title: from the mind of a pessimist

summary: what have we learned about overdone plot devices? exactly. jade-centric, going through her average day of angst.


Jade West woke up one morning feeling especially angsty and depressed.

Her day started out with her father coming into her room and raging on about how she was worthless, then he proceeded to hit/rape/abuse her in some way shape or form that the author doesn't really specify. He leaves, and she goes to put on her make up and chose her dark clothing.

Usually, the description for Jade's clothing is about two pages long, and very unrealistic.

For example:

Jade attached a multicolored streak to her dark curly hair, and continued to put on her heavy eyeliner. She wore dark skinny jeans and combat boots, with a concert t-shirt. Probably Fall Out Boy or Evanescence or some other band that the author has inserted to make themselves seem cool. Jade examined her cut marks (Readers sigh. Of course) and pulled her sleeves down. She grabbed her backpack and tied her boots up, going downstairs to not eat her breakfast.

Because Jade West always starves herself/cuts/is bulimic/is abused.

Oh, woe is me. My father abuses me and I have nobody to love but Beck. Why is he even with me? I don't deserve him. He's my rock, the only person I can trust, the only person who really understands me.

And three more paragraphs of Jade's co-dependency.

She slipped out the door and got a ride from Beck (who else?). She was silent and wallowing in her own depression and he noticed. He tilted her chin up to meet his eyes (author is, of course, ignoring the fact that he's driving) and she melted in his "warm, gooey brown puddles of goo and love".

They arrived at school, going into class to get books from their lockers. Tori bounces up with a smile.

"I'm perfect! I can sing and dance and act! Jade wants to be me, don't you Jade? Oh, I'm so so so perfect. You all want to love me. All of you!"

Now, Fanon!Tori is either a complete megabitch HOAR who deserves to die in a puddle of acid (if it's a Jade/Beck fic) or the completely innocent one who Jade likes to torment over and over and over until Beck saves her and they ride away on a gorgeous white stallion into the sunset.

Seeing as Jade has been abused, it's obviously full of ANGST and it's Jade/Beck because someone has to save her. I mean, it's not like she can dial 9-1-1, right? Oh heavens no, because that would make the story ten times shorter, and there would be no lengthy description of mascara running down her porcelain pale face.

So because this is a Jade/Beck story, Tori goes on to say...

"Beck, let's go have seaxxx!"

Or something equally as slutty.

But usually it's subtle, because the author wants you to hate Tori, but it's not like he/she can make her OOC. It's not like they haven't already done that with all of the fucking characters already.

So instead, she said:

"Beck, I need help on a school project!" Cue eye-roll from Jade. "Will you help me tonight?"

"Sure, Tori! It's not like I have a date with my girlfriend tonight or anything, amirite?"

And Jade's eyes immediately began to water because and she stormed out of the locker hall/wherever they are that the author never really tells you.

And Beck is all "Whutt."

(&) {note the oh-so-pretty section break}

So Jade ran into Andre, who was playing his piano or electric keyboard, or whatever. It doesn't really matter, as long as the reader knows he's really talented and not important for much else besides loving Tori and playing ridiculously good music.

"Hey, Jade, can you help me get together with Tori?"

This is when you know that everybody loves Tori in this fic, except for Jade who sees the TRU EVILNESS of her.

"TORI WILL NEVER LOVE YOU. SHE LIKES BECK. MY BECK." The phrase 'My Beck' is used quite often, because apparently, Beck is an item that Jade has rights over?

Then, after Jade does some really long italicized internal monologue thinking like:

I hate Tori. She gets whatever she wants. She gets Beck, Andre, even Cat! I hate her. Even though on the show, Tori is not that cruel to me, in this fanfiction she is the worst human being on the fucking face of the planet. I bet readers think I'm cool because I'm all of 9 years old and I used the word 'fucking'.

and goes to talk to Cat.

Now Cat is Jade's very best friend, and Jade knows that Cat is "lying" about being stupid and she's actually really, really smart, the author ignoring the completely canon fact that Cat is a complete idiot, and bipolar. Either that, or she's tragically misunderstood and misguided. In that situation, she's also been raped/abused (Abuse buddies? I think so), because everyone in Hollywood has TOTALLY gone through that situation, right? Right?

"Hey, Jade! Aren't carrots just so orange? Haha, that's so funny. LAWLZ!"

"Stop it, Cat. I've been your best friend since Kindergarten. I see right through your stupid thing."


"S'alright. Listen, Cat-"


-.- Jade facepalmed. FML even Cat likes Tori more than me. Why, oh whyyy.

After basically losing her boyfriend (cuz forgetting one date is TOTES the end of a relationship, rite?) and losing her biffle to the same person, Jade's morning progressed from semi-angsty and depressed to mega-angsty and depressed.

So what does she do?

Try to commit suicide, DUH.

I mean, it's not like you show your feelings or, by golly, talk to someone.

But this is fanfic, so Jade has to attempt to take her life only to have Hero!Beck save her ass.

Slash slash slash. The blade dug deeper into her arm, cutting her artery. Blood oozes out of her skin, until OMG BECK COMES TO APOLOGIZE?

And he comes in all

"NOOO. I LOVE YOU JADE, DON'T LEAAAVEE ME. NOOOO" and she's all limp and cold or whatnot. And then he takes her to the hospital and punches Tori for her EVILNESS (Because Beck would definitely hit a girl, right?) and they all live happily ever after, Jade melting into Beck's "warm chocolatey brown eyes" and Beck melting into Jade's "cold, crystal blue eyes" (Eyes are a very important theme in Victorious fanfiction).


(Note the pretty ending.)

a/n : So, this is like, not an exaggeration. Because obviously, if you're mean and you wear long sleeved black shirts, then you are cutting yourself/abused/raped/are bulimic.

And all of those things should NOT be taken lightly. They're serious issues that take years to recover from.

Believe me, I would know.

I don't mean any offense to any story, because quite frankly, most of the stories on here are AMAZING.

Also, major credit for the idea to Lovely Amelie's iCliche and Citygirl1116's Harry Potter and the Overdone Plot Devices, which were both simply amazing and funny and beautiful and asfghgfd.

:3 adios, hope you enjoyed.