Title: Just an Article

Author: virkatjol

Rating: R

Summary: Kahlan gets a much anticipated magazine with a very special article.

Disclaimer: I don't own them or the magazine. BUT I WISH I DID!

A/N: This idea was implanted in my brain by trochilidae17. So blame her. Thanks to to girls morgenwrites, pickgems, and valhallalilly for the fitting crack BETA! I love you guys, more than you will ever understand. TY for being epic.

She raced over with a delighted giggle and practically ripped the package out of Cara's arms.

"A little excited for a couple pieces of paper, aren't you?"

Cara's sarcasm didn't bother her, she knew that the mord'sith had probably read it front to back on the way to camp. Kahlan couldn't wait to do the same. She carefully unwrapped the burlap from around the pages. At least she'd kept it clean and free from the elements.

The sight of the cover made her heart skip a beat, her breath caught in her throat. She'd heard talk of it, but couldn't believe that it was true.


Her fingers traced the likeness of her Seeker on the glossy magazine cover. Now he'd really made it. The cover of 'Midland's Cosmopolitan' was one of the highest honors. At least if you were a fangirl.

"His article, read it. It's… intriguing." Cara snorted and then barked out a laugh.

Kahlan's eyes finally wandered off his face and took in the rest of the cover.

"How to pack for a long trek and still have room for enough shoes." She read the catch phrases aloud, "What not to wear into a tavern. Things that can help make your night magical, no wizard required."

"Come on, read it already!" She couldn't wait for her response.

"Ten ways to wield his sword." Her face heated as she avoided Cara's gaze. "Oh… I'm glad that he couldn't make the interview or who knows what they would have asked him."

"That didn't seem to stop them from…" Cara thought about her word choice, "speculating."

The Mother Confessor didn't waste any more time she cracked it open and flipped slowly through the first couple pages. Skimming the articles, she picked up a few tips: keeping lipstick solid in the heat, ways to make your hair a perfect up-do with just some small twigs and how to soothe razor burn when your skin is dry and chapped from wind.

She slowly continued through not really reading but wanting to deny herself the instant gratification of seeing Richard's article. There were a couple of fun tips about 'doing it' in comfort on a straw mattress, but Kahlan didn't need those. She sighed thinking about how she couldn't have her true love in that way. How she couldn't make the mattress rock while they made sweet, passionate love.

There was another picture of him on the page next to where the article began. He was drawn leaning against a tree, the tip of his sword at the ready, pointing at a forty five degree angle. His hands gripped it low making it look very phallic. Kahlan let a moan escape her throat and the answering chuckle from Cara made her blush more.

"I think I'll give you some alone time with that article. Richard will be back soon, you might want to finish before he returns." Cara winked at the woman and left to go set up a fire and the rest of camp.

She watched her walk out of sight and then her focus went back to the magazine. She took in the picture for a few moments longer and then went to reading what they had to say.

10 Ways to Wield His Sword: Seeker Style

The title made her smirk and shiver at the same time. She desperately wanted to wield something.

While the staff here at 'Midlands Cosmopolitan' was unable to hook up with the Truth Seeker himself we were able to deduce a few simple ways to aid in his quest. We are hoping that the Mother Confessor gets a hold of our advice and puts it to good use. A little bit of assistance wielding is good for the both of them. Especially considering their situation. We here at the magazine are cheering for you guys to find a way, also we want the exclusive if you do! Now onto the tips:

Kahlan was glad that Cara had left and she didn't know if her embarrassment would ever cool after knowing that other people would be reading this and thinking about her doing whatever followed to Richard.

10. Let him help! Stand in front of him and let him wrap his arms around you and teach you all the right moves. It's a great excuse for him to whisper tips into your ear and maybe sneak a couple nibbles along your neck! Don't forget to act a little clumsy so he has to take quite a bit of time doing this.

Oh these tips might actually be fun, maybe these were things that they could try, her mind was trying to grasp how number ten would feel. She couldn't' even imagine what number one was going to be.

9. Adjust your grip! Everyone needs to know the proper way to hold a sword, let him place your hands right where he likes them. All proper sword wielding should be balanced with a good, strong, firm grip.

8. Admire the way it moves! Everyone, even the Seeker, likes to know that their lady likes how their sword swings. The wave of the blade is very important for a good impaling. If you can get a good movement down the rest is all cake!

Kahlan glanced around, she suddenly felt like there were eyes boring into her, but she didn't see anything. Her subconscious must just be thinking that everyone was looking at her. Oh, spirits what would number one be…

7. OILS! Every precious piece of equipment needs to be cared for some nice oils are always good for them. Get some nice scented ones for extra fun. Make sure you cover the base too! You don't' want that handle to dry out!

6. Watch him hold it! Maybe enjoy your own dagger at the same time! Mutual wielding can be a fun way to relieve tension! No worries about accidental release this way!

"Mutual wielding… Oh spirits…" She wanted that, the mutual part, badly. she never knew how to broach that subject with him. Maybe this article could help pave her way.

5. A good spit and shine! Sure Oils can be fun, but sometimes it's best to get in there with your own bodily fluids and give it a good once or twice or many times over. Don't put too much in at once without proper training though. We don't want anyone choking.

She heard a rustling and let up from her spot and spun around. She still couldn't see anyone. Her ears were burning.

"Hello?" She shouted out into the woods. No reply. "Hello? Come out of there." Still nothing so she returned to her article, this time facing the direction of the noise.

4. Make sure the scabbard is ready! If the place you store the sword isn't prepared to hold it and hug it, you can be sure the sword won't be comfortable inside it and the scabbard won't be thanking the sword later. This can be done by using fingers to spread oils around it, paying close attention to any small nubs.

Hands were on her shoulder and she left out a shriek and flipped around hitting the intruder with her elbow, before seeing who was attacking her.

"Richard! Do not sneak up on me like that!" She yelled at him and punched him in the shoulder.

"Ouch!" He rubbed his ribs and then his shoulder trying to soothe where her elbow had jabbed him followed by her fist. "I guess that wasn't as funny as I thought it would be."

Kahlan just scowled at him.

"I was concentrating. I didn't hear you sneak up on me."

"You heard me in the woods I had to reposition myself." He looked at what she'd dropped on the ground during the attack. "I see why…" He reached for her magazine but she was too fast and had it snatched up and held closely to her chest.

"You aren't getting your hands on this one. Last time you just mocked everything in it."

"Well it's unreasonable! Some of the suggestions they have for getting a man, keeping them happy, achieving better… uh… orgasm." He didn't think that he'd trip over that word, but saying it to Kahlan's face seemed to cause him some discomfort. He could see the rise of pink on her skin as well. "Besides, why would byou/b need that advice?"

"I…" She felt her eyes tear up. "I don't… You're right. I'll never have need of anything in here." Kahlan sank to the earth and dropped the magazine between her legs as they pulled up to her chest, her arms wrapping around them and squeezing herself into a ball.

"Kahlan." He sat next to her and pulled her body into his, she struggled to move away, but his strong arms held tightly. "I didn't mean it like that. I only-"

"You didn't mean that I'll never have any of that? I know that. I know better than anyone that I'll never have it. No matter how much I wish it, everyday of my life, it will never be mine."

"I meant that you have me."

"I don't though, not really." She turned into him then and began to cry into his chest.

"No matter if we can never take anything further than kissing and maybe watching, you bdo/b have me. And you don't need any of the advice on how to catch me and keep me. You've got that down. As for orgasms, I'm sure that when we have them, with each other, they will be good."

Her sobs quieted and she felt his lips against her hair, kissing her.

"Now what were you reading?" He heard the groan that she released against his chest. "Come on, sit up and read the rest to me."

"I don't know if that is a good idea…"

"I want to hear it." He sounded desperate to hear what was in the article.

"I'm sure you do." She said it quietly, under her breath so that he couldn't hear.

"What was that?" At her head shake he moved on, "Please, Kahlan. Read it to me."

She took a deep breath and continued where she'd left off.

3. Sheath the sword! Everyone needs a good smooth sheathing of their sword. After you've followed step four you should be more than ready for this one! Let him push it in the scabbard, or you can help, or perhaps he'll let you aim it for the opening and guide it in. There are many ways to mix this step up, be creative!

"What are you reading?" He could feel the stirring of his own sword in his breeches and could only bring up images of sheathing it deep inside of Kahlan.

"It's an article, you know typical Cosmo stuff…" She would die if he made her tell him the title. So she quickly moved onto number two.

2. Thrusting! Who doesn't love to parry around with their sword. Thrusting and pulling back and thrusting again is a lot of fun. Sometimes you can go on for hours just playing the thrusting game. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. A little to the left or right. Changing angles can be fun as well! Play around and find the best rhythm for you!

"No, really, tell me the title. I'm dying of curiosity." He tried to peak over her shoulder and she blocked his view.

"You will go to your grave not knowing, Richard Cypher." Her eyes were on him, making sure he couldn't see the magazine, then she went to read the final thing on the list.

1. Release the magic! At the end of every good training the magic of the sword needs to be set free. This provides ecstasy for the user. If your sparring partner has magic of his/her own then they should follow this step simultaneously if they can. (Tip for guys: remember Ladies first, it's only polite!) Magic is never as powerful when released with the one you love so don't rush into this step, make sure it's the real thing.

He had the magazine freed of her grasp before she could prevent it, she'd been so taken thinking about letting her magic overtake her while he was thrusting his sword. A shiver went up her spine and she looked down and saw she wasn't holding the paper any longer. Her eyes grew large and she slowly looked over at him.

The expression pasted across his face matched hers.

"Spirits, If you wanted tips on 'Wielding my Sword' you could have asked. I'd happily inform you."

Kahlan frowned at him and her fist connected with his shoulder again. She watched as he tossed the magazine to the side and was about to protest when his mouth was covering hers.

He was kissing her hard. Their tongues tangled back and forth, lips slipping across each other, sucking and licking, breath mingling, then he was gone.

His forehead rested against hers and their noses touched.

"Kahlan, would you like to test out some of your new knowledge?"

"I would. Very much." She smiled as her hand crept down to the laces on his breeches. The night was going to be very… educational.

The End