AN: That's the problem with metafiction, no one's in character. They all know they're not real, so they all just want to burn shit. I'm talking about my OCs-the canon characters don't have much in the way of character to be 'in' in the first place. Well, then, R&R. Or not; like I care about the kind of people who read Twilight fanfiction.
Sue Hunt: Twilight Edition
The door to Browne's office opened, and entered four OCs from four different fandoms. "What the—didn't you die last time?" Kyo (of the InuYasha fanfic Ties That Bind) demanded.
"Pfft, there's no continuity in metafiction," Don James (of the Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfic At World's End) replied.
"Whatever, we're here for a reason," Alex Gentry (of the Danny Phantom fanfic Necromancy (gee, guess what it's about)) said tersely. "Let's get started."
"I thought you didn't actually care about Mary Sues and the like," Hiroshi (of the Blood+ fanfic Thicker than Water (get it?)) pointed out.
"This is a special case," Alex said, nodding at Browne (also of At World's End).
"Today, you're going into the world of Twilight," Browne said.
"Do we have to?" Hiroshi pleaded.
"There's Twilight fan fiction? Isn't that a bit redundant?" Don James contemplated. "I mean, Twilight itself is like a horrible Sue-fic of a real vampire story."
"Don't call those things vampires—they are sparkle fairies," Hiroshi snapped. "What kind of vampire does not die horribly upon contact with the sunlight, or at least get hurt or incapacitated in some way?"
"…You?" Kyo pointed out.
"Hey, no one ever said that chiropterans were vampires. Sure, I'm an immortal humanoid creature who drinks human blood and can transform into a bat-like flier, but no one in Blood+ ever uttered the word 'vampire,'" Hiroshi said defensively. "Besides, the Schiff burst into flames in sunlight."
"Yeah, how did that work, anyway? I mean, they were created in a lab, but they were the only ones to act like real vampires," Kyo demanded.
Browne cleared his throat. "Your attention, please? I have a mission for you."
"Right, what horrible Sue-fic in the Twilight fandom are we going to invade?" Don James asked.
"Twilight itself," Browne said.
Alex was beaming a slasher smile. "Merry Christmas to me."
"Bye, now," and Browne pushed a button activating a trap door in the floor that everyone fell into, except Alex who had jumped out of the way.
"Hah! You're not getting me that way again!" he crowed.
"Whatever, just leave; I've got world domination to plot," Browne waved towards the door.
"About time you showed up," Hiroshi said.
"Hey, you could have flown if you'd wanted to," Alex retorted. "Hey, what's going on?"
Kyo said: "Don hacked—"
"Don James; you have to say the whole thing," Don James said.
"Whatever, Stu-face. Don James hacked the internet and is tracking down all the information we need to hunt them critters."
"Don't you come from a post-apocalyptic hell-world with no internet? How can you even do that?" Alex demanded.
"…'Cuz. Shut up," Don James said. He muttered: "Giant robots beat an internet, any day. We don't have Sue-fics written on giant robots." Then aloud: "I think I found James."
"Awesome—let's get in your eva and kill him," Kyo said, patting him on the back.
"…I don't have an eva."
"What? How did we get stuck with the ONLY Gary Stu in all of Eva fandom to not have his own personal giant robot?" Kyo demanded.
"My Token Sue Flaw is that I'm so individualistic that I can't synchronize with an eva," Don James said.
"I thought it was that you're a narcissistic, shallow little brat," Hiroshi said.
"No, that results from my being a deconstruction of Gary Stus," Don James corrected.
"Right, then, let's go—chop-chop," Alex clapped impatiently.
James was feeding on a human when the figure showed up. He looked like a teenage Japanese girl with blue eyes. "You know, I remember the first scene I saw you in—you and your pals were eating that fisherman." The eyes began to glow, and the voice took on an edge of threat: "You tricked me into thinking that you were going to be cool, but you were not. I've got to tell you, on behalf of villains everywhere, you let us down."
"Look, buddy, I don't know who or what you are, but you really don't want to mess with a vampire—"
"You are not a vampire! You are a sparkle fairy!" the figure punched through a wall. "You are a poor excuse for a villain. What the hell was your motivation? Browne wanted to rule the world so he could save it, Alex was trying to kill the hero of his story because a misunderstanding led him to believe that he was the villain, and I was trying to rescue the last breeding queens of my species from the heroes so that I could teach them to be ruthless hunters instead of all that human morality crap they were being fed by Kai and friends. So what's your motivation? Bella's blood smelled sweet and you had to have it. Basically, you wanted candy and didn't have any self-control. That's not how a supervillain who wants to be taken seriously behaves! That is the action of a spoiled child! Can you imagine Lex Luthor acting like that? Of course not! You suck. You completely suck."
James snarled. "Oh, you are asking for it!" He launched at the figure.
In the blink of an eye, he was across the room—and Hiroshi had his arms pinned behind his back, from the front. "Now!" Hiroshi shouted, and Don James, hiding in the shadows, shot James in the head.
"Insert snappy one-liner," Don James said, deadpan.
"That was an amazing shot, actually," Kyo said. "I mean, you managed to get a headshot off a moving target who was struggling with one of your allies. How did you…oh, right. Stu."
"Hey, it comes in handy."
Alex chimed in: "Hey, uh, do Twilight vam—er, sparkle fairies die when you shoot them in the head?"
"If he's alive, he ain't happy," Hiroshi said dryly.
"Still, maybe I ought to fully lobotomize him so Alex can use his necromantic powers on him." Don James shot James' body in the face several times. "There; if his brains ain't scrambled, Stephanie Meyer knows even less about biology than I give her credit for."
Alex knelt over James, muttering in some pretentious dead language and pulled a dagger out of somewhere, slitting his wrist over a chalice while never missing a beat in his chant; after bandaging his wounded wrist, he fed the blood to James, who began to heal.
"Did it work?" Kyo asked.
James opened his eyes, and glared up at Alex. "What are you?"
"Not what, who. Who am I, James?"
"I'll take that as a 'yes,'" Kyo said.
"James, I need you to return to your friends and kill them," Alex said.
"I recommend waiting for them to feed on that fisherman, then decapitating them while their backs are turned," Hiroshi said. Don James glared at him. "What? That one chick pulled his boat into harbor single-handedly while it was struggling in the opposite direction, and he didn't immediately figure out that something was really, really wrong here; he deserves to die."
"Fair enough," Alex said, nodding to James, who bowed and was gone in a blink of an eye.
Jacob was walking through the woods, when suddenly he was pinned against a tree, covered from neck to toe in a cocoon. "What the hell is this?"
"Vampires in your universe have special individual powers, right? Well, so do the ones from Blood+, only theirs are a bit more physical," Don James said.
"For the last time, they are not vampires, they are sparkle fairies!" Hiroshi said. "Also, I'm not a vampire, either—I'm a chiropteran."
"Yeah, that word actually means 'bat,'" Don James pointed out.
"Whatever," Hiroshi said crossly.
"Who are you? What do you want?" Jacob demanded.
"Yeah, I'm a bit confused on that count, myself," Kyo said. "I thought we had a formula, and here we are offing this jerk in the woods like any other Sue Hunters. Kind of thought we were a better breed."
"Look, I realize that we're shortchanging Jacob a bit by not giving him a You Suck Speech before offing him, but doing him justice would mean watching New Moon, and maybe even Eclipse," Alex said. "Is anyone here willing to make that sacrifice? Show of hands." No one raised their hands. "Alright then, let's kill him before S-Michael makes some horrible flaw in his characterization, assuming he has any. Characterization, that is."
"One thing, though," Alex added quickly as Don James was drawing his weapon. "Jacob, I just want to say that skinwalkers are not Native American werewolves. They're more like witches, and generally have the ability to transform into several animals as well as fly and perform dark magic."
Don James shot Jacob, and then they set him on fire to be sure.
"Well, that happened," Kyo said.
"Indeed," Alex agreed. He grinned. "Now, it's time for what I've been waiting for."
"You should totally ask him out," Bella said.
"Yeah, you're a strong, independent woman. Ask him out."
"That was the most insincere thing I've ever heard in my entire life!" Alex shouted as he marched onto the beach.
"Who are you?" one of Bella's idiot classmates asked.
"Shut up!" Alex answered. "As for you, Bella Swan, your so-called criterion for being a so-called 'strong, independent woman' is absolute shit! Listen up, you empty, soulless creature: being a strong, independent woman means that your life does not revolve around men! Sure, you should want one in your life—unless you're a lesbian, and there's nothing wrong with that—but you should not fucking need one! Dark gods of necromancy, I wish anti-feminists would stop stealing feminist language, but I suppose expecting intellectual honesty from scum like you is a bit like expecting blood from a stone."
"Right, then—" Hiroshi started.
"You disgust me," Alex continued right along. "It's not the fact that you're a Mary Sue that I hate—after all, there are good Sues out there: James Bond, Anita Blake, Dirk Pitt, Merry Gentry, and Victor Cachat, to name a few. No, what I hate is that you completely fail at having any sort of character at all. When you try and be independent, you look whiney, and when you try to be strong, you look like a spoiled brat. Which makes sense, considering that neither you nor your author would know what a strong, independent woman looks like if one walked up and backhanded you upside the face!"
"So you're saying I shouldn't ask him out?" the girl Bella was talking to asked.
"Nobody's talking to you or the rest of your pack of idiots! But that's not what I'm saying—taking the initiative is good, it's just not enough." Alex continued to Bella: "Do you have any dreams after college? I'd bet my soul you don't—and being a necromancer means that I do have the ability to literally bet my soul on things. No, you spend the entire story being controlled by Edward the sparkle fairy, a freak who is quite literally lusting after your blood." He snorted: "So much for being a 'strong, independent woman.'"
"Hey, Alex!" Don James broke in. "Hate to break up your tract there, but we'd better go. Doesn't this land belong to Jacob's pack or something?"
"I sent James to dispatch them all," Alex said. "From what I hear, the world is probably better off without that kind of werewolf, anyway. But yeah, you're probably right. Hiroshi, take Bella, Don, kill the rest."
"You want me to shoot a bunch of kids in cold blood?" Don James demanded, horrified. "Also, I told you, it's Don James."
They stared each other down for a moment. Alex had forgotten that Donald was eighteen, and considered himself to be an adult. "Well, I suppose that it'll be alright to let them live, given that they're basically glorified extras and have no real impact on anything that happens in this world. Besides, someone's got to tell Edward what happened."
"—Now, I remember that I said that Sues don't bother me," Alex was saying several hours later, "but seriously, 'Bella Swan'? Beautiful swan? Seriously, that has got to be the single most Sue-like name I've ever heard in my life…."
"So, think this will work?" Don James asked Kyo.
"Yes," Kyo said. "By kidnapping Bella, we cast ourselves in the roles of villains. Edward, being the 'hero,' will come to rescue her."
"…While we're on the topic of your being a Sue, everyone likes you for no apparent reason. Sure, the vamps can be sort of explained by you being Supernaturally Delicious and Nutritious, but what of the humans? Hmm? Any ideas as to why a random, pale, emotionless girl who has less fashion sense than me would be immediately latched onto by the coolest kids in school the second she moves in?..."
"You know, I haven't gotten to do anything yet," Kyo said.
"Well, you're a sorcerer, and we don't even know if demons exist in the Twilight universe, or how amicable they are to control," Don James said. "Without a badass monster to do your bidding, you're pretty much just a normal kid."
"We can figure something out—in Ties that Bind, combining rules-lawyering with translation convention allowed me to control youkai," Kyo said. "I just want to be useful."
"…Furthermore, we're to believe that this whole story took place in less than two months? It must have, because they said prom was two months away at the beginning of the movie and you two were at it at the end. Including the whole period where Edward was ignoring you for several weeks. I'd say 'what are you, lesbians?' but I've never met a single lesbian who has ever done anything to me that was so horrible that she deserves to be compared to you and Edward in any way…"
"Sorry, but I think you're going to have to sit this one out," Don James said.
The warehouse door opened, and Hiroshi entered the dimly-lit space. "Edward is on his way. Or he'd better be, I only rubbed Bella's scent on every flat surface I could find from here to the high school."
"Edward is apparently faster than James was, so be careful," Don James said.
Hiroshi snorted. "I was disemboweling vam—er, chiropterans—before the American Revolution, so don't teach your grandmother to suck eggs, okay, sonny?"
"Just saying," Don James protested.
"…Also, this one is more directed at Stephanie Meyer than you, but the fuck was with that gang of what I assume we are supposed to believe are would-be rapists? Like a gang a dozen strong would be able to walk the street of a town of about a thousand people without anyone the wiser? Just attacking whatever stray girl happens to fall into their lap? That is patently ridiculous—also, they should have been afraid of Edward; sure, they didn't know he was a vampire, but he had a car! He could have run them over. Do you know what they call mowing down a rapist where I come from? Ten points; with that flock, Ed could easily have put himself into the game.
"Back to you, though, that whole rant reminds me, after that whole attempted rape thing, you refused mace! Just…what…the…?" Alex started to hyperventilate.
"Breathe, man," Don James said. "Breathe. It's no use getting all worked up over a stupid Sue."
"By the way, I killed those kids from before," Hiroshi whispered to Kyo.
"Why?" Kyo demanded.
"Eh, better safe than sorry," Hiroshi said.
"You amoral bastard," Kyo grinned.
"So's your girlfriend, but I don't see you complaining."
Suddenly, Edward busted the door down. "Let Bella go. Now," he said menacingly.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the hero," Alex said. "Well, for a given value of hero. I mean, say what you will about Dracula, at least he never pursued a relationship with a minor. I mean, hell, man, you're over a century old and she's still in high school. For the first time, unlike you, you creepy son of a bitch.
"There is no possible legitimate reason for you Cullens to be in high school. Why can't your 'father' home school you so you can do awesome vampire stuff all the time?" Hiroshi opened his mouth to speak, but Alex cut him off. "Yes, I know—sparkle fairies, not vampires. Just…I'm doing a rant here, okay?
"As I was saying, why can't your 'father' home school you so you can do awesome vampire stuff all the time? Why can't you say you're a little older than you 'are' and go to college? You wouldn't have to move around as much as you do, as no one has ever questioned people staying at college for five or ten years at a time. It sounds like a setup for predatory behavior to me."
Hiroshi and Edward were circling each other. "While we're on the subject of—hey!" Edward took advantage of Hiroshi's talking to run past him at Alex.
Alex snapped his fingers, and James rose from where he was buried and grabbed Edward around the waist. He'd acquired wounds during his extermination of the werewolves, and Edward was punching him furiously in the head, but James felt nothing, holding in with single-minded determination while Hiroshi shot web from his fingertips, binding Edward in a cocoon even a sparkle fairy couldn't break out of.
"As I was saying, while we're on the subject of things about you sparkle fairies that don't make sense, it appears that the only thing in this world that can kill one 'vampire' is another 'vampire', so why the hell have you been hiding? Sure, modern weaponry is scary, but what about two hundred years ago? For thousands of years, you've been completely impervious to anything humanity had to offer, so why the hell would you have hidden from them?"
"Why did you?" Kyo asked Hiroshi.
"We weren't so much hiding as nearly extinct by the time the age of reason came around due to our species' stupid Darwin-defying ecology," Hiroshi said defiantly. "Hey, we may not make a lick of scientific sense, but our universe is internally consistent, which is more than I can say about this stupid Twilight universe."
Alex cleared his throat. "As I was saying, you, Edward Cullen, are a freaking creep. Attending high school, pursuing a romantic relationship with a minor—which I happen to know is thought of as akin to pedophilia in the vampire community—"
"There are vampires in the Danny Phantom universe?" Kyo asked.
Alex sighed. "There would have been vampires in Necromancy II if S-Michael had ever written it, which would also have explained why Clockwork showed up at the end to save Danny from me, making the ending much less of a deus ex machina, but he didn't because he's a lazy, forgetful bastard prone to writer's block. Anyway, can I get back to this?
"Fraudulently attending high school, pursuing a relationship with a minor, watching her sleep at night! Creep. Creep. Creep! This is not romance. This is fucking disgusting! You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Your glamorization of a codependent, toxic relationship encourages sex role conformity, which is bad enough by itself, but you know how many neuroses are caused by gender roles? All of them!"
"Is that last bit true?" Kyo asked quietly.
"Dunno, don' care," Hiroshi whispered.
"More specifically than the general, ominous, and insidious evil that is gender roles, your relationship encourages the horrible, horrible 'I can change him,' mentality. No, Bella, you can't change Edward; he's a creep, a freak, and a manipulative, controlling bastard, and he will never, ever change. You two exemplify everything that is wrong with relationships, America, and the world."
"Okay, now that bit is just a tad hyperbolic," Don James muttered.
"Hey, you mind? I'm talking here."
"I have one question," Edward said. He nodded at James. "I should have known he was there from his thoughts—how come I can't read his mind."
Alex snorted. "Please, DJ here blew his brains out, like, within a half hour of our arrival here, and now he's basically a zombie. My zombie."
"Are you going to kill us?" Bella asked.
"You know, if you were to put tremble of fear into your voice instead of being all deadpan, it might actually sound like you care one way or the other," Don James observed.
"A-Are you going to kill us?" Bella tried again.
"Better," Don James said.
"We need to elect a spokesperson or a leader or something—having everyone talk at once is just ridiculous," Alex muttered aloud. "Well, we're running out of time, so bye. Before we go, though, I need you to know something: I usually don't care about Sues. I'm usually the guy in the back of the group making smart-allecky comments and hitting on anything with two X chromosomes to rub together and is even remotely badass, but not this time, because that's just how much you piss me off. And with that, we're leaving." The four OCs walked out of the warehouse.
"Hey, Kyo, you wanted to do something, right? How about you hit the detonator," Don James handed him the remote control.
Kyo sighed. "I don't need your charity," but he pressed the button anyway, and the warehouse blew up behind them. "You know, this story would have been better with an epic battle at the end."
"Yeah, well, I took up too much time channeling the Author Tract, sorry," Alex said.
"It's for the best—I'm just glad I'm not dead," Don James said. They stopped looking at the fire to stare at him. "Okay, look, it's like this: Once upon a time, S-Michael wanted to kill a Sue, but hadn't realized at the time that Sue Hunters existed, so he created me, inserted me into an active story, played the trope deathly straight for one chapter, and then killed me off. Later, he brought me back in the metafictional The Great Mary Sue Hunt to be revealed to be the Stu in Hunter's clothing (though it was spoiled because S-Michael really, truly sucks at summs) and I died again. I was worried that there was a pattern forming."
"Eh, I wouldn't worry about it—Suedom is more about character portrayal than anything else, and Alex was carrying this story with his anti-Twilight crusade," Kyo said. "If there's one thing I learned from reading fan fiction at the computer lab of the mental hospital I was incarcerated in for years, it's that Sues are always the center of attention, and you really haven't been. You're more like Wiglaf from Wiglaf and Mordred; the fact that you're awesome at everything you do is more a running gag than anything else."
"Hmm, I guess I should relax," Don James said. Suddenly, Edward launched out of the fire and ripped his head off.
"Son of a bitch!" Kyo shouted as Hiroshi punched Edward in the gut, causing him to fly through a nearby wall, and then gave chase. Then: "See? How can someone be a Gary Stu and a Butt Monkey at the same time?"
Meanwhile, Hiroshi and James were in the warehouse, searching for Edward. "Where are you, sparkle fairy? Are you mad because you don't sparkle any more?"
"You killed the woman I love!" came Edward's voice. "You Sue Hunters sure do like your moral high horse, but—"
"I'm going to stop you there," Hiroshi said. "See, it's those other guys who care about morals. Kyo is an antihero, Alex is an antivillain, and they want to do the right thing, but me? I'm in it for number one, so save your 'what right have you to hunt me when you're just like me?' speech for someone who cares. Now, then, I'm about to go Buffy on your ass."
A box flew out of nowhere and knocked Hiroshi to the ground. He jumped to his feet and then sprang at the location the box came from, but Edward was long gone. "You can't defeat me. I've got superior speed, even for a vampire, and the ability to read minds. Put two and two together, and I always know what you're going to do just as soon as you do and always have the speed to do something about it."
"Huh. Why didn't you cakewalk James in the movie, then?" Hiroshi demanded.
"For some reason, it never occurred to me to use my powers in conjunction before, but now it seems obvious."
"Alex says, 'Because S-Michael is smart enough to take Edward's powers to their logical conclusion, when Stephanie Meyer wasn't,'" James said.
"I don't suppose he can be convinced to bring his intellect back down to canon?"
"'S-Michael was never good at contrived stupidity,'" James said.
"Well, that's just peachy." Suddenly, a box above them emptied its cargo of spears on them. "Oh, come on!" Hiroshi said, impaled. "Who keeps a bunch of medieval weapons in a warehouse? It doesn't even make any sense!" He was doing something with his hands while he talked.
"Are you alright?" James asked.
"Yeah, don't worry—it's not the first time I've ever been impaled, you know." Then he cut the spears with a sword he'd formed of his own silk.
"Since when can you do that?"
"I've never needed to do it before, but it's a perfectly logical continuation of my established powers." Hiroshi cleared his throat. "C'mon, Edward. Come out and, what do you people say? Fight like a man!"
"You fight like a little girl," Edward called from the darkness.
Hiroshi grinned, revealing fangs that literally weren't there a moment before. "You know, the two best fighters in Blood+ both happen to be little girls. Though it's typical that you'd go the 'I'm more of a man than you' route. People with small penises generally do."
More boxes were thrown, and Hiroshi slung web at the spaces. "This is getting old. I'm getting a truck. James, make sure he doesn't escape."
Hiroshi left, and Edward circled in the darkness. James. He couldn't read James because these OCs had lobotomized him, and that made him the weak link. Without their wildcard and their Gary Stu, they'd be defenseless against him. He'd kill them, and then find his way into their metafictional home. He'd visit this Browne person they saw in their minds, maybe even S-Michael, and from there, everyone on the internet who had ever said anything bad about Twilight, ever.
Edward snapped himself out of it; he had to get out of here, first. He charged at James, tackling him like a linebacker. Wait, what was James wearing under his jacket? And what was that sound? Edward had enough time to look at James' hand and see a detonator before the world disappeared.
Meanwhile, outside, Hiroshi stared at the two burning warehouses. "What. The. Fuck?"
"James was wearing a suicide bomber vest," Alex said. "My little ace in the hole."
"Where did you get a—?"
"Well, we'd best go make sure Bella's really dead," Kyo said. They walked into the smoldering ruins of the first warehouse, and found Bella's charred body.
"She's not dead," Alex said.
"How do you figure that?" Kyo demanded, then jumped as Bella opened her eyes.
"A necromancer always knows," Alex said.
"Don't you care that your friend just died?" Bella rasped.
"Nah—Donnie dies once an episode. He's like Kenny," Hiroshi said. "Any last words?"
"Yes, actually," Bella croaked. "What do you imagine that you've accomplished here? Sure, I'm dead, Edward's dead, everyone's dead, but this is just a fanfic. Twilight is a worldwide phenomenon, and this little fic won't even cause a hiccup in Stephanie Meyers' plot to corrupt an entire generation of American youth. You can't do anything about it. You're nothing but ones and zeroes on the internet and figments of S-Michael's imagination."
Alex shrugged. "Maybe you're right. Maybe a fictional character is only as powerful as the number of minds he or she touches. And maybe it's foolish for me to try to stop Stephanie Meyers' evil Mormon plot to destroy America. Maybe I am impotent and powerless before her. I don't know. All I know is, it sure felt sweet to kick your ass." He nodded, and Hiroshi cut off her head.