Disclaimer: The BBC owns pretty much everything in this story. Except the plot thing.
AN: Do not mess with RL. RL can kick you back hard. I know.
Three hours later, all Doctors were drinking away. They were sitting in a line on a step of a stairway in Professor Song's university, sharing a bottle of something harsh, manly and with so many degrees that if it were water it would be nearing boiling point.
Their various companions were scattered around the rest of the stairway. Sherlock and John were leaning against the wall on the superior floor.
"We're all..." Donna's Doctor said.
"...doomed," Amy's Doctor finished.
"She won't stop," Rose's Doctor pointed out.
"Ever," the three said in unison.
"That is so disturbing," Amy told Donna and Rory. Then she took a deep breath and, considering that she was the one useful person around here, sans River, who was busy hiding all remaining alcohol, said: "Let's go through all that again." Everybody sighed. However, there was no doubt in anybody's head that what had occurred had been too quick and too traumatizing to really experience as it happened, never mind understand it. So, they would try to piece together 10 minutes of interaction in probably a lot longer than that.
"The Doctor is drinking," Donna huffed.
"Technically, the Doctor are drinking," Rose said.
"That doesn't make sense grammatically," Rory intervened.
Amy glared at all of them, then pushed herself into the approximate middle of the crowd. She decided that if nobody else was going to hold an impressive speech to drag them out of this sulky mood, she would have to be the one to do it. "Grammar doesn't matter! The universe is about to end! Again. So. What do we know? That the Doctor is at his 11th regeneration."
The two Doctors who had just said that looked at each other, then reached simultaneously for the bottle, which happened to be in the third's hand. He let it go, not caring who was getting it, and groaned.
"But," Amy said. "He's going to regenerate more than the usual times, because of that thingy with the genetics and the orange."
"Phlebotinum Excessus," Rose said, nodded. "I remembered that. And there was something about anchovies and apricots, too. Or was that 'Angeli sent Argonauts?'"
"That's not..." her Doctor began, but then looked around and decided it would be wise, very wise, to shut up. There was a time and place for explaining the subtle nature of the universe to his companions. This was not it. "Yeah. Phlebotinum it was."
"But the Professor doesn't know that he'll live on a lot longer than he's supposed to," Amy continued. "Which is why she's off to stop the Time War. So she can find you a wife. Right?"
"Oh, I hadn't gotten that part," Donna said. She suddenly grinned. "I'd understood that she wanted to find him his poodle, it didn't make much sense... Is that why Professor River ran off?"
"Yeah, is she in love with the Doctor, or something?" Rose asked, disturbed.
"River Song is probably the Doctor's future wife," Amy explained.
The Doctor(s) and Rose groaned. She went to join them in their drinking. "What I don't understand," Rose said to her Doctor, "is why I'm not with you anymore. Why they are."
"Rose, I..." he tried to answer, then looked around, realizing he didn't have a clue why she wasn't traveling around with him anymore.
"You're... it became impossible to travel together," Donna's Doctor said, gloomily. "It couldn't work. So we stopped it."
Rose gave him a kicked puppy look. Her Doctor looked at his next regeneration over her shoulder, with a look of horror. The older version of himself saw that gaze and added, "but you live happily ever after now. I think. You had... well, you had a man who loved you at your side, the last time I checked."
Off in the non-mushy land, Rory and Donna were debating the problem of that thing said about Daleks and crickets, which was still a mystery to them both. Amy concluded that it was probably unimportant and that it might have been one of the surprisingly numerous references to old school days that one can make in three minutes flat when arguing through three of himself against an old Professor. ("So that's why detention was mentioned!" Donna had said, nodding)
"Rickey?" Rose's Doctor asked, frowning. "She went off with him?" He made it sound as if it were the last thing any woman could ever possibly want.
"Mickey," Rose corrected. "He's not that bad."
"No, not him. Somebody else. It's hard to explain who, but you'll find out at the moment."
"And everything will work out perfectly," the oldest Doctor said, ruffling her hair. "There you go, Rose! You're gonna be great, I promise."
"Can we get back to the problem now?" Amy asked, rolling her eyes at the display, after getting rid of the schooldays reference. "So, the Professor's attempt to stop the Time War is going to destroy the Universe because..."
"Something about space-time continuum," Donna said.
"The Time-Bubble?" Rory asked. "That bubble bath thing..."
"Time-Lock," his Doctor corrected him. "Forget about the bubble bath. You really don't need to know about the bubble bath." He looked depressed.
"Well, break that Time-Lock and boom, right?" Rory said. "We all explode or something."
"The war spreads across time and space and the evil Time Lords conquer the world," the oldest Doctor said. His shoulders were slumped. "You don't want to bring back both the Daleks and the Time Lords of the last days." He grabbed for the bottle and took another gulp of whatever it was.
Everybody stared at him. "The evil Time Lords conquer the world?" his youngest version asked sarcastically. "I need another drink..."
"There's no point in beating around the bush," the oldest him replied. "You'll learn that when you're older."
"You think that's clever," the youngest Doctor retorted. "When you're older? Well..."
"Sincerely, just remember the ducks!" the medium-aged one interfered, shaking a fist. "It was the ducks!"
"Boys!" Amy said. "So. Let's get back on track here!"
"Yeah, what was that about the chandeliers and oranges?" Rory asked. "And genetics?" He was ignored.
"So we have to stop her," Donna said. "We don't want the Universe to be destroyed."
"Or a wife," the Doctor(s) plus Rose said.
"Let's go after her, then," Rory said. "Why are you guys... you guy... you guy and girl... people... drinking?"
"That was the Professor," Donna's Doctor said. "Look, you've never met her before, so you don't understand. That's the Professor. That's my old teacher. She's strong, she's willful and, as much as I hate to admit it, she's more clever than I. She can fly a TARDIS like nobody I've ever met before, she can travel between alternate universes like nobody I've ever met before and, all in all, she's pretty much unstoppable." He grabbed the bottle and tried to get up, only to stumble and have to stop his fall with his hand on a higher footstep. "I..."
"You're drunk," Rose noticed.
"What? Just from that?" Rory marveled.
"I don't usually drink," the youngest Doctor said, looking at his older self attempting to gain balance. "Oh, dear, I'm such a klutz."
"She was right when she said I'm more trouble than I'm worth," Amy's Doctor said, letting his head fall on his knees.
"I am not!" the Doctor who had just managed to stand upright cried. "I am not trouble! I am an absolute-"
"Bastard!" his younger self interjected.
"And you're a fiery drunk," Amy noticed. "Hey, what's the youngest of you then?"
"I'm fine. Unlike these idiots."
"Oh, joy, a sarcastic one," Sherlock intervened. "Well, Watson, it would appear that my faculties as a detective are of no use here."
"But the world's about to be destroyed," his friend protested. "We can't go away now!"
"And indeed we shan't. I was simply saying that in this capacity, I will have to admit to be out of my league. However, there is something that the... triple incompetence of the Doctor is forcing me to reveal."
"I'm not incompetent!" the Combative!Doctor cried. "I can do... things. Maths. Stuff."
"We need a Time Lord," Sherlock pointed out. "And the usual savior of mankind is useless. Hence, a new one must be obtained."
"What?" The Doctor(s) said, blinking at him.
"I did not wish to do it, but you're forcing my hand," the detective said, pulling out a pocketwatch and opening it. "I thus return."
All present watched in amazement how golden dust seemed to flow out of the object and into Sherlock. His eyes widened, the irises sparkled with power and then... well, then it was over. All in all, it wasn't as amazing as it had promised to be initially.
"Hello, old nemesis of mine," Sherlock said, evidently feeling the need to announce what the change was in some way or another.
"Master!" the drunk, Combative!Doctor gasped.
"You know," Amy said, "I have no idea what just happened, but the way the Doctor said that sounded so sexy."
AN: Does this work? O_o *feels a bit weird writing all these characters together at a single time* So messy...