DISCLAIMER: I don't own IT Crowd. D:

A/N: This is my first IT Crowd story so go easy on me.

SUMMARY: Jeremy Kyle, Come Dine with me, the IT Crew are all over the schedules. Each chapter is a different show. Enjoy!

TITLE: Television


The Crack Canoodler

"Can't you just let it lie? You already sued him and got £500. I don't get what your problem is." Jen sighed and closed the laptop lid.

"No Jen I cannot. I want everyone to know that derriere dimwit is a menace and I won't rest until those bottom kissing lips are behind bars Jen, I won't." Jen rolled her eyes and nodded. "I am taking this further in fact I'm gonna text in now."

"Oh come on, you don't know how to text." Roy pouted in a child-like demeanour and picked up his phone.

"Moss! Moss! How do you text?" Moss emerged from the hallway and sighed. What man in his thirties didn't know how to text?

"You press this button, then this button, then type your message." Roy smiled and thanked his friend. "Who are you texting anyway?"

"The Jeremy Kyle Show." Moss's eyes widened in amazement.

"What? I love that show. I watch it every morning with my mother." Jen stared at him, her eyes conveying confusion and sorrow for her friend.

"Really?" She muttered, Moss placing his body in a very girly pose.

"It's only the best show on television." He grinned and pulled out his can of water. "I think I'm getting a hot ear from all this excitement."

"Well we wouldn't want that now would we?" Roy asked and began to text.

Two Weeks Later

"It's on mum! It's on, Roy's on the television!" Moss placed his Smarties cereal on his lap and sighed happily.

"Next on the show is Roy Trenneman. He kissed my bottom then left me. Now Roy, what happened?" A clearly upset Roy began to tell his story.

"Well I was enjoying a very relaxing massage when he just lent down and kissed me. I didn't see it coming. I took him to court, got £500 and now I want the world to know." Jeremy's face was a picture of shock, horror and confusion.

"I see. When was it that this happened?"

"A few months back. I then saw him at Sea Parks where he blew me a kiss and gave me a rather seductive smile." Jeremy sighed and looked at his camera crew who shrugged.

"Well let's get him out then. Please welcome on to the show, the masseuse." The crowd clapped as Roy stood up and pointed to an old lady.

"Do not clap this crack canoodler, this arse fondler! He is not one to be clapped for and I will not rest until those lips are behind bars! What society do we live in where man thinks they can just bend down and kiss their fellow men's bottoms out of the blue? Well? I am asking you, and you, and you old lady!" Roy ran over to the man and began to kick him.

"Security, security please." Jeremy shouted and pointed to Roy who had launched a surprise attack upon the man.

"Oh, oh no I'm sorry, no that's the wrong man. I thought you were the masseuse." Roy sighed and dropped his gaze.

"No, that's Steve the security man. Get him out now."

"But… oh… no I just want to work it out. I'm disabled!"

"You're clearly not." Jeremy sighed and closed the doors to the set.

The Next Day

"How did it go?" Moss asked and smirked.

"Quite well actually." Roy lied and picked up his can of Cuke.

A/N: If you don't get the Cuke at the end it's from the Friendface episode in series three. :D Alrighty, leave a review and I will smile the biggest smile humanly possible. :D xx