Alright, everyone. Here it is: a new story that will go by quickly. It will have twenty-two chapters in total, and there will not be a sequal. I already have every chapter except the last two written, so I'll upload the next one every day or so.

Another thing: I will not post a message like this at the top of any other chapter. From now on in this story, it'll go straight into the reading section.

One last thing: I KNOW THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN IN THE SHOW. It is meant to be funny and stupid and crack-ish, so no flames, yes? Obviously, it isn't realistic, so don't complain to me about that. If you don't like it, don't read it. Simple. Get it? Got it? Good. :D

Please read and review, my pretties, or the flying hamsters of doom shall come and rain coconuts on your pitiful cities! ^.^

"Hey, wait up!"

The fifteen shinobi gathered in the training grounds turned to watch — some of them in irritation — as the only missing member of the group dashed towards them, a scroll clutched tightly in her hand. Sakura sent them all a somewhat apologetic look, but she honestly looked as though she didn't give a shit. Tsunade cleared her throat loudly to get everyone's attention.

"Now that we're all here," she announced, shooting her apprentice a frown (seriously, Konoha did not need another lazy-ass like Kakashi), "we can begin".

The Godaime Hokage took a moment to gaze at all of the gathered Konoha-nin. Sakura, Naruto, Kakashi, Sai, Yamato, Team Asuma (without Asuma), Team Kurenai (without Kurenai), Team Gai (without Gai), and Shizune. (And herself, of course.) The woman nodded to herself. Yep. All accounted for.

She pulled out five scrolls — one similar to the ones everyone else carried, three with different coloring on the outside, and one large one.

"These," she growled, holding up the three and fixing Naruto with a blazing glare, "arrived this morning from the Kazekage and his siblings. Apparently, they want to send letters to Sasuke, too." her eyes narrowed further. "Now, I wonder how they could've found out about this."

Naruto grinned impish, scratching the back of his head with a nervous expression. "Eh heh heh..."

Tsunade sighed, brushing it off. "Anyways," she continued, "everyone have their scroll?"

They each held up a scroll with Sasuke's name printed on the outside.

Exactly a week previous, Tsunade had become fed up with the way Naruto and Kakashi (and technically Sakura, but her behavior was due to anger rather than sorrow) were taking their sweet-ass time to do everything, weighed down with their grief and guilt over Sasuke's betrayal. For Kami's sake, the stupid little troll had been gone for three years now! It was time to get the hell over him and get back to doing something useful! So, to fix this, she ordered all of the Konoha 12 — with Sai replacing Sasuke, of course — Kakashi, Yamato, and Shizune to write letters to him. They were to take out all of their frustrations toward him in their letters and get everything off their chests. Then, she was going to stick them all in a sealing scroll and chuck them as far as she could, effectively tossing their worries from the village.

Piece of cake.

She held up her own and the three from Suna.

"Good. Before we send them off, I need to make something clear to you all." She fixed each and every one of them with a stern look, making sure they knew that she was serious. "If there is anything in those letter that can be used against Konoha," she said, "tell me now."

Naruto frowned in confusion. "But, why, Baa-chan?" he asked loudly. "I thought you said Sasuke-teme was never gonna read these. You're gonna take 'em and throw 'em as far as you can, right? So what's the big deal?"

Tsunade frowned back at him. "He won't, and I am," she replied, steel in her tone. "But if an enemy of Konoha were to find these stuck up in a tree or something and there were Konoha secrets in them, we'd be in deep shit."

Shikamaru grunted, muttering something under his breath that sounded suspiciously similar to 'troublesome'. The Hokage shot him a 'one-word-from-you-and-you're-dead-kid' look.

"Alright, then," she declared, unraveling the giant scroll in her hands. "Bring me your letters to the little brat so we can get back to our lives."

One by one, the shinobi shuffled forward and handed over their scrolls. Tsunade completed a brief series of hand signs and her palms began to glow pale blue. Carefully, she pushed each letter to Sasuke into the giant scroll, a small string of kanji marking their presence within the sealing item. After imputing every scroll, including those from Suna and her own, she rolled up the enormous sealing scroll. The glow of chakra faded from her hands. The blond-haired woman flew through another series of jutsu signs, causing the sealing scroll to shrink to the size of a book. She gripped it tightly in her fist.

"Take a moment," Tsunade murmured evenly, "to reminisce in fond memories or whatever the hell else you have of the greedy little bastard, because as soon as these letters are gone, you will think of him no more. You will put him out of your mind and leave him behind and get on with your lives instead of moping around like brainless, useless idiots. Is that clear?"

They all nodded even though Naruto was the only one that 'moped around like a brainless, useless idiot' because, well...he was Naruto. A collective silence reigned for a few moment out of respect. Then, Tsunade spoke.


Each person delivered a firm nod. She returned the gesture. Then, with a determined crease in her brow, she reared back her arm and let loose. The scroll rocketed through the air and disappeared into the distance with lightning speed. Her honey-colored eyes tracked the sealing scroll until the last possible second. With a stony smile, Tsunade looked once again to her fellow shinobi. They wore expressions of varying relief and slight annoyance.

"There," she announced, appearing satisfied. "I've thrown your letters to Sasuke as far as I could; I've thrown all of your worries from the village."

Naruto managed a weak smile. Tsunade's face was gentle. Then:

"Alright, you slackers! What do you think this is — a field day? Get back to work!"

They scattered. Tsunade huffed to herself, hands on her hips. It was good to be Hokage.

She spared one last glance in the direction she had thrown the letters before beginning the long walk back to her office. Unbeknownst to everyone except Shizune and herself, Tsunade hadn't just thrown those letters in a random direction.

She had aimed them.

o o o O O O o o o

Orochimaru sat in the main room of his base in Otogakure, a sly smirk curling his lips as he conversed quietly with Sasuke, who stood by his right shoulder. The boy was apparently demanding to be taught a new jutsu.

He paused when a faint explosion-like noise sounded somewhere at the other end of the base, frowning to himself. He cut his gaze over to Sasuke. The Uchiha had stiffened, his head raised slightly, staring in the direction of the ruckus as though he could see through the walls if he tried hard enough. (Unfortunately for Sasuke, that was the Byakugan he was thinking of — not his Sharingan. Man, tough break.)

Orochimaru studied Sasuke intently from the corner of his eyes, lips pressed in a hard line. He knew that he was beginning to lose the boy; he'd seen it in the way he acted and spoke. In the past few weeks, Sasuke had been disregarding the sennin's orders more frequently (not that he had ever taken well to being ordered around). He had demanded sparring sessions nearly three times a day, and every time they fought, his attacks became fiercer and quicker. He had memorized Orochimaru's attack pattern, and he was able to predict what the man would do even before he moved — much like Sakura had during her fight with Akasuna no Sasori, but a: Sasuke didn't know about that, and b: it had only taken a few minutes for Sasuke to memorize her opponent's attack pattern.

Unbeknownst to Orochimaru, Sasuke sensed his heavy gaze. He knew the man suspected him of having something to with the disturbance. He knew the man didn't trust him.

And with good reason (even though he actually had nothing to do with whatever was happening).

The door was thrown open and Kabuto appeared, a deep grimace engraved into his expression. Orochimaru's sharp eyes zeroed in on the scroll clutched in his assistant's fist. The silver-haired man held it up for Orochimaru to take, absently adjusting his glasses.

"This was found lodged rather deeply into the southwest wall of the base," Kabuto reported as the Oto leader grabbed the scroll. "It has a Compact Jutsu cast over it to reduce its size. Due to this, I believe it's a sealing scroll."

Orochimaru studied every inch of the scroll carefully, eyebrows drawn together, expression stoic. He sensed traces of chakra within it, residue from the jutsu cast upon it. To his slight surprise, he recognized the chakra, but he couldn't quite grasp where from...

He brought his hands together into the seal of Tora, eliciting a shocked grunt from Kabuto.

"Orochimaru-sama, are you sure —"

Orochimaru silenced him with a glare and executed the jutsu. He, Kabuto, and Sasuke watched in a tense quietness as the scroll glowed and slowly increased in size. Once the aura of chakra disappeared, Orochimaru immediately unraveled it, becoming increasingly impatient. The scroll was filled with an intricate pattern of kanji, en empty circle composed of thick black ink displayed in the center.

Kabuto was correct, it seemed. It was a sealing scroll after all. But what the hell was it doing here? Or, rather, why the hell had it been lodged in the side of the southwest wall of

his base?

A messy scribble in the bottom left corner of the scroll caught Orochimaru's eyes, answering his question. The message didn't have a 'to:' or 'from:', but its sender and intended recipient were obvious.

The scrolls sealed in this are meant for the little brat, so give them to him.

An incredulous chuckle rumbled in Orochimaru's throat as he reread the note two or three times. Inconspicuously, he covered it with his thumb. Kabuto and Sasuke didn't notice. An amused smirk curved the corners of his lips.

What could you be up to, Tsunade-hime? he wondered, eyeing the scroll curiously. Very well, then. I'll play your little game.

Orochimaru bit his thumb and formed the necessary hand seals, to Kabuto's utter disbelief.

"Orochimaru-sama —"

The man's glower was quite a bit fiercer than before. "Silence, Kabuto."

The medic reluctantly did as he was told. Orochimaru placed his palm firmly against the black circle, not blinking when a string of kanji shot across the scroll. A large puff of white smoke erupted from the point of impact, taking a long moment to dissipate. When it finally cleared, a large pile of scrolls — message scrolls — was revealed. Three of them were colored differently.

Every single one had Sasuke's name printed on the outside.

Orochimaru couldn't resist an amused chuckle to himself. "Well, what do we have here?" he mused, seeming to thoroughly enjoy this. "It seems that your former friends in Konoha have a few things to say to you, Sasuke-kun." He glanced up at the black-haired shinobi slyly. "How about it, then? Care to see for yourself?"

Before Orochimaru could react, Sasuke had snatched the entire pile of scrolls — sealing scroll included — from him and was already halfway out into the hallway. The sennin smirked to himself, eyes tracking the boy. With this, he could officially test Sasuke's loyalty to him.