THE FERENGINAR PASSENGER AND FREIGHT SERVICE
By Lorraine Anderson
If I might have your attention...
Good morning! I said, good morning! Ah, a deaf species. Well, I'll talk louder. WELCOME!
Welcome to the Ferenginar Passenger and Freight Service. I am Krem, your skipper for this three days journey...
I shall never figure out why you hew-mans laugh when I mention my position. Won't you tell me? No?
Welcome aboard the Jonathan. I named it after a hew-mon I greatly admire. Gave me to lobes to demand this ship from my cousin, Ullis. For short, I call it the "Jon."
Thank you for the premium you paid me up front. I am not supposed to come within one light year of your Federation, but I hope you'll agree with me that this was worth it. Urk! Far be
it for me to inquire as to why you wanted my service. Now, if you'll please take your arm from around my neck?
Anyway, I am required by the Ferenginar Commission to familiarize you with the safety features and regulations of this vessel.
Our gravitic plating is the finest in the universe; however, in the unlikely event of a gravity failure, please note the handy rope straps lining the walls. Try not to pull them too hard if this is the case; they are designed so that you may pull them from the walls. Each section is a flotation device, in case we land in water. Simply cross your arms across your chest...
Ah, I'm forgetting the most important point! If you will take out the credit chits given to you for your gold-pressed latinum at the beginning of the trip and find the scanning ports on the walls, the cushions will release after you scan your chits.
Can you hear me back there? Ah, I thought you said something. Sounded like muttering. Yes, the toilets are back that way. Your credit chits will also open the doors. Buckets may be had for a lesser price, but there is a dumping fee.
In the even more unlikely event of an emergency — say, a case of mistaken identity by a creditor — emergency escape pods are located on the outer hull. Yes, they also require a credit chit.
What's that, Pilot?
The Pilot has told me that the aft side pods are missing, due to a minor incident we had last week involving some friendly Nausicans. You know the Nausicans, always good for a joke! You should have heard Pilot scream when they came after him!
Anyway, those passengers in the aft section, please run forward and we will attempt to accommodate you. However, please note that due to the dictates of our culture, we may already have left, so please run fast. "Run away, so that you may earn another day." Not a Rule of Acquisition, simply a charming saying.
"Space suits"? Well, sir, you might try to fit in a Ferengi suit, but you look pretty big.
We do apologize for the smell. The… what kind of animals? The pigs, cows, and chickens you insisted on seem to make quite a bit of a mess. You didn't tell us about that. We do not clean up after animals. We're just fortunate they can't operate the turbolifts! I would suggest that all sentient beings avoid going below Deck C.
Yes, if you clean up after them, we will only charge a little extra.
Still, as our Galley is on Deck E, I would suggest only what we call replicated food will be available on this trip. I understand you're not used to replicated foods. Simply wave your credit chit in front of the replicator and state your choice. Only the appropriate amount will be deducted from your account. This same simple system works for the Entertainment System, the sonic showers, and the toilets. Oh, yes, I've already mentioned the toilets.
The bed? Ah, you're being humorous. No, your bed is included in your ticket. If you want a mattress, however, or sheets, or pillows, those are available for a small extra fee.
I believe I've covered everything. I trust you all are rated with phasers or are traveling with those who are rated with phasers. If not, find a buddy...
Ah. I've been requested to ask for a Navigator. Our previous navigator met with a slight accident with the aforementioned Nausicans which left a hole in his chest. The captain is asking if you will look out the window, is our destination the star cluster that looks like a kidney...?
Speaking of looking out the window, is that the Enterprise?
Ah, our cue to leave!... No, Captain Archer, we seem to be having trouble with our communications equipment… Jump to warp, now!