Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

A/N: I have to give credit to my friend and co-author The-Jellybaby-Bandit for making this happen.

Escape Plan by Frank Featherstiff

Chapter One: Sex, Lies and Santana

Santana Lopez was a bitch.

It wasn't really a fact that that troubled the Latina any. After all, being selfish meant the she got just what she wanted. Except for now though.

Santana Lopez, as well as being a bitch, had always been a loner. Even surrounded by other Cheerios and exerting her will on the group consciousness the Latina was never fully committed to anything. Santana had always been completely focused on what she could get from others and had never fully opened up to anyone. Opening up led to getting hurt.

Santana Lopez was a loner -

'An alone loner...'

The first inklings Santana got of all not being quite right with the world, was when she found that after her breakup with Brittany – that instead of the blonde pining for her and begging her to take her back as she had herself wanted – Brittany had instead started dating Artie.

'Seriously – did the girl have a secret polyester fetish or something?'

Santana Lopez was lonely – and Santana Lopez did not like lonely.

What she wanted now for her life for the first time, included other people, and that had her thinking.

The Latina lay sprawled out on her bed wearing nothing more than an old pair of boy shorts – stolen from Puck and an old tee shirt – stolen from Brittany. Santana scoffed at the realisation that her entire wardrobe for that evening had actually been pilfered from previous sexual partners.

Santana stared at the ceiling as her eyes traced the cracks in the plaster – she would have to get her Dad to get a decorator – having less than perfect décor just wasn't acceptable.

The Latina had always had a plan for her life. What she had wanted more than anything, was to make damn sure that she got out of this hellhole of a town and didn't end up a Lima loser.

Being alone for just a short while however had served as a timely reminder to the Latina of the knife-edge she was walking.

And it scared her.

Santana Lopez didn't like being scared.

Glancing at the clock on the shelf to her left, Santana saw that it wasn't quite late enough to go to sleep – if she tried the Latina knew that she'd just end up lying in the dark staring at the shadows for hours. She could always sext Puck but since the half-back had come back from Juvie he'd shown zero interest in getting back with her. Sure – Santana still made out that they were fucking like bunnies – but that was just for show. In truth, Santana hadn't had any for weeks now and it was starting to grate on her nerves.

No sexting Puck would only make things worse – what she needed was something to put her to sleep. If she could sleep then it would be tomorrow sooner – and tomorrow held the promise of being better than today.

'A bath... that will make me sleepy...'

Gracefully swinging herself round and planting her feet on the floor, enjoying the feeling of the deep pile carpet as it caressed her feet, the Cheerio padded across her bedroom to the en-suite master bath. Her bedroom was actually the Master bedroom for the house – being a spoiled only child had it's advantages after all – especially when it came time to decide who got what bedroom.

Her parents were well enough off with their own room in the West Wing of the house.

When Santana said West Wing, she meant West Wing. Alejandro Lopez, Santana's Dad was a Doctor – a real Doctor that is, not one of those tooth doctors like Miss Pilsbury's sexiest-dentist-to-ever-live.

'Hey, I wonder if he'd be interested in filling some of my cavities...'

Alejandro Lopez was a very successful Doctor – Santana had no idea what her Dad was successful at other than at bringing in high paying clients and milking them for every red cent they had. As a result Santana, her Mom and her Dad all lived in a veritable palatial mansion on the outskirts of Lima just a stones throw from the Country Club.

It was an opulent setting, one that Santana was used to, however with only the three of them – plus Jennings, their butler – rattling around the place, the Lopez residence had more of a museum feel to it than of a family home.

Throwing on the overhead spotlights, Santana crossed to the bank of mirrors, enjoying as she always did, the contrast between the cream coloured tiles and her rich mocha coloured skin. It had been one of the things Brit had liked about their being together too – the hours the blonde had spent just lying in bed with the Latina and staring at the contrast between their skin tones had been some of the most peaceful moments of Santana's life.

'And now she's with Artie and I'm all alone...'

The Latina amused herself as she set up, with thoughts of being serviced by Miss Pilsbury's dentist. In truth, she forgot his name, it was Chris or Karl or something but then his name wasn't wasn't important, just his ass in those leather pants he'd worn during the Rocky Horror project the Glee club had performed recently.

Santana squatted as she dug around in the cabinet beneath the sink. Retrieving her favourite scented candles, she set them out on the counter, before striking a match and lighting them.

Inhaling deeply of the resulting smoke Santana could already feel her tense muscles beginning to relax. Now all she needed was a long hot -


– soak – the Latina corrected herself forcefully.

Bending over, she turned the tap on the bathtub until small clouds of steam begin filling the room. Picking up the small ceramic container sitting in pride of place on the shelf above the sink, Santana lifted off the lid, inhaled and smiled.

Her great-aunt had sent her the little dish from one of her many trips around the world. Dead Sea Salts were a particular favourite of the Latina and she swore by their relaxing properties.

'So did Brit-...'

Santana clamped down viciously on her train of thought. Now was not the time to get emotional – she could get emotional after she was dead.

Santana's Great-Aunt had done what the Latina herself wanted to do. She had escaped the family and the expectations and run far away to live a nomadic existence, never staying in one place too long, experiencing life to the full. It was something Santana could relate to – she didn't want to end up stuck in this hick town either.

Reaching inside the little container, Santana picked up the small wooden scoop and added a small pinch of the sea salts to her bath water. Bending at the waist and slipping her panties down her legs and kicking them off to the side – Martha their housekeeper would pick them up in the morning – Santana straightened before she grabbed the hem of her shirt and lifted it up and over her hair.

Appraising her naked body in the mirror, Santana was pleased with what she saw. Firm toned breasts, no more than a handful each, topped with dusky pink nipples that contrasted perfectly with her skin; a flat stomach leading down to her long supple legs – which the Latina could place behind her ears without breaking sweat.

'How could nobody want this?'

The question was asked of herself, half in actual disbelief and half in mourning – for nobody had wanted Santana in far too long.

Santana switched off the faucet and slipped into the slightly too hot water hissing slightly. She liked making her bath a little too hot at first knowing that it would therefore last longer before the water went cold. The Latina took a moment to admire how the water changed the shades in her skin before she leaned back against the bath pillow and let her mind wander.

Santana was certainly smart enough to get out of Lima, of that there was no doubt. With the possible exception of her third period pre-cal class where that frigid bitch Mrs Isaacs just hated her, the Latina had been getting all 'A's in the recent past. If she'd been able to make up the quizzes she had been forced to miss because of Cheerios practice, she'd have probably had an 'A' for pre-cal too.

It was worth it however – Coach Sue Sylvester was a guarantee that Cheerleading itself was a ticket into any college the Latina could have wanted. But Santana was well aware that all it would take would be for her to pick up one niggling injury – land awkwardly just once and twist a knee for that dream to be completely obliterated.

No, it was better to have multiple options. Multiple options meant multiple routes of escape.

Shifting lower in the water, Santana used her toe to start the hot water dripping into the tub. The water gurgled as it hit the overflow drain, and the liquid began to slosh over the edge of the tub. Santana was oblivious however as she had already moved on to thinking about other things.

Other things such as Glee.

While Santana accepted that she might not have been the driving force behind the Glee club bandwagon – she couldn't deny that she actually enjoyed the club and would hate to give it up.

She may be a bitch, but the kids in Glee had her back on more than one occasion and she was grateful for that.

And that was the dilemma Santana found herself facing.

She may indeed prove successful in being able to get out of Lima, but once she was gone those few people who were in her corner now would be left behind. Santana didn't like the thought that there would be no one in her corner any more.

Coach Sylvester wouldn't care, and the Glee kids would all have moved on to their own lives. There was just no way in Hell that Santana was going to let that happen. More than anything, Santana wanted these kids, these outcast, looked down on and downtrodden kids from Glee to be her friends. And not just for now, but for life. If there was one thing that Santana Lopez knew without doubt – it was that Santana Lopez always got what she wanted.

High school romances were always doomed to fail once they got to the real world because they had never really been tested. That could be fixed though. Santana realised that with a little intervention, she could be the one testing them. And then once she was able to get everyone back together again – the way they were supposed to be – they would be set. After all, if a romance lasts forever then the person that made it all happen would be best friends with them for life.

Santana sat up and reached over to her loofah as she began to sluice her skin removing the top layer of skin as she made a mental checklist of what she'd have to do.

Firstly, she wanted Brit back. Of that she was clear. That she thought would be pretty straightforward. If Santana engineered events properly she could get Artie away from her girl and back fixated on Tina – after all the wheelchair-bound boy and the Asian girl were a cute couple.

Of course, destroying Mike and Tina's relationship would leave Mike single and available – which was perfect because Santana could then pair him up with Mercedes. It might sound a little unconventional at first, but Mercedes fiery passion would be balanced by Mike's coolness under pressure. Plus, Santana was sure that Mercedes had an appreciation for a killer set of abs.

Sam and Quinn worked already as a couple and so did Finn and Rachel, so Santana decided that she could leave them be. If worst came to worse, she could engineer Sam with Rachel and Finn with Quinn – the only one the Latina could see losing out in that slightly would be Sam -

'Sacrifices must be made...'

Santana cackled as she lathered herself up and rinsed.

Having paired up the rest of the gleeks, Santana realised that there were only two 'real' gleeks left – nobody counted that bigfoot in drag that Puck had brought to Sectionals - Puck and Kurt.

Of course, Kurt being newly ensconce at Dalton Academy and hot for his new 'gal-pal' – Bane or Betty or whatever – again, names aren't important – was an issue true. Santana however was confident in her abilities. If she worked it right, she could get Kurt back at McKinley and from there it would be a piece of cake.

'Oooh... cake...'

Santana reached over and pulled the plug from the bath, laying back and enjoying the tickling sensation against her skin as the water drained away from around her.

Finally, the Latina focused on the final participant of her little relationship-o-rama – Puck.

If anything, convincing Puck to go along with her plan would probably be the easiest part – after all the half-back had never exactly been fussy about where, or with who he found release.

Puckzilla got hard for any warm mouth; his whole trip to the dark side with bigfoot the other day was evidence enough of that. The Latina shuddered at the thought before shaking it off.

It would be simple really, a few carefully chosen words here, a suggestion there and bam – Puck would see just how much better it could be for him batting for the other team.

Of course, were anyone to learn of her manipulations then the entire house of cards would come crashing down – but then she was Santana Lopez – and Santana Lopez didn't get caught.

'Well except that one time...'

Chuckling again as she recalled being caught in the showers at school with Brit by Coach Tanaka, the Latina raised herself out of the tub. Reaching over to the rack by the tub, Santana quickly wrapped herself up in an Egyptian cotton towel and padded back through to her bedroom.

Getting herself ready for bed, the Latina began to plot.

It was lunch the next day before Santana could begin to put her plan into action. Stalking into the cafeteria as if she owned the place, the Latina basked in the numerous appreciative glances from various jocks – and ewww, Santana cringed – teachers on her way to the Glee table.

Quinn, Tina, Brit –

'Don't focus on how hot she looks right now...'

God it hurt.

Fixing a superior expression back onto her face, in order to replace the one of sorrow at seeing Brittany, Santana tried to set aside the growing sense of despair that was threatening to overwhelm her.

'I refuse to be alone...'

Quinn, Tina, Brittany, Mike, Rachel, and Mercedes were already seated around the table, each digging in to their chosen selection from the day's lunch menu.

With a flip of her hair the Latina glared down at Mike who was in her spot at what had quickly become the 'Glee Girls' table. Santana had vociferously fought against Berry's attempts to shorten the name to 'Gleerls' – I mean the Latina was taking enough flak as it was for being in the club – no point in making it even worse.

"Move it Asian. No pussy, no seaty..."

Ignoring the various rolled eyes and looks of disgust sent her way, Santana held her ground and stared pointedly at the squirming Mike who was being pinned in place by an equally fierce glare from Tina.

Finally – after several tense seconds of deadlock – the Asian boy capitulated to Santana, giving Tina a kiss on the head and an apologetic whisper as he left.

"What do you want Santana?...", Rachel spat as Santana gracefully slipped into her seat just milliseconds after Mike had gone, "... Gonna steal 'cedes tots now too?"

"Bitch'll have a fight on her hands if she tries...", warned Mercedes, slinging a protective arm around the mound of potatoey goodness piled high on her plate.

The group all chuckled as Tina play acted trying to steal a tot from Mercedes plate and the black girl growled back at Tina in mock-warning.

Ignoring the byplay as it didn't concern her Santana pressed on with her scheme.

"Chillax Aretha – I have a figure to maintain so tots are so totally not on my menu. I'm here about Kurt."

Santana rolled her eyes at the looks of suspicion and disbelief from the other girls at the table – all but Brittany who was smiling blankly as per usual.

"What?...", asked the Latina feigning defensiveness, "... Am I the only person who thinks it sucks that Kurt isn't here?"

"Yeah right...," Mercedes said turning back to her tray of tots. "...why would you even care?"

Even to someone as self-obsessed as Santana Lopez, it was obvious that the loss of her BFF had taken its toll on Mercedes. It was probably why the girl was stuffing her face with a pound of tots at lunchtime on a Tuesday – if Santana actually gave a crap, she'd have thought it was a cry for help.

"Because he is one of us...", Santana said letting her eyes drift down to examine the Formica top to the lunch room table.

Santana was well aware that she had to be careful. If she was too emotional and appeared to care too much – because lets face it she didn't really – then she risked someone calling her out on it. However, if she played it too cool then the Latina would risk losing the interest of the other girls at the table.

It was a delicate balance to maintain but then she was Santana Lopez. For a woman of her undeniable talents, it'd be like perching atop a human pyramid – a piece of cake.

'Focus Sanny...'

Santana flinched at the voice in her head reminding her to keep up her act – why the voice had to have Brittany's voice the Latina would ponder later.

"Besides, even when Kurt is pissed at me he's pissed at me and not just at the school bicycle."

Santana kept her head down, so that the other girls wouldn't be able to see the beginnings of the smile of triumph on her face.

'It had never been in doubt...'

Let the others think that she had a problem with the reputation she had earned. Not that she did though – Santana had worked hard on that reputation – and was damn proud of it.

However, it would just make things easier in the long run to play the victim on this occasion.

"So," Santana asked looking up and meeting the curious eyes of the group, "... are we going to fight to get Kurt back or not?"

Asking the question was a moot point as far as Santana was concerned. She already knew the answer – the seed had been planted – and all the Latina had to do was let it blossom.

"He isn't safe here…" Rachel argued.

Santana rolled her eyes – of course Rachel would try to apply her own particular brand of logic to proceedings – Kurt's safety wasn't why the Latina was doing this. Of course everyone else didn't know that.

Even so, it wouldn't do to let the group think too deeply about that problem. Too long with time to think would lead to the outside chance that one of them would have an original thought. And original thoughts were a danger to 'the plan'.

"Then we make it safe...", insisted Santana, letting out a little faux-anger and slapping her open palm down on the table top. Mercedes growled as her mountain of tots began to crumble as a result of the vibration but Santana paid the black girl no mind.

"The teenage boys at the school are the ones causing problems for Kurt. But it's we who have what they want. Keep it from them and they will be carrying Kurt around in a Sedan Chair to get it back..."

The Latina waited for the expected explosion of agreement with her plan and was shocked when instead of the whoops and cheers she had predicted, there was nothing.

No reaction whatsoever.

Except for God damn blank looks – Santana was starting to think her plan to keep these idiots as friends wasn't perhaps her finest moment.

'Still... needs must...'

"Uh – what do we have again?" asked Tina whilst the rest of the girls all nodded in concert.

Thankfully clarification came from the one source that Santana hadn't expected and from the once voice in the group with the power to cause her heart to clench.

"Our sweet lovin'..." squealed Brittany, glancing over to Artie sitting at the table opposite.

"Exactly!..." said Santana as her eyes somehow managed to light up at the same instant that her heart was ripped from her chest, "...the girls of McKinley High have to go on sex strike."

Santana paused for a moment to enjoy the looks of stupefaction on the faces of the other girls – well all except for Brittany who was grinning widely at having been proven right. For a moment the Latina felt like she was back during the good old days where praising Brittany made the girl smile and made every other shitty thing about life just fade away.

Reaching into her bag, Santana pulled out a handful of rainbow colored ribbons which she distributed to the girls one by one.

"The plan is, we all wear them and the boys get no sweet something something til it's safe to reintroduce Hummels to the wild. Even the boys who never get any, like that ape Karofsky, will be pressured into falling into line by everyone else."

"But why would people do this for the Glee club? People hate us" asked Tina again providing the voice of reason and trying to rain on Santana's parade.

'God... I should never think that phrase again... too many Berry/Streisand flashbacks... not pleasant...'

Santana made a mental note to watch Tina in future; vampire princess Asian may be just a little bit too smart for her own good.

"They won't..." said Santana simply and shrugging off the Asian girl's comments as if they were immaterial.

"But then how...", butted in Rachel, causing Santana to roll her eyes and hold up a hand – the diva didn't look pleased to be so effectively shushed but then what did the Latina care?

"As I was saying, they won't do it for the Glee club but they will do it for the Cheerios. It's quite simple really, with Kurt last year at Nationals we won and Cheerios always do whatever it takes to win. Even if that means switching to a cock-free diet."

Santana paused seeing that her passion was bleeding through too much and that a couple of the members of the group; specifically Quinn and Mercedes were beginning to look wary. It was time to allay their fears,

"Plus, if Quinn calls the Captains of the other Cheerleading squads in town, we can get them to join us in shunning the McKinley High boys, if the three of us..." Santana pointed at the Cheerios at the table, "... promise them each a 10-minute clinic."

Rachel again opened her mouth to speak – no doubt with some self-important utterance – but Santana held up her hand once again and smirked as the brunette diva snapped her mouth shut and crossed her arms with a huff.

"I know most of you are not putting out – though as I've said before you should be, if only so we win at Football – but we need to flood their eyes with this ribbon. Wherever they see the ribbon they'll see a big no-entry sign – and it only works if we all take part."

Santana was aware of the silently fuming Rachel and decided to throw the girl a bone before her head exploded – after all what the Latina had said was true – she did need everyone on board for the plan to work. Raising a single eyebrow at the diva, Santana gave Rachel the permission to speak she had denied her earlier.

Unhinging her jaw like a snake about to swallow a watermelon, Rachel took in a huge gulp of air before going off on one of her customary self-righteous rants.

"What I was going to say, before I was so rudely cut off at the knees...", Rachel glared at Santana who simply stared back completely nonplussed by the girl's open hostility, "...was that I, for one, am in.

Santana couldn't prevent the look of shock that crossed her face – the Latina had thought that Berry as one of the 'prudes' amongst the Glee girls would be more likely to oppose the plan. Santana quickly slipped her mask of superiority back on as Rachel was still talking.

'No surprise there then...'

"...as Glee club Captain -..."

"Self-appointed Captain...", reminded Mercedes as Rachel continued talking over the top of the black girl as if she hadn't spoken.

"... it is a sad state of affairs when Santana is the person fighting for club cohesion."

"Whatever," said Santana rolling her eyes and reasserting her control over the group, "... from here on out there is to be no lovin'. No kissing. No holding hands and definitely no putting out."

Fastening her ribbon around her wrist ensuring that it was clearly visible, Santana watched with satisfaction as the rest of the girls all followed suit.

"Brit and Quinn, get the word out to the girls of Lima. Tina and Mercedes, my parents are out of town this weekend. I need you to put together a Glee blowout party at my house, and I need you to get all of the club's measurements – guys and girls – to me at least the day before that. You should be able to swipe them form our Sectionals costumes. Berry – ..."

Santana paused seeing the mutinous expression on Rachel's face and sighed – time to throw the bitch another bone...

"Rachel – I need you to choose the perfect songs for these pairs to sing...", said Santana withdrawing a sheaf of paper from her bag and handing it over to the girl, "... I know you will have mixed and matched everyone in the club already. Also, I need you to plan a number to make Kurt feel like he is one of us still when he shows up to the party. Something showy, you think you can handle that?"

"You listened to me Santana?" Rachel asked genuinely shocked that the Latina had actually paid attention to a single word she'd said.

"When you say something that helps, I listen. When you say something that is so stupid or annoying that I daydream about cutting off all of your hair and feeding it to you til you choke – not so much."

Santana ignored the sniggering from Tina and Mercedes at Rachel's sour expression, in favor of rounding off her speech – the Latina was so close she could literally taste victory.

"Well ladies, Operation Hummel-Homecoming is a go."

Standing up, she walked over to the table where the Glee boys were congregated and slid into a spare seat between Sam and Finn. Grabbing Puck's cell out of the boy's hands, Santana ignored the half-back's protest and began scrolling through the menus. She didn't bother looking at the boys as she addressed them as she sensed the other girls flanking her,

"We are getting Kurt back and if any of you give the girls a hard time about our methods, I will personally feed you your own balls through a sieve. Are we clear?"

None of the boys objected verbally and Santana heard the intake of breath and muttered cursing that signaled their capitulation.

"Its all your fault really after all. You all failed to keep Kurt safe and so now we girls are going to have to do it for you. Finn, I need you to get me the highlight footage from all of the team's games last year."

"That won't be a lot of highlights – we only won once...", said Finn with no small amount of bitterness.

Finishing her text and clearing the memory, Santana slid the phone back across the table to Puck, while holding up a hand in Finn's face.

"I did not ask for your opinion Frankenteen," when Finn did not immediately get up to leave, Santana gestured with a little shooing motion, "... go Frankenteen, vamoose, flee, escape... begone!"

While Finn hurriedly got to his feet and made a beeline for the first member of the AV Club he could find, Santana withdrew a nail file and began to sort out her cuticles.

'I need to get to the manicurist...'

"What the Hell did you do to my phone?" asked Puck as he scrolled through all of the settings but could find nothing wrong.

Santana glared at the jock for daring to speak to her in that tone of voice as she replied,

"I was sexting myself since you seemed to leave your balls back in Juvie and become so lame at it lately. Don't worry though, I made sure to tell myself that we were over."

Not waiting for a response, Santana pushed back her chair, causing Rachel to have to dive out of the way or be squished. Glaring at each of the boys in turn, the Latina spun on the spot so that her skirt would give the boys a little show before she marched off.

Confused to a man, the boys all stared at each other before looking up at the remaining Glee girls – none of whom looked particularly pleased to see them.

"What's going on?" Sam asked Quinn quietly as the girlfriends at the table all pulled away from their respective men without explanation.

"Sorry babe...", Quinn said shrugging off Sam's attempt to hold her hand, "... the girls are going on an affection strike until the boys in this school fall in line to make this place safe for Kurt."

"Who declared cockblock-ageddon?" Puck asked as the horror of the situation settle into the minds of the men.

The girls simply shook their head before they walked away.

A/N: Thanks for reading. I will try to get this out at least bi-weekly.