss you without feeling like I'm pressing my face against the side of the fridge
Edward: Just give me...five years. I want to preserve you as a hot 23-year-old. See if you fill out those curves a little
Bella: That's too long. I want it to be after graduation
Edward: Alright. But I have one condition if you want me to do it myself. Marry me, Bella
Bella: Marry you?
Edward: It's the only sensible way to order things; marriage, vampirism, make love
Invisible Ed: Ooh, can I watch?
Author's Note: I must once again offer a sincere thanks to all those who read, reviewed or favourited this story. I apologise for the Breaking Dawn spoilers in the Volturi scene, if I gave away part of the story for anyone. I considered putting a warning at the top, but I felt that would have ruined the joke. Eclipse is up next, with possibly a little HP spin-off series coming before that, but we'll see how things go.
See you soon for Project H: Eclipse!