Welcome, welcome, one and all to my first story on this site! I am known to my peers as the Magnificent Sasquatch, and I have been considered a fairly competent writer. The Touhou series has always been a fun one to work with in my private practice drabbles, and eventually decided to throw caution, monotony, and sanity all to the wind, and see if I can't make a fictional work of the fan-made persuasion. Fanfiction, if you will! This tale I classify as a semi-self-insert. It is a character based on myself, but not myself-rather, the kind of fellow I wish I could be. Self-insert, but not entirely! Huzzah. Now comes the difficult task. Can I avoid this fellow becoming a total Marty Stu? Can I keep things interesting? Can I keep them of a comfortable length per chapter? This is what I shall undertake, dear readers: a challenge among challenges!


Oh, who am I fooling? I just want to have fun with this! Love it or hate it, let the story begin!

Ch. 1: One Missed-Er, Four Missed Calls

"What the hell is going on here?" I shout to nobody in particular as I find myself running through a dense forest. Ah, today just had not been going my way. Honestly, I believe I've either gone batshit, or the realm of possibility had been struck by a disgruntled force of nature. With a big mallet. Whatever the case, I was in America yesterday, okay? The freaking United States. Arizona, to be precise. Nowhere near a natural lake, or a forest, or, from what I've gathered, rural Japan. Now, this would be a perfect moment to pull out "what is this, I don't even", but no. No, I'm far too busy fleeing to bring up a tired meme at the moment. But in any case, I need to keep focus, or this angry-looking Asian lady will smash me. I better recap a little more thoroughly, just to ensure that if I let myself be smashified, I'll indeed go splat rather than wake up in my bed.

Randa-comma-Ryan would be my name. I'm a fellow at the ripe age of 18. I work at a food joint in southern Tucson in Arizona called "Eegee's", and have a rather small apartment that the previous owner really didn't keep well. My wage is fair, the bills get paid, I get enough free time, and life is good. Except I've no love life. Haven't had one, still a virgin and gonna be for likely a good time coming. …Why didn't I want to get knocked off by this chick again…? Ahem. Yeah, and I haven't exactly kept contact with my family, either. If anyone asks, it's because I like my privacy, and I'm too busy planning for college. In reality, it's because I'm a lazy, lazy shut-in whose life consists in a continuous eat-work-game-sleep cycle. But hey, it's a living. I'm not exactly out-of-shape, mind you. Okay, no six pack, not even close, and I'm not exactly a quick fella. Luckily, my daddy wanted me to grow up in football, and pops always got what he wanted, so I developed a pretty nice upper body build and stamina. Not QB material, but great for defense. Anyways, enough about that. So, last week I got this trippy text on my phone telling me to go somewhere after I got off work. Thing is, I didn't know this person, so I replied "wrong number". The response?

"I don't think so. And do ask Mr. Furginson to let you off on an extended vacation, will you? You'll need it."

I didn't reply. This person somehow knew my boss's name, and apparently where I worked, so for the next few days, I kept my grandad's trusty handgun at my bedside just in case. Two days later, a new text.

"Was waiting. Where were you?"

I was moreso creeped at this point, so I sent a message essentially saying "back off, or I'll have this number traced". There was silence for the next three days, so I figured that had done it. But that was only for those three days. Thursday night, a new message telling me to look out my window. I humored it and opened the blinds.

I now wished I'd told them to piss off. Actually, not "them", more of a "her" I think.

A good three stories above ground, above the small home across the street, there was a woman in oddly festive attire -an entirely poofy purple dress- sitting on nothing. Floating. Despite the distance, she was looking me directly in the eyes. Huh. Is yellow a new color contact lens or some such? I promptly shut the blinds and made a mental note to seek out a psychiatrist. The next day, the following night, I was extremely tired from not sleeping at all the evening prior. Yeah, fearing for your life kinda does that. My phone buzzed on the couch. I ignored it and went to my room. I didn't even care to see what the likely imaginary floating lady had to say. I turned to my dresser after locking the door. My phone was there, flipped open for me to read.

"No longer your choice. It's time you came to see me."

I was too stunned for words, and too stunned to react when my arms were grabbed and I was yanked backwards with an unearthly force. I went back, back, back, kind of falling, kind of flying, through a violet vortex with golden…I want to say "eyes", everywhere, blinking at me. I could see my room in the distance, a tear in the void, as two red ribbons at the top and bottom, respectively, tied it shut. Unable to take so much crazy, I blacked out.

Now, I could have gone over every little detail, like what I ate on those days, how I spent that night where I didn't sleep, but who honestly cares? I sure as hell don't, because here's where things got really…"interesting".

When I regained consciousness, I woke up with a start and turned to my side, tumbling down a slight slope into positively freezing water. Like any sane person, I yelped far too loudly and made a spectacle of myself leaping out of the frigid conditions and wringing out my shirt. Looking towards the cause of my discomfort, I found myself staring out over a lake of considerable size. First priority would have been "good gravy-bo-bavy, what be this?", but…it was such a beauteous sight…all shiny, sparkling with the rays of the sun…I found myself tempted to go swimming. Alas, it could not be, for common sense reared his ugly head and demanded I search out some form of civilization. (I don't like him much, he never lets me have any fun.) It took approximately, oh, five seconds before I noticed the crimson mansion looming over where I'd been sleeping before in the opposite direction. Well, it was a start. Tallyho!

As I walked up to the elegant building, my clothes a bit dried out thanks to the marvels of sunlight, I noticed something a bit odd. Had to squint to see a bit better, but ah, there it was! A girl with hair an interesting shade of red and clad in a green guard's suit was sleeping outside the gate! Hum. Interesting choice for a guard. Looked no older than myself, A little younger, actually. She seemed so peaceful, but if I wanted proper clearance…

"Hello?" I called in a moderate tone of voice. "Excuse me, miss?" Louder this time. No response either times. Shrugging, I walked past her, but not before taking in her features a moment. Huh, what a pretty face! That lifted my spirits a bit. And then, an annoying buzzing! Oh, I've always hated you, bees, but never as much as I was about to. The blasted thing flew right up in my face, almost as if begging, "Please sock me!", so…I did. After being met with the back of my hand, the little devil seemed far less amused than before, and in a kamikaze rage-quit, the thing stung what it was standing on at the time.

The guard girl's shoulder. Oh, goody.

"Eiiyee!" Her eyes snapped open and she leapt to her feet with a startled shriek. O loathsome bees, how whatever god there is could allow you to sting such a nice looking lassie is beyond-


-ME! Christ, I couldn't breathe! For being a bit dainty looking, she had the grip of a trash compactor! On my throat, no less!

"Have you no honor? Striking someone when she's resting her eyes, for shame!" Again, despite appearance, her voice had a nicely commanding edge to it. Maybe being a guard was appropriate for her.

"I didn't…it wasn't…!" I furiously try to choke a response before deciding screw it, and pointed to her shoulder whilst shouting, "BEE!" Looking to her shoulder, the girl finally saw the culprit to her mild discomfort and let go in order to brush it off. I've never appreciated breathable oxygen more in all my life. Let's hope I never have to again.

"Ah, my mistake." She muttered sheepishly, before clearing her throat and reassuming an imposing position. "A-Anyway! What business do you have with the lady of the mansion?"

"I, er-"

"Is there some manner of incident?"

"What's a-"

"Have you come looking for work?"

"Well, I-"

"Aha! You must intend to cause trouble to the mistress! Such a suspicious looking person…well, I won't have it!" She declared a little too proudly, fists at her hips. Are you trying to cause a scene so you'll look good, or what?

"Would you stop a second and let me respond?" I shouted, fed up with the interruptions. Geez, such a presumptuous guard, this is! She placed her fists on her hips and tapped her foot impatiently. Gah, the oxygen starvation, the irritation, think man! Why are you here again? A light bulb goes off in my mind. I opened my mouth to speak.

"At any rate, it doesn't matter. Lady Remilia isn't taking any visitors at the moment, especially a funny-looking human. Now, please leave at once." Agh! You say please, but your tone suggests a far less pleasant intention! And whaddaya mean, "human"?

"What do you mean 'human'!" I asked, echoing my thoughts moments before. "How rude can you be? I've half a mind to go in there anyway and tell this 'Remilia' how rude her China-girl gate guard is being!" I shouted, folding my arms over my chest. There is a sudden silence. She stares in shock. Ah, have I motivated an attitude adjustment? Sadly, I did not, for the shock soon turned to murderous outrage.

"W-WHAT…did you call me?" She spoke in a harsh whisper. Say, did she have glowing eyes before? "You said…Ch-China?" Her voice raised. Erm, I'm pretty sure you oughta have those teeth looked at, they look like…f-fangs!

Ah…I think I'm in trouble.

"HOW DARE YOU!"Yipes! She launched a fierce roundhouse that I jumped back to avoid, and takes out a chunk of the freaking brick wall!What the hell was that? "Who told you that name! Kirisame! Did the ice fairy put you up to this!" She raised her first and swung downward at me, missing and creating a massive crack in the ground at the same time! She didn't even bruise a knuckle! "Tell me now!"

ZOINKS! Like, run for it, Scoob! With that random yet fitting trail of thought, I took to my heels and sped off in the opposite direction. Like hell I was gonna talk to this death machine!

And that leads us to here, where I'm still running like mad and she's just mad in general. In both senses. Angry and crazy.

"Goddamnit, stop chasing me!" I shout over my shoulder. "For Christ's sakes, I don't even know a Kirisame, what the hell's an ice fairy, ghosts aren't real and how could I be working for a crow tengu?" I demand, counting off her logic-deprived accusations what happened during this chase. Christ on a motorbike, three of those are bloody mythical! Well, no, she's got fangs and is flying…nope, I'm not conceding it!

"Don't lie to meeeee~!" She shouts, not as angry as before but still pretty peeved. "All the humans who can fight seem to know each other!"

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M ANY GOOD AT FIGHTING!" I scream. I must sound so obnoxious, but seriously, what the hell, lady?

"Why else would you have that big sword?" She growls, swinging at me and missing again, gaining me about a four meter advantage as she loses speed a moment. Wait. Sword, what? I feel around my back and grasp a solid object. Feels like a handle. Sure enough, I've had this ache in my back since waking up…I though it was from the ground, but I was sleeping on a sword? Gah, this is still too nuts for me to believe! And she's regaining speed! This has to end soon, my legs feel like rubber at this point. I have to look for a clear path…ah, this forest is too thick! If only there was a nice way to squeeze between these trees, I'd be outta here like that. Hm? What's that up ahead? They look like flying…

Sutras? Amulets? Ofuda? Whatever those card-things are called. And they're flying this way. Pretty quickly, too. I don't wanna get a paper cut, so…

"Oi, you! Duck those, already!" A feminine voice rings out.

Way ahead of you, mystery lady! Switching my weight to my back, I begin to slide feet first through the grass, while the cards fly past me and into my assailant's face. They pop in a multitude of colors that seems to do hefty damage to guard-girl, who covers her face in pain, and…will she?


Yes! A glorious faceplant into an unfortunate tree! Ah, thing of beauty, that was. My slide skids to a halt, and I look up to see yet another pretty face meeting my gaze. This time however, it's not nearly as violent! More like annoyance with a touch of concern. Hey, you take what you can get. She lowers a hand to help me up, which I graciously take. She hefts me up pretty easily, considering the size difference…though doesn't seem evil-powerful like the last one. She's dressed in a traditional-looking garb with a red and white motif bearing detached sleeves. With a gohei in her other hand, I can assume she's a miko of some sort. (Being a video game dork typically results in gaining some knowledge of Japanese culture through fandom. I gained mine from playing Okami! Wonderful game, that. Ah, but not now.) The ribbon in her hair completes the look, and it takes my attention away from her awkwardly exposed armpits.

"You alright? Did she damage you too much?" She asks, her voice a little more monotone than I would've liked, but whatever.

"She didn't touch me. Thank god for it, or I'd be perfectly flat right about now. Thanks for the save!" I offer my hand to be shaken which she just glances at curiously, as if this was a totally foreign concept. I pull my hand back, placing them both in my pockets. "Er, right, so…yeah."

"Your apparel, it is a bit unusual, isn't it?" She asks, looking me over. Yeah, in a place like this, wearing a pair of red Converse, blue jeans, and a red shirt with a Mega Man 1-Up on it would be a little more than weird, I'm guessing. (The shirt's middle reads "get a life", by the way. Hey, I liked it.) "You wouldn't happen to be from the Outside World, would you?" Whozzawuh? Outside World? Wait, could this have to do with that freaky portal? Apparently, ghosts and fairies and tengus and other fun little monsters aside from the aforementioned might exist, so anything's worth a shot.

Besides, three for three in terms of flying humanoids. Have these people learned how to slay gravity?

"If I say yes," I begin, choosing my words with not quite enough care to be subtle, "would this have anything to do with a blonde woman in a violet dress?" She goes wide-eyed.

"Did she have an umbrella?"


"Answer the question."

"Well, yeah." The miko lets out an exasperated sigh. I think I hit the nail on the head. Good for me~!

"Goddamnit Yukari." She mumbles loud enough for me to hear. She turns back to me. "Right. I get this now, but it looks like you'll be coming with me for the moment." Wow, that's just a bit sudden, isn't it? Oh, wait, everything that's occurred so far has been! Therefore, it makes perfect sense by comparison. Seeing the almost forgotten guard finally pull her head from the tree and begins to recover, I shrug in defeat. Better than taking my chances with that nut. "Okay, then, let's go." She grabs my right arm, and two yin-yang orbs, so they appear, materialize on either side of her. Hold on, are we going to fly-YEEEEEE!

"Cripes!" I yelp as we're airborne. "That was…yeesh!" My new friend -I think- rolls her eyes. I guess flying isn't something I should be amazed at? "Er, sorry. New to this."

"I suppose." The miko mutters, seeming annoyed with this "Yukari" person still. I should like words with her, as well. "I almost forgot," She began, glancing at me over her shoulder, "it might not matter in the long run, but I'm Reimu. Of the Hakurei shrine, that is."

"Oh, right. I'm Ryan Randa, pleased to meetcha." She raises an eyebrow before looking back ahead.

"Interesting name." She states. Hey, now, uncalled for! your name would sound funny if we were in America!

Oh-ho-ho, our friend has found himself in quite the pickle! Can this no-nonsense lady help him find his bearings? Where or what is this strange land? And moreover, who was the enigmatic violet clad woman responsible for this craziness? We know the answer, dear readers. He doesn't. And by golly, it'll stay that way for comedic purposes...until next time!

This is the Magnificant Sasquatch, signing off! Godspeed, readers!